July 25, 2017

Man Injures Penis on Goth Girlfriend's New Fangs

By Dick Wrigley


DENVER, CO—A man identified only as Josh Ravenblood has been hospitalized following an unfortunate sexual mishap with his girlfriend who had recently undergone an elective dental procedure.

The young couple were having an intimate moment in their car outside a local nightclub when the incident took place.

"I'd gotten my [dental] caps last week, and I just kind of forgot I had them. I was always meant to have fangs, so they just felt so natural, you know? I was going down on him [in the car] after Leather & Lace. The shifter was kind of in the way, so it was hard for me to really give it my all," said 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery.

It was then, perhaps due to his girlfriend's lackluster performance, that Ravenblood took matters into his own hands.

"He grabbed me by my extensions and started thrusting my head into his lap. It was pretty hot. Then I heard him screaming. I just thought he'd finished, because for a second, I thought I could feel it in my mouth. Then I realized it wasn't... you know... it was actually blood."

Surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, Nightfaery tore the lacy sleeve from the hysterical man's blouse, wrapped his lacerated organ, and promptly dialed 911. Ravenblood was rushed to a nearby hospital where he underwent emergency surgery.

When asked for any additional information, Nightfaery simply smiled and stated, "I totally swallowed."

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