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Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Science. Show all posts

March 30, 2019

Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet


LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

December 2, 2018

Study: 12% of All Electrical Tape Used to Cover Nipples


BERKELEY, CA—According to research conducted by UC Berkeley, a small but significant portion of electrical tape is being used on nipples rather than wires.

The study was recently published in Engineering Quarterly and focused on the decline of electrical tape use. The study cited possible causes such as the affordability of heat shrink butt connectors. In fact, a high percentage of technicians do not even carry the tape due to the ever-decreasing cost of simply replacing entire components.

The authors of the paper break down the most common uses of electrical tape in modern times. Buried within these statistics, is an interesting figure. It is estimated that around 12.4% of electrical tape purchases are made by consumers intending to cover their own or other people's nipples.

While the report did not contain any verbiage regarding situations in which the black tape might be used as pasties, it has been known to appear in various places such as industrial album covers, photos of goth Instagram models, burlesque performances, and feminist rallies.

April 28, 2018

Ailing Cyber Goth Booted into Safe Mode

LANCASTER, UK—It all started with delayed stomping that didn't match the beat. A once energetic cyber goth girl eventually came to a nearly complete standstill before falling to the ground and convulsing.

"After a few minutes, she sat up. Her eyes were half open, and she just sat there. She didn't move or say anything," recounted one witness.

That's when the bartender called IT. 34-year-old Travis Brenten, a certified cyber goth technician, arrived shortly and started with the basics: Unplugging all peripherals and turning her off and back on again. When she failed to boot, Brenten decided to check the girl's phone for any emergency contacts in hopes of finding someone with a recovery disc. Unfortunately, the phone required a pass code, making it impossible. That's when the experience tech decided to try booting into Safe Mode.

"My main concern was that she wouldn't [boot into Safe Mode]. Fortunately, she did, and I was able to run a memory scan and chkdsk but it took forever," recalled Brenten.

Three hours and ten cigarettes later, the scan stalled at 98%. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Brenten opted to replace the malfunctioning cyber goth with a nearby wallflower.

"She wasn't doing anything anyway. She was a bit apprehensive, but I installed a few more drinks, and she was able to get out there," Brenten explained.

Once the new girl was in place, the lights were brought back down; the DJ pressed play and resumed pretending to press buttons and move faders. Brenten carried the malfunctioning girl out to his van and left.

DJ Gizmotron later expressed his frustration with the ordeal, "It was pretty inconvenient. We couldn't use the dance floor while he was working on her, so no one got any stomping done. I had a huge set list I needed to get through before bar time, and I missed my deadline."

Throughout the night, the girl's cousin frantically insisted that the episode was related to her diabetes, but this claim has not been substantiated.

October 26, 2017

Report: Not Every Day is Halloween

Written by The Spoon Feed

EL PASO, TX—Industrial band Ministry is in hot water after a report has been released from the University of Chicago disputing the claims of their classic song, Every Day Is Halloween. The fifty page report details top research conducted within the University’s Astronomy Department for the past two years.

“All signs point to the contrary,” says Director of Astronomical Studies, George Kugler. “The lunar calendar has 365 days per year—366 days on a leap year. In all of our tests, only one of these days has turned out to be Halloween. That’s only 0.274% of the year as opposed to the 100% which Ministry claims as fact. So what’s really staggering isn’t just the fact that everyday is not Halloween, but the fact that such a small fraction of the calendar year is actually Halloween.”

Fans have already begun reacting to the scandal, burning albums and memorabilia in the streets. A Change.org petition is circulating calling for the band’s founding member, Al Jourgenson, to step down from his position.

“This is a real bummer,” comments Seth Gorman, 23. “Ministry really let me down—let us all down. We’ve all been living this life thinking that everyday was Halloween and it turns out only one day is Halloween. I mean, what else have they been lying about? Did Jesus actually build his hotrod, or was that all a lie too? I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m just really disappointed.”

Ministry has not released an official statement yet, but several shows have been canceled by promoters fearing bad press.

October 2, 2017

Scientists Currently Developing Cure for Chiptune


BONN, DE—Scientists with the World Health Organization are currently working on a vaccine to stop the spread of chiptune and its current infection of industrial and electronic music.

The 8-bit menace has been ravaging the industrial scene for years, but a group of dedicated WHO researchers lead by Dr. Neil Andrews are optimistic that a fully synthesized cure is just around the corner. One that could potentially even reverse the damage it's caused.

Dr. Andrews explained, "Our ultimate goal is to completely reverse the degradation of industrial's DNA caused by the chiptune infection. The first step, of course, is to develop a vaccine and immediately begin the inoculation of all unaffected projects. Once the infection has been contained, retroviral treatments for those currently inflected would be the next step."

There are currently two teams operating under Dr. Andrew's supervision, each tasked with developing one of his self described "two pronged attack" on the sonic pestilence. While they are coordinating and sharing their research, the team in charge of developing the vaccine seems to be the main focus.

"As much as we'd like to save those already infected, if we can't protect presently uninfected bands, there's not much hope for the genre. For instance, many of my colleagues don't believe there is any hope for Victor Love. It's possible that Master Boot Record is a terminal condition," lamented Dr. Andrews. While many in the scene believe the infected may be beyond saving, his team remains hopeful that a cure may one day become a reality and make way for another Dope Stars Inc. record.

September 25, 2017

Cold Waves Festival Canceled Due to Impending Heat Wave


CHICAGO, IL—Global Warming has claimed its first victim in the industrial scene. The yearly music festival, Cold Waves, has been canceled due to public safety concerns after meteorologists have predicted a massive heat wave lasting well through autumn.

This week will be cooler in Chicago, but the future beyond its 5-day forecast likely holds more temperature extremes than the city has experienced in its recorded history.

Illinois State University meteorologist Frank Gallow warned NBC Chicago this week that recent record-breaking temperatures are not a new status quo; the new status quo will be worse.

“Here’s the old normal, here’s the new normal,” Gallow explained, demonstrating with upraised hands. “We’re somewhere in between, but we haven’t finished changing yet.”

The high pressure influx that drove thermometers mad across the state last weekend has not moved on from the region in spite of lower temperatures this week. Gallow adds, "Yeah, you've seen what Hurricane Irma and Harvey have done, but wait until you see what this mother fucker is gonna do to the north. You thought you were safe up there? Not anymore. Get prepared to get fucked. Say goodbye to Eskimos."

Jason Novak, founder of Cracknation, had considered postponing until the winter months, but opted not to compete with the busy holiday season. Refunds will not be available to those who have purchased tickets due to the performers and venues having been paid upfront months in advance.

September 6, 2017

Biblical Historian Claims Jesus Never Built Hotrod


CINCINNATI, OH—One local researcher has done a thorough investigation into claims made by the renowned industrial rock band Ministry. “Their 1991 single, ‘Jesus Built my Hotrod’, features guest vocalist Gibby Haynes from the Butthole Surfers claiming, as you would guess, that Jesus built a hotrod-style muscle car for him,” says Michael Jeuspraut. “We have, however, found significant evidence which proves that Jesus of Nazareth would not have been alive on Earth at a time or place when hotrodding would have been possible–the technology just didn’t exist in His time. Furthermore, He wasn’t a mechanic by trade. According to Biblical texts, Jesus was most likely a carpenter or possibly a stone mason.”

During my interview with Jeuspraut, I was given a lengthy lesson about Nazareth, Jesus, and the cultures and technologies of two-thousand years ago. He had also done research on hotrodding in preparation for this interview, explaining that hotrods likely didn’t appear until the 1930s in “present-day California” and that automobiles hadn’t even been invented until nearly 1,900 years after Jesus’ time on Earth. “I don’t want to sound like a stick in the mud. Heck, I love me some good old rock’n’roll music,” Jeuspraut stated, earnestly requesting this be included in this article, “but to make heretical claims such as Jesus building hotrods is outrageous and must be addressed.”

At the end of the day we must each ask ourselves who we trust. Would Butthole Surfers and Ministry lie to us? Does Michael Jeuspraut have an ulterior motive to want to defame Ministry? Does anyone actually believe that Haynes was trying to convince us that this actually happened? We received a quote from Al Jourgensen’s publicist in an email. “Al is a hotrod fanatic. In 1990, he had a ‘32 Ford 3 window coupe custom built at Fast Rat Custom Motors outside of Rockford, Illinois. The fabricator and mechanic he worked with was named Jesus Flores. Gibby knew this; it was a nod to Al. He was also extremely drunk out of his mind when he recorded the vocals. You'll notice that the lyrical content of the entire song is complete gibberish. I have no idea why you're taking this seriously.”

July 11, 2017

Goth Rhinoceros Wants to Go Extinct


AKAGERA, RW—Though the black rhino has been struggling to survive for decades, there exists one that has for years been a proponent of its entire species dying out.

The East African black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis minor) is one of the few remaining black rhino subspecies left in the world, and is currently listed as endangered due primarily to poaching; rhino horn made into dagger handles is a symbol of wealth in many countries. Contrary to popular opinion, the horn is not consumed primarily as an aphrodisiac; only small amounts are used for this purpose. 23-year-old Kamhout, an avid Bauhaus fan and resident at Akagera National Park in Rwanda, reluctantly participates in the Eastern Black Rhinoceros Species Survival Plan, a shared conservation effort by zoos throughout the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Despite his overall disinterest in existence, Kamhout once narrowly escaped his own death when poachers attempted to lure him into a trap using a special collector's edition Blu-ray copy of The Crow. Some volunteers have speculated that the brooding pachyderm may have refused to play into their hands due to his desire to witness the the extinction of his species, though park officials have pointed out that Kamhout also does not own a Blu-ray player.

April 21, 2017

Study: 90% of All Chains on Pants Found to Serve No Real Purpose


CAMBRIDGE, MA—After a 2 year study, researchers at MIT have determined that the majority of chains commonly seen on pants at the average goth club do not have any practical applications outside of aesthetics. About 8% of the time, one to three chains were found to be securing a wallet of some kind. Additionally, a mere 2% were found to inexplicably exist in place of a belt. Their effectiveness in actually holding the pants up remains questionable.

For more news and scene gossip stay tuned to Riveting News.



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