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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Scaramucci Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci submitting his resignation Monday, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only days after Scaramucci's hiring. After his arrival, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

A day before Priebus' announced departure last week, Scaramucci made headlines for delivering a scathing, profanity-laced critique of Priebus and others to a reporter from The New Yorker.

Sources inside the White House told Riveting News that Scaramucci offered his resignation Monday morning to newly sworn-in chief of staff John Kelly, with a request to be redeployed as chief strategy officer at the Export-Import Bank, to allow Kelly to assert his leadership in the West Wing.

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed Scaramucci's departure in a statement after the news broke.

"Mr. Scaramucci felt it was best to give chief of staff John Kelly a clean slate and the ability to build his own team," the statement read.

Scaramucci's role formally began only last Wednesday, July 26.

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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Man Injures Penis on Goth Girlfriend's New Fangs

DENVER, CO—A man identified only as Josh Ravenblood has been hospitalized following an unfortunate sexual mishap with his girlfriend who had recently undergone an elective dental procedure.

The young couple were having an intimate moment in their car outside a local nightclub when the incident took place.

"I'd gotten my [dental] caps last week, and I just kind of forgot I had them. I was always meant to have fangs, so they just felt so natural, you know? I was going down on him [in the car] after Leather & Lace. The shifter was kind of in the way, so it was hard for me to really give it my all," said 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfary.

It was then, perhaps due to his girlfriend's lackluster performance, that Ravenblood took matters into his own hands.

"He grabbed me by my extensions and started thrusting my head into his lap. It was pretty hot. Then I heard him screaming. I just thought he'd finished, because for a second, I thought I could feel it in my mouth. Then I realized it wasn't... you know... it was actually blood."

Surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, Nightfary tore the lacy sleeve from the hysterical man's blouse, wrapped his lacerated organ, and promptly dialed 911. Ravenblood was rushed to a nearby hospital where he underwent emergency surgery.

When asked for any additional information, Nightfary simply smiled and stated, "I totally swallowed."

Deaf EDM Producer Keeps Getting Booked for Power Noise Shows

RICHMOND, VA—In a controversial case that has had the internet's electronic music scene up in arms, a deaf EDM producer has only been booked by promoters for power noise shows since his debut in the scene five years ago.

Jerry Smith, aka DJ Eardrum, has been practicing and toying with synthesizers and DAWs for the past eight years, but it was not until June 2012 when he got his first gig. "I posted an ad on Craigslist linking anyone curious to what I do. I got contacted a few weeks later by some dude who told me to go to his venue in Colorado."

Things immediately did not seem right for Eardrum as when he got to the venue it looked like a broken down hole in the wall, not the usual lit up, college bro party drinking slophouse he was used to seeing on the internet. That didn't stop Eardrum from playing the set with his whole heart, however.

"As the set went on, all these goths flooded the dancefloor and I could not understand. I thought they hated EDM, but I made them party all night. They were really into it. It was then that I realized that my music must be so good that it's able to cross some sort of subcultural barrier."

DJ Eardrum is currently setting up a new EDM night in his hometown of Richmond, VA which is already making waves across the power noise scene.

Director Stanley Kubrick's Extensive Involvement in Moon Landing Hoax

It has been suggested that Stanley Kubrick, the truly gifted director who was responsible for such classics as 2001: A Space Odyssey was hired to help fake the Apollo landings. Given Kubrick’s painstaking attention to detail, it is now well known that he was involved in this elaborate conspiracy.
But if Kubrick was responsible for this ruse, it should certainly be considered his finest work. Just look at these special effects models he left behind. They were recently photographed by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). Here is the Apollo 11 set:
Most Directors would have been content to use a large sound stage, but Kubrick insisted on shooting on location. One anonymous source, claiming to be a member of Kubrick’s film crew for the moon project, has claimed that the Director insisted on shooting on the Lunar surface “Because he wanted to get the light just right.” The alleged cameraman has also stated that setting up the sets and operating the cameras in the harsh Lunar environment was extremely difficult, but as they were being paid more than double union scale it was well worth it.
Kubrick also insisted on building new sets for the later Apollo shoots, claiming that reusing the Apollo 11 set would lead to a lack of nuance between shoots.
Here is Kubrick’s Apollo 12 set:
Unfortunately the Apollo 13 shoot turned into a disaster. The principle shooting was very arduous, and then most of the Lunar surface footage was severely damaged by radiation from a Solar flare. Kubrick tried to fix the project in editing, but in the end he simply wasn’t satisfied with the result. He convinced a reluctant NASA to change the project to a rescue thriller, since most of the orbital photography was still usable and they could do most of the new lines with simple voiceovers. The project sold better than expected, but Kubrick was still disappointed about the ruined footage, as well as the several members of his film crew who died during production.
The Apollo 14 shoot was much easier and quicker, as they simply re-used the Apollo 13 set and re-recorded the dialog with the new Astronaut-Actors.
Here is the renamed set for the Apollo 14 shoot:
The tracks visible in the picture were caused by the film crew travelling to the set, as they landed a short distance away from the set to avoid damaging the fairly fragile models. Kubrick incorporated one of the camera carts into the shooting as a Lunar Rover to account for the film crews tracks.
But despite the success of the Apollo 14 project, Kubrick was getting bored with the whole NASA contract. He wanted to add a subplot involving a love triangle charged with sexual tension between the Apollo 15 Astronauts for the next shoot, but the NASA bureaucrats simply wouldn’t go for it.
For the Apollo 16 shoot Kubrick tried to sell a poignant story about a crash on the Lunar dark side, but NASA wouldn’t approve actually killing the Astronauts. Kubrick insisted that the deaths, while tragic, were artistically necessary to the plot, but NASA wouldn’t budge. The Director was furious about the obstructionist role NASA had assumed, but decided to continue with the next Apollo project, already deep in pre-production.
For the Apollo 17 shoot Kubrick decided to tone down the testosterone level by adding a woman scientist to the story. He was also hoping to sway NASA by pitching a more low brow concept that would have broader appeal to the flagging American audience.
Kubrick’s script was centered on the character of Dr. Sandra Goodacre, a marine biologist coming to terms with her place in the Universe while investigating the lost seas of the Moon. Kubrick also told the NASA bigwigs that she would have really big boobs which he said “Would look really amazing in the low Lunar gravity!” NASA told him that they would consider it.
Kubrick’s vision was not to be.
A week before shooting was scheduled to start NASA gave him a revised script, throwing the Director into a renewed rage. Kubrick’s reaction was remembered by a friend who would later relay the director’s profound disappointment. “Those bloody bastards axed Sandra!” shouted the Director, “Now I’m stuck with some Geologist schmuck named Harrison Goddamned Schmitt, and all he freaking does is pick up rocks and shit!”
Kubrick shot the Apollo 17 project, mostly due to legal considerations, but he would never again speak to anyone at NASA.
NASA still had three full-sized Saturn V props left, and they seriously considered producing more Apollo projects, even starting preliminary talks with David Lean as the new Director.
But politics would intervene.
Richard Nixon, needing to make budget cuts to continue funding the Vietnamese War, cancelled the entire Apollo project. Nixon was also apparently disappointed about not getting to see the footage of the “Moon-whale babe”, but that was almost certainly a minor factor in his decision.
No major film Director has been to the Moon since.

This answer is dedicated to my stepfather Andre, who passed away last Thursday. I hope he would have chuckled while reading it.
Rest well Andre

This article was republished from with Mr. Gemain's consent.

Goth Rhinoceros Wants to Go Extinct

AKAGERA, RW—Though the black rhino has been struggling to survive for decades, there exists one that has for years been a proponent of its entire species dying out.

The East African black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis minor) is one of the few remaining black rhino subspecies left in the world, and is currently listed as endangered due primarily to poaching; rhino horn made into dagger handles is a symbol of wealth in many countries. Contrary to popular opinion, the horn is not consumed primarily as an aphrodisiac; only small amounts are used for this purpose. 23-year-old Kamhout, an avid Bauhaus fan and resident at Akagera National Park in Rwanda, reluctantly participates in the Eastern Black Rhinoceros Species Survival Plan, a shared conservation effort by zoos throughout the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Despite his overall disinterest in existence, Kamhout once narrowly escaped his own death when poachers attempted to lure him into a trap using a special collector's edition Blu-ray copy of The Crow. Some volunteers have speculated that the brooding pachyderm may have refused to play into their hands due to his desire to witness the the extinction of his species, though park officials have pointed out that Kamhout also does not own a Blu-ray player.

Musician Takes Fan Response to Limited Edition Cassettes Literally

MADISON, WI—The frontman of Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at their merch table.

During a recent tour stop in the Dairy State, Scario Maclaver was working the merch table after his band's set when a man in his early thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented the singer on his performance. Upon thanking him, Maclaver promptly drew the man's attention to the limited edition cassette copies of the latest Mechanical Zebra Carcass album.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I really didn't even wanna do them, because who the fuck wants a cassette? Scar was adamant though that we have 'em pressed up. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl.' But yeah, this was the first time on the tour I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted the band's synth player Shavro Uticrus.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Jeremy Lane, 23, told us, "MZC is all about the fans, man. Scario will do whatever it takes to keep us satisfied. That dude in the cat shirt was a dick. I own that tape, and I love holding it in my hands while I listen to the first copy I bought off iTunes."

Maclaver was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. The band has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. A user "jlan1994" currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

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