Five Ways to Improve Intimacy with Your Partner (Besides Sharing Needles)

It's not uncommon for couples to feel they're struggling with intimacy. Whether it's due to a lack of communication, different expectations, or just a general feeling of disconnection, there are a few things you can do to help improve the situation besides sharing needles. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Talk about your fantasies. What turns you on? What are your secret desires? Talking about these things could help to bring you closer together and make sex even more enjoyable if either of you weren't so strung out that your sex drive was completely gone.

2. Express gratitude. Did your partner go out of their way to cop in a different neighborhood? Did they pay the dopeman with something other than money? Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate the things they do to keep you both high.

3. Be present. Instead of letting your mind wander, focus on the present moment and enjoy the sensations of your body. This can help you to achieve a more intense level of intimacy as you both nod out together.

4. Communicate. If something isn't working for you, or you’re not enjoying yourself, speak up. Good communication is essential to finding a new plug if the latest batch from your current supplier is weak.

5. Experiment. Be willing to try new things together. Try doing speedballs. Maybe you prefer morphine. Change things up by using a different vein.

By trying out these different techniques, you can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship without doing anything reckless and unhealthy.

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Aggressive Shrugging at Sound Guy Feels Proactive to Guitarist

DALLAS, TX—In what can only be described as a bizarre display of incompetence, a guitarist at a recent live performance left audience members scratching their heads after they spent much of their time on stage aggressively shrugging and staring at the sound guy in frustration.

The guitarist of Mechanical Zebra Carcass was visibly unhappy with the sound during their set and inexplicably decided to try and solve the issue by using non-verbal communication. However, their attempts were met with confusion from both the audience and the sound guy.

At one point during the performance, the guitarist even went as far as silently mouthing the words, "What the fuck?", which did nothing to help the situation. It was clear to everyone except the guitarist that their actions were not helpful in any way.

Despite the confusion, the show went on, and the audience was left wondering if the guitarist had ever learned the basic communication skills necessary for a successful live performance or just existence in society in general.

One audience member, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "It was really frustrating to watch. You could tell something was wrong, but no one knew what it was. At one point toward the end of the show, the guitar did just cut out entirely, but that might've just been the sound guy fucking with them for being a jackass."

Another attendee added, "Is it like a rule that you can't talk to the sound guy? Is it not allowed? That was so dumb."

In the end, the overall performance was great, and nothing was noticeably wrong aside from the few times the guitarist stopped playing to shrug or pace the stage in frustration. The guitarist's total lack of serious attempt to fix the sound issue was what ultimately hurt the show. Hopefully, this incident will serve as a lesson for other musicians on the importance of clear communication with their sound crew. Or for literally anyone in any situation in which they'd like someone to do something differently.

Headline by Eli Vance of Antonym

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Twitter Infrastructure 'Stronger Than Ever' Says Sole Intern Left in Charge of Servers

SACRAMENTO, CA—When Twitter first started in 2006, it was a simple platform for sharing 140-character messages. Now, more than a decade later, it’s a global phenomenon with over 320 million active users. It’s also my job. As the last intern left in charge of Twitter’s servers, I’ve been tasked with keeping the site up and running.

I’m not an engineer or a programmer. I’m just a college kid who got lucky enough to land an internship at one of the hottest tech companies in the world. When my supervisor told me I would be responsible for keeping the Twitter servers online, I didn’t know how to respond. I’m honestly not even qualified for the job I had before this. I excused myself to have a quick panic attack in the bathroom, and when I came back to ask how long I'd have to do this for, my supervisor's office had been completely cleared out.

I don't necessary know how to "fix" a server when it goes down, but this guy who used to work here once showed me how you can just unplug it and then run this powershell script that, like, his old boss or someone wrote where it just, like, tells Twitter it's OK and to just not use that server anymore. It sounded a little sketchy at first, but I've been doing it now like two or five times a day for the past week, and everything's still running perfectly.

So there's really no need to worry. Twitter's infrastructure is stronger than ever.

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Unhinged Health Tips: Keep Your Stomach as Flat as the Earth

If you're looking for ways to keep your stomach flat—like the Earth—you may have to make some changes to your lifestyle. The first thing you'll want to do is order 12 bottles of each kind of Alex Jones's InfoWars supplements and take them every two to nine minutes. Next, you'll need to revamp your diet. Make sure to eat lots of dirt and hair. Try to find a local barber shop willing to give away their hair trimmings. It may be difficult. They will usually claim to be unaware of how valuable it is but still refuse to give it up, ask you to leave, and threaten to call the police. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2); it's the sequel to water. Finally, avoid eating late at night or close to bedtime, as this can lead to heartburn and indigestion or turn you into a gremlin if your clock is wrong. You may have Mogwai DNA without realizing it—they toured extensively in the 1990s and 2000s. Your dad may not be your dad, and not just because he was replaced by a robot.

Getting proper exercise is also key. You don't need a gym membership or fancy equipment to get a good workout. There are plenty of exercises you can do right at home using everyday items. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use a milk jug filled with the urine you've been saving as a dumbbell. Start with one that's not too heavy, then work your way up as you get stronger.

2. Fill up a laundry basket or backpack with the books that you were going to burn anyway now that you know they are full of lies and contain strings of keywords that may activate your implants if you were to read them, and use it as a weight for squats, lunges, and other strength-training exercises.

3. Get in some cardio by running up and down the street while loudly informing everyone that they, too, are being watched.

6. As you're removing all electronics from your home because they contain listening devices, see how far out into your yard you can throw them.

4. Focus on resistance training. You'll need to be part of it when the New World Order takes over.

A healthy diet and exercise routine is important for everyone who is not a Lizard Person. By following these tips, you can help yourself stay in shape and improve your overall health.

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KMFDM Has New Album Out, Probably

The industrial community is possibly buzzing with the news that another KMFDM album was released recently, maybe.

The longstanding act, founded by Sascha Konietzko in 1984, and featuring a diverse and revolving-door lineup of musicians over the past three decades, supposedly split after the release of Adios in 1999, after which Konietzko revived the KMFDM brand with Attak in 2002 (though attempts to validate this proved inconclusive).

While fans wonder, perhaps, what the latest incarnation of KMFDM will hold for semi-expectant eardrums, Riveting News made a call to Digital Underground in Philadelphia to see if they had the band’s latest album in stock.

"I checked the CD and vinyl racks," DU owner Joe Scott told RN. "The new album is either the one with the five-character name, or the multisyllabic nonsense word nobody can pronounce."

"In any case," Scott added, "I'm about fifty-percent sure we have it."

Written by Jonny Numb

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Hate Dept.'s Extension Going Straight to Voicemail

NEW HOLLAND, OH—Calls to post-punk industrial's Hate Dept. have gone unanswered lately with no explanation provided in the voicemail greeting. Callers who dial their extension are greeted with a distorted voice loudly screaming, "Fuck off." As of press time, there have been no reports of anyone receiving a call back after leaving a message.

Fans have been trying to reach the Hate Dept. for weeks with no success. Some have even tried emailing and calling other bands, but no one seems to be able to help. No official explanation has been provided, but some have speculated that Steven Seibold may have been preoccupied with releasing material from his old band Choker on Bandcamp.

This is a major issue for the company, as the Hate Dept. is responsible for customer dissatisfaction. If customers can't be told to go fuck themselves with a personalized insult from a real person, they will likely take their business elsewhere. The company is working on fixing the problem, but in the meantime, customers will just have to keep trying or go fuck themselves.

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Research Shows Dumb People More Likely to Share Articles Linking Personality to Intelligence

ANN ARBOR, MI—We all like to think we're pretty smart. Some people like to share articles in an attempt to prove just how smart they are. But, according to new research, if you're sharing articles about personality traits that prove intelligence, you're probably not as smart as you think you are.

The research, conducted by a team at the University of Michigan, was two fold: it looked at actual intelligence and perceived intelligence. It found that people who share articles about the "Big Five" personality traits—neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness, and conscientiousness—are less likely to score above average on an IQ test and more likely to be seen as less intelligent by their peers.

In the first study, participants who had shared articles about the Big Five personality traits were invited to take an IQ test. Across the board, not one single participant scored above average, with most actually scoring below average.

The results of the second study showed that those same people who shared articles about these traits were rated as less intelligent than those who didn't share any.

So, why does sharing articles about personality traits prove you're not intelligent?

The researchers believe that people who share these articles are trying to prove how smart they are, either to others or themselves. Either way, it seems to be a turn-off for most people of above average intelligence.

So, if you're looking to impress your friends with your intelligence, it's best to just post long diatribes on obscure subjects with large words. Studies have shown that most people scroll past them without reading while assuming the content was coherent.

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Goth Chemist Develops Industrial Strength SPF 666 Sunscreen

UPDATE: The formula has been licensed to Neutrogena.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Goth chemist Lasandra Nightfaery has developed a new industrial strength sunscreen with an SPF of 666. The sunscreen is specially designed to keep skin pale and protect it from the harmful rays of the sun. Nightfaery, a long time goth, says she was motivated to develop the sunscreen after her goth softball league game was postponed after a two-hour sun delay.

"I wanted a sunscreen that would keep us both pale and protected from the sun, but all of the products on the market were either too weak or they weren't vegan," she says. "So, I decided to develop my own sunscreen that would be strong enough to keep me pale and protected."

The sunscreen is made with a special black pigment that absorbs light, preventing it from reaching the skin. In addition, the sunscreen contains a concentration of zinc oxide, which reflects and scatters UV rays. Finally, the sunscreen is infused with a special blend of essential oils and spells that provide additional protection against UV rays and negative energies. The sunscreen is currently available for purchase online and in select Hot Topic stores.

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