November 14, 2017

Louis C.K.: "Meat Beat Manifesto Made Me Do It"


HOLLYWOOD, CA—The rise of sexual allegations in Hollywood are not to be joked about; the serious matter has been ruining celebrities left and right from the likes of Kevin Spacey to Harvey Weinstein with many men and women coming forward to address these horrible situations. It was not surprising to see the crude comedian Louis C.K. come forward and state that the allegations of sexual harassment bestowed unto him by five women are true. However, we have an inside scoop from an anonymous source who states that they know why Louis C.K. committed such defiling acts.

When questioned about his acts of perversion, Louis C.K. told our source, "Meat Beat Manifesto made me do it."

Louis C.K. went on to describe his love for the infamous post-industrial and experimental project. He said he loved them so much he took the name of the project literally and therefore went on his own Meat Beating Manifesto. Our source claimed that Louis C.K. went on to say, "Well, since I followed the name of the band like a manifesto, I took it to heart. I would go around masturbating in front of as many people as I could. My dog, my co-workers; hell, I even masturbated on the phone with my father-in-law once."

While Louis C.K. has admitted to his acts of perversion he has yet to come forward and actually talk about his intense obsession with this industrial act. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have one, Louis, so you ought to reveal this to the world next. I would not be surprised if he was also a fan of Revolting Cocks, but that's another theory for another day.

We have reached out to Louis C.K. for comment but his answering machine only brought us to sounds of further intense masturbation, a thought we will not be able to shake out of our heads for the next while.

November 8, 2017

Nivek Ogre of Skinny Puppy, ohGr Set to Star in Shrek The Musical


BROADWAY, NY—Nivek Ogre, the legendary frontman of Skinny Puppy and ohGr, has announced that he will be starring in the latest round of the musical adaptation of DreamWorks' Shrek. Though Ogre has previous film experience and shows interest in cinema, no one expected him to announce his involvement in Shrek the Musical.

"DreamWorks first contacted me about two or three months ago and said they would be ecstatic to have an Ogre play Shrek. After all, they did not want to be accused of cultural appropriation. I tried telling them that I wasn't an actual ogre, but they wouldn't listen. At least I'll get to write the music for the film," recounted Ogre.

Nivek Ogre is planning on writing out an electro-industrial album for the musical. If all goes well he did say he was planning on releasing a 2xLP limited edition version for the soundtrack of Shrek: The Electro-Industrial Musical.

The latest tour of the musical staring Ogre as the green ogre is set to start in spring of 2018 with further co-stars yet to be announced.

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