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Showing posts sorted by date for query industrial. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query industrial. Sort by relevance Show all posts

July 16, 2021

Band With Two Fans Begs For $5,000 in Crowdfunding Campaign


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass is once again making headlines within the goth and industrial scene. This time the band has asked for, and I quote, a "pitiful" amount of money to press their new album Industrial Sucks.

"We're pushing boundaries in the industrial scene," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group, "No one else can release as good an album as we can! We pirated and cracked a DAW, and now we're making waves."

The waves they so fondly proclaim to be making has netted them less than one-hundred views on YouTube and Spotify combined. Their social media pages are particularly sad to look at considering no one in the scene interacts with them.

"We've been squashed and censored by social media algorithms," claimed Maclaver, "Even though we see other bands utilizing hard work and friendly promotion to lift both themselves and their fellow peers, that's not what we're doing."

In fact, what Maclaver has stated is more than truthful. Rather than attempting to build a strong connection with those around them, Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been begging people for money to get their new album pressed.

"Yeah, we could get jobs and work a few hours during the week and save up the money to press the release ourselves, but my mom and dad have already said they would support me if I brought Industrial Sucks to Kickstarter. So, I mean, that's already two people for a five-thousand dollar goal. Plus, if I pester enough people in the scene about this, we'll definitely be loved and well liked," stated Maclaver.

As of right now, only one person has supported their crowdfunding campaign with five dollars. The message from the donor reads, "Get a fucking job and get the fuck out of our basement."

The duo behind the music has made headlines in the past for ranting and raving about sites not reviewing their album, trying to make the world's shittiest music video, as well as for accidentally building a deck while using power tool on stage. Who knows what else this wonky band will get up to.

January 20, 2021

Trump Pardons Trapt For Being Total Dildos



WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

The lame duck President has seemingly moved on to the nu metal scene and granted a pardon to Trapt, whose frontman, Chris Taylor Brown, has been making waves with his social media dickery. According to Trump, Brown and his band can now, "...be back on Twitter and the Facebook effective immediately." There is no word on whether anyone has explained to Trump that that's not how any of this works.

Trump Pardons Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin, William Control Before Leaving Office


WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

Sin Quirin of Ministry, Dahvie Vanity of Blood on the Dancefloor, and William Control of whoever he is are all said to be alleged predators of underage girls. Trump's disdain for "Cancel Culture" has led him to "pardon" these men of their "crimes." When informed that none of them have been charged or convicted of anything, Trump insisted that he add them to the list.

There has been no word yet on whether And One will be pardoned for being a crazy, Qanon Twitter nut. This article will be updated as more details are released.

October 2, 2020

WATCH: Donald Trump Praises Riveting News from Hospital, Slams Brutal Resonance



WASHINGTON, DC—Though he faces serious health concerns due to the novel coronavirus, President Trump has been vigorously sharing his unprompted opinions on random subjects with any and all hospital staff within earshot.

While being treated for COVID-19 with his wife Melania, Trump weighed in on the industrial scene's top two news sites, Riveting News and Brutal Resonance.  Though unexpected, what he had to say was not surprising considering some of the questionable reporting the latter publication has done in recent years. Special thanks to Austin Nasso for this exclusive footage.

May 15, 2020

Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like


BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

June 3, 2019

Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck


GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

May 24, 2019

Grendel Slain by Beowulf


MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

April 2, 2019

DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo


No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessoriesto teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.


March 30, 2019

Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet


LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

January 16, 2019

Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross to Score All of Television, Cinema


As of today, celebrated industrial rock veteran, Trent Reznor, and his esteemed writing partner, Atticus Ross, have taken over scoring duties for all watchable media for the foreseeable future.

"After Bird Box got so huge, it was really the only option at that point," the jovial, oft-grumpy Reznor said.

Since their Oscar-winning breakout score to The Social Network, the duo have been in high demand. The harrowing keys set the backdrop of fellow loner and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, garnering many accolades and new opportunities. After that, they scored 73 more forgettable films and tv shows and local news intros and now, everything.

"It's really not that complicated, there's just this one chord, and it goes to the satellite and... (I have to apologize, but I got lost in the technicalities for two hours)... and with my new job at Apple, they just said we could do them all now," Reznor said as Atticus nodded or napped.

The general public has found that the mix of dissonant plinky keyboards and reverbed synth swells fits nicely into whatever new show they are binge-watching to sporting events to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. C-SPAN ratings are reportedly at an all-time high.

They even decided to incorporate one of Nine Inch Nails previous guitar players, who had fallen on hard times.

"I saw a homeless man the other day, belting out in a beautifully painful eruption of grief, so I sent Atts to go do a field recording to use for whatever sad war thing Ken Burns has coming out. Apparently the homeless guy was Aaron North, so we will credit him for that time coming up in the future."

"Looks like his life went more Aaron South," Ross deadpanned.

So what is next for this duo? Video games.

"We are looking to get into a way of scoring all the video games too, but fear we might get sucked into playing them and not accomplish anything for a few years," Reznor said wistfully.

Written by Chris Stienstra

December 9, 2018

Donald Trump Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas


WASHINGTON, DC—Let's say he recorded an industrial album featuring a single about fake news. Trump always gets attention, and we have to make it industrial related.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Trump says something about being sick of the vapid world of politics (except he probably doesn't know what vapid means) and how his handlers never let him smear black grease paint on his neck before doing a press conference. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of are which we barely did because this is a copy paste of the Taylor Swift article. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Trump has found his true calling. I'm honored to be working with him." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind him. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Trump on our website in order to pump out another article. Let's even do a shitty job of cutting him out too.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

December 2, 2018

Study: 12% of All Electrical Tape Used to Cover Nipples


BERKELEY, CA—According to research conducted by UC Berkeley, a small but significant portion of electrical tape is being used to cover the human nipple rather than wires.

The study was recently published in Engineering Quarterly and focused on the decline of electrical tape use. The study cited possible causes such as the affordability of heat shrink butt connectors. In fact, a high percentage of technicians do not even carry the tape due to the ever-decreasing cost of simply replacing entire components.

The authors of the paper break down the most common uses of electrical tape in modern times. Buried within these statistics, is an interesting figure. It is estimated that around 12.4% of electrical tape purchases are made by consumers intending to cover their own or other people's nipples.

While the report did not contain any verbiage regarding situations in which the black tape might be used as pasties, it has been known to appear in various places such as industrial album covers, photos of goth Instagram models, burlesque performances, and feminist rallies.

September 19, 2018

Shiv-R Puts Jacket On, No Longer Cold


MELBOURNE, AU—It would be hard to convince anyone that an Australian native would be cold considering the beaming rays of sun that cook the surface of the land Down Under, but for two men this is a sad reality they have to live with. Until recently, they've been unaware of a common remedy.

The industrial and dark electro producers behind Shiv-R, Pete Crane and Ben Bulig, have had their fight against their cold state well documented since the initiation of their project. The name of their band is a play on the word "shiver" and showcases their struggle to get warm. Though the sun always strikes down upon them, the two musicians have always found themselves walking in a sunny winter wonderland, and they cannot shake that feeling off of themselves.

This is before they discovered jackets, an invention that is hardly known to Australian natives due to the weather and deserts that surround them. A Riveting News field team was in Melbourne when one of our reporters asked a random man on the street what a jacket was, and he replied, "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, mate. I don't even know who you are. Or what you're wearing. You're a freak. Get outta here."

When introduced to jackets, they were at first skeptical and scared, they were soon coaxed into wearing the jackets. As their feeble and shivering hands slid into the jacket and after their bodies, Crane and Bulig were no longer cold.

In a closed interview afterwards, Shiv-R has announced they would soon start a new side-project called Sweat-N in reference to their newfound love and cure for the shivers.

June 19, 2018

Homophobic Leæther Strip Fan Completely Clueless


DURHAM, NC—38-year-old Ken Cosgrove is a self described "Leæther Head" obsessed with all things Leæther Strip and Klutæ. Conversely, he is also a raging homophobe who regularly posts videos of himself burning pride flags.

I first found Cosgrove when a Facebook friend shared a video of a man burning a rainbow flag and chanting, "F**s must die." As I watched in disgust, I noticed he was wearing what looked like a Japanese Bodies t-shirt. There was certainly a story there. After reaching out to him, Cosgrove agreed to sit down for a brief interview. Before I had a chance to ask him to share a little about his stance on homosexuality and the industrial scene, he offered it unprompted.

"Industrial bands these days are a bunch of queer kids wearing makeup like f**s. Who knows what's going on with them. I can't fucking stand f******s," explained Cosgrove, "but then you have Leæther Strip. Claus is a fuckin' Alpha, dude. I bet he slays mad chicks."

When asked about the lyrics of songs like "Invade My Body," Cosgrove claimed that the song was "obviously sung from the point of view of all the chicks he's always railing."

When asked about Claus' penchant for wearing leather dungeon straps around his chest on stage, Cosgrove replied, "Yeah, so did He-Man, and he was as manly as they come."

FInally, I asked Cosgrove if he thought Claus Larsen was a "man's man." He responded, "Oh, definitely," and then added, "What's with all these questions anyway? What are you trying to get at? I'm not a fuckin' f*****t, bro. I'll fuckin' knock you out."

I opted not to let Dan in on the non-secret. I think we can all relate to discovering that an artist we look up to isn't what we'd thought they were and how devastating a realization that can be. He was happy in his ignorance, and though hateful people don't deserve happiness, Claus and Kurt certainly deserve this scumbag's money.

May 22, 2018

Taylor Swift Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas


NASHVILLE, TN—Let's say she recorded an industrial album featuring a single about her breakup with pop-country. That should work, right? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Swift says something about being sick of the vapid world of pop stardom and how her handlers never let her smear black grease paint on her neck before going on stage. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of did. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Taylor has found her true calling. I'm honored to be working with her, bla bla bla." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind her. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Taylor Swift on our website in order to pump out another article.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

May 10, 2018

WATCH: Exclusive Footage of Caustic Performing on Grendel's Severed Nations Tour


MADISON, WI—On a cool Wednesday night in downtown Madison, Grendel was in town for the most recent stop on their Severed Nations Tour with Ghostfeeder and Peter Turns Pirate. Proud wearer of the industrial dunce cap, Caustic, took the stage after a stellar opening performance by Conformco. Reporter Dick Wrigley was on location to shoot exclusive footage of Caustic's set. Warning: Not suitable for mature viewers

April 20, 2018

Obnoxious Industrial Fan Creates Fake News Site to Amuse Self, Four Others


INDUSTRIAL, WV—An industrial fan identifying himself only as "Dick Wrigley" has created a website called Riveting News in a low-brow attempt to lampoon the industrial scene. The site features made up articles with headlines often described on Reddit as "low hanging fruit." Sources say the second person to like the online publication's Facebook page was the man's girlfriend, who only did so out of perceived obligation.

According to Google Analytics, the only visitors are the writers who regularly visit the site to scroll through and admire their cleverness. The website displays multiple flashing ads that have raked in a reported $0.27 over the past year. It also features a link to a webstore full of mostly black T-shirts with asinine phrases in grungy fonts.

For more information about this useless website, visit their about page.

April 15, 2018

Industrial Band Breaks New Ground By Releasing Anti-Trump Song


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass has broken new ground in the industrial scene by releasing an anti-Trump song. Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, has faced little to no artistic backlash since he took office in 2017. Frontman Scario Maclaver has decided to change this with a new single that will surely impact the world of politics.

"I don't know, man. I only see nothing but good things about Donald Trump. Nobody ever talks shit on him. It's almost as if they're afraid. But we're not. That's why we're releasing this song," stated Maclaver when interviewed.

The song itself titled "Bigly Pig" focuses on Trump's irrational policies, constantly changing demeanor, outrageous Twitter rants, and child-like behavior. "It's a full-fledged verbal and noisy assault on Donald Trump. This is going to make history. This song will make Trump rethink everything he has done so far," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver also said that while the inflammatory song is against Trump, they refuse to hate anyone else in the Trump organization. "Have you ever seen Melania? I'd let her spank me and call me a bitch," stated Maclaver in an unprompted comment that made me end the interview.

"Bigly Pig" is due out this upcoming weekend so keep an eye out for the new single that, as stated before, will be the first of its kind.

December 12, 2017

Underground Band Furious Magazines Won't Review Their New Album


PORTLAND, OR—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is furious that their new album has not been reviewed by any online publications.

"We've been making music for a good year now. It's bullshit that these blogs aren't reviewing us. We are the best. The best of the best. Everyone needs to like our music," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group.

When we interviewed him on the spot, Maclaver went on a long, long tirade that lasted a half hour and put half the staff at Riveting News to sleep. In it, he bashed most of the industrial publications currently available. "What else do they do? It's not like they have full time jobs and other things to do. They sit at home in their rooms and listen to shit bands and that's it. But not us," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver has also sworn an online defamation war against the multi-million dollar industrial publication industry. He swears that he and his five followers will never, ever submit their albums to any online publication ever again.

Speaking to the Riveting News staff, Maclaver slandered us and stated, "Even you guys just post bullshit articles about us. Built a deck? My ass. It was a fucking patio. Get the story straight, jagoff. You guys haven't even wrote a review. I bet you only do paid reviews."

Maclaver then proceeded to stomp out of the building angrily pouting.

December 1, 2017

Gravity Kills' Jeff Scheel Falls from Fifth Floor, Survives


OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—The frontman of industrial rock band Gravity Kills survived a five story fall from an apartment building early Saturday morning. Police suspect he may have been pushed as they search for the Guilty party.

Jeff Scheel was found unconscious on top of a damaged vehicle at 13 Star Ave. at 12:30 am after Falling from a fifth-floor window, authorities said. Alcohol is not believed to have been a factor.

“I was Wide Awake when I heard a loud Crashing noise. I will Never forget it,” said One neighbor, Doug Firley. “We can Always hear people all night long, but they were running Down the stairs and yelling like they were Superstarved for attention or something. I Wanted to go down there and shut them up, but then I looked out the window. I've never seen a car's roof just Disintegrate like that.”

Another neighbor who called 911 when he heard Scheel fall, saw the stricken man on the ground, surrounded by distraught friends.

“They were asking, ‘Can you hear me?’ And another guy was asking If there were any medics Here,” said the third-floor resident, who gave his name as Kurt. “They sounded angry and they were yelling back and forth at each other.”

Though Scheel's injuries were severe, the incident occurred not far from Kerns Hospital, where he was admitted within Fifteen Minutes. A screen from the window was still on the ground outside the building Saturday, next to the car his body had landed on.

A source told us that the scene Inside the apartment from where Scheel had fallen had been Manipulated, which is Enough to suggest that someone is to Blame. Authorities are determined to Hold someone accountable, and are speaking with everyone who Last saw him.

"It is our Belief that this may have been an attempted murder. I'll tell you One Thing: I look Forward to getting to the bottom of this," said one officer and fan who asked to remain anonymous.

Scheel's friend Matt Dudenhoeffer was visibly shaken and on the verge of a Breakdown, "I'm just so glad he's Alive and I didn't have to say Goodbye. I know I would Drown in grief. That man Never hurt anyone; didn't have a single Enemy. Most rock stars are all about Love, Sex, And Money, but not Jeff. He was so kind, you could Beg And Borrow anything from him. If he ever met you, he'd never Forget Your Name. He had so much going for him, I can't believe someone would try to Take It All Away."

Scheel is said to be in a medically induced coma while he heals from broken ribs, which almost caused him to Suffocate. A candle light vigil will be held on Wednesday at Personal Jesus Methodist Church for those wishing to gather in prayer for his recovery.



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