Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bolton Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of John Bolton's firing as national security adviser, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

President Trump announced Tuesday that he had fired his national security adviser, John Bolton, saying in tweets that he “disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions.”

“I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House,” Trump said.“I asked John for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. I thank John very much for his service.”

I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House. I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions, as did others in the Administration, and therefore....

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 10, 2019

Trump said he would name a replacement next week.

Bolton, a former diplomat and political commentator who came on board in April 2018, was Trump’s third national security adviser.

Trump’s harshly worded tweet made clear that long-simmering frustration with Bolton had boiled over. Bolton immediately took issue with Trump’s assertion that he was fired, saying that he had offered his resignation. “Let’s be clear, I resigned, having offered to do so last night,” Bolton told The Washington Post.

So, basically, Trump pulled a, "You can't quit, you're fired!"

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sarah Sanders Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has announced that Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving the White House. Early on, Sanders came to accept that President Trump was the real press secretary of this administration. She publicly avoided contradicting him, even if that meant contradicting the truth.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Sanders' departure, thanking her for her service and suggesting that she would make a great governor for some reason.

....She is a very special person with extraordinary talents, who has done an incredible job! I hope she decides to run for Governor of Arkansas - she would be fantastic. Sarah, thank you for a job well done!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 13, 2019

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Mattis Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

On Thursday, December 20, Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitted a letter of resignation to President Donald Trump. “Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects,” he wrote, “I believe it is right for me to step down from my position.” The full text of the letter is reproduced below.


Dear Mr. President:

I have been privileged to serve as our country’s 26th Secretary of Defense which has allowed me to serve alongside our men and women of the Department in defense of our citizens and our ideals.

I am proud of the progress that has been made over the past two years on some of the key goals articulated in our National Defense Strategy: putting the Department on a more sound budgetary footing, improving readiness and lethality in our forces, and reforming the Department’s business practices for greater performance. Our troops continue to provide the capabilities needed to prevail in conflict and sustain strong US global influence.

One core belief I have always held is that our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances and partnerships. While the US remains the indispensable nation in the free world, we cannot protect our interests or serve that role effectively without maintaining strong alliances and showing respect to those allies. Like you, I have said from the beginning that the armed forces of the United States should not be the policeman of the world. Instead, we must use all tools of American power to provide for the common defense, including providing effective leadership to our alliances. NATO’s 29 democracies demonstrated that strength in their commitment to fighting alongside us following the 9-11 attack on America. The Defeat-ISIS coalition of 74 nations is further proof.

Similarly, I believe we must be resolute and unambiguous in our approach to those countries whose strategic interests are increasingly in tension with ours. It is clear that China and Russia, for example, want to shape a world consistent with their authoritarian model—gaining veto authority over other nations’ economic, diplomatic, and security decisions—to promote their own interests at the expense of their neighbors, America and our allies. That is why we must use all the tools of American power to provide for the common defense.

My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues. We must do everything possible to advance an international order that is most conducive to our security, prosperity and values, and we are strengthened in this effort by the solidarity of our alliances.

Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects, I believe it is right for me to step down from my position. The end date for my tenure is February 28, 2019, a date that should allow sufficient time for a successor to be nominated and confirmed as well as to make sure the Department’s interests are properly articulated and protected at upcoming events to include Congressional posture hearings and the NATO Defense Ministerial meeting in February. Further, that a full transition to a new Secretary of Defense occurs well in advance of the transition of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in September in order to ensure stability within the Department.

I pledge my full effort to a smooth transition that ensures the needs and interests of the 2.15 million Service Members and 732,079 DoD civilians receive undistracted attention of the Department at all times so that they can fulfill their critical, round-the-clock mission to protect the American people.

I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform.

James N. Mattis

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Donald Trump Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas

WASHINGTON, DC—Let's say he recorded an industrial album featuring a single about fake news. Trump always gets attention, and we have to make it industrial related.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Trump says something about being sick of the vapid world of politics (except he probably doesn't know what vapid means) and how his handlers never let him smear black grease paint on his neck before doing a press conference. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of are which we barely did because this is a copy paste of the Taylor Swift article. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Trump has found his true calling. I'm honored to be working with him." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind him. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Trump on our website in order to pump out another article. Let's even do a shitty job of cutting him out too.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sessions Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

"At your request I am submitting my resignation," he wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly.

Matthew Whitaker will take over as acting attorney general, the President said.

Whitaker is expected to take charge of the the Russia investigation and special counsel Robert Mueller from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein.

"We are pleased to announce that Matthew G. Whitaker, Chief of Staff to Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the Department of Justice, will become our new Acting Attorney General of the United States. He will serve our Country well ...We thank Attorney General Jeff Sessions for his service, and wish him well! A permanent replacement will be nominated at a later date," Trump tweeted.

The move is an abrupt end to what had been a tumultuous tenure for Sessions, originally one of Trump's earliest and most loyal surrogates as an Alabama Republican senator. He was a key figure in implementing Trump's vision for America. But even as he continued to carry out the Trump agenda, his relationship with the President remained strained and fraught for months.

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Industrial Band Breaks New Ground By Releasing Anti-Trump Song

STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass has broken new ground in the industrial scene by releasing an anti-Trump song. Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, has faced little to no artistic backlash since he took office in 2017. Frontman Scario Maclaver has decided to change this with a new single that will surely impact the world of politics.

"I don't know, man. I only see nothing but good things about Donald Trump. Nobody ever talks shit on him. It's almost as if they're afraid. But we're not. That's why we're releasing this song," stated Maclaver when interviewed.

The song itself titled "Bigly Pig" focuses on Trump's irrational policies, constantly changing demeanor, outrageous Twitter rants, and child-like behavior. "It's a full-fledged verbal and noisy assault on Donald Trump. This is going to make history. This song will make Trump rethink everything he has done so far," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver also said that while the inflammatory song is against Trump, they refuse to hate anyone else in the Trump organization. "Have you ever seen Melania? I'd let her spank me and call me a bitch," stated Maclaver in an unprompted comment that made me end the interview.

"Bigly Pig" is due out this upcoming weekend so keep an eye out for the new single that, as stated before, will be the first of its kind.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following McMaster Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Little more than a week after the firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Gen. H. R. McMaster, the battle-tested Army officer tapped as President Trump’s national security adviser last year to stabilize a turbulent foreign policy operation, will resign and be replaced by John R. Bolton, a hard-line former United States ambassador to the United Nations, White House officials said Thursday.

General McMaster will retire from the military, the officials said. He has been discussing his departure with President Trump for several weeks, they said, but decided to speed up his departure, in part because questions about his status were casting a shadow over his conversations with foreign officials.

This story is still developing. Check back for future details.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Tillerson Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of State Rex Willerson's ousting, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has removed him as Secretary of State and replaced him with current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, after months of speculation surrounding Tillerson's role in the Trump administration, a fact that Tillerson found out at the same time as the public.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Tillerson's ouster, thanking Tillerson for his service.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!

7:44 AM - Mar 13, 2018

Before the president's tweet, the Washington Post first reported news of Tillerson's firing.

As Mr. Trump departed for a California trip Tuesday morning, he told reporters that he and Tillerson "disagree on things," and he singled out the Iran nuclear deal as an issue.

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Trump: Revoking Virtual Terrorist Tour Visa "A No Brainer"

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing national security concerns, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order revoking the tour visa of Canadian techno-industrial darling Virtual Terrorist, effective immediately.

In a rare acquiescence to a press request, the President agreed to meet briefly with Riveting News. Immediately after entering through the White House's newly installed revolving door, we were greeted by two unpaid secret service agents. After being led to a room closely resembling a large college dorm, Mr. Trump paused his game and sat down with us to discuss his newly inked executive order.

"No one ever banned this guy. Obama didn't do it. No one did. He's been around for years. Terrorist is right in the name. It's a no brainer. Visual Terrorist [sic]. He's Visual. You can see him. Obama saw him. He did nothing. I'm not gonna say he hates America. I'm not gonna say it. I won't say it. But I really think that he must hate America though if he's letting this guy in," explained Trump.

When informed that Virtual Terrorist was the name of a Canadian electronic music project, and not an actual terrorist, Trump responded, "Look, you say Canada. It could be Russia. Or China. Or some other bad, bad country like ISIS. Maybe it could be Canada. And Canada is killing us with NATO, by the way. Killing us. Big league. And I think it's very, very bad. CNN won't tell you. They're fake news. You might be too. I don't know. Let's say you are. We're talking right now, OK? I think that you're probably not having the bad ratings they're having over there. I really think that."

The President proceeded to speak for another solid 56 minutes—covering a wide range of topics entirely unrelated to the executive order—at times almost nearing some semblance of coherence.

When pressed for comment about his past Twitter accusations that Riveting News was "fake news," Mr. Trump denied having a Twitter account and dove into a ball pit.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bannon Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of chief White House strategist Steve Bannon submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only weeks after former communications director Anthony Scaramucci's 11 day stint came to an end. Before his final day, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

According to The New York Times, Bannon submitted his resignation on August 7, but the announcement of his ouster was delayed until today thanks to the events in Charlottesville. The White House described the departure as a mutual agreement between Bannon and chief of staff John Kelly.

"We are grateful for his service and wish him the best," said press secretary Sarah Sanders.

Bannon took over as Trump's campaign chairman a year and a day ago, and he was credited with bringing much-needed focus and discipline to what had been a seat-of-the-pants operation. Bloomberg Businessweek writer Joshua Green argues that without Bannon's skill at mobilizing disaffected white male voters, "I don't think Donald Trump would have been elected president."

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Scaramucci Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci submitting his resignation Monday, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only days after Scaramucci's hiring. After his arrival, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

A day before Priebus' announced departure last week, Scaramucci made headlines for delivering a scathing, profanity-laced critique of Priebus and others to a reporter from The New Yorker.

Sources inside the White House told Riveting News that Scaramucci offered his resignation Monday morning to newly sworn-in chief of staff John Kelly, with a request to be redeployed as chief strategy officer at the Export-Import Bank, to allow Kelly to assert his leadership in the West Wing.

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed Scaramucci's departure in a statement after the news broke.

"Mr. Scaramucci felt it was best to give chief of staff John Kelly a clean slate and the ability to build his own team," the statement read.

Scaramucci's role formally began only last Wednesday, July 26.

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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