Everyone in Office Just Ignoring Velociraptor at Reception Desk

CHICAGO, IL—Though it continues to screech incessantly, everyone in the office is pretending not to notice the velociraptor at the reception desk.

The episode began when Lisa the Receptionist took the day off to visit family in Springfield. At 10:24 AM, a fully grown velociraptor from the Cretaceous period walked into the office and approached the vacant reception desk. While nearly every employee in the office is well-aware of the dinosaur's presence, no one has stepped up to handle the situation.

"I’m not dealing with that," said marketing assistant, Derek Kirkland. "I have actual work to get done; I don’t have time to play receptionist."

As of press time, the velociraptor had made its way into the office space, and a few employees have smiled at it while walking by.

This story originally appeared on The Spoon Feed.

Republished with permission.

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Girl Smoking Outside Club Seemingly Compelled to Show, Explain Every Tattoo

As you step out of the club for a break from the pulsating blasts of EBM/Aggrotech/Neo-Folk Swingcore, you notice a girl smoking alone. She sees you glance at her tattooed arm and strikes up a conversation by complimenting yours. You thank her and start to criticize it as if you were your father and the bad tattoo on your arm represents every single one of your life choices, but before you can even get out the word "shading," she pulls up her sleeve and starts talking over you. OK, then. That's fine though, because you weren't really sure how you were going to end your sentence. After 10 years, you still haven't come up with anything you care enough about with which to cover said tattoo.

She tells you that she got her first tattoo when she was 18, and she’s been adding more and more ever since. She explains that each tattoo has a special meaning for her. The rose on her wrist is for her grandmother, who was always telling her to “stop and smell the roses.” The anchor on her bicep is for her grandfather, who was a sailor "in the marines." And the bird on her shoulder is for her best friend, who died tragically two years ago. Uh huh. Also the skulls represent something asinine, the pot leaf is self explanatory, and she just really likes Rick and Morty.

Every time you think she won't possibly lift her shirt any higher, she does. Why is this happening?

As she continues droning on and on, you can’t help but wonder if she's on drugs or just like this. Because if she has drugs, you might be willing to keep nodding along to this for a bit longer. Not too long though, or you run the risk of missing the headliner and ending up in a 6 year relationship you're ambivalent about with no idea how you let it get that far.

Suddenly, the door swings open, bringing a moment of intelligibility to the dull thumping that has up to this point been the soundtrack to your new hell. You're 80% sure it's the bassist of the opening band. They were just OK, but you needlessly overstate your appreciation for their set. Why do you always do that? Oh, thank God it is him; that would have been awkward.

"Thanks, this is actually our first show in a couple years," he says.

Now he's telling you about every single band they've ever opened for and trying to recall the exact dates and names of the tours. Awesome. Quick, pretend to get a phone call.

"Sorry, I've gotta take this," you say as you walk back into the loud venue, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

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Taco Bell Introduces New Goth Wrap Supreme

In a bold move to capture the hearts and stomachs of the goth community, Taco Bell has introduced its latest menu item: the Goth Wrap Supreme.

According to the fast-food chain's press release, the Goth Wrap Supreme is a "dark and delicious" take on their classic wrap, filled with black beans, black rice, blackened chicken, and a special "goth sauce" made from crushed black garlic and squid ink.

"We're thrilled to bring this edgy new flavor profile to our customers," said a Taco Bell spokesperson. "We know the goth community has been clamoring for more representation in fast food, and we're happy to oblige."

The announcement has sparked mixed reactions online, with some praising Taco Bell for catering to a previously underserved market, while others are calling the move "cringey" and "blatant pandering."

One Twitter user wrote, "As a goth, I appreciate the effort, but I think I'll stick to my black coffee and cigarettes."

Another commented, "Nice try, but the best goth meal is still Count Chocula."

Despite the criticism, Taco Bell says they're confident the Goth Wrap Supreme will be a hit with their customers.

"We're always looking for ways to innovate and stay ahead of the curve," said the spokesperson. "And if that means embracing the darker side of fast food, then so be it."

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Five Ways to Improve Intimacy with Your Partner (Besides Sharing Needles)

It's not uncommon for couples to feel they're struggling with intimacy. Whether it's due to a lack of communication, different expectations, or just a general feeling of disconnection, there are a few things you can do to help improve the situation besides sharing needles. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Talk about your fantasies. What turns you on? What are your secret desires? Talking about these things could help to bring you closer together and make sex even more enjoyable if either of you weren't so strung out that your sex drive was completely gone.

2. Express gratitude. Did your partner go out of their way to cop in a different neighborhood? Did they pay the dopeman with something other than money? Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate the things they do to keep you both high.

3. Be present. Instead of letting your mind wander, focus on the present moment and enjoy the sensations of your body. This can help you to achieve a more intense level of intimacy as you both nod out together.

4. Communicate. If something isn't working for you, or you’re not enjoying yourself, speak up. Good communication is essential to finding a new plug if the latest batch from your current supplier is weak.

5. Experiment. Be willing to try new things together. Try doing speedballs. Maybe you prefer morphine. Change things up by using a different vein.

By trying out these different techniques, you can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship without doing anything reckless and unhealthy.

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Aggressive Shrugging at Sound Guy Feels Proactive to Guitarist

DALLAS, TX—In what can only be described as a bizarre display of incompetence, a guitarist at a recent live performance left audience members scratching their heads after they spent much of their time on stage aggressively shrugging and staring at the sound guy in frustration.

The guitarist of Mechanical Zebra Carcass was visibly unhappy with the sound during their set and inexplicably decided to try and solve the issue by using non-verbal communication. However, their attempts were met with confusion from both the audience and the sound guy.

At one point during the performance, the guitarist even went as far as silently mouthing the words, "What the fuck?", which did nothing to help the situation. It was clear to everyone except the guitarist that their actions were not helpful in any way.

Despite the confusion, the show went on, and the audience was left wondering if the guitarist had ever learned the basic communication skills necessary for a successful live performance or just existence in society in general.

One audience member, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "It was really frustrating to watch. You could tell something was wrong, but no one knew what it was. At one point toward the end of the show, the guitar did just cut out entirely, but that might've just been the sound guy fucking with them for being a jackass."

Another attendee added, "Is it like a rule that you can't talk to the sound guy? Is it not allowed? That was so dumb."

In the end, the overall performance was great, and nothing was noticeably wrong aside from the few times the guitarist stopped playing to shrug or pace the stage in frustration. The guitarist's total lack of serious attempt to fix the sound issue was what ultimately hurt the show. Hopefully, this incident will serve as a lesson for other musicians on the importance of clear communication with their sound crew. Or for literally anyone in any situation in which they'd like someone to do something differently.

Headline by Eli Vance of Antonym

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Twitter Infrastructure 'Stronger Than Ever' Says Sole Intern Left in Charge of Servers

SACRAMENTO, CA—When Twitter first started in 2006, it was a simple platform for sharing 140-character messages. Now, more than a decade later, it’s a global phenomenon with over 320 million active users. It’s also my job. As the last intern left in charge of Twitter’s servers, I’ve been tasked with keeping the site up and running.

I’m not an engineer or a programmer. I’m just a college kid who got lucky enough to land an internship at one of the hottest tech companies in the world. When my supervisor told me I would be responsible for keeping the Twitter servers online, I didn’t know how to respond. I’m honestly not even qualified for the job I had before this. I excused myself to have a quick panic attack in the bathroom, and when I came back to ask how long I'd have to do this for, my supervisor's office had been completely cleared out.

I don't necessary know how to "fix" a server when it goes down, but this guy who used to work here once showed me how you can just unplug it and then run this powershell script that, like, his old boss or someone wrote where it just, like, tells Twitter it's OK and to just not use that server anymore. It sounded a little sketchy at first, but I've been doing it now like two or five times a day for the past week, and everything's still running perfectly.

So there's really no need to worry. Twitter's infrastructure is stronger than ever.

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Unhinged Health Tips: Keep Your Stomach as Flat as the Earth

If you're looking for ways to keep your stomach flat—like the Earth—you may have to make some changes to your lifestyle. The first thing you'll want to do is order 12 bottles of each kind of Alex Jones's InfoWars supplements and take them every two to nine minutes. Next, you'll need to revamp your diet. Make sure to eat lots of dirt and hair. Try to find a local barber shop willing to give away their hair trimmings. It may be difficult. They will usually claim to be unaware of how valuable it is but still refuse to give it up, ask you to leave, and threaten to call the police. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2); it's the sequel to water. Finally, avoid eating late at night or close to bedtime, as this can lead to heartburn and indigestion or turn you into a gremlin if your clock is wrong. You may have Mogwai DNA without realizing it—they toured extensively in the 1990s and 2000s. Your dad may not be your dad, and not just because he was replaced by a robot.

Getting proper exercise is also key. You don't need a gym membership or fancy equipment to get a good workout. There are plenty of exercises you can do right at home using everyday items. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use a milk jug filled with the urine you've been saving as a dumbbell. Start with one that's not too heavy, then work your way up as you get stronger.

2. Fill up a laundry basket or backpack with the books that you were going to burn anyway now that you know they are full of lies and contain strings of keywords that may activate your implants if you were to read them, and use it as a weight for squats, lunges, and other strength-training exercises.

3. Get in some cardio by running up and down the street while loudly informing everyone that they, too, are being watched.

6. As you're removing all electronics from your home because they contain listening devices, see how far out into your yard you can throw them.

4. Focus on resistance training. You'll need to be part of it when the New World Order takes over.

A healthy diet and exercise routine is important for everyone who is not a Lizard Person. By following these tips, you can help yourself stay in shape and improve your overall health.

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KMFDM Has New Album Out, Probably

The industrial community is possibly buzzing with the news that another KMFDM album was released recently, maybe.

The longstanding act, founded by Sascha Konietzko in 1984, and featuring a diverse and revolving-door lineup of musicians over the past three decades, supposedly split after the release of Adios in 1999, after which Konietzko revived the KMFDM brand with Attak in 2002 (though attempts to validate this proved inconclusive).

While fans wonder, perhaps, what the latest incarnation of KMFDM will hold for semi-expectant eardrums, Riveting News made a call to Digital Underground in Philadelphia to see if they had the band’s latest album in stock.

"I checked the CD and vinyl racks," DU owner Joe Scott told RN. "The new album is either the one with the five-character name, or the multisyllabic nonsense word nobody can pronounce."

"In any case," Scott added, "I'm about fifty-percent sure we have it."

Written by Jonny Numb

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