CONTRAversy: Brian Graupner of The Gothsicles Admits to Never Having Played Contra

CHICAGO, IL—In shocking news today, it has been discovered that Brian Graupner, creative mastermind behind the band The Gothsicles has been lying to his fans and fellow musicians about key elements of the band that is seen as one of the leaders of the comedy-based EBM, nostalgia-core industrial-synth-dark power-electro scene.

The scene unfolded when a fan asked Graupner after a recent show to sign their copy of Contra, the famed 8-bit side-scrolling shooter on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the game most recognized for popularizing the Konami Code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start) which granted a player 30 lives. When the fan asked which level was his favorite, Graupner broke down sobbing.

"I have no fucking idea man; I never played this fucking game before. I only had a Sega Master System while growing up!" the emotionally broken techno-crooner confessed. Graupner then proceeded to tear down The Gothsicles' merchandise screaming that he was a phony and that “Big Mario” was "making [him] do this" before being escorted to his bus by road crew and other band members.

When contacted for comment, a more composed Graupner admitted that he had in fact never played Contra. “My parents messed up the Christmas I asked for the NES. All that was left in stores was the Sega Master System. I grew up playing games like Outrun and Fantasy Zone,” said Graupner. “None of my friends had ever even heard of the Master System, and when '80s nostalgia came in the early 2000s, what the fuck was I going to sing about? Who the fuck would want to hear a song based on the continue code in Alex Kidd in Miracle World?”

“I... I just wanted to make funny, industrial-EBM-electro music based on iconic '80s stuff, man... It all just took off so fast,” Graupner stated whimsically.

Since the incident, Graupner has gone on record to say that he has briefly played some Contra on the recently released Nintendo NES Classic console, and does enjoy it, but that he believes Sega Master System classic Psycho Fox to still be the superior game.

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Rookie Sound Guy Pleased to be Getting Thumbs Up From Singer

CHICAGO, IL—In a heartwarming moment that unfolded at The Metro, a rookie sound engineer found himself basking in the limelight as he received a thumbs-up of approval from the lead singer of the headline band during their performance. The incident transpired during an electrifying performance that left both the audience and the sound engineer in awe.

The music venue, known for hosting a myriad of emerging and established talents, witnessed this remarkable interaction that instantly became the talk of the town. As the evening progressed, the audience was treated to an unforgettable show by the headlining band, Antonym, known for their infectious brand of industrial ebm and energetic live performances.

In the midst of this musical extravaganza, the spotlight momentarily shifted backstage to the sound booth where Daniel Holtz, a recently hired rookie sound engineer, was meticulously handling the audio controls. Holtz, who had been working tirelessly to ensure the band's sound was flawless, was about to have his dedication recognized in the most unexpected way.

As Eli Vance, the charismatic frontman of Antonym, belted out a powerful scream, he noticed a subtle adjustment in his in-ear monitor mix that made his vocals soar even higher. With an infectious grin on his face, Vance turned to the sound booth and gave a resounding thumbs-up to the elated sound engineer.

The audience roared in celebration as they witnessed the touching exchange, fully aware that they were witnessing a career-defining moment for the novice sound engineer. It was a testament to the talent and dedication that often goes unnoticed behind the scenes, making the performance on stage possible.

Daniel Holtz, overwhelmed by the recognition from one of his musical idols, shared his thoughts on this unforgettable night. "I couldn't believe it when I saw him give me a thumbs-up. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life. Working with such a talented band has been a dream come true, and this moment is beyond words. Way better than the band who opened for them. The guitarist just kept shrugging at me the whole time."

The heartening interaction has since gone viral on social media, with fans of  and music enthusiasts alike applauding both the lead singer's humility and the dedication of the rookie sound engineer. Many have praised the power of music to bring people together and create memorable experiences beyond the stage.

As the final notes of Antonym's performance resonated through the venue, it was clear that this night would be etched in the memory of all who were present. Daniel Holtz's thumbs-up moment serves as a reminder that even behind the scenes, passion, talent, and hard work can lead to extraordinary moments in the world of music.

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Grendel Slain by Beowulf

MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

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Gas Leak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero

ISLINGTON, UK—A ruptured pipe caused a gas leak over the weekend inside Electrowerkz, a renowned three story nightclub in London's Islington District. The leak appears to have occurred during Slimelight, a popular weekly Saturday night club event. Slimelight usually operates two dance floors: a darkwave/goth room (on the ground level), and an ebm/aggrotech room (on the middle level). From time to time, the third dance floor (on the top level) will play power noise. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the second level aggrotech floor due to minor renovations in the ground floor.

The patrons in attendance suffered no respiratory issues, and danced the night away to [Android\Kölon:58] completely oblivious to the hazard. The leak was discovered the next morning when a custodian lost consciousness while cleaning the club. Repairs and renovations have since been completed, and Slimelight is set to be in full swing this coming Saturday on all three Electrowerkz dance floors.

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Girl Smoking Outside Club Seemingly Compelled to Show, Explain Every Tattoo

As you step out of the club for a break from the pulsating blasts of EBM/Aggrotech/Neo-Folk Swingcore, you notice a girl smoking alone. She sees you glance at her tattooed arm and strikes up a conversation by complimenting yours. You thank her and start to criticize it as if you were your father and the bad tattoo on your arm represents every single one of your life choices, but before you can even get out the word "shading," she pulls up her sleeve and starts talking over you. OK, then. That's fine though, because you weren't really sure how you were going to end your sentence. After 10 years, you still haven't come up with anything you care enough about with which to cover said tattoo.

She tells you that she got her first tattoo when she was 18, and she’s been adding more and more ever since. She explains that each tattoo has a special meaning for her. The rose on her wrist is for her grandmother, who was always telling her to “stop and smell the roses.” The anchor on her bicep is for her grandfather, who was a sailor "in the marines." And the bird on her shoulder is for her best friend, who died tragically two years ago. Uh huh. Also the skulls represent something asinine, the pot leaf is self explanatory, and she just really likes Rick and Morty.

Every time you think she won't possibly lift her shirt any higher, she does. Why is this happening?

As she continues droning on and on, you can’t help but wonder if she's on drugs or just like this. Because if she has drugs, you might be willing to keep nodding along to this for a bit longer. Not too long though, or you run the risk of missing the headliner and ending up in a 6 year relationship you're ambivalent about with no idea how you let it get that far.

Suddenly, the door swings open, bringing a moment of intelligibility to the dull thumping that has up to this point been the soundtrack to your new hell. You're 80% sure it's the bassist of the opening band. They were just OK, but you needlessly overstate your appreciation for their set. Why do you always do that? Oh, thank God it is him; that would have been awkward.

"Thanks, this is actually our first show in a couple years," he says.

Now he's telling you about every single band they've ever opened for and trying to recall the exact dates and names of the tours. Awesome. Quick, pretend to get a phone call.

"Sorry, I've gotta take this," you say as you walk back into the loud venue, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

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DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo

No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessories to teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.

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A post shared by nietskce nehpets (@stephen29) on Apr 1, 2019 at 6:41pm PDT

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Sweat Boys Caught Dousing with Fake Sweat During Performance

LA CROSSE, WI—In a shocking turn of events, the once-revered band Sweat Boys, renowned for their high-energy live performances drenched in perspiration, has been caught red-handed in a deceptive act that has left their fan base reeling. It has been revealed that the band members, led by indefatigable frontman Benny Sweat, have been surreptitiously spraying themselves with water to feign their signature sweat-soaked appearance on stage.

Sweat Boys, known for their raucous EBM anthems and fervent stage presence, had long captivated audiences with their seemingly boundless energy and visible commitment to their music. The band's lead singer, Benny Sweat, in particular, has become synonymous with his dripping brow and glistening chest, becoming a symbol of their intense performances.

However, a recent onstage incident has shaken the foundation of their image. On the evening of their most recent concert with Choke Chain, Silver Walks, and Be Wary, an eagle-eyed audience member stumbled upon a scene that has since shattered the illusion. As the band prepared to play their third song of the evening, hidden away from prying eyes, Benny Sweat was seen kneeling behind the synth rack, his hand clutching a spray bottle of water. The witness, taken aback by the sight, quickly realized the shocking truth: The profuse sweat that had come to define Sweat Boys' stage presence was not entirely authentic.

It appears that for an undisclosed period of time, the band had been secretly dousing themselves with water in an effort to create the illusion of intense perspiration. The discovery has left fans both disillusioned and bewildered, questioning the authenticity of countless performances that had once held them spellbound.

Representatives of Sweat Boys have yet to release an official statement addressing the controversy. Fans are left wondering if the band will attempt to salvage their tarnished reputation or if this revelation will mark the end of an era for Sweat Boys.

In an industry where authenticity and connection with fans are paramount, the scandal serves as a stark reminder of the fine line between entertainment and deceit. As they grapple with this newfound revelation, one question still remains: If the sweat was fake, then where was the smell coming from?

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Coronavirus Outbreak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero

ISLINGTON, UK—The deadly Coronavirus has made its way to London. One small community, however, has somehow remained uninfected.


 An outbreak has rocked parts of the city, hitting peak infection numbers and several deaths over the weekend. One small community in the Islington District has somehow remained an outlier.

It has been determined by the CDC that much of the staff at a local nightclub in London's Islington District has contracted the virus. The club operates two to dance floors: an ebm/aggrotech room on the ground level and a darkwave/goth room on the top level. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the ground level aggrotech floor due to several bartenders and a DJ being out sick.

All patrons have shown no symptoms and tested negative for COVID-19, although about a third of the club's regulars have tested positive for gonorrhea. All infected staff have been hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.

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