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UPDATE: Steven Archer of Ego Likeness, Stoneburner Replaces Stolen Hair with Mop


UPDATE: Since the theft of his hair by a crazed fan, Steven Archer has taken to wearing the head of a mop as a sort of "security blanket" as he copes with the loss of his identity. Fellow artists have started a betting pool on whether the hair can be recovered by authorities, or if he will be forced to grow it all back.

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BALTIMORE, MD—Steven Archer of Ego Likeness and Stoneburner was accosted by a thieving fan while performing at a local venue over the weekend.

Archer was slapping fives with fans between Ego Likeness' second and third song when one opportunistic concertgoer grabbed a fistful of the musician's luxurious locks. Before security could intervene, the rogue fan had produced an electric razor and removed the gorgeous mop from Archer's head.

Archer, though shocked and noticeably shaken, resumed his guitar playing for the remainder of the set. Halfway through the next song, a fedora was thrown on stage (presumably meant for Archer) which he angrily kicked back into the crowd.

After leaving the stage, Archer's wife, singer Donna Lynch, could be seen holding her distraught husband as he wept into her shoulder.

No arrests have been made, but witnesses say the thief was a wild-eyed bald man in his late 30s to early 40s wearing new glasses, Daisy Dukes, and a t-shirt that said "Blame Caustic."

Steven Archer of Ego Likeness, Stoneburner Robbed of Hair by Crazed Fan

Archer before the incident (left) and in a police photo taken as evidence (right).

BALTIMORE, MD—Steven Archer of Ego Likeness and Stoneburner was accosted by a thieving fan while performing at a local venue over the weekend.

Archer was slapping fives with fans between Ego Likeness' second and third song when one opportunistic concertgoer grabbed a fistful of the musician's luxurious locks. Before security could intervene, the rogue fan had produced an electric razor and removed the gorgeous mop from Archer's head.

Archer, though shocked and noticeably shaken, resumed his guitar playing for the remainder of the set. Halfway through the next song, a fedora was thrown on stage (presumably meant for Archer) which he angrily kicked back into the crowd.

After leaving the stage, Archer's wife, singer Donna Lynch, could be seen holding her distraught husband as he wept into her shoulder.

No arrests have been made, but witnesses say the thief was a wild-eyed bald man in his late 30s to early 40s wearing new glasses, Daisy Dukes, and a t-shirt that said "Blame Caustic."

Musician Takes Fan Response to Limited Edition Cassettes Literally


MADISON, WI—The frontman of Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at their merch table.

During a recent tour stop in the Dairy State, Scario Maclaver was working the merch table after his band's set when a man in his early thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented the singer on his performance. Upon thanking him, Maclaver promptly drew the man's attention to the limited edition cassette copies of the latest Mechanical Zebra Carcass album.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I really didn't even wanna do them, because who the fuck wants a cassette? Scar was adamant though that we have 'em pressed up. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl.' But yeah, this was the first time on the tour I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted the band's synth player Shavro Uticrus.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Jeremy Lane, 23, told us, "MZC is all about the fans, man. Scario will do whatever it takes to keep us satisfied. That dude in the cat shirt was a dick. I own that tape, and I love holding it in my hands while I listen to the first copy I bought off iTunes."

Maclaver was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. The band has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. A user "jlan1994" currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

Caustic Takes Fan's Response to Limited Edition Cassette Literally


MADISON, WI—Matt Fanale, the man behind Caustic and half of Klack has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at his merch table.

During a recent show at The Crucible, Matt Fanale was working the merch table after his set when a man in his early to mid thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented him on his performance. Upon thanking him, Fanale promptly drew the man's attention to the large stack of limited edition cassettes left over from the last few albums.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I told him not to do them, because who the hell wants a cassette? Matt was adamant though. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl, and I'm the new Devo,' whatever that means. But yeah, this was the first time I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted Fanale's partner in music and general wrangler, Eric Oehler.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Lindsey, told us, "Caustic is a natural performer and just wants to please his fans. This wouldn't be the first time he's taken it too far. It just sucks because I was gonna buy one before this all went down."

Fanale was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. He has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. An unknown user, "linds1981," currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.


Lights Out God Help Me Fans Angry After Uneventful Eclipse


PRESQUE ISLE, ME—On Monday, August 21, 2017, North America was treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality from Salem, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina saw one of nature’s most awe inspiring sights. Observers outside this path still saw a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun's disk.

Industrial/power noise/killing floor act Lights Out, God Help Me has now drawn ire from fans after his inferred promises about what may take place after the lights go out went unfulfilled.

"There's so much awful shit going on in the world. The lights went out; god didn't help us," said one angry fan.

Others are angry for different reasons.

"He said we'd all burn, we didn't. Said we'd all drown, here we are. I'm beginning to think he doesn't tell the truth," said another questioning fan.

When reached for comment, LOGHM responded, "Are you fucking serious right now?"

CONTRAversy: Brian Graupner of The Gothsicles Admits to Never Having Played Contra


CHICAGO, IL—In shocking news today, it has been discovered that Brian Graupner, creative mastermind behind the band The Gothsicles has been lying to his fans and fellow musicians about key elements of the band that is seen as one of the leaders of the comedy-based EBM, nostalgia-core industrial-synth-dark power-electro scene.

The scene unfolded when a fan asked Graupner after a recent show to sign their copy of Contra, the famed 8-bit side-scrolling shooter on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the game most recognized for popularizing the Konami Code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start) which granted a player 30 lives. When the fan asked which level was his favorite, Graupner broke down sobbing.

"I have no fucking idea man; I never played this fucking game before. I only had a Sega Master System while growing up!" the emotionally broken techno-crooner confessed. Graupner then proceeded to tear down The Gothsicles' merchandise screaming that he was a phony and that “Big Mario” was "making [him] do this" before being escorted to his bus by road crew and other band members.

When contacted for comment, a more composed Graupner admitted that he had in fact never played Contra. “My parents messed up the Christmas I asked for the NES. All that was left in stores was the Sega Master System. I grew up playing games like Outrun and Fantasy Zone,” said Graupner. “None of my friends had ever even heard of the Master System, and when '80s nostalgia came in the early 2000s, what the fuck was I going to sing about? Who the fuck would want to hear a song based on the continue code in Alex Kidd in Miracle World?”

“I... I just wanted to make funny, industrial-EBM-electro music based on iconic '80s stuff, man... It all just took off so fast,” Graupner stated whimsically.

Since the incident, Graupner has gone on record to say that he has briefly played some Contra on the recently released Nintendo NES Classic console, and does enjoy it, but that he believes Sega Master System classic Psycho Fox to still be the superior game.

Industrial Band Using Power Tools on Stage Accidentally Builds Deck


STRATSVILLE, PA—There are a lot of ways to engage the crowd and get a performance energized, but it's important not to distract yourself while on stage. Said one fan at an industrial band's show who wishes to remain anonymous, "At first everything was just rhythmic, but then their energy eventually just slowly shifted toward genuine construction."

The industrial band in question, Mechanical Zebra Carcass, was performing a very stompy set over the weekend when they brought power tools on stage to get the crowd even more hyped. "Y'know, they had a chainsaw, nail gun, drills, a jackhammer—a jackhammer. How often do you see that on stage?" continued the fan.

It was within five minutes that the crowd noticed that the band had stepped away from their synths and began tearing up the floorboards and ripping whatever they could off the walls to build a very well-crafted deck.

Another witness at the scene of the crime stated, "My dad was a carpenter, and he built some mighty decks, but I've never seen anyone build one so fast and sturdy in my life."

Security tried to intervene and drag the frontman off the stage but they quickly realized that was a mistake. One of the security guards was nailed into the deck and still remains there waiting for urgent care. The band sealed him within the planks of the wood and his leg was struck by at least nine one-inch nails.

All band members have been arrested and are currently awaiting trial. Court records show they have all plead "not guilty due to being industrial as fuck" to all charges.

Obnoxious Industrial Fan Creates Fake News Site to Amuse Self, Four Others


INDUSTRIAL, WV—An industrial fan identifying himself only as "Dick Wrigley" has created a website called Riveting News in a low-brow attempt to lampoon the industrial scene. The site features made up articles with headlines often described on Reddit as "low hanging fruit." Sources say the second person to like the online publication's Facebook page was the man's girlfriend, who only did so out of perceived obligation.

According to Google Analytics, the only visitors are the writers who regularly visit the site to scroll through and admire their cleverness. The website displays multiple flashing ads that have raked in a reported $0.27 over the past year. It also features a link to a webstore full of mostly black T-shirts with asinine phrases in grungy fonts.

For more information about this useless website, visit their about page.

Sean Payne Spills Beer on, Causes Cyanotic Fan to Short Circuit



CHICAGO, IL—Normally, playing live shows are a good way for a band to gain new fans, but Cyanotic recently almost lost one. Witnesses say that frontman Sean Payne was giving an energetic performance when he took a break between songs to drink his beer. Someone in the crowd yelled, "Drink up!" to which Payne responded by screaming into the microphone, "It's angry robot fuel!" and pumped his fist in the air. Unfortunately, that fist was wrapped around his open beer which splashed onto a long time fan in the front row.

Said one witness, "The big metal dude started making these mechanical grinding and scraping sounds. At first I just thought it was just the intro to the next song, but then a bunch of sparks shot out and shit. It was fuckin' rad. I mean, I feel bad for dude, but it was fuckin' rad."

Payne, visibly shaken, sat on the stage rocking back and forth while band mates Kevin Barron and Jordan Davis stayed by the malfunctioning unit's side, waiting for mechanics to arrive. Upon arrival, the mechanics sprayed brake cleaner on the affected areas and applied a moderate amount of grease. The unit was then taken to a nearby machine shop, where it's expected to make a full recovery. When asked for the unit's model number, a spokesperson for the shop declined to comment citing privacy concerns.

JP Anderson, interim lead counsel of the Glitch Mode legal team has stated, "...any vulnerability to fermented beverages on the part of artificial persons is solely the responsibility of the manufacturer; we cannot be held liable for such oversights."

Editor's note: This article has been updated to include the official statement from JP Anderson.

Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet


LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

Combichrist to Record EP with Ed Sheeran


UPDATE: Soon after we broke this story, Andy LaPlegua confirmed the previously under wraps collaboration on his personal Instagram account.

LONDON, UK—Andy LaPlegua of Combichrist fame has written several new songs with multi-platinum artist Ed Sheeran as he plots a change in course for his ever-evolving band.

According to our sources, they have co-written a track together, their first time teaming up since LaPlegua first approached the "Shape of You" singer about a collaborative project. Fans will soon be treated to a snippet of the new song on LaPlegua's Facebook page. It's been reported that at least four more songs are in the works.

“They've been friends for years, ever since Andy first ran into Ed at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. He told Ed he'd become a big inspiration for him lately," a source told us. “The collaboration actually came about very quickly earlier this year. Andy was told that Ed was beginning to write a song with him in mind."

An excited La Plegua reportedly flew straight to the U.K. to finish writing the track with Ed, before recording the next day.

While LaPlegua will certainly enjoy the support of Combichrist's already huge fan base, the industrial star is clearly keen to branch out into the folk-pop scene, and working with Sheeran, currently one of the most sought-after songwriters in the music business, will give him a boost.

Homophobic LeƦther Strip Fan Completely Clueless


DURHAM, NC—38-year-old Ken Cosgrove is a self described "LeƦther Head" obsessed with all things LeƦther Strip and KlutƦ. Conversely, he is also a raging homophobe who regularly posts videos of himself burning pride flags.

I first found Cosgrove when a Facebook friend shared a video of a man burning a rainbow flag and chanting, "F**s must die." As I watched in disgust, I noticed he was wearing what looked like a Japanese Bodies t-shirt. There was certainly a story there. After reaching out to him, Cosgrove agreed to sit down for a brief interview. Before I had a chance to ask him to share a little about his stance on homosexuality and the industrial scene, he offered it unprompted.

"Industrial bands these days are a bunch of queer kids wearing makeup like f**s. Who knows what's going on with them. I can't fucking stand f******s," explained Cosgrove, "but then you have LeƦther Strip. Claus is a fuckin' Alpha, dude. I bet he slays mad chicks."

When asked about the lyrics of songs like "Invade My Body," Cosgrove claimed that the song was "obviously sung from the point of view of all the chicks he's always railing."

When asked about Claus' penchant for wearing leather dungeon straps around his chest on stage, Cosgrove replied, "Yeah, so did He-Man, and he was as manly as they come."

FInally, I asked Cosgrove if he thought Claus Larsen was a "man's man." He responded, "Oh, definitely," and then added, "What's with all these questions anyway? What are you trying to get at? I'm not a fuckin' f*****t, bro. I'll fuckin' knock you out."

I opted not to let Dan in on the non-secret. I think we can all relate to discovering that an artist we look up to isn't what we'd thought they were and how devastating a realization that can be. He was happy in his ignorance, and though hateful people don't deserve happiness, Claus and Kurt certainly deserve this scumbag's money.

Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like


BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle


RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

Goth Rhinoceros Wants to Go Extinct


AKAGERA, RW—Though the black rhino has been struggling to survive for decades, there exists one that has for years been a proponent of its entire species dying out.

The East African black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis minor) is one of the few remaining black rhino subspecies left in the world, and is currently listed as endangered due primarily to poaching; rhino horn made into dagger handles is a symbol of wealth in many countries. Contrary to popular opinion, the horn is not consumed primarily as an aphrodisiac; only small amounts are used for this purpose. 23-year-old Kamhout, an avid Bauhaus fan and resident at Akagera National Park in Rwanda, reluctantly participates in the Eastern Black Rhinoceros Species Survival Plan, a shared conservation effort by zoos throughout the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Despite his overall disinterest in existence, Kamhout once narrowly escaped his own death when poachers attempted to lure him into a trap using a special collector's edition Blu-ray copy of The Crow. Some volunteers have speculated that the brooding pachyderm may have refused to play into their hands due to his desire to witness the the extinction of his species, though park officials have pointed out that Kamhout also does not own a Blu-ray player.

Sheeple Outraged After 3Teeth Proves Existence of Third Twin Tower on September 11th


FACEBOOK—Many conspiracies have sprung up surrounding the tragedy that took place on September 11th in 2001. 3Teeth frontman Alexis Mincolla has revealed that a third tower existed and was also destroyed; one that they don't want you to know about.

On September 11th, 2017, Mincolla posted a photo on the 3Teeth Facebook page showing what appears to be a third tower burning at the World Trade Center, providing concrete proof that what we've been told is a lie.

Fans and critics alike were angered, as the official story has become ingrained in American culture and accepting the truth is dangerous.

"It's absurd that they would post something like that; on today of all days," said Byron Westcock, a casual fan in strong opposition to being woke. "To think, I liked their page and listened to three of their songs, and then they pull something like this."

Regardless of what those with their heads in the sand want to believe, we now have definitive proof that every depiction of the World Trade Center over the last 40 years has been doctored.

UPDATE: Alex Jones of InfoWars has now created a section on his website dedicated to proving that a third tower existed at the World Trade Center prior to the attacks on September 11th, 2001.

Five Star Italian Restaurant Sues Deconbrio for Trademark Infringement


KNOXVILLE, TN—The harmonious world of music and culinary delights has taken an unexpected twist as the renowned industrial rock band Deconbrio finds itself entangled in a legal dispute with an unlikely opponent: a luxurious 5-star Italian restaurant bearing the same name. The restaurant, known for its exquisite cuisine and upscale ambiance, alleges that the band's use of the name infringes upon their established trademark, setting the stage for a legal showdown.

Deconbrio, the band founded in 2000, has carved a niche for itself in the music industry with its distinctive blend of electronic and industrial rock. Over the years, they've garnered a loyal fan base and recognition for their intense live performances and thought-provoking lyrics. However, the band now faces a different kind of challenge, one that has them trading their guitars and microphones for legal briefs.

The 5-star Italian restaurant, Deconbrio, located in the heart of San Diego, CA, has enjoyed a reputation as a culinary destination, frequented by food enthusiasts and celebrities alike. With a menu boasting exquisite dishes crafted by renowned chefs and an opulent setting, the restaurant has become synonymous with fine dining and sophistication.

The restaurant's management claims that they registered the name "Deconbrio" as a trademark for their establishment in 1998 and have maintained this trademark ever since. Their argument centers around potential confusion among customers who may mistake the band for the restaurant, leading to loss of business and reputational damage. In their lawsuit, they assert that Deconbrio, the band, is infringing upon their intellectual property rights.

Deconbrio has indirectly responded to the allegations in a recent Facebook post asking, "How could there be any confusion? I've never had anyone come to the merch table asking for linguini. I'd love to know how often the maƮtre d' is asked to play Like You Mean It."

Legal experts weigh in on the situation, noting that trademark infringement cases can be complex and often require a careful examination of the likelihood of consumer confusion and the strength of the trademark itself. The outcome of this legal battle will hinge on several factors, including the distinctiveness of the restaurant's trademark and the extent of the band's reach and recognition.

As the lawsuit unfolds, fans and legal observers alike will be watching closely to see whether Deconbrio, the band, will need to rebrand or negotiate a settlement with Deconbrio, the restaurant. This clash of names between the world of music and fine dining serves as a reminder of the importance of trademark protection and the potential pitfalls that can arise when names and identities overlap.

Sweat Boys Caught Dousing with Fake Sweat During Performance


LA CROSSE, WI—In a shocking turn of events, the once-revered band Sweat Boys, renowned for their high-energy live performances drenched in perspiration, has been caught red-handed in a deceptive act that has left their fan base reeling. It has been revealed that the band members, led by indefatigable frontman Benny Sweat, have been surreptitiously spraying themselves with water to feign their signature sweat-soaked appearance on stage.

Sweat Boys, known for their raucous EBM anthems and fervent stage presence, had long captivated audiences with their seemingly boundless energy and visible commitment to their music. The band's lead singer, Benny Sweat, in particular, has become synonymous with his dripping brow and glistening chest, becoming a symbol of their intense performances.

However, a recent onstage incident has shaken the foundation of their image. On the evening of their most recent concert with Choke Chain, Silver Walks, and Be Wary, an eagle-eyed audience member stumbled upon a scene that has since shattered the illusion. As the band prepared to play their third song of the evening, hidden away from prying eyes, Benny Sweat was seen kneeling behind the synth rack, his hand clutching a spray bottle of water. The witness, taken aback by the sight, quickly realized the shocking truth: The profuse sweat that had come to define Sweat Boys' stage presence was not entirely authentic.

It appears that for an undisclosed period of time, the band had been secretly dousing themselves with water in an effort to create the illusion of intense perspiration. The discovery has left fans both disillusioned and bewildered, questioning the authenticity of countless performances that had once held them spellbound.

Representatives of Sweat Boys have yet to release an official statement addressing the controversy. Fans are left wondering if the band will attempt to salvage their tarnished reputation or if this revelation will mark the end of an era for Sweat Boys.

In an industry where authenticity and connection with fans are paramount, the scandal serves as a stark reminder of the fine line between entertainment and deceit. As they grapple with this newfound revelation, one question still remains: If the sweat was fake, then where was the smell coming from?

Gravity Kills' Jeff Scheel Falls from Fifth Floor, Survives


OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—The frontman of industrial rock band Gravity Kills survived a five story fall from an apartment building early Saturday morning. Police suspect he may have been pushed as they search for the Guilty party.

Jeff Scheel was found unconscious on top of a damaged vehicle at 13 Star Ave. at 12:30 am after Falling from a fifth-floor window, authorities said. Alcohol is not believed to have been a factor.

“I was Wide Awake when I heard a loud Crashing noise. I will Never forget it,” said One neighbor, Doug Firley. “We can Always hear people all night long, but they were running Down the stairs and yelling like they were Superstarved for attention or something. I Wanted to go down there and shut them up, but then I looked out the window. I've never seen a car's roof just Disintegrate like that.”

Another neighbor who called 911 when he heard Scheel fall, saw the stricken man on the ground, surrounded by distraught friends.

“They were asking, ‘Can you hear me?’ And another guy was asking If there were any medics Here,” said the third-floor resident, who gave his name as Kurt. “They sounded angry and they were yelling back and forth at each other.”

Though Scheel's injuries were severe, the incident occurred not far from Kerns Hospital, where he was admitted within Fifteen Minutes. A screen from the window was still on the ground outside the building Saturday, next to the car his body had landed on.

A source told us that the scene Inside the apartment from where Scheel had fallen had been Manipulated, which is Enough to suggest that someone is to Blame. Authorities are determined to Hold someone accountable, and are speaking with everyone who Last saw him.

"It is our Belief that this may have been an attempted murder. I'll tell you One Thing: I look Forward to getting to the bottom of this," said one officer and fan who asked to remain anonymous.

Scheel's friend Matt Dudenhoeffer was visibly shaken and on the verge of a Breakdown, "I'm just so glad he's Alive and I didn't have to say Goodbye. I know I would Drown in grief. That man Never hurt anyone; didn't have a single Enemy. Most rock stars are all about Love, Sex, And Money, but not Jeff. He was so kind, you could Beg And Borrow anything from him. If he ever met you, he'd never Forget Your Name. He had so much going for him, I can't believe someone would try to Take It All Away."

Scheel is said to be in a medically induced coma while he heals from broken ribs, which almost caused him to Suffocate. A candle light vigil will be held on Wednesday at Personal Jesus Methodist Church for those wishing to gather in prayer for his recovery.

Edgy Teen Discovers Satan Actually Pretty Chill Guy


SEEDTOWN, NC—Satan has always been depicted as an evil force or entity who is hell-bent on ensuring the destruction of Christianity, as well as suckling every living Soul into his fiery domain. However, Kyle Lubitz, a Freshman at Yellow Fountain High School in Seedtown, North Carolina has just discovered an opposite truth.

"I don't know man. I always thought Satan was all about sacrificing goats and fucking over the world and everything. But the truth started coming out when I saw how many people in the Black Metal scene are actually vegans. That was the first red flag I saw," Lubitz stated.

Lubitz, a dedicated fan to cult Black Metal outfits such as Abbath and Moloch, has been listening to the projects ever since the beginning of the school year. The face paint, dedication to dark sigils, and Satan himself led the child to believe Satan was a bad person. But after reading about the deity online, he came away unsatisfied with Him.

"All these movies out there depict the forces of evil as being disgusting, nasty, and nothing but murderous jerks. The Satanic Bible actually makes Satan sound pretty chill and cool. I don't understand it. How am I supposed to get through my most hormone filled stage when I don't even know what my deity is all about?" Lubitz continued.

Lubitz found a group of Satanists within his own high school and was confused when he got kicked out. Speaking to the head of the Satanic Friendship Club at Yellow Fountain High School, Miranda Smith, she stated, "Yeah, when we first met Kyle, he really, really wanted to know when we were going to kill a cat or murder his ex. We kind of tried to tell him that's not what we're about. He got angry with us. Still, if we could enlighten him that would have been awesome. Now he's finding stuff out on his own. Wouldn't you know it... We were right. Fucking Kyle."

Lubitz has since stopped worshiping Satan and has moved onto worshiping Ronald McDonald. Lubitz continued, "At least that clown is responsible for a few thousand deaths per year. Fuck Satan. I'll have Ron curse everyone I know."

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Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle

RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior fin...

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