Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle

RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

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Aphex Twin Admits He Literally Has No Idea What He’s Doing

Written by Isaac Martin

SCOTLAND—Richard D. James of Aphex Twin fame admits to us in an interview: "Yeah, I just go on stage and twiddle knobs until people start cheering."

When asked to explain further, James confesses that he has never really written a single song. Every morning he wakes up to a completely new song recorded, mixed, and mastered.

When asked how this was possible, James stated that one day he watched a box full of "musical doodads" get hit by a strange bolt of lightning, and afterwards the electronics started creating otherworldly sounds. When asked what gear was struck, he promptly said, "Gears? I'm a musician, not a clocksmith..."

Incredibly, when he showed us his studio, it was devoid of any and all equipment apart from an Apple Macintosh II computer running Linux and a pair of unplugged speakers. When asked where his synthesizers were, James replied, “My what? Oh, yeah, those things,” and then didn't answer the question.

James claims he will release new music if, "The rains are good this year," and hopefully they are.

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Ghostfeeder Opens Food Pantry for Disembodied Spirits

TAMPA, FL—Synthrock electropop project Ghostfeeder has started a nonprofit organization dedicated to feeding apparitions in need.

"I just wanted to give back. It makes my day when someone comes in who had recently died of starvation," said frontman Derek Walborn.

The idea came to him when an earthbound specter approached him after a show expecting food. "I was confused. I thought he was just goth, but then I realized he was actually dead," recounted Walborn.

Although Walborn does not overtly advertise it, his food pantry features a back room with a cooler full of blood bags for malnourished poltergeists who have lost their hosts. Indeed, he is wholly dedicated to providing sustenance for a diverse group of ghosts.

Said Walborn, "I don't discriminate or judge. Maybe they have perfectly legitimate resentments toward the living; we don't know. Imagine how hard it must be to glom onto a family or person you've decided to terrorize and then they go and die in an accident that you didn't even get to cause."

Ghostfeeder's food pantry for phantoms is open Monday through Friday from dusk til dawn and on Halloween regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bolton Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of John Bolton's firing as national security adviser, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

President Trump announced Tuesday that he had fired his national security adviser, John Bolton, saying in tweets that he “disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions.”

“I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House,” Trump said.“I asked John for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. I thank John very much for his service.”

I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House. I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions, as did others in the Administration, and therefore....

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 10, 2019

Trump said he would name a replacement next week.

Bolton, a former diplomat and political commentator who came on board in April 2018, was Trump’s third national security adviser.

Trump’s harshly worded tweet made clear that long-simmering frustration with Bolton had boiled over. Bolton immediately took issue with Trump’s assertion that he was fired, saying that he had offered his resignation. “Let’s be clear, I resigned, having offered to do so last night,” Bolton told The Washington Post.

So, basically, Trump pulled a, "You can't quit, you're fired!"

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R. Kelly Petitions Judge to be Let out of Solitary Confinement, Placed in Women's Juvenile Facility

CHICAGO, IL—Lawyers for the embattled former R&B star filed an emergency motion on Thursday arguing he should be released from solitary confinement while awaiting trial on child pornography charges.

Kelly is getting no sunlight, no "meaningful interaction with underage girls," limited email access, and is allowed to shower just three times a week, his lawyers said in the motion. They claim he is being unfairly targeted because of his charges and because of his celebrity status.

Kelly is being held in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago after being arrested by federal authorities on child pornography and sex abuse charges in July.

After his arrest, the Bureau of Prisons determined Kelly could not be held in general population at the prison for his own safety, according to the motion.

But when Kelly requested to be transferred out of solitary confinement, BOP said he would not be eligible for a transfer to a women's juvenile facility “because of his alleged offense and notoriety and the fact that he is an adult man,” according to the motion.

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Mattel Set to Release New Cybergoth Barbie

Dolls by Dakota's Song

Ever since the 1959 launch of Barbie, Mattel has been considered the crowned ruler of the toy industry, second only to LEGO. But in their time on this Earth Mattel has always been lacking consideration for a certain niche scene: the cybergoth community.

With its ever-growing presence and viral videos of the cybergoth community celebrating Christmas by dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You', it was only a matter of time before Mattel began listening to the cybergoth community. At the local toy store, we found Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker browsing through a selection of Barbie's to much discontent.

"Why can't I be represented in the Barbie line-up?" asked Nightfaery, "I asked one of the employees here if they had any cybergoth barbies, and when I told them what it was, the guy brought me to a section with Mortal Kombat action figures. To say that I was livid is an understatement. I bitched at his manager and hope he gets fired. I'll also be contacting corporate."

Mattel heard the many upset voices in the cybergoth community and finally spoke out. Ynon Kreiz, the CEO of Mattel, spoke out at a press conference with shocking news, "We have heard the cybergoth community speak out, and we are here to showcase our brand new Barbie for your special community. Introducing the Cybergoth Barbie!"

An image of a newly made Cybergoth Barbie was revealed as cybergoth journalists in the crowd danced to Tactical Sekt's hit club song 'Not Entertained'.

The suggested retail price of the newly announced Cybergoth Barbie will be $24.99 USD, and will come packaged with several respirators and gas masks, leather outfits, combat boots, and two different pairs of leg warmers. Also included will be a tiny roll of black nipple tape, marking the first time in history Mattel has in some way acknowledged this missing part of Barbie's anatomy.

Cybergoth Barbie's release date has yet to be revealed. It will be sold exclusively at Toys R Us.

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Caustic Takes Fan's Response to Limited Edition Cassette Literally

MADISON, WI—Matt Fanale, the man behind Caustic and half of Klack has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at his merch table.

During a recent show at The Crucible, Matt Fanale was working the merch table after his set when a man in his early to mid thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented him on his performance. Upon thanking him, Fanale promptly drew the man's attention to the large stack of limited edition cassettes left over from the last few albums.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I told him not to do them, because who the hell wants a cassette? Matt was adamant though. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl, and I'm the new Devo,' whatever that means. But yeah, this was the first time I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted Fanale's partner in music and general wrangler, Eric Oehler.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Lindsey, told us, "Caustic is a natural performer and just wants to please his fans. This wouldn't be the first time he's taken it too far. It just sucks because I was gonna buy one before this all went down."

Fanale was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. He has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. An unknown user, "linds1981," currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

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Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure

PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra Nightfaery, However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

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