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April 15, 2018

Industrial Band Breaks New Ground By Releasing Anti-Trump Song


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass has broken new ground in the industrial scene by releasing an anti-Trump song. Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, has faced little to no artistic backlash since he took office in 2017. Frontman Scario Maclaver has decided to change this with a new single that will surely impact the world of politics.

"I don't know, man. I only see nothing but good things about Donald Trump. Nobody ever talks shit on him. It's almost as if they're afraid. But we're not. That's why we're releasing this song," stated Maclaver when interviewed.

The song itself titled "Bigly Pig" focuses on Trump's irrational policies, constantly changing demeanor, outrageous Twitter rants, and child-like behavior. "It's a full-fledged verbal and noisy assault on Donald Trump. This is going to make history. This song will make Trump rethink everything he has done so far," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver also said that while the inflammatory song is against Trump, they refuse to hate anyone else in the Trump organization. "Have you ever seen Melania? I'd let her spank me and call me a bitch," stated Maclaver in an unprompted comment that made me end the interview.

"Bigly Pig" is due out this upcoming weekend so keep an eye out for the new single that, as stated before, will be the first of its kind.

March 28, 2018

Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross


BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

March 22, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following McMaster Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Little more than a week after the firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Gen. H. R. McMaster, the battle-tested Army officer tapped as President Trump’s national security adviser last year to stabilize a turbulent foreign policy operation, will resign and be replaced by John R. Bolton, a hard-line former United States ambassador to the United Nations, White House officials said Thursday.

General McMaster will retire from the military, the officials said. He has been discussing his departure with President Trump for several weeks, they said, but decided to speed up his departure, in part because questions about his status were casting a shadow over his conversations with foreign officials.

This story is still developing. Check back for future details.

March 21, 2018

Addict Sells Vintage Collection of Methamphetamine to Pay for Synth Habit


BIRMINGHAM, AL—It's no secret that synthesizer addiction is quickly becoming a national epidemic. The actions of one addict, Bradley Taylor, 34, has made it clear that the trend shows no sign of slowing down. After an unsuccessful intervention staged by his friends and family, Taylor agreed to open up about the terrible disease he is not yet ready to address.

"I remember when I first tuned in," said the fixed-pitch virtual analog user, but like most synthetic users, he quickly escalated. "I needed something purer, and I moved on to actual analog," Taylor explained. "It's just that, stepped filters weren't cutting it for me. The MicroKorg was a terrible gateway. I quickly began looking for things to sell to afford my addiction—and eventually turned to my vintage collection of methamphetamine."

The methamphetamine in question once belonged to Taylor's late grandfather, Darryl Taylor who died in a meth lab explosion in a shed located on his property. After years of remaining hidden in a stainless steel Kiss thermos under the sink, Taylor's father discovered the antique narcotics while fixing a clogged drain and later willed it to his son after losing a long battle with colon cancer.

While Taylor has noticed changes in his personal health, including more regular blood pressure, improved sleep, and an overall sense of fulfillment, he still misses his vintage collection of individually bagged grams of crank. Towards the end of our interview, the crazed addict began frantically searching his living room for other items to pawn in support of his habit, and threatened this publication with paranoid analog-drift delusions.

Interview conducted by Kevin Barron.

March 13, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Tillerson Firing


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of State Rex Willerson's ousting, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has removed him as Secretary of State and replaced him with current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, after months of speculation surrounding Tillerson's role in the Trump administration, a fact that Tillerson found out at the same time as the public.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Tillerson's ouster, thanking Tillerson for his service.



Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!
Before the president's tweet, the Washington Post first reported news of Tillerson's firing.

As Mr. Trump departed for a California trip Tuesday morning, he told reporters that he and Tillerson "disagree on things," and he singled out the Iran nuclear deal as an issue.

February 5, 2018

Goth Kid's Mom Forgets Count Chocula Again


PICTURED: Hunched over a bowl of generic corn flakes, 15-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson says he knows for a fact he told his mom to pick up a box of his favorite cereal.

WATERFORD, CT—It seemed as if it were a regular Monday morning just like any other. Around 6:45 AM, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson woke up for school immediately craving his favorite cereal as a vampire would lust for blood. After getting dressed and applying his makeup, Hanson walked down stairs and went into the kitchen.

"The first thing I did was grab a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher. I was supposed to put them away last night, but I don't even care. Then I got the milk out of the fridge. Oh, and she got 1% again, which is a whole other thing. I set it all on the table and went to the pantry to get some Count Chocula, because I know I told my mom we were out before she went to the store yesterday."

That's when everything came crashing down. There was no box of Count Chocula. Instead, there was only an old box of corn flakes, and a new, unopened box of Froot Loops. Hanson's mom had forgotten the dark, sinister cereal.

"I was so pissed. My mom was in the bathroom so I yelled through the door like, 'Mom, where's the Count Chocula? Did you leave it in the van?' And she's like, 'Oh, sorry, Sweetie, I forgot.' She pulled this shit a few weeks ago too."

In that moment, Ravenblood—by which Hanson insisted we refer to him in this article—was speechless. Not only had Mrs. Hanson forgotten the Count Chocula, but she managed to remember Ravenblood's little sister's favorite cereal, Froot Loops.

"Mackenzie gets everything; it's bullshit. I can't eat fucking Froot Loops. They're made of bright colors, and just look at how happy that fucking toucan looks," explained Ravenbood.

When it was pointed out that Count Chocula is also smiling on the box, Ravenblood responded, "Yeah, but that's because he's, like, excited to bring the sweet embrace of death upon the living."

January 29, 2018

Founder of Cybergoth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cybergoth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cybergoth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cybergoth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cybergoth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cybergoth leg warmer rescue.

January 10, 2018

Orgy Covers New Order's "Blue Monday," Hopes Everyone Forgot They Did 20 Years Ago


SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has released a new single this week: another cover of New Order's classic "Blue Monday."

Orgy is best known for its first cover of New Order's "Blue Monday" in 1998. The song and music video gained heavy air play on both MTV and terrestrial radio, which lead to their debut album "Candyass" selling over two million copies. Since then, the band has been unable to top or recreate that original success. They finally made headlines again in 2013, this time for failing to reach their album's crowdfunding goal by $91,000.

When asked for comment, lead singer/songwriter, and only original member of Orgy, Jay Gordon stated, "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. That never happened. Why are you asking me about shit from 20 years ago anyway? I'm 32; how could I have a band when I was 8-years-old?"

But a moment later, "Look man, off the record," confessed Gordon without waiting for us to agree that this would be kept off the record, "I know we already covered this song. This isn't even a new recording. It's the same one. All I know is it's the only God damn thing that ever made me any money, and I burned through that a long time ago. I also know that if I don't show up in Malibu this summer with a jet ski, all of my boys and that hot, young trim are going to think I'm an asshole. Gordon went on to say, "Look man we tried crowdfunding... touring... do you have any idea how much fucking glitter eye shadow I own? I am 50-fucking-years-old, man, and I wear vinyl pants every fucking day. So I'm gonna catch motherfucking lightning in a bottle again and get me a Yamaha VX1050A-RB in red."

When asked for comment, former Orgy and current Julien-K members Amir Derakh and Ryan Shuck said, “No comment,” after several minutes of uninterrupted laughter.



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