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June 14, 2019

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sarah Sanders Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has announced that Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving the White House. Early on, Sanders came to accept that President Trump was the real press secretary of this administration. She publicly avoided contradicting him, even if that meant contradicting the truth.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Sanders' departure, thanking her for her service and suggesting that she would make a great governor for some reason.

June 3, 2019

Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck


GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

May 24, 2019

Grendel Slain by Beowulf


MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

April 13, 2019

Orgy Sues Messier 87 Black Hole for Copyright Infringement


LOS ANGELES, CA—The recently released photo of the supermassive black hole at the center of the Messier 87 galaxy has gone viral, thus beginning its 15 minutes of fame. However, a certain group whose 15 minutes has long since passed, is not amused. Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has filed suit against the black hole. Orgy frontman Jay Gordon claims that the astronomical phenomenon recently christened "Powehi" is infringing upon the cover art of Orgy's debut album "Candyass" released in 1998.

According to court records, Los Angeles County Small Claims Court Judge Marshall Hartford was critical of the suit and cited multiple flaws in Orgy's case before throwing it out entirely. Hartford stated that it was not possible to sue a black hole or a galaxy. The veteran judge also pointed out that the galaxy in which Powehi resides is roughly 13.24 billion-years-old, thus preceding the album art design by over 13 billion years. According to witnesses in the court room, this was the moment when Gordon's face went white—presumably out of concern for a potential counter suit.

Sources close to the band say Gordon has plans to sue NASA, but likely does not have the finances needed to do so. There are rumors of a potential GoFundMe campaign, however, Orgy does not have a good track record of successfully crowd sourcing funds.

When reached for comment, NASA hung up.

April 2, 2019

DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo


No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessoriesto teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.


March 30, 2019

Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet


LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

January 16, 2019

Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross to Score All of Television, Cinema


As of today, celebrated industrial rock veteran, Trent Reznor, and his esteemed writing partner, Atticus Ross, have taken over scoring duties for all watchable media for the foreseeable future.

"After Bird Box got so huge, it was really the only option at that point," the jovial, oft-grumpy Reznor said.

Since their Oscar-winning breakout score to The Social Network, the duo have been in high demand. The harrowing keys set the backdrop of fellow loner and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, garnering many accolades and new opportunities. After that, they scored 73 more forgettable films and tv shows and local news intros and now, everything.

"It's really not that complicated, there's just this one chord, and it goes to the satellite and... (I have to apologize, but I got lost in the technicalities for two hours)... and with my new job at Apple, they just said we could do them all now," Reznor said as Atticus nodded or napped.

The general public has found that the mix of dissonant plinky keyboards and reverbed synth swells fits nicely into whatever new show they are binge-watching to sporting events to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. C-SPAN ratings are reportedly at an all-time high.

They even decided to incorporate one of Nine Inch Nails previous guitar players, who had fallen on hard times.

"I saw a homeless man the other day, belting out in a beautifully painful eruption of grief, so I sent Atts to go do a field recording to use for whatever sad war thing Ken Burns has coming out. Apparently the homeless guy was Aaron North, so we will credit him for that time coming up in the future."

"Looks like his life went more Aaron South," Ross deadpanned.

So what is next for this duo? Video games.

"We are looking to get into a way of scoring all the video games too, but fear we might get sucked into playing them and not accomplish anything for a few years," Reznor said wistfully.

Written by Chris Stienstra

December 20, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Mattis Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

On Thursday, December 20, Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitted a letter of resignation to President Donald Trump. “Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects,” he wrote, “I believe it is right for me to step down from my position.” The full text of the letter is reproduced below.


Dear Mr. President:

I have been privileged to serve as our country’s 26th Secretary of Defense which has allowed me to serve alongside our men and women of the Department in defense of our citizens and our ideals.

I am proud of the progress that has been made over the past two years on some of the key goals articulated in our National Defense Strategy: putting the Department on a more sound budgetary footing, improving readiness and lethality in our forces, and reforming the Department’s business practices for greater performance. Our troops continue to provide the capabilities needed to prevail in conflict and sustain strong US global influence.

One core belief I have always held is that our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances and partnerships. While the US remains the indispensable nation in the free world, we cannot protect our interests or serve that role effectively without maintaining strong alliances and showing respect to those allies. Like you, I have said from the beginning that the armed forces of the United States should not be the policeman of the world. Instead, we must use all tools of American power to provide for the common defense, including providing effective leadership to our alliances. NATO’s 29 democracies demonstrated that strength in their commitment to fighting alongside us following the 9-11 attack on America. The Defeat-ISIS coalition of 74 nations is further proof.

Similarly, I believe we must be resolute and unambiguous in our approach to those countries whose strategic interests are increasingly in tension with ours. It is clear that China and Russia, for example, want to shape a world consistent with their authoritarian model—gaining veto authority over other nations’ economic, diplomatic, and security decisions—to promote their own interests at the expense of their neighbors, America and our allies. That is why we must use all the tools of American power to provide for the common defense.

My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues. We must do everything possible to advance an international order that is most conducive to our security, prosperity and values, and we are strengthened in this effort by the solidarity of our alliances.

Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects, I believe it is right for me to step down from my position. The end date for my tenure is February 28, 2019, a date that should allow sufficient time for a successor to be nominated and confirmed as well as to make sure the Department’s interests are properly articulated and protected at upcoming events to include Congressional posture hearings and the NATO Defense Ministerial meeting in February. Further, that a full transition to a new Secretary of Defense occurs well in advance of the transition of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in September in order to ensure stability within the Department.

I pledge my full effort to a smooth transition that ensures the needs and interests of the 2.15 million Service Members and 732,079 DoD civilians receive undistracted attention of the Department at all times so that they can fulfill their critical, round-the-clock mission to protect the American people.

I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform.

James N. Mattis



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