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Morrissey Charging Extra for Non Meet & Greet Tickets

Morrissey, the iconic frontman of The Smiths and a solo artist in his own right, is once again making headlines, and once again it's not for his music. The latest controversy surrounding the singer involves the pricing structure for his upcoming tour, which includes an extra charge for fans who opt out of the meet & greet experience. No official reason has been provided, but it should be obvious.

For years, Morrissey has been dogged by accusations of being difficult, arrogant, and abrasive, both in his public statements and personal interactions. From controversial remarks to clashes with fellow musicians, the singer has cultivated a reputation for being anything but easygoing. And now, it seems, fans are being asked to pay extra to avoid an encounter with the notoriously prickly performer.

The decision to charge more for non meet & greet tickets has sparked outrage among fans and critics alike. Many argue that it's unfair to penalize fans who simply want to enjoy Morrissey's music without the added stress of interacting with him. After all, shouldn't the price of admission cover the concert experience itself, rather than a forced interaction with the artist?

Some fans have taken to social media to express their frustration, with many vowing to boycott the tour altogether. They see the additional fee as a cash grab, exploiting Morrissey's negative persona for financial gain. Others have criticized the singer for failing to recognize the impact of his behavior on his fans, instead choosing to monetize it.

In response to the backlash, Morrissey's camp has remained relatively quiet, offering little explanation for the pricing decision. However, the controversy has once again brought into question the delicate balance between artistry and personality in the world of music.

While some argue that Morrissey's reputation as an obnoxious person justifies the extra charge for non meet & greet tickets, others see it as a cynical ploy to squeeze more money out of fans. Regardless of where one stands on the issue, it's clear that Morrissey's persona continues to be a source of fascination and frustration for fans around the world.

As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: Morrissey's latest tour is shaping up to be just as controversial as the man himself. Whether the extra charge for non meet & greet tickets will ultimately impact ticket sales or the singer's reputation remains to be seen.

Band Without Gear Starts Fraudulent 'Stolen Gear' GoFundMe to Pay for Gear

WINONA, MN—In the age of crowdfunding, musicians often turn to platforms like GoFundMe to finance their projects, tours, or even recover from unforeseen disasters. It's a great platform to help communities come together and support those in need. However, a recent incident involving a band claiming to have had their touring gear stolen has sparked controversy and raised questions about the transparency and integrity of such campaigns.

The goth industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass recently launched a GoFundMe campaign with an all too familiar, heartfelt plea for help. They claimed that while on tour, their van was broken into, and all of their expensive music equipment was stolen. The emotional appeal struck a chord with supporters, who generously donated thousands of dollars to help the band recover from a huge loss that was said to include a drum set, vintage synthesizers, and a fog machine.

However, suspicions arose when fans noticed inconsistencies in the band's story. Some eagle-eyed supporters pointed out that in previous social media posts and live performances, the band was never seen using some of the gear they claimed was stolen. Photos surfaced online showing rental stickers on the various power tools the band was notorious for using on stage. A local promoter claims that there is no record of the band having booked any shows at the time of the supposed theft. Others noted that while the band posted pictures of their alleged stolen equipment, which is common practice among musicians seeking help after such incidents, the photos appeared to be merely screenshots from an Amazon Wishlist. Even the lead singer's father posted on social media that none of the band members had a valid driver's license or even owned a car, much less a van. He also pointed out the band's troubled history with crowdfunding.

As doubts grew, investigations were launched, and it was eventually revealed that Mechanical Zebra Carcass had never owned the touring gear they claimed was stolen. In fact, the band had concocted the entire story as a ploy to raise money to buy equipment for the first time.

The revelation sparked outrage among fans who felt deceived and betrayed by the band they once supported. Many demanded refunds, while others called for the band to be held accountable for their actions. The GoFundMe campaign was swiftly shut down, and the band issued a public apology acknowledging their wrongdoing and promising to refund all donations.

Though their reputation may have been tarnished, it wasn't too late for Mechanical Zebra Carcass to make amends. By owning up to their dumb mistake, issuing refunds, donating to a charity that provides musical instruments to low-income schools, and demonstrating a commitment to transparency moving forward, they were able to rebuild the trust they lost and regain the support of their fans.

Although some members of Mechanical Zebra Carcass have exhibited annoying behaviors in the past, it has not gone unnoticed that throughout this period of increased scrutiny, not one of the band members has been accused of even a single instance of racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct, or being an alt-right, anti-trans wacko who's been lying to everyone about their core values. The industrial scene has agreed to give Mechanical Zebra Carcass a mulligan and forget the whole thing. It's amazing what taking responsibility, showing remorse, and choosing to do better can accomplish.

Dead Animal Assembly Plant Launches Build-A-Bear Workshop Franchise

UPDATE: Build-A-Bear Workshop, Inc. has filed an injunction against Dead Animal Assembly Plant stating they "never approved these ghastly changes to store operations."

Stirring both fascination and controversy, the renowned industrial band Dead Animal Assembly Plant has ventured into an unexpected business realm by opening its very own Build-A-Bear Workshop store. However, unlike the traditional fluffy and cuddly creations, this establishment offers a rather macabre twist: customers can utilize parts of deceased animals to construct their own customized dead animals.

The band, known for its dark and provocative themes, aims to provide enthusiasts of the macabre with an outlet to express their artistic inclinations in a truly unique way. The store's concept merges elements of taxidermy with the interactive experience of creating a personalized stuffed animal.

"We wanted to create an immersive experience that reflects the ethos of our music and artistic vision," explained the band's frontman, Zach Wager. "Our Build-A-Bear Workshop offers a platform for individuals to explore their fascination with the darker side of life while engaging in a hands-on, creative process."

Upon entering the store, patrons are greeted by a chilling ambiance, complete with dim lighting and eerie music playing softly in the background. The shelves are adorned with an array of animal parts, ranging from preserved hides and bones to feathers and claws, sourced ethically and legally.

Customers are guided through the workshop by staff members, affectionately referred to as "Undertakers," who assist them in selecting their desired components and assembling their creations. The customization options are extensive, allowing for the creation of a wide variety of morbid masterpieces, from traditional taxidermy-style animals to surreal and fantastical hybrids.

Despite the innovative nature of the concept, the store's opening has sparked debate among animal rights activists and members of the public alike. Some argue that it promotes a disrespectful and exploitative attitude towards deceased animals, while others defend it as a form of artistic expression and a celebration of individuality.

"We understand that our concept may not be for everyone, and we respect differing viewpoints," stated Wager. "However, we believe in the importance of pushing boundaries and challenging societal norms through art. Our Build-A-Bear Workshop provides a platform for people to engage with taboo subjects in a safe and controlled environment."

As the controversy surrounding Dead Animal Assembly Plant's Build-A-Bear Workshop continues to unfold, one thing remains certain: the band's foray into the world of unconventional entrepreneurship has undoubtedly left a lasting impression on both fans and critics alike.

Dead Animal Assembly Plant is now on tour!

Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."

INCREDIBLY GRIPPING TELEVISION.

I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.

Mall Santa Confesses to Being One True Santa, 14 Murders

CHESTNUT GROVE, NC—A beloved mall Santa has left a community awestruck by revealing a closely guarded secret: He is the one true Santa Claus and committed a string of grisly murders in 1971. What began as a whimsical tale turned into a holiday miracle and then a horrifying tale when an independent investigation supported his extraordinary claim.

The announcement came during a routine visit from children eager to share their Christmas wishes with Santa. With a twinkle in his eye and a hushed, somewhat creepy tone, the mall Santa confessed, "I just can't bear to keep it a secret any longer; I am the real Santa Claus. I am also the Kringle Killer." The revelation, initially met with a mix of nervous laughter and disbelief, soon became the talk of the town.

Local news outlets and curious residents scrambled to uncover the truth behind the mall Santa's extraordinary assertion. A team of independent investigators, led by renowned mythologist Dr. Emily Harris and Agent Bill Miller of the FBI, embarked on a mission to verify the authenticity of this festive yet sickening bombshell.

After weeks of meticulous research, the investigators uncovered a trail of historical records, eyewitness accounts, unexplained phenomena, and mitochondrial DNA that linked to the mall Santa's past. Dr. Harris, visibly astonished by her findings, declared, "The evidence is overwhelming. This man, who has brought joy to countless children over the years, is indeed the real Santa Claus." Added Agent Miller, "It would also appear that he brutally murdered over a dozen people."

The records revealed a pattern of inexplicable events surrounding the mall Santa, such as time-defying travel patterns and firsthand testimonies from individuals who claimed to have witnessed both magical and violent occurrences. Dr. Harris emphasized that the evidence was consistent with centuries-old legends surrounding Santa Claus. Agent Miller stated that DNA evidence collected with the help of Interpol has linked the man to multiple unsolved fatal stabbings involving a sharpened candy cane. The stabbings all occurred during an 8 hour window spreading across the globe, none of which had been previously linked to the others by any law enforcement agencies. An internet urban legend, however, has for years claimed that four murders in the Baltic region were committed by one perpetrator dubbed The Kringle Killer.

As the news spread throughout Chestnut Grove and beyond, the town's residents found themselves at the center of a holiday fairy tale and horror story. Families marveled at the realization that their local mall Santa had been the real deal all along as well as a dangerous psychopath, embodying the spirit of Christmas in ways they never imagined.

In a press conference, Agent Miller read a statement from the now-confirmed Santa Claus/Kringle Killer in which he addressed the community, expressing gratitude for their continued belief in the magic of Christmas. "I've been honored to bring joy to this community and beyond. Your belief in the spirit of Christmas has made my journey all the more magical, and I am deeply ashamed of my actions that night in 1971."

As the holiday season reaches its peak, Chestnut Grove finds itself forever etched in the annals of Christmas lore, having hosted the real Santa Claus and simultaneously a brutal spree killer their local mall. The enchanting yet horrifying revelation has both rekindled the magic of the season and brought closure to the families of the deceased while leaving residents of a small town with a newfound sense of wonder and terror.


Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime


The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.

Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns as cream filled long johns. Do you know how devastating an experience that is? It's a God damn travesty that will ruin your entire day. It's upsetting to the point that I've started breaking them in half before I buy them. This practice has saved me from further heartache twice already. And you've no idea how hard it is to not throw half an actually not cream filled donut at the nearest sky blue shirt and scream.

Some or maybe all of you might be thinking, "Relax, it's just a donut, and maybe stop eating so many donuts."

And to that I say, "No."

The issue is not as simple as just not getting the item you paid for. Eating a cream filled long john is a very specific experience: First you bite into one end—unless you're a complete psychopath, then maybe you eat your long johns like corn on the cob; I don't know. For whatever reason, I started writing this in second person, and I believe in consistency (unlike some gas stations). So, you start eating your donut and you're (probably) not a psycho, so the first couple bites are plain donut. That's normal. But, oh, you know it's coming. Soon you'll get to taste that rich cream. No, that's 100% your own brain making this weird, so just stop it; I'm trying to tell a story.

The anticipation is part of the experience. You don't actually know on which bite you will finally get to the cream, but you know and trust that eventually you will. When you finally do, you take note of how soon or late you got to the cream, and in that instant, in some small way, you relive every other cream filled long john you've ever eaten. And now, as you're into the cream bites, you know they will end soon, and you'll be left with regular donut once again. This is a sad reality you accept, and it makes you appreciate every cream filled bite so much more. Or maybe you're a fucking wild man, and as soon as you hit cream, you flip that sucker around and start from the other end so you can end on cream. I'm not judging. That's a life of decadence few dare to live, so you fuckin' go for it.

Eating a cream filled long john is a delicious roller coaster. Now imagine you're on a roller coaster that never reaches the top of that first suspenseful incline; it just keeps going. That's what happens when some total dick head puts a regular long john on the cream filled long john tray. On bite three, you're like, "Aw, damn. Probably not much in this one. I hope it's just off center and goes all the way to the end," because you're still excited and full of hope. Bite four, it's starting to hit you: the possibility that life is not what you thought—not what you were promised. You half know you're full of shit when you think to yourself, "Maybe there's at least a little at the end."

Then you take your fifth bite of the very obviously just a regular fucking donut that some asshole put on the cream filled tray. You realize that you've just eaten most of a perfectly good regular donut, but you didn't get to appreciate it for what it was, because you thought it was something else. And that's what's so truly heinous about this whole thing. Not only do you not get to enjoy the donut you wanted, but now you didn't get to enjoy the donut you had. God, that's fucking dark. I haven't seen the new Saw movie yet, but I guarantee you none of the traps are that fucked up. So now here you are with a few bites left of a completely normal donut you don't even want but could have wanted. Do you eat the last few bites and try to enjoy them for what they are, or will you throw it away, disappointed in everything and everyone in the world around you? Live or die, make your choice.


How to Disguise Needing a Drummer for Your Band as a Christmas Gift for Your Kid


Are you struggling to find a drummer for your band? Do you want to surprise your child with a meaningful gift this Christmas? Why not disguise your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your kid? In just a few easy steps, you can fill the vacant role in your band.

Step 1: Talk to Your Child

Do they have any interest in music? First and foremost, you've got to make sure that your offspring has a desire to create music. Be sure to repeatedly express how fun and fulfilling it is to be in a band. Withholding affection from your child may encourage them to jump at the chance to join your band if it means feeling closer to you.

Step 2: Research Drum Sets

Research drum sets and decide on a budget that works for you. Consider the level of skill you're looking for in a drummer and the type of music you want to play. Look for beginner sets that are the right size for your child.

Step 3: Buy the Drum Set

Purchase the drum set and wrap it up as a Christmas gift for your child. Make sure to emphasize how excited you are to see them play and how proud you are of their musical talent.

Step 4: Plan a Jam Session

After your child has opened their gift, plan a jam session with them. Set up the drum set and play some music together. This is a great opportunity to show your child some of that affection you've been withholding until this point. Let them know how proud you are of their excitement for music. This should instill in them a desire to bond with you over your shared passion.

Step 5: Mention Your Band

As you're jamming, casually mention your band and how you've been having trouble finding a drummer. Ask your child if they know anyone who might be interested in playing with you. This conversation should feel natural and not like you're forcing them into anything. If the aforementioned emotional blackmail had been executed correctly, they will jump at the chance to become your new drummer and even believe it was their idea.

Conclusion:

Disguising your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your child can be a creative and thoughtful solution to a common problem for bands. It's a win-win situation for both you and your child, as you get to fulfill your musical dreams, and your child gets a new instrument to play with while getting the approval they crave.

Artoffact Records Signs Industrial Supergroup: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin


In a bold move that promises to reshape the landscape of industrial music, Artoffact Records has officially signed a powerhouse collaboration comprising four pedophiles: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin. The announcement of the new group, Pred8turs, has sent shockwaves through the industrial scene.

Mr. Kitty: A Pioneer in Synthwave Mastery

Renowned for his mastery in the synthwave genre, Mr.Kitty brings a wealth of electronic expertise to the collaboration. With a discography that has garnered a dedicated global following, his atmospheric and emotive soundscapes are expected to add a distinctive layer to the group's sonic palette. This will be be first foray back into the music scene since 2021, when it was revealed that he had knowingly traded sexually explicit photos and videos with a 15-year-old boy.

Mangadrive: Pushing the Boundaries of Cyberpunk Electronica

Mangadrive, a trailblazer in cyberpunk electronica, promises an infusion of futuristic beats and experimental sounds. The artist's ability to craft immersive, dystopian soundscapes is anticipated to provide a unique flavor to the industrial supergroup. Though Bee Teknofiend is the least established of the quartet, he is also the only member of the group who can boast being a registered sex offender stemming from a 2018 child pornography arrest.

Dahvie Vanity: Controversial Figure, Dynamic Performer

Known for his controversial presence in the music scene, Dahvie Vanity adds a dynamic and unpredictable element to the collaboration. With a history in the alternative and electronic scenes, his vocal prowess and stage charisma are poised to contribute a provocative edge to the group's collective identity. His pattern of grooming and sexually assaulting underage fans for over a decade is sure to make their first tour a memorable one.

Sin Quirin: Guitar Virtuosity in Industrial Metal

As the former guitarist for industrial metal giants Ministry, Sin Quirin brings a heavy, guitar-driven dimension to the supergroup. His experience in shaping the sonic landscapes of one of industrial music's pioneering bands ensures a solid foundation for the amalgamation of styles within the collaboration. Moreover, his ability to keep his sexual relationships with underage fans under wraps for most of his career could help ensure the band's longevity.

Artoffact Records: Profits Preempting Preteen Protection

Artoffact Records, known for its commitment to pushing musical boundaries and looking the other way, has once again positioned itself as a catalyst for innovation. By bringing together these diverse artists with a common predilection for sex with minors, the record label demonstrates a dedication to fostering creativity, pushing the evolution of industrial music into uncharted territory, and continuing to platform child sex abusers.

Anticipating the Unpredictable: What Lies Ahead

The fusion of Mr. Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin is bound to produce a sonic tapestry that defies legal conventions. Fans and critics alike are left to wonder about the unprecedented amalgamation of synthwave, cyberpunk electronica, alternative, and industrial metal. As the industrial supergroup sets out on this musical odyssey, the world watches with bated breath, eager to witness the birth of a new era in industrial music dominated by pedophiles.

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