Hate Dept.'s Extension Going Straight to Voicemail

NEW HOLLAND, OH—Calls to post-punk industrial's Hate Dept. have gone unanswered lately with no explanation provided in the voicemail greeting. Callers who dial their extension are greeted with a distorted voice loudly screaming, "Fuck off." As of press time, there have been no reports of anyone receiving a call back after leaving a message.

Fans have been trying to reach the Hate Dept. for weeks with no success. Some have even tried emailing and calling other bands, but no one seems to be able to help. No official explanation has been provided, but some have speculated that Steven Seibold may have been preoccupied with releasing material from his old band Choker on Bandcamp.

This is a major issue for the company, as the Hate Dept. is responsible for customer dissatisfaction. If customers can't be told to go fuck themselves with a personalized insult from a real person, they will likely take their business elsewhere. The company is working on fixing the problem, but in the meantime, customers will just have to keep trying or go fuck themselves.

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Band With Two Fans Begs For $5,000 in Crowdfunding Campaign

STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass is once again making headlines within the goth and industrial scene. This time the band has asked for, and I quote, a "pitiful" amount of money to press their new album Industrial Sucks.

"We're pushing boundaries in the industrial scene," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group, "No one else can release as good an album as we can! We pirated and cracked a DAW, and now we're making waves."

The waves they so fondly proclaim to be making has netted them less than one-hundred views on YouTube and Spotify combined. Their social media pages are particularly sad to look at considering no one in the scene interacts with them.

"We've been squashed and censored by social media algorithms," claimed Maclaver, "Even though we see other bands utilizing hard work and friendly promotion to lift both themselves and their fellow peers, that's not what we're doing."

In fact, what Maclaver has stated is more than truthful. Rather than attempting to build a strong connection with those around them, Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been begging people for money to get their new album pressed.

"Yeah, we could get jobs and work a few hours during the week and save up the money to press the release ourselves, but my mom and dad have already said they would support me if I brought Industrial Sucks to Kickstarter. So, I mean, that's already two people for a five-thousand dollar goal. Plus, if I pester enough people in the scene about this, we'll definitely be loved and well liked," stated Maclaver.

As of right now, only one person has supported their crowdfunding campaign with five dollars. The message from the donor reads, "Get a fucking job and out of our basement."

The duo behind the music has made headlines in the past for ranting and raving about sites not reviewing their album, trying to make the world's shittiest music video, as well as for accidentally building a deck while using power tool on stage. Who knows what else this wonky band will get up to.

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Musicians Mourn Loss of Muse

WASHINGTON, DC—The age of the Angry Donald Trump Song has (hopefully) come to an end. It's been a wild, unoriginal ride, but all mediocre things must come to an end. Today, let us look forward to a new era of dull, angsty songs from bands like And One, Trapt, Kid Rock, and is Ted Nugent still alive?

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Trump Pardons Trapt For Being Total Dildos

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

The lame duck President has seemingly moved on to the nu metal scene and granted a pardon to Trapt, whose frontman, Chris Taylor Brown, has been making waves with his social media dickery. According to Trump, Brown and his band can now, "...be back on Twitter and the Facebook effective immediately." There is no word on whether anyone has explained to Trump that that's not how any of this works.

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Trump Pardons Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin, William Control Before Leaving Office

WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

Sin Quirin of Ministry, Dahvie Vanity of Blood on the Dancefloor, and William Control of whoever he is are all said to be alleged predators of underage girls. Trump's disdain for "Cancel Culture" has led him to "pardon" these men of their "crimes." When informed that none of them have been charged or convicted of anything, Trump insisted that he add them to the list.

There has been no word yet on whether And One will be pardoned for being a crazy, Qanon Twitter nut. This article will be updated as more details are released.

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Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like

BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

Join the resistance and dismiss Einstürzizzle Neubutter with this shirt!

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Aphex Twin Admits He Literally Has No Idea What He’s Doing

Written by Isaac Martin

SCOTLAND—Richard D. James of Aphex Twin fame admits to us in an interview: "Yeah, I just go on stage and twiddle knobs until people start cheering."

When asked to explain further, James confesses that he has never really written a single song. Every morning he wakes up to a completely new song recorded, mixed, and mastered.

When asked how this was possible, James stated that one day he watched a box full of "musical doodads" get hit by a strange bolt of lightning, and afterwards the electronics started creating otherworldly sounds. When asked what gear was struck, he promptly said, "Gears? I'm a musician, not a clocksmith..."

Incredibly, when he showed us his studio, it was devoid of any and all equipment apart from an Apple Macintosh II computer running Linux and a pair of unplugged speakers. When asked where his synthesizers were, James replied, “My what? Oh, yeah, those things,” and then didn't answer the question.

James claims he will release new music if, "The rains are good this year," and hopefully they are.

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Ghostfeeder Opens Food Pantry for Disembodied Spirits

TAMPA, FL—Synthrock electropop project Ghostfeeder has started a nonprofit organization dedicated to feeding apparitions in need.

"I just wanted to give back. It makes my day when someone comes in who had recently died of starvation," said Walborn.

The idea came to him when an earthbound specter approached him after a show expecting food. "I was confused. I thought he was just goth, but then I realized he was actually dead," recounted Walborn.

Although Walborn does not overtly advertise it, his food pantry features a back room with a cooler full of blood bags for malnourished poltergeists who have lost their hosts. Indeed, he is wholly dedicated to providing sustenance for a diverse group of ghosts.

Said Walborn, "I don't discriminate or judge. Maybe they have perfectly legitimate resentments toward the living; we don't know. Imagine how hard it must be to glom onto a family or person you've decided to terrorize and then they go and die in an accident that you didn't even get to cause."

Ghostfeeder's food pantry for phantoms is open Monday through Friday from dusk til dawn and on Halloween regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

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Mattel Set to Release New Cybergoth Barbie

Dolls by Dakota's Song

Ever since the 1959 launch of Barbie, Mattel has been considered the crowned ruler of the toy industry, second only to LEGO. But in their time on this Earth Mattel has always been lacking consideration for a certain niche scene: the cybergoth community.

With its ever-growing presence and viral videos of the cybergoth community celebrating Christmas by dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You', it was only a matter of time before Mattel began listening to the cybergoth community. At the local toy store, we found Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker browsing through a selection of Barbie's to much discontent.

"Why can't I be represented in the Barbie line-up?" asked Nightfaery, "I asked one of the employees here if they had any cybergoth barbies, and when I told them what it was, the guy brought me to a section with Mortal Kombat action figures. To say that I was livid is an understatement. I bitched at his manager and hope he gets fired. I'll also be contacting corporate."

Mattel heard the many upset voices in the cybergoth community and finally spoke out. Ynon Kreiz, the CEO of Mattel, spoke out at a press conference with shocking news, "We have heard the cybergoth community speak out, and we are here to showcase our brand new Barbie for your special community. Introducing the Cybergoth Barbie!"

An image of a newly made Cybergoth Barbie was revealed as cybergoth journalists in the crowd danced to Tactical Sekt's hit club song 'Not Entertained'.

The suggested retail price of the newly announced Cybergoth Barbie will be $24.99 USD, and will come packaged with several respirators and gas masks, leather outfits, combat boots, and two different pairs of leg warmers. Also included will be a tiny roll of black nipple tape, marking the first time in history Mattel has in some way acknowledged this missing part of Barbie's anatomy.

Cybergoth Barbie's release date has yet to be revealed. It will be sold exclusively at Toys R Us.

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Caustic Takes Fan's Response to Limited Edition Cassette Literally

MADISON, WI—Matt Fanale, the man behind Caustic and half of Klack has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at his merch table.

During a recent show at The Crucible, Matt Fanale was working the merch table after his set when a man in his early to mid thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented him on his performance. Upon thanking him, Fanale promptly drew the man's attention to the large stack of limited edition cassettes left over from the last few albums.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I told him not to do them, because who the hell wants a cassette? Matt was adamant though. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl, and I'm the new Devo,' whatever that means. But yeah, this was the first time I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted Fanale's partner in music and general wrangler, Eric Oehler.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Lindsey, told us, "Caustic is a natural performer and just wants to please his fans. This wouldn't be the first time he's taken it too far. It just sucks because I was gonna buy one before this all went down."

Fanale was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. He has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. An unknown user, "linds1981," currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

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Grendel Slain by Beowulf

MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

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Orgy Sues Messier 87 Black Hole for Copyright Infringement

LOS ANGELES, CA—The recently released photo of the supermassive black hole at the center of the Messier 87 galaxy has gone viral, thus beginning its 15 minutes of fame. However, a certain group whose 15 minutes has long since passed, is not amused. Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has filed suit against the black hole. Orgy frontman Jay Gordon claims that the astronomical phenomenon recently christened "Powehi" is infringing upon the cover art of Orgy's debut album "Candyass" released in 1998.

According to court records, Los Angeles County Small Claims Court Judge Marshall Hartford was critical of the suit and cited multiple flaws in Orgy's case before throwing it out entirely. Hartford stated that it was not possible to sue a black hole or a galaxy. The veteran judge also pointed out that the galaxy in which Powehi resides is roughly 13.24 billion-years-old, thus preceding the album art design by over 13 billion years. According to witnesses in the court room, this was the moment when Gordon's face went white—presumably out of concern for a potential counter suit.

Sources close to the band say Gordon has plans to sue NASA, but likely does not have the finances needed to do so. There are rumors of a potential GoFundMe campaign, however, Orgy does not have a good track record of successfully crowd sourcing funds.

When reached for comment, NASA hung up.

Headline by Chris Shortt.

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DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo

No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessories to teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by nietskce nehpets (@stephen29) on Apr 1, 2019 at 6:41pm PDT

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Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross to Score All of Television, Cinema

As of today, celebrated industrial rock veteran, Trent Reznor, and his esteemed writing partner, Atticus Ross, have taken over scoring duties for all watchable media for the foreseeable future.

"After Bird Box got so huge, it was really the only option at that point," the jovial, oft-grumpy Reznor said.

Since their Oscar-winning breakout score to The Social Network, the duo have been in high demand. The harrowing keys set the backdrop of fellow loner and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, garnering many accolades and new opportunities. After that, they scored 73 more forgettable films and tv shows and local news intros and now, everything.

"It's really not that complicated, there's just this one chord, and it goes to the satellite and... (I have to apologize, but I got lost in the technicalities for two hours)... and with my new job at Apple, they just said we could do them all now," Reznor said as Atticus nodded or napped.

The general public has found that the mix of dissonant plinky keyboards and reverbed synth swells fits nicely into whatever new show they are binge-watching to sporting events to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. C-SPAN ratings are reportedly at an all-time high.

They even decided to incorporate one of Nine Inch Nails previous guitar players, who had fallen on hard times.

"I saw a homeless man the other day, belting out in a beautifully painful eruption of grief, so I sent Atts to go do a field recording to use for whatever sad war thing Ken Burns has coming out. Apparently the homeless guy was Aaron North, so we will credit him for that time coming up in the future."

"Looks like his life went more Aaron South," Ross deadpanned.

So what is next for this duo? Video games.

"We are looking to get into a way of scoring all the video games too, but fear we might get sucked into playing them and not accomplish anything for a few years," Reznor said wistfully.

Written by Chris Stienstra

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Donald Trump Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas

WASHINGTON, DC—Let's say he recorded an industrial album featuring a single about fake news. Trump always gets attention, and we have to make it industrial related.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Trump says something about being sick of the vapid world of politics (except he probably doesn't know what vapid means) and how his handlers never let him smear black grease paint on his neck before doing a press conference. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of are which we barely did because this is a copy paste of the Taylor Swift article. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Trump has found his true calling. I'm honored to be working with him." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind him. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Trump on our website in order to pump out another article. Let's even do a shitty job of cutting him out too.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

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Tim Sköld of Skold Scolds Skold Manager for Scolding Sköld's Skolden Retriever

GOTHENBURG, SE—Tim Sköld of Skold reportedly scolded his band Skold's manager for scolding Sköld's Golden Retriever for attempting to cuddle with the man.

"You don't scold a dog like that. Who doesn't want puppy cuddles? It's just cold," said Tim Sköld of Skold.

"He really ripped into him. It was gold. I almost rolled on the floor laughing," we were told by one of Sköld's stylists, Cole Daniels.

The manager has reportedly agreed to cuddle with Sköld's golden retriever next time like he was told.

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Shiv-R Puts Jacket On, No Longer Cold

MELBOURNE, AU—It would be hard to convince anyone that an Australian native would be cold considering the beaming rays of sun that cook the surface of the land Down Under, but for two men this is a sad reality they have to live with. Until recently, they've been unaware of a common remedy.

The industrial and dark electro producers behind Shiv-R, Pete Crane and Ben Bulig, have had their fight against their cold state well documented since the initiation of their project. The name of their band is a play on the word "shiver" and showcases their struggle to get warm. Though the sun always strikes down upon them, the two musicians have always found themselves walking in a sunny winter wonderland, and they cannot shake that feeling off of themselves.

This is before they discovered jackets, an invention that is hardly known to Australian natives due to the weather and deserts that surround them. A Riveting News field team was in Melbourne when one of our reporters asked a random man on the street what a jacket was, and he replied, "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, mate. I don't even know who you are. Or what you're wearing. You're a freak. Get outta here."

When introduced to jackets, they were at first skeptical and scared, they were soon coaxed into wearing the jackets. As their feeble and shivering hands slid into the jacket and after their bodies, Crane and Bulig were no longer cold.

In a closed interview afterwards, Shiv-R has announced they would soon start a new side-project called Sweat-N in reference to their newfound love and cure for the shivers.

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Taylor Swift Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas

NASHVILLE, TN—Let's say she recorded an industrial album featuring a single about her breakup with pop-country. That should work, right? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Swift says something about being sick of the vapid world of pop stardom and how her handlers never let her smear black grease paint on her neck before going on stage. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of did. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Taylor has found her true calling. I'm honored to be working with her, bla bla bla." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind her. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Taylor Swift on our website in order to pump out another article.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

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EXCLUSIVE: Stream the New Nine Inch Nails Before Official Release

The forthcoming Nine Inch Nails album "Bad Witch" is said to be Trent Reznor's best work to date
Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below.

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WATCH: Exclusive Footage of Caustic Performing on Grendel's Severed Nations Tour

MADISON, WI—On a cool Wednesday night in downtown Madison, Grendel was in town for the most recent stop on their Severed Nations Tour with Ghostfeeder and Peter Turns Pirate. Proud wearer of the industrial dunce cap, Caustic, took the stage after a stellar opening performance by Conformco. Reporter Dick Wrigley was on location to shoot exclusive footage of Caustic's set. Warning: Not suitable for mature viewers

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