December 12, 2017

Underground Band Furious Magazines Won't Review Their New Album


PORTLAND, OR—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is furious that their new album has not been reviewed by any online publications.

"We've been making music for a good year now. It's bullshit that these blogs aren't reviewing us. We are the best. The best of the best. Everyone needs to like our music," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group.

When we interviewed him on the spot, Maclaver went on a long, long tirade that lasted a half hour and put half the staff at Riveting News to sleep. In it, he bashed most of the industrial publications currently available. "What else do they do? It's not like they have full time jobs and other things to do. They sit at home in their rooms and listen to shit bands and that's it. But not us," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver has also sworn an online defamation war against the multi-million dollar industrial publication industry. He swears that he and his five followers will never, ever submit their albums to any online publication ever again.

Speaking to the Riveting News staff, Maclaver slandered us and stated, "Even you guys just post bullshit articles about us. Built a deck? My ass. It was a fucking patio. Get the story straight, jagoff. You guys haven't even wrote a review. I bet you only do paid reviews."

Maclaver then proceeded to stomp out of the building angrily pouting.

December 1, 2017

Gravity Kills' Jeff Scheel Falls from Fifth Floor, Survives


OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—The frontman of industrial rock band Gravity Kills survived a five story fall from an apartment building early Saturday morning. Police suspect he may have been pushed as they search for the Guilty party.

Jeff Scheel was found unconscious on top of a damaged vehicle at 13 Star Ave. at 12:30 am after Falling from a fifth-floor window, authorities said. Alcohol is not believed to have been a factor.

“I was Wide Awake when I heard a loud Crashing noise. I will Never forget it,” said One neighbor, Doug Firley. “We can Always hear people all night long, but they were running Down the stairs and yelling like they were Superstarved for attention or something. I Wanted to go down there and shut them up, but then I looked out the window. I've never seen a car's roof just Disintegrate like that.”

Another neighbor who called 911 when he heard Scheel fall, saw the stricken man on the ground, surrounded by distraught friends.

“They were asking, ‘Can you hear me?’ And another guy was asking If there were any medics Here,” said the third-floor resident, who gave his name as Kurt. “They sounded angry and they were yelling back and forth at each other.”

Though Scheel's injuries were severe, the incident occurred not far from Kerns Hospital, where he was admitted within Fifteen Minutes. A screen from the window was still on the ground outside the building Saturday, next to the car his body had landed on.

A source told us that the scene Inside the apartment from where Scheel had fallen had been Manipulated, which is Enough to suggest that someone is to Blame. Authorities are determined to Hold someone accountable, and are speaking with everyone who Last saw him.

"It is our Belief that this may have been an attempted murder. I'll tell you One Thing: I look Forward to getting to the bottom of this," said one officer and fan who asked to remain anonymous.

Scheel's friend Matt Dudenhoeffer was visibly shaken and on the verge of a Breakdown, "I'm just so glad he's Alive and I didn't have to say Goodbye. I know I would Drown in grief. That man Never hurt anyone; didn't have a single Enemy. Most rock stars are all about Love, Sex, And Money, but not Jeff. He was so kind, you could Beg And Borrow anything from him. If he ever met you, he'd never Forget Your Name. He had so much going for him, I can't believe someone would try to Take It All Away."

Scheel is said to be in a medically induced coma while he heals from broken ribs, which almost caused him to Suffocate. A candle light vigil will be held on Wednesday at Personal Jesus Methodist Church for those wishing to gather in prayer for his recovery.

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