Top Five Backhoes for Burying Dinosaur Bones According to The Devil

We recently sat down with The Dark Lord himself to find out which backhoes are the cream of the crop when it comes to planting evidence of prehistoric creatures in order to undermine the Truth of Creationism and turn souls away from God.

"Let's face it, burying dinosaur bones is a tricky business," said Satan. "At times, you may need a backhoe that can handle the weight and size of these massive bones—and do it without leaving any trace behind. Other times, you need something more precise to accurately place small fragments within the proper sedimentary layer."

So, without further ado, here are the Devil's top five backhoes for burying dinosaur bones:

Huddig 1370T Hybrid - "This beast of a machine can handle even the largest dinosaur bones with ease. Plus, its hybrid engine makes it environmentally friendly, which is important when you're also trying to dismantle the fossil fuel industry in order destroy society and usher in a New World Order."

Caterpillar 420F2 "The 420F2 is a true workhorse. Its powerful engine and large bucket mean you can move even the heaviest bones quickly and efficiently. Plus, it looks pretty intimidating, which is always a bonus."

John Deere 310SL - "This backhoe is all about precision. Its advanced controls and intelligent digging system mean you can excavate narrow tunnels with surgical precision, without disturbing the surrounding earth. Perfect for burying fossil fragments that will be combed over by heathen paleontologists who have unwittingly devoted their lives to my cause."

Komatsu WB93R - "This is a giant of a machine with a massive bucket. That means you can move huge amounts of dirt and bones in a single scoop, making the burial process faster and more efficient."

JCB 3CX - "Last but not least, we have the 3CX. This backhoe is a real work of art, with its sleek design and powerful engine. It's perfect for burying dinosaur bones in hard-to-reach places—like beneath mountains or in deep underground caves—lending credence to their natural discovery."

Lucifer's lengthy list is sure to spark controversy among scientists and paleontologists, who may be concerned about the potential loss of income and grants that could come from the general public learning that their life's work is all a farce to discredit the Word of God. The Prince of Lies, however, isn't worried.

"I've got these science worshipping liberals so brainwashed, no amount of evidence will stop them from denying the Bible. I could honestly call in sick everyday until Armageddon and still win the bet."

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Morrissey Charging Extra for Non Meet & Greet Tickets

Morrissey, the iconic frontman of The Smiths and a solo artist in his own right, is once again making headlines, and once again it's not for his music. The latest controversy surrounding the singer involves the pricing structure for his upcoming tour, which includes an extra charge for fans who opt out of the meet & greet experience. No official reason has been provided, but it should be obvious.

For years, Morrissey has been dogged by accusations of being difficult, arrogant, and abrasive, both in his public statements and personal interactions. From controversial remarks to clashes with fellow musicians, the singer has cultivated a reputation for being anything but easygoing. And now, it seems, fans are being asked to pay extra to avoid an encounter with the notoriously prickly performer.

The decision to charge more for non meet & greet tickets has sparked outrage among fans and critics alike. Many argue that it's unfair to penalize fans who simply want to enjoy Morrissey's music without the added stress of interacting with him. After all, shouldn't the price of admission cover the concert experience itself, rather than a forced interaction with the artist?

Some fans have taken to social media to express their frustration, with many vowing to boycott the tour altogether. They see the additional fee as a cash grab, exploiting Morrissey's negative persona for financial gain. Others have criticized the singer for failing to recognize the impact of his behavior on his fans, instead choosing to monetize it.

In response to the backlash, Morrissey's camp has remained relatively quiet, offering little explanation for the pricing decision. However, the controversy has once again brought into question the delicate balance between artistry and personality in the world of music.

While some argue that Morrissey's reputation as an obnoxious person justifies the extra charge for non meet & greet tickets, others see it as a cynical ploy to squeeze more money out of fans. Regardless of where one stands on the issue, it's clear that Morrissey's persona continues to be a source of fascination and frustration for fans around the world.

As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: Morrissey's latest tour is shaping up to be just as controversial as the man himself. Whether the extra charge for non meet & greet tickets will ultimately impact ticket sales or the singer's reputation remains to be seen.

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Band Without Gear Starts Fraudulent 'Stolen Gear' GoFundMe to Pay for Gear

WINONA, MN—In the age of crowdfunding, musicians often turn to platforms like GoFundMe to finance their projects, tours, or even recover from unforeseen disasters. It's a great platform to help communities come together and support those in need. However, a recent incident involving a band claiming to have had their touring gear stolen has sparked controversy and raised questions about the transparency and integrity of such campaigns.

The goth industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass recently launched a GoFundMe campaign with an all too familiar, heartfelt plea for help. They claimed that while on tour, their van was broken into, and all of their expensive music equipment was stolen. The emotional appeal struck a chord with supporters, who generously donated thousands of dollars to help the band recover from a huge loss that was said to include a drum set, vintage synthesizers, and a fog machine.

However, suspicions arose when fans noticed inconsistencies in the band's story. Some eagle-eyed supporters pointed out that in previous social media posts and live performances, the band was never seen using some of the gear they claimed was stolen. Photos surfaced online showing rental stickers on the various power tools the band was notorious for using on stage. A local promoter claims that there is no record of the band having booked any shows at the time of the supposed theft. Others noted that while the band posted pictures of their alleged stolen equipment, which is common practice among musicians seeking help after such incidents, the photos appeared to be merely screenshots from an Amazon Wishlist. Even the lead singer's father posted on social media that none of the band members had a valid driver's license or even owned a car, much less a van. He also pointed out the band's troubled history with crowdfunding.

As doubts grew, investigations were launched, and it was eventually revealed that Mechanical Zebra Carcass had never owned the touring gear they claimed was stolen. In fact, the band had concocted the entire story as a ploy to raise money to buy equipment for the first time.

The revelation sparked outrage among fans who felt deceived and betrayed by the band they once supported. Many demanded refunds, while others called for the band to be held accountable for their actions. The GoFundMe campaign was swiftly shut down, and the band issued a public apology acknowledging their wrongdoing and promising to refund all donations.

Though their reputation may have been tarnished, it wasn't too late for Mechanical Zebra Carcass to make amends. By owning up to their dumb mistake, issuing refunds, donating to a charity that provides musical instruments to low-income schools, and demonstrating a commitment to transparency moving forward, they were able to rebuild the trust they lost and regain the support of their fans.

Although some members of Mechanical Zebra Carcass have exhibited annoying behaviors in the past, it has not gone unnoticed that throughout this period of increased scrutiny, not one of the band members has been accused of even a single instance of racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct, or being an alt-right, anti-trans wacko who's been lying to everyone about their core values. The industrial scene has agreed to give Mechanical Zebra Carcass a mulligan and forget the whole thing. It's amazing what taking responsibility, showing remorse, and choosing to do better can accomplish.

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Dead Animal Assembly Plant Launches Build-A-Bear Workshop Franchise

UPDATE: Build-A-Bear Workshop, Inc. has filed an injunction against Dead Animal Assembly Plant stating they "never approved these ghastly changes to store operations."

Stirring both fascination and controversy, the renowned industrial band Dead Animal Assembly Plant has ventured into an unexpected business realm by opening its very own Build-A-Bear Workshop store. However, unlike the traditional fluffy and cuddly creations, this establishment offers a rather macabre twist: customers can utilize parts of deceased animals to construct their own customized dead animals.

The band, known for its dark and provocative themes, aims to provide enthusiasts of the macabre with an outlet to express their artistic inclinations in a truly unique way. The store's concept merges elements of taxidermy with the interactive experience of creating a personalized stuffed animal.

"We wanted to create an immersive experience that reflects the ethos of our music and artistic vision," explained the band's frontman, Zach Wager. "Our Build-A-Bear Workshop offers a platform for individuals to explore their fascination with the darker side of life while engaging in a hands-on, creative process."

Upon entering the store, patrons are greeted by a chilling ambiance, complete with dim lighting and eerie music playing softly in the background. The shelves are adorned with an array of animal parts, ranging from preserved hides and bones to feathers and claws, sourced ethically and legally.

Customers are guided through the workshop by staff members, affectionately referred to as "Undertakers," who assist them in selecting their desired components and assembling their creations. The customization options are extensive, allowing for the creation of a wide variety of morbid masterpieces, from traditional taxidermy-style animals to surreal and fantastical hybrids.

Despite the innovative nature of the concept, the store's opening has sparked debate among animal rights activists and members of the public alike. Some argue that it promotes a disrespectful and exploitative attitude towards deceased animals, while others defend it as a form of artistic expression and a celebration of individuality.

"We understand that our concept may not be for everyone, and we respect differing viewpoints," stated Wager. "However, we believe in the importance of pushing boundaries and challenging societal norms through art. Our Build-A-Bear Workshop provides a platform for people to engage with taboo subjects in a safe and controlled environment."

As the controversy surrounding Dead Animal Assembly Plant's Build-A-Bear Workshop continues to unfold, one thing remains certain: the band's foray into the world of unconventional entrepreneurship has undoubtedly left a lasting impression on both fans and critics alike.

Dead Animal Assembly Plant is now on tour!

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Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."

INCREDIBLY GRIPPING TELEVISION.

I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.

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