November 7, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sessions Firing


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

"At your request I am submitting my resignation," he wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly.

Matthew Whitaker will take over as acting attorney general, the President said.

Whitaker is expected to take charge of the the Russia investigation and special counsel Robert Mueller from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein.

"We are pleased to announce that Matthew G. Whitaker, Chief of Staff to Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the Department of Justice, will become our new Acting Attorney General of the United States. He will serve our Country well ...We thank Attorney General Jeff Sessions for his service, and wish him well! A permanent replacement will be nominated at a later date," Trump tweeted.

The move is an abrupt end to what had been a tumultuous tenure for Sessions, originally one of Trump's earliest and most loyal surrogates as an Alabama Republican senator. He was a key figure in implementing Trump's vision for America. But even as he continued to carry out the Trump agenda, his relationship with the President remained strained and fraught for months.

November 3, 2018

Tim Sköld of Skold Scolds Skold Manager for Scolding Sköld's Golden Retriever


GOTHENBURG, SE—Tim Sköld of Skold reportedly scolded his band Skold's manager for scolding Sköld's golden retriever for attempting to cuddle with the man.

"You don't scold a dog like that. Who doesn't want puppy cuddles? It's just cold," said Tim Sköld of Skold.

"He really ripped into him. It was gold. I almost rolled on the floor laughing," we were told by one of Sköld's stylists, Cole Daniels.

The manager has reportedly agreed to cuddle with Sköld's golden retriever next time like he was told.

October 4, 2018

How to Spot a Fake Goth


It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

  • Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
  • When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
  • Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
  • They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
  • They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
  • Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
  • They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
  • Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
  • When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
  • When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.
When in doubt, knock them out.

October 3, 2018

Industrial Shirts on Redbubble.com


Redbubble.com has something for everyone—even rivet heads. Turns out, there's a huge selection of Industrial-related shirts as well as EBM-related shirts. Just search "industrial music," "ebm," "electronic music," or your favorite band to see what they have. They're not lame either. There's a sick, full-print Laibach shirt I kind of want, and I'm not even that much of a Laibach fan. Father's day is coming up, and my old man is fond of the old men of industrial.

Also, check out their new Halloween collection here.

Musicians, they've got stuff for you too. Wear a MicroKorg One on your chest, and let everyone know you're a synth addict. There's plenty more synthesizer and gear designs too.

Ok, yes, we're getting paid for this post and will get a commission if you buy anything after clicking on these links or pictures, but that doesn't change the fact that some of this stuff is pretty awesome. There's no reason we both can't benefit from this.


We were compensated for this post. This post also contains affiliate links and we will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on our links.

September 19, 2018

Shiv-R Puts Jacket On, No Longer Cold


MELBOURNE, AU—It would be hard to convince anyone that an Australian native would be cold considering the beaming rays of sun that cook the surface of the land Down Under, but for two men this is a sad reality they have to live with. Until recently, they've been unaware of a common remedy.

The industrial and dark electro producers behind Shiv-R, Pete Crane and Ben Bulig, have had their fight against their cold state well documented since the initiation of their project. The name of their band is a play on the word "shiver" and showcases their struggle to get warm. Though the sun always strikes down upon them, the two musicians have always found themselves walking in a sunny winter wonderland, and they cannot shake that feeling off of themselves.

This is before they discovered jackets, an invention that is hardly known to Australian natives due to the weather and deserts that surround them. A Riveting News field team was in Melbourne when one of our reporters asked a random man on the street what a jacket was, and he replied, "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, mate. I don't even know who you are. Or what you're wearing. You're a freak. Get outta here."

When introduced to jackets, they were at first skeptical and scared, they were soon coaxed into wearing the jackets. As their feeble and shivering hands slid into the jacket and after their bodies, Crane and Bulig were no longer cold.

In a closed interview afterwards, Shiv-R has announced they would soon start a new side-project called Sweat-N in reference to their newfound love and cure for the shivers.

June 19, 2018

Homophobic Leæther Strip Fan Completely Clueless


DURHAM, NC—38-year-old Ken Cosgrove is a self described "Leæther Head" obsessed with all things Leæther Strip and Klutæ. Conversely, he is also a raging homophobe who regularly posts videos of himself burning pride flags.

I first found Cosgrove when a Facebook friend shared a video of a man burning a rainbow flag and chanting, "F**s must die." As I watched in disgust, I noticed he was wearing what looked like a Japanese Bodies t-shirt. There was certainly a story there. After reaching out to him, Cosgrove agreed to sit down for a brief interview. Before I had a chance to ask him to share a little about his stance on homosexuality and the industrial scene, he offered it unprompted.

"Industrial bands these days are a bunch of queer kids wearing makeup like f**s. Who knows what's going on with them. I can't fucking stand f******s," explained Cosgrove, "but then you have Leæther Strip. Claus is a fuckin' Alpha, dude. I bet he slays mad chicks."

When asked about the lyrics of songs like "Invade My Body," Cosgrove claimed that the song was "obviously sung from the point of view of all the chicks he's always railing."

When asked about Claus' penchant for wearing leather dungeon straps around his chest on stage, Cosgrove replied, "Yeah, so did He-Man, and he was as manly as they come."

FInally, I asked Cosgrove if he thought Claus Larsen was a "man's man." He responded, "Oh, definitely," and then added, "What's with all these questions anyway? What are you trying to get at? I'm not a fuckin' f*****t, bro. I'll fuckin' knock you out."

I opted not to let Dan in on the non-secret. I think we can all relate to discovering that an artist we look up to isn't what we'd thought they were and how devastating a realization that can be. He was happy in his ignorance, and though hateful people don't deserve happiness, Claus and Kurt certainly deserve this scumbag's money.

June 13, 2018

Study: Is Eating Ass Goth?

NEWBURY, CT—It seems that eating ass has become the latest sexual trend in recent years with many, many millennials constantly posting, asking, and wondering about the infatuation. Researchers across the world are stumped as to how and why this has become such a trend considering, as one anonymous source put, "Literal shit comes from the anus. You are eating shit when you eat ass." Editor's note: That's what baby wipes are for.

But there is one question lingering in the air that has yet to be answered by our little, dark, narrow scene: Is eating ass considered to be Goth? We at Riveting News, your number one legitimate source for all things dark and electronic, are here to answer that question.

Our investigation led us to the household of Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker, a sexual deviant and someone who has gotten her asshole licked by big tongues, small tongues, fat tongues, and flat tongues. When we first knocked on the door Nightfaery groaned, "Not you fucking guys again." But after offering to pay her in coffee and cigarettes, she reluctantly let us in.

As we sat on the couch with one too many noticeable stains on it, Nightfaery answered our question to the best of her knowledge, "Josh Ravenblood, my boyfriend, has always called my butthole 'the batcave'. When I tell people about that they're thinking it's a batman reference. But it's not. We're talking about actual bats here."

Ravenblood was listening in on the conversation next to his girlfriend, and added, "She's eaten my ass out for the past ten nights. And, I mean, if you think about it, the butthole never sees sunlight, and neither do Goths."

Nightfaery finished out by saying, "So, yeah, I mean... I guess eating ass is Goth."

Though these are just two of the many opinions that are in the Goth scene, the discussion can still move forward with the many make-up artists, musicians, and BDSM performers within the Goth scene. We at Riveting News say that eating ass is GOTH, as it always has been. So eat ass to your heart's content!

May 22, 2018

Taylor Swift Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas


NASHVILLE, TN—Let's say she recorded an industrial album featuring a single about her breakup with pop-country. That should work, right? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Swift says something about being sick of the vapid world of pop stardom and how her handlers never let her smear black grease paint on her neck before going on stage. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of did. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Taylor has found her true calling. I'm honored to be working with her, bla bla bla." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind her. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Taylor Swift on our website in order to pump out another article.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

May 20, 2018

EXCLUSIVE: Stream the New Nine Inch Nails Before Official Release



The forthcoming Nine Inch Nails album "Bad Witch" is said to be Trent Reznor's best work to datenin
Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below.


May 10, 2018

WATCH: Exclusive Footage of Caustic Performing on Grendel's Severed Nations Tour


MADISON, WI—On a cool Wednesday night in downtown Madison, Grendel was in town for the most recent stop on their Severed Nations Tour with Ghostfeeder and Peter Turns Pirate. Proud wearer of the industrial dunce cap, Caustic, took the stage after a stellar opening performance by Conformco. Reporter Dick Wrigley was on location to shoot exclusive footage of Caustic's set. Warning: Not suitable for mature viewers

May 3, 2018

Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"


BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."

April 28, 2018

Ailing Cyber Goth Booted into Safe Mode

LANCASTER, UK—It all started with delayed stomping that didn't match the beat. A once energetic cyber goth girl eventually came to a nearly complete standstill before falling to the ground and convulsing.

"After a few minutes, she sat up. Her eyes were half open, and she just sat there. She didn't move or say anything," recounted one witness.

That's when the bartender called IT. 34-year-old Travis Brenten, a certified cyber goth technician, arrived shortly and started with the basics: Unplugging all peripherals and turning her off and back on again. When she failed to boot, Brenten decided to check the girl's phone for any emergency contacts in hopes of finding someone with a recovery disc. Unfortunately, the phone required a pass code, making it impossible. That's when the experience tech decided to try booting into Safe Mode.

"My main concern was that she wouldn't [boot into Safe Mode]. Fortunately, she did, and I was able to run a memory scan and chkdsk but it took forever," recalled Brenten.

Three hours and ten cigarettes later, the scan stalled at 98%. Not wanting to waste anymore time, Brenten opted to replace the malfunctioning cyber goth with a nearby wallflower.

"She wasn't doing anything anyway. She was a bit apprehensive, but I installed a few more drinks, and she was able to get out there," Brenten explained.

Once the new girl was in place, the lights were brought back down; the DJ pressed play and resumed pretending to press buttons and move faders. Brenten carried the malfunctioning girl out to his van and left.

DJ Gizmotron later expressed his frustration with the ordeal, "It was pretty inconvenient. We couldn't use the dance floor while he was working on her, so no one got any stomping done. I had a huge set list I needed to get through before bar time, and I missed my deadline."

Throughout the night, the girl's cousin frantically insisted that the episode was related to her diabetes, but this claim has not been substantiated.

April 20, 2018

Obnoxious Industrial Fan Creates Fake News Site to Amuse Self, Four Others


INDUSTRIAL, WV—An industrial fan identifying himself only as "Dick Wrigley" has created a website called Riveting News in a low-brow attempt to lampoon the industrial scene. The site features made up articles with headlines often described on Reddit as "low hanging fruit." Sources say the second person to like the online publication's Facebook page was the man's girlfriend, who only did so out of perceived obligation.

According to Google Analytics, the only visitors are the writers who regularly visit the site to scroll through and admire their cleverness. The website displays multiple flashing ads that have raked in a reported $0.27 over the past year. It also features a link to a webstore full of mostly black T-shirts with asinine phrases in grungy fonts.

For more information about this useless website, visit their about page.

April 15, 2018

Industrial Band Breaks New Ground By Releasing Anti-Trump Song


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass has broken new ground in the industrial scene by releasing an anti-Trump song. Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, has faced little to no artistic backlash since he took office in 2017. Frontman Scario Maclaver has decided to change this with a new single that will surely impact the world of politics.

"I don't know, man. I only see nothing but good things about Donald Trump. Nobody ever talks shit on him. It's almost as if they're afraid. But we're not. That's why we're releasing this song," stated Maclaver when interviewed.

The song itself titled "Bigly Pig" focuses on Trump's irrational policies, constantly changing demeanor, outrageous Twitter rants, and child-like behavior. "It's a full-fledged verbal and noisy assault on Donald Trump. This is going to make history. This song will make Trump rethink everything he has done so far," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver also said that while the inflammatory song is against Trump, they refuse to hate anyone else in the Trump organization. "Have you ever seen Melania? I'd let her spank me and call me a bitch," stated Maclaver in an unprompted comment that made me end the interview.

"Bigly Pig" is due out this upcoming weekend so keep an eye out for the new single that, as stated before, will be the first of its kind.

March 28, 2018

Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross


BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

March 22, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following McMaster Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Little more than a week after the firing of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, Gen. H. R. McMaster, the battle-tested Army officer tapped as President Trump’s national security adviser last year to stabilize a turbulent foreign policy operation, will resign and be replaced by John R. Bolton, a hard-line former United States ambassador to the United Nations, White House officials said Thursday.

General McMaster will retire from the military, the officials said. He has been discussing his departure with President Trump for several weeks, they said, but decided to speed up his departure, in part because questions about his status were casting a shadow over his conversations with foreign officials.

This story is still developing. Check back for future details.

March 21, 2018

Addict Sells Vintage Collection of Methamphetamine to Pay for Synth Habit


BIRMINGHAM, AL—It's no secret that synthesizer addiction is quickly becoming a national epidemic. The actions of one addict, Bradley Taylor, 34, has made it clear that the trend shows no sign of slowing down. After an unsuccessful intervention staged by his friends and family, Taylor agreed to open up about the terrible disease he is not yet ready to address.

"I remember when I first tuned in," said the fixed-pitch virtual analog user, but like most synthetic users, he quickly escalated. "I needed something purer, and I moved on to actual analog," Taylor explained. "It's just that, stepped filters weren't cutting it for me. The MicroKorg was a terrible gateway. I quickly began looking for things to sell to afford my addiction—and eventuall turned to my vintage collection of methamphetamine."

The methamphetamine in question once belonged to Taylor's late grandfather, Darryl Taylor who died in a meth lab explosion in a shed located on his property. After years of remaining hidden in a stainless steel Kiss thermos under the sink, Taylor's father discovered the antique narcotics while fixing a clogged drain, and later willed it to his son after losing a long battle with colon cancer.

While Taylor has noticed changes in his personal health, including more regular blood pressure, improved sleep, and an overall sense of fulfillment, he still misses his vintage collection of individually bagged grams of crank. Towards the end f our interviews, the crazed addict began frantically searching his living room for other items to pawn in support of his habit, and threatened this publication with paranoid analog-drift delusions.

Interview conducted by Kevin Barron of Cyanotic.

March 13, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Tillerson Firing


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of Secretary of State Rex Willerson's ousting, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

In the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings, President Donald Trump has removed him as Secretary of State and replaced him with current CIA Director Mike Pompeo, after months of speculation surrounding Tillerson's role in the Trump administration, a fact that Tillerson found out at the same time as the public.

Mr. Trump tweeted the news of Tillerson's ouster, thanking Tillerson for his service.



Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!
Before the president's tweet, the Washington Post first reported news of Tillerson's firing.

As Mr. Trump departed for a California trip Tuesday morning, he told reporters that he and Tillerson "disagree on things," and he singled out the Iran nuclear deal as an issue.

February 5, 2018

Goth Kid's Mom Forgets Count Chocula Again


PICTURED: Hunched over a bowl of generic corn flakes, 15-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson says he knows for a fact he told his mom to pick up a box of his favorite cereal.

WATERFORD, CT—It seemed as if it were a regular Monday morning just like any other. Around 6:45 AM, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson woke up for school immediately craving his favorite cereal as a vampire would lust for blood. After getting dressed and applying his makeup, Hanson walked down stairs and went into the kitchen.

"The first thing I did was grab a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher. I was supposed to put them away last night, but I don't even care. Then I got the milk out of the fridge. Oh, and she got 1% again, which is a whole other thing. I set it all on the table and went to the pantry to get some Count Chocula, because I know I told my mom we were out before she went to the store yesterday."

That's when everything came crashing down. There was no box of Count Chocula. Instead, there was only an old box of corn flakes, and a new, unopened box of Froot Loops. Hanson's mom had forgotten the dark, sinister cereal.

"I was so pissed. My mom was in the bathroom so I yelled through the door like, 'Mom, where's the Count Chocula? Did you leave it in the van?' And she's like, 'Oh, sorry, Sweetie, I forgot.' She pulled this shit a few weeks ago too."

In that moment, Ravenblood—by which Hanson insisted we refer to him in this article—was speechless. Not only had Mrs. Hanson forgotten the Count Chocula, but she managed to remember Ravenblood's little sister's favorite cereal, Froot Loops.

"Mackenzie gets everything; it's bullshit. I can't eat fucking Froot Loops. They're made of bright colors, and just look at how happy that fucking toucan looks," explained Ravenbood.

When it was pointed out that Count Chocula is also smiling on the box, Ravenblood responded, "Yeah, but that's because he's, like, excited to bring the sweet embrace of death upon the living."

January 29, 2018

Founder of Cyber Goth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cyber goth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cyber Goth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cyber goth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cyber goth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cyber goth leg warmer rescue.

January 10, 2018

Orgy Covers New Order's "Blue Monday," Hopes Everyone Forgot They Did 20 Years Ago


SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has released a new single this week: another cover of New Order's classic "Blue Monday."

Orgy is best known for its first cover of New Order's "Blue Monday" in 1998. The song and music video gained heavy air play on both MTV and terrestrial radio, which lead to their debut album "Candyass" selling over two million copies. Since then, the band has been unable to top or recreate that original success. They finally made headlines again in 2013, this time for failing to reach their album's crowdfunding goal by $91,000.

When asked for comment, lead singer/songwriter, and only original member of Orgy, Jay Gordon stated, "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. That never happened. Why are you asking me about shit from 20 years ago anyway? I'm 32; how could I have a band when I was 8-years-old?"

But a moment later, "Look man, off the record," confessed Gordon without waiting for us to agree that this would be kept off the record, "I know we already covered this song. This isn't even a new recording. It's the same one. All I know is it's the only God damn thing that ever made me any money, and I burned through that a long time ago. I also know that if I don't show up in Malibu this summer with a jet ski, all of my boys and that hot, young trim are going to think I'm an asshole. Gordon went on to say, "Look man we tried crowdfunding... touring... do you have any idea how much fucking glitter eye shadow I own? I am 50-fucking-years-old, man, and I wear vinyl pants every fucking day. So I'm gonna catch motherfucking lightning in a bottle again and get me a Yamaha VX1050A-RB in red."

When asked for comment, former Orgy and current Julien-K members Amir Derakh and Ryan Shuck said, “No comment,” after several minutes of uninterrupted laughter.

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