Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."

INCREDIBLY GRIPPING TELEVISION.

I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.

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Mall Santa Confesses to Being One True Santa, 14 Murders

CHESTNUT GROVE, NC—A beloved mall Santa has left a community awestruck by revealing a closely guarded secret: He is the one true Santa Claus and committed a string of grisly murders in 1971. What began as a whimsical tale turned into a holiday miracle and then a horrifying tale when an independent investigation supported his extraordinary claim.

The announcement came during a routine visit from children eager to share their Christmas wishes with Santa. With a twinkle in his eye and a hushed, somewhat creepy tone, the mall Santa confessed, "I just can't bear to keep it a secret any longer; I am the real Santa Claus. I am also the Kringle Killer." The revelation, initially met with a mix of nervous laughter and disbelief, soon became the talk of the town.

Local news outlets and curious residents scrambled to uncover the truth behind the mall Santa's extraordinary assertion. A team of independent investigators, led by renowned mythologist Dr. Emily Harris and Agent Bill Miller of the FBI, embarked on a mission to verify the authenticity of this festive yet sickening bombshell.

After weeks of meticulous research, the investigators uncovered a trail of historical records, eyewitness accounts, unexplained phenomena, and mitochondrial DNA that linked to the mall Santa's past. Dr. Harris, visibly astonished by her findings, declared, "The evidence is overwhelming. This man, who has brought joy to countless children over the years, is indeed the real Santa Claus." Added Agent Miller, "It would also appear that he brutally murdered over a dozen people."

The records revealed a pattern of inexplicable events surrounding the mall Santa, such as time-defying travel patterns and firsthand testimonies from individuals who claimed to have witnessed both magical and violent occurrences. Dr. Harris emphasized that the evidence was consistent with centuries-old legends surrounding Santa Claus. Agent Miller stated that DNA evidence collected with the help of Interpol has linked the man to multiple unsolved fatal stabbings involving a sharpened candy cane. The stabbings all occurred during an 8 hour window spreading across the globe, none of which had been previously linked to the others by any law enforcement agencies. An internet urban legend, however, has for years claimed that four murders in the Baltic region were committed by one perpetrator dubbed The Kringle Killer.

As the news spread throughout Chestnut Grove and beyond, the town's residents found themselves at the center of a holiday fairy tale and horror story. Families marveled at the realization that their local mall Santa had been the real deal all along as well as a dangerous psychopath, embodying the spirit of Christmas in ways they never imagined.

In a press conference, Agent Miller read a statement from the now-confirmed Santa Claus/Kringle Killer in which he addressed the community, expressing gratitude for their continued belief in the magic of Christmas. "I've been honored to bring joy to this community and beyond. Your belief in the spirit of Christmas has made my journey all the more magical, and I am deeply ashamed of my actions that night in 1971."

As the holiday season reaches its peak, Chestnut Grove finds itself forever etched in the annals of Christmas lore, having hosted the real Santa Claus and simultaneously a brutal spree killer their local mall. The enchanting yet horrifying revelation has both rekindled the magic of the season and brought closure to the families of the deceased while leaving residents of a small town with a newfound sense of wonder and terror.

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Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime

The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.

Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns as cream filled long johns. Do you know how devastating an experience that is? It's a God damn travesty that will ruin your entire day. It's upsetting to the point that I've started breaking them in half before I buy them. This practice has saved me from further heartache twice already. And you've no idea how hard it is to not throw half an actually not cream filled donut at the nearest sky blue shirt and scream.

Some or maybe all of you might be thinking, "Relax, it's just a donut, and maybe stop eating so many donuts."

And to that I say, "No."

The issue is not as simple as just not getting the item you paid for. Eating a cream filled long john is a very specific experience: First you bite into one end—unless you're a complete psychopath, then maybe you eat your long johns like corn on the cob; I don't know. For whatever reason, I started writing this in second person, and I believe in consistency (unlike some gas stations). So, you start eating your donut and you're (probably) not a psycho, so the first couple bites are plain donut. That's normal. But, oh, you know it's coming. Soon you'll get to taste that rich cream. No, that's 100% your own brain making this weird, so just stop it; I'm trying to tell a story.

The anticipation is part of the experience. You don't actually know on which bite you will finally get to the cream, but you know and trust that eventually you will. When you finally do, you take note of how soon or late you got to the cream, and in that instant, in some small way, you relive every other cream filled long john you've ever eaten. And now, as you're into the cream bites, you know they will end soon, and you'll be left with regular donut once again. This is a sad reality you accept, and it makes you appreciate every cream filled bite so much more. Or maybe you're a fucking wild man, and as soon as you hit cream, you flip that sucker around and start from the other end so you can end on cream. I'm not judging. That's a life of decadence few dare to live, so you fuckin' go for it.

Eating a cream filled long john is a delicious roller coaster. Now imagine you're on a roller coaster that never reaches the top of that first suspenseful incline; it just keeps going. That's what happens when some total dick head puts a regular long john on the cream filled long john tray. On bite three, you're like, "Aw, damn. Probably not much in this one. I hope it's just off center and goes all the way to the end," because you're still excited and full of hope. Bite four, it's starting to hit you: the possibility that life is not what you thought—not what you were promised. You half know you're full of shit when you think to yourself, "Maybe there's at least a little at the end."

Then you take your fifth bite of the very obviously just a regular fucking donut that some asshole put on the cream filled tray. You realize that you've just eaten most of a perfectly good regular donut, but you didn't get to appreciate it for what it was, because you thought it was something else. And that's what's so truly heinous about this whole thing. Not only do you not get to enjoy the donut you wanted, but now you didn't get to enjoy the donut you had. God, that's fucking dark. I haven't seen the new Saw movie yet, but I guarantee you none of the traps are that fucked up. So now here you are with a few bites left of a completely normal donut you don't even want but could have wanted. Do you eat the last few bites and try to enjoy them for what they are, or will you throw it away, disappointed in everything and everyone in the world around you? Live or die, make your choice.

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Everyone in Office Just Ignoring Velociraptor at Reception Desk

CHICAGO, IL—Though it continues to screech incessantly, everyone in the office is pretending not to notice the velociraptor at the reception desk.

The episode began when Lisa the Receptionist took the day off to visit family in Springfield. At 10:24 AM, a fully grown velociraptor from the Cretaceous period walked into the office and approached the vacant reception desk. While nearly every employee in the office is well-aware of the dinosaur's presence, no one has stepped up to handle the situation.

"I’m not dealing with that," said marketing assistant, Derek Kirkland. "I have actual work to get done; I don’t have time to play receptionist."

As of press time, the velociraptor had made its way into the office space, and a few employees have smiled at it while walking by.

This story originally appeared on The Spoon Feed.

Republished with permission.

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Five Ways to Improve Intimacy with Your Partner (Besides Sharing Needles)

It's not uncommon for couples to feel they're struggling with intimacy. Whether it's due to a lack of communication, different expectations, or just a general feeling of disconnection, there are a few things you can do to help improve the situation besides sharing needles. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Talk about your fantasies. What turns you on? What are your secret desires? Talking about these things could help to bring you closer together and make sex even more enjoyable if either of you weren't so strung out that your sex drive was completely gone.

2. Express gratitude. Did your partner go out of their way to cop in a different neighborhood? Did they pay the dopeman with something other than money? Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate the things they do to keep you both high.

3. Be present. Instead of letting your mind wander, focus on the present moment and enjoy the sensations of your body. This can help you to achieve a more intense level of intimacy as you both nod out together.

4. Communicate. If something isn't working for you, or you’re not enjoying yourself, speak up. Good communication is essential to finding a new plug if the latest batch from your current supplier is weak.

5. Experiment. Be willing to try new things together. Try doing speedballs. Maybe you prefer morphine. Change things up by using a different vein.

By trying out these different techniques, you can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship without doing anything reckless and unhealthy.

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Twitter Infrastructure 'Stronger Than Ever' Says Sole Intern Left in Charge of Servers

SACRAMENTO, CA—When Twitter first started in 2006, it was a simple platform for sharing 140-character messages. Now, more than a decade later, it’s a global phenomenon with over 320 million active users. It’s also my job. As the last intern left in charge of Twitter’s servers, I’ve been tasked with keeping the site up and running.

I’m not an engineer or a programmer. I’m just a college kid who got lucky enough to land an internship at one of the hottest tech companies in the world. When my supervisor told me I would be responsible for keeping the Twitter servers online, I didn’t know how to respond. I’m honestly not even qualified for the job I had before this. I excused myself to have a quick panic attack in the bathroom, and when I came back to ask how long I'd have to do this for, my supervisor's office had been completely cleared out.

I don't necessary know how to "fix" a server when it goes down, but this guy who used to work here once showed me how you can just unplug it and then run this powershell script that, like, his old boss or someone wrote where it just, like, tells Twitter it's OK and to just not use that server anymore. It sounded a little sketchy at first, but I've been doing it now like two or five times a day for the past week, and everything's still running perfectly.

So there's really no need to worry. Twitter's infrastructure is stronger than ever.

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Unhinged Health Tips: Keep Your Stomach as Flat as the Earth

If you're looking for ways to keep your stomach flat—like the Earth—you may have to make some changes to your lifestyle. The first thing you'll want to do is order 12 bottles of each kind of Alex Jones's InfoWars supplements and take them every two to nine minutes. Next, you'll need to revamp your diet. Make sure to eat lots of dirt and hair. Try to find a local barber shop willing to give away their hair trimmings. It may be difficult. They will usually claim to be unaware of how valuable it is but still refuse to give it up, ask you to leave, and threaten to call the police. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2); it's the sequel to water. Finally, avoid eating late at night or close to bedtime, as this can lead to heartburn and indigestion or turn you into a gremlin if your clock is wrong. You may have Mogwai DNA without realizing it—they toured extensively in the 1990s and 2000s. Your dad may not be your dad, and not just because he was replaced by a robot.

Getting proper exercise is also key. You don't need a gym membership or fancy equipment to get a good workout. There are plenty of exercises you can do right at home using everyday items. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use a milk jug filled with the urine you've been saving as a dumbbell. Start with one that's not too heavy, then work your way up as you get stronger.

2. Fill up a laundry basket or backpack with the books that you were going to burn anyway now that you know they are full of lies and contain strings of keywords that may activate your implants if you were to read them, and use it as a weight for squats, lunges, and other strength-training exercises.

3. Get in some cardio by running up and down the street while loudly informing everyone that they, too, are being watched.

6. As you're removing all electronics from your home because they contain listening devices, see how far out into your yard you can throw them.

4. Focus on resistance training. You'll need to be part of it when the New World Order takes over.

A healthy diet and exercise routine is important for everyone who is not a Lizard Person. By following these tips, you can help yourself stay in shape and improve your overall health.

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'90s Cartoon Aunt May Rumored to Return for Spider-Man 3

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A third MCU Spider-Man film is in the works, and the internet can't stop speculating about its cast. Over the last few months, there's been a whirlwind of rumors surrounding a multitude of characters and actors from past iterations of the Spider-Man franchise coming back in the next film. Until now, the conversation was limited to the Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield movies.

Inside sources have said that producers have been looking back ever further. One anonymous source claims that Kevin Feige has reached out to the cartoon Aunt May from 1994's Spider-Man the animated series which ran on Fox Kids for 5 seasons.

Cartoon Aunt May has not been involved in any projects since the series' cancellation in 1998, so her schedule is presumably wide open. Though much older than the version played by Marisa Tomei, Feige is reportedly confident that she will be able to reprise her role seeing as how cartoons are immortal and cannot die.

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Biden White House Plans Include Finding Weed He Stashed in 2016

WASHINGTON, DC—Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been elected as the 46th President of the United States, and he has some unfinished business to attend to.

It seems Joe Biden put the "vice" in Vice President during his time in the Obama administration. According to former White House staff, he would regularly stash his weed in various hiding places, and then get so high that he would forget where it was.

"On more than one occasion, I was instructed to search for Mr. Biden's lost marijuana," said one former staffer who spoke under condition of anonymity.

"Quite often, he would just leave it in the back of the medicine cabinet. The thing is, there are 35 bathrooms in the White House."

The Secret Service reportedly kept a running list of the various locations in which marijuana had been found, presumably to expedite future searches. Common hiding spots include: inside coffee cans, the crisper drawer of two of three refrigerators, behind George W. Bush's presidential portrait, and the inside jacket pocket of Obama's brown suit he vowed never to wear again.

According to one inside source, Biden is relatively sure he left a joint inside a hollowed out copy of Donald J. Trump's "The Art of the Deal," but can't remember if he left it on a shelf in the library or shoved behind a toilet. Either way, he seems relatively certain that Trump would not have found anything inside a book.

Starting January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will officially put the "Chief" in "Commander in Chief."

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bolton Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of John Bolton's firing as national security adviser, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

President Trump announced Tuesday that he had fired his national security adviser, John Bolton, saying in tweets that he “disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions.”

“I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House,” Trump said.“I asked John for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. I thank John very much for his service.”

I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House. I disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions, as did others in the Administration, and therefore....

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 10, 2019

Trump said he would name a replacement next week.

Bolton, a former diplomat and political commentator who came on board in April 2018, was Trump’s third national security adviser.

Trump’s harshly worded tweet made clear that long-simmering frustration with Bolton had boiled over. Bolton immediately took issue with Trump’s assertion that he was fired, saying that he had offered his resignation. “Let’s be clear, I resigned, having offered to do so last night,” Bolton told The Washington Post.

So, basically, Trump pulled a, "You can't quit, you're fired!"

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R. Kelly Petitions Judge to be Let out of Solitary Confinement, Placed in Women's Juvenile Facility

CHICAGO, IL—Lawyers for the embattled former R&B star filed an emergency motion on Thursday arguing he should be released from solitary confinement while awaiting trial on child pornography charges.

Kelly is getting no sunlight, no "meaningful interaction with underage girls," limited email access, and is allowed to shower just three times a week, his lawyers said in the motion. They claim he is being unfairly targeted because of his charges and because of his celebrity status.

Kelly is being held in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago after being arrested by federal authorities on child pornography and sex abuse charges in July.

After his arrest, the Bureau of Prisons determined Kelly could not be held in general population at the prison for his own safety, according to the motion.

But when Kelly requested to be transferred out of solitary confinement, BOP said he would not be eligible for a transfer to a women's juvenile facility “because of his alleged offense and notoriety and the fact that he is an adult man,” according to the motion.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sarah Sanders Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has announced that Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving the White House. Early on, Sanders came to accept that President Trump was the real press secretary of this administration. She publicly avoided contradicting him, even if that meant contradicting the truth.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Sanders' departure, thanking her for her service and suggesting that she would make a great governor for some reason.

....She is a very special person with extraordinary talents, who has done an incredible job! I hope she decides to run for Governor of Arkansas - she would be fantastic. Sarah, thank you for a job well done!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 13, 2019

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Mattis Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

On Thursday, December 20, Secretary of Defense James Mattis submitted a letter of resignation to President Donald Trump. “Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects,” he wrote, “I believe it is right for me to step down from my position.” The full text of the letter is reproduced below.


Dear Mr. President:

I have been privileged to serve as our country’s 26th Secretary of Defense which has allowed me to serve alongside our men and women of the Department in defense of our citizens and our ideals.

I am proud of the progress that has been made over the past two years on some of the key goals articulated in our National Defense Strategy: putting the Department on a more sound budgetary footing, improving readiness and lethality in our forces, and reforming the Department’s business practices for greater performance. Our troops continue to provide the capabilities needed to prevail in conflict and sustain strong US global influence.

One core belief I have always held is that our strength as a nation is inextricably linked to the strength of our unique and comprehensive system of alliances and partnerships. While the US remains the indispensable nation in the free world, we cannot protect our interests or serve that role effectively without maintaining strong alliances and showing respect to those allies. Like you, I have said from the beginning that the armed forces of the United States should not be the policeman of the world. Instead, we must use all tools of American power to provide for the common defense, including providing effective leadership to our alliances. NATO’s 29 democracies demonstrated that strength in their commitment to fighting alongside us following the 9-11 attack on America. The Defeat-ISIS coalition of 74 nations is further proof.

Similarly, I believe we must be resolute and unambiguous in our approach to those countries whose strategic interests are increasingly in tension with ours. It is clear that China and Russia, for example, want to shape a world consistent with their authoritarian model—gaining veto authority over other nations’ economic, diplomatic, and security decisions—to promote their own interests at the expense of their neighbors, America and our allies. That is why we must use all the tools of American power to provide for the common defense.

My views on treating allies with respect and also being clear-eyed about both malign actors and strategic competitors are strongly held and informed by over four decades of immersion in these issues. We must do everything possible to advance an international order that is most conducive to our security, prosperity and values, and we are strengthened in this effort by the solidarity of our alliances.

Because you have the right to a Secretary of Defense whose views are better aligned with yours on these and other subjects, I believe it is right for me to step down from my position. The end date for my tenure is February 28, 2019, a date that should allow sufficient time for a successor to be nominated and confirmed as well as to make sure the Department’s interests are properly articulated and protected at upcoming events to include Congressional posture hearings and the NATO Defense Ministerial meeting in February. Further, that a full transition to a new Secretary of Defense occurs well in advance of the transition of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in September in order to ensure stability within the Department.

I pledge my full effort to a smooth transition that ensures the needs and interests of the 2.15 million Service Members and 732,079 DoD civilians receive undistracted attention of the Department at all times so that they can fulfill their critical, round-the-clock mission to protect the American people.

I very much appreciate this opportunity to serve the nation and our men and women in uniform.

James N. Mattis

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sessions Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

"At your request I am submitting my resignation," he wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly.

Matthew Whitaker will take over as acting attorney general, the President said.

Whitaker is expected to take charge of the the Russia investigation and special counsel Robert Mueller from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein.

"We are pleased to announce that Matthew G. Whitaker, Chief of Staff to Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the Department of Justice, will become our new Acting Attorney General of the United States. He will serve our Country well ...We thank Attorney General Jeff Sessions for his service, and wish him well! A permanent replacement will be nominated at a later date," Trump tweeted.

The move is an abrupt end to what had been a tumultuous tenure for Sessions, originally one of Trump's earliest and most loyal surrogates as an Alabama Republican senator. He was a key figure in implementing Trump's vision for America. But even as he continued to carry out the Trump agenda, his relationship with the President remained strained and fraught for months.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following McMaster Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Little more than a week after the firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Gen. H. R. McMaster, the battle-tested Army officer tapped as President Trump’s national security adviser last year to stabilize a turbulent foreign policy operation, will resign and be replaced by John R. Bolton, a hard-line former United States ambassador to the United Nations, White House officials said Thursday.

General McMaster will retire from the military, the officials said. He has been discussing his departure with President Trump for several weeks, they said, but decided to speed up his departure, in part because questions about his status were casting a shadow over his conversations with foreign officials.

This story is still developing. Check back for future details.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Tillerson Firing

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of State Rex Willerson's ousting, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has removed him as Secretary of State and replaced him with current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, after months of speculation surrounding Tillerson's role in the Trump administration, a fact that Tillerson found out at the same time as the public.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Tillerson's ouster, thanking Tillerson for his service.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!

7:44 AM - Mar 13, 2018

Before the president's tweet, the Washington Post first reported news of Tillerson's firing.

As Mr. Trump departed for a California trip Tuesday morning, he told reporters that he and Tillerson "disagree on things," and he singled out the Iran nuclear deal as an issue.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bannon Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of chief White House strategist Steve Bannon submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only weeks after former communications director Anthony Scaramucci's 11 day stint came to an end. Before his final day, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

According to The New York Times, Bannon submitted his resignation on August 7, but the announcement of his ouster was delayed until today thanks to the events in Charlottesville. The White House described the departure as a mutual agreement between Bannon and chief of staff John Kelly.

"We are grateful for his service and wish him the best," said press secretary Sarah Sanders.

Bannon took over as Trump's campaign chairman a year and a day ago, and he was credited with bringing much-needed focus and discipline to what had been a seat-of-the-pants operation. Bloomberg Businessweek writer Joshua Green argues that without Bannon's skill at mobilizing disaffected white male voters, "I don't think Donald Trump would have been elected president."

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Scaramucci Resignation

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci submitting his resignation Monday, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only days after Scaramucci's hiring. After his arrival, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

A day before Priebus' announced departure last week, Scaramucci made headlines for delivering a scathing, profanity-laced critique of Priebus and others to a reporter from The New Yorker.

Sources inside the White House told Riveting News that Scaramucci offered his resignation Monday morning to newly sworn-in chief of staff John Kelly, with a request to be redeployed as chief strategy officer at the Export-Import Bank, to allow Kelly to assert his leadership in the West Wing.

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed Scaramucci's departure in a statement after the news broke.

"Mr. Scaramucci felt it was best to give chief of staff John Kelly a clean slate and the ability to build his own team," the statement read.

Scaramucci's role formally began only last Wednesday, July 26.

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

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Director Stanley Kubrick's Extensive Involvement in Moon Landing Hoax

Patrick Germain

Republished

It has been suggested that Stanley Kubrick, the truly gifted director who was responsible for such classics as 2001: A Space Odyssey was hired to help fake the Apollo landings. Given Kubrick’s painstaking attention to detail, it is now well known that he was involved in this elaborate conspiracy.

But if Kubrick was responsible for this ruse, it should certainly be considered his finest work. Just look at these special effects models he left behind. They were recently photographed by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). Here is the Apollo 11 set:

Most Directors would have been content to use a large sound stage, but Kubrick insisted on shooting on location. One anonymous source, claiming to be a member of Kubrick’s film crew for the moon project, has claimed that the Director insisted on shooting on the Lunar surface “Because he wanted to get the light just right.” The alleged cameraman has also stated that setting up the sets and operating the cameras in the harsh Lunar environment was extremely difficult, but as they were being paid more than double union scale it was well worth it.

Kubrick also insisted on building new sets for the later Apollo shoots, claiming that reusing the Apollo 11 set would lead to a lack of nuance between shoots.

Here is Kubrick’s Apollo 12 set:

Unfortunately the Apollo 13 shoot turned into a disaster. The principle shooting was very arduous, and then most of the Lunar surface footage was severely damaged by radiation from a Solar flare. Kubrick tried to fix the project in editing, but in the end he simply wasn’t satisfied with the result. He convinced a reluctant NASA to change the project to a rescue thriller, since most of the orbital photography was still usable and they could do most of the new lines with simple voiceovers. The project sold better than expected, but Kubrick was still disappointed about the ruined footage, as well as the several members of his film crew who died during production.

The Apollo 14 shoot was much easier and quicker, as they simply re-used the Apollo 13 set and re-recorded the dialog with the new Astronaut-Actors.

Here is the renamed set for the Apollo 14 shoot:

The tracks visible in the picture were caused by the film crew travelling to the set, as they landed a short distance away from the set to avoid damaging the fairly fragile models. Kubrick incorporated one of the camera carts into the shooting as a Lunar Rover to account for the film crews tracks.

But despite the success of the Apollo 14 project, Kubrick was getting bored with the whole NASA contract. He wanted to add a subplot involving a love triangle charged with sexual tension between the Apollo 15 Astronauts for the next shoot, but the NASA bureaucrats simply wouldn’t go for it.

For the Apollo 16 shoot Kubrick tried to sell a poignant story about a crash on the Lunar dark side, but NASA wouldn’t approve actually killing the Astronauts. Kubrick insisted that the deaths, while tragic, were artistically necessary to the plot, but NASA wouldn’t budge. The Director was furious about the obstructionist role NASA had assumed, but decided to continue with the next Apollo project, already deep in pre-production.

For the Apollo 17 shoot Kubrick decided to tone down the testosterone level by adding a woman scientist to the story. He was also hoping to sway NASA by pitching a more low brow concept that would have broader appeal to the flagging American audience.

Kubrick’s script was centered on the character of Dr. Sandra Goodacre, a marine biologist coming to terms with her place in the Universe while investigating the lost seas of the Moon. Kubrick also told the NASA bigwigs that she would have really big boobs which he said “Would look really amazing in the low Lunar gravity!” NASA told him that they would consider it.

Kubrick’s vision was not to be.

A week before shooting was scheduled to start NASA gave him a revised script, throwing the Director into a renewed rage. Kubrick’s reaction was remembered by a friend who would later relay the director’s profound disappointment. “Those bloody bastards axed Sandra!” shouted the Director, “Now I’m stuck with some Geologist schmuck named Harrison Goddamned Schmitt, and all he freaking does is pick up rocks and shit!”

Kubrick shot the Apollo 17 project, mostly due to legal considerations, but he would never again speak to anyone at NASA.

NASA still had three full-sized Saturn V props left, and they seriously considered producing more Apollo projects, even starting preliminary talks with David Lean as the new Director.

But politics would intervene.

Richard Nixon, needing to make budget cuts to continue funding the Vietnamese War, cancelled the entire Apollo project. Nixon was also apparently disappointed about not getting to see the footage of the “Moon-whale babe”, but that was almost certainly a minor factor in his decision.

No major film Director has been to the Moon since.

This answer is dedicated to my stepfather Andre, who passed away last Thursday. I hope he would have chuckled while reading it.

Rest well Andre

This article was republished from Quora.com with Mr. Gemain's consent.

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