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Dead Animal Assembly Plant Launches Build-A-Bear Workshop Franchise

UPDATE: Build-A-Bear Workshop, Inc. has filed an injunction against Dead Animal Assembly Plant stating they "never approved these ghastly changes to store operations."

Stirring both fascination and controversy, the renowned industrial band Dead Animal Assembly Plant has ventured into an unexpected business realm by opening its very own Build-A-Bear Workshop store. However, unlike the traditional fluffy and cuddly creations, this establishment offers a rather macabre twist: customers can utilize parts of deceased animals to construct their own customized dead animals.

The band, known for its dark and provocative themes, aims to provide enthusiasts of the macabre with an outlet to express their artistic inclinations in a truly unique way. The store's concept merges elements of taxidermy with the interactive experience of creating a personalized stuffed animal.

"We wanted to create an immersive experience that reflects the ethos of our music and artistic vision," explained the band's frontman, Zach Wager. "Our Build-A-Bear Workshop offers a platform for individuals to explore their fascination with the darker side of life while engaging in a hands-on, creative process."

Upon entering the store, patrons are greeted by a chilling ambiance, complete with dim lighting and eerie music playing softly in the background. The shelves are adorned with an array of animal parts, ranging from preserved hides and bones to feathers and claws, sourced ethically and legally.

Customers are guided through the workshop by staff members, affectionately referred to as "Undertakers," who assist them in selecting their desired components and assembling their creations. The customization options are extensive, allowing for the creation of a wide variety of morbid masterpieces, from traditional taxidermy-style animals to surreal and fantastical hybrids.

Despite the innovative nature of the concept, the store's opening has sparked debate among animal rights activists and members of the public alike. Some argue that it promotes a disrespectful and exploitative attitude towards deceased animals, while others defend it as a form of artistic expression and a celebration of individuality.

"We understand that our concept may not be for everyone, and we respect differing viewpoints," stated Wager. "However, we believe in the importance of pushing boundaries and challenging societal norms through art. Our Build-A-Bear Workshop provides a platform for people to engage with taboo subjects in a safe and controlled environment."

As the controversy surrounding Dead Animal Assembly Plant's Build-A-Bear Workshop continues to unfold, one thing remains certain: the band's foray into the world of unconventional entrepreneurship has undoubtedly left a lasting impression on both fans and critics alike.

Dead Animal Assembly Plant is now on tour!

Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."


I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.

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