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July 16, 2021

Band With Two Fans Begs For $5,000 in Crowdfunding Campaign


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass is once again making headlines within the goth and industrial scene. This time the band has asked for, and I quote, a "pitiful" amount of money to press their new album Industrial Sucks.

"We're pushing boundaries in the industrial scene," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group, "No one else can release as good an album as we can! We pirated and cracked a DAW, and now we're making waves."

The waves they so fondly proclaim to be making has netted them less than one-hundred views on YouTube and Spotify combined. Their social media pages are particularly sad to look at considering no one in the scene interacts with them.

"We've been squashed and censored by social media algorithms," claimed Maclaver, "Even though we see other bands utilizing hard work and friendly promotion to lift both themselves and their fellow peers, that's not what we're doing."

In fact, what Maclaver has stated is more than truthful. Rather than attempting to build a strong connection with those around them, Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been begging people for money to get their new album pressed.

"Yeah, we could get jobs and work a few hours during the week and save up the money to press the release ourselves, but my mom and dad have already said they would support me if I brought Industrial Sucks to Kickstarter. So, I mean, that's already two people for a five-thousand dollar goal. Plus, if I pester enough people in the scene about this, we'll definitely be loved and well liked," stated Maclaver.

As of right now, only one person has supported their crowdfunding campaign with five dollars. The message from the donor reads, "Get a fucking job and get the fuck out of our basement."

The duo behind the music has made headlines in the past for ranting and raving about sites not reviewing their album, trying to make the world's shittiest music video, as well as for accidentally building a deck while using power tool on stage. Who knows what else this wonky band will get up to.

January 20, 2021

Musicians Mourn Loss of Muse



WASHINGTON, DC—The age of the Angry Donald Trump Song has (hopefully) come to an end. It's been a wild, unoriginal ride, but all mediocre things must come to an end. Today, let us look forward to a new era of dull, angsty songs from bands like And OneTraptKid Rock, and is Ted Nugent still alive?

Trump Pardons Trapt For Being Total Dildos



WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

The lame duck President has seemingly moved on to the nu metal scene and granted a pardon to Trapt, whose frontman, Chris Taylor Brown, has been making waves with his social media dickery. According to Trump, Brown and his band can now, "...be back on Twitter and the Facebook effective immediately." There is no word on whether anyone has explained to Trump that that's not how any of this works.

Trump Pardons Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin, William Control Before Leaving Office


WASHINGTON, DC—Outgoing U.S. President Donald Trump is expected to use his last day as president offering clemency to dozens of people. The list is said to be in the hundreds and features friends, relatives, loyalists, rappers, and possibly even the Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic. As of this morning, Trump has already pardoned a few notable figures in the industrial/goth/hot topic dance scene.

Sin Quirin of Ministry, Dahvie Vanity of Blood on the Dancefloor, and William Control of whoever he is are all said to be alleged predators of underage girls. Trump's disdain for "Cancel Culture" has led him to "pardon" these men of their "crimes." When informed that none of them have been charged or convicted of anything, Trump insisted that he add them to the list.

There has been no word yet on whether And One will be pardoned for being a crazy, Qanon Twitter nut. This article will be updated as more details are released.

December 21, 2020

'90s Cartoon Aunt May Rumored to Return for Spider-Man 3


HOLLYWOOD, CA—A third MCU Spider-Man film is in the works, and the internet can't stop speculating about its cast. Over the last few months, there's been a whirlwind of rumors surrounding a multitude of characters and actors from past iterations of the Spider-Man franchise coming back in the next film. Until now, the conversation was limited to the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield movies.

Inside sources have said that producers have been looking back ever further. One anonymous source claims that Kevin Feige has reached out to the cartoon Aunt May from 1994's Spider-Man the animated series which ran on Fox Kids for 5 seasons.

Cartoon Aunt May has not been involved in any projects since the series' cancellation in 1998, so her schedule is presumably wide open. Though much older than the version played by Marisa Tomei, Feige is reportedly confident that she will be able to reprise her role seeing as how cartoons are immortal and cannot die.



November 18, 2020

Goth Astrophysicist Leads Research on Dark Matter and Black Holes


CAMBRIDGE, MA—Black holes are some of the most extreme objects in the Universe: the only locations where there's so much energy in a tiny volume of space that an event horizon gets created. Everything that falls past that is forever doomed, simply adding to the black hole's gravitational pull. But what does that mean for dark matter?

Dr. Joshua "Ravenblood" Hanson is an astrophysicist and lecturer at M.I.T. has dedicated his life to answering that question. From outside a black hole, scientists have no way to gain information about what it was initially composed of, but by studying its mass, electric charge, and angular momentum (or intrinsic rotational spin), Hanson is confident its composition and thus interaction with dark matter can be quantified.

"Dark matter has no color charge, baryon number, lepton number, lepton family number, etc. I call it 'Goth Matter.' I also call black holes 'Goth Holes' because they form from the deaths of supermassive stars—which is of course normal, baryonic matter—the initial composition of a newly-formed black hole is always approximately 100% normal matter and 0% dark matter. Even though there's no definitive way to tell what black holes are made of from the outside alone, we've witnessed the direct formation of a black hole from a progenitor star; no dark matter was involved," explained Dr. Hanson as my eyes glazed over and I started trying to remember how many Lilo & Stitch sequels there are. (There are three, plus a television series.)

This went on for 15 minutes. He used a bunch of big sciencey words that very well could have been sci-fi nonsense for all I know. I was hardly listening, but I swear to God he said "Stargate" at one point. Suffice it to say, he's a huge nerd.

November 7, 2020

Biden White House Plans Include Finding Weed He Stashed in 2016


WASHINGTON, DC—Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been elected as the 46th President of the United States, and he has some unfinished business to attend to.

It seems Joe Biden put the "vice" in Vice President during his time in the Obama administration. According to former White House staff, he would regularly stash his weed in various hiding places, and then get so high that he would forget where it was.

"On more than one occasion, I was instructed to search for Mr. Biden's lost marijuana," said one former staffer who spoke under condition of anonymity.

"Quite often, he would just leave it in the back of the medicine cabinet. The thing is, there are 35 bathrooms in the White House."

The Secret Service reportedly kept a running list of the various locations in which marijuana had been found, presumably to expedite future searches. Common hiding spots include: inside coffee cans, the crisper drawer of two of three refrigerators, behind George W. Bush's presidential portrait, and the inside jacket pocket of Obama's brown suit he vowed never to wear again.

According to one inside source, Biden is relatively sure he left a joint inside a hollowed out copy of Donald J. Trump's "The Art of the Deal," but can't remember if he left it on a shelf in the library or shoved behind a toilet. Either way, he seems relatively certain that Trump would not have found anything inside a book.

Starting January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will officially put the "Chief" in "Commander in Chief."

October 2, 2020

WATCH: Donald Trump Praises Riveting News from Hospital, Slams Brutal Resonance



WASHINGTON, DC—Though he faces serious health concerns due to the novel coronavirus, President Trump has been vigorously sharing his unprompted opinions on random subjects with any and all hospital staff within earshot.

While being treated for COVID-19 with his wife Melania, Trump weighed in on the industrial scene's top two news sites, Riveting News and Brutal Resonance.  Though unexpected, what he had to say was not surprising considering some of the questionable reporting the latter publication has done in recent years. Special thanks to Austin Nasso for this exclusive footage.



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