May 22, 2018

Taylor Swift Releases Industrial Album, Riveting News Out of Ideas


NASHVILLE, TN—Let's say she recorded an industrial album featuring a single about her breakup with pop-country. That should work, right? Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

The new album will be produced by Trent Reznor someone more industrial like Ogre or Alexis whatever from 3Teeth; they've got a lot of buzz right now. Is the T supposed to be capitalized? I've seen it both ways.

Swift says something about being sick of the vapid world of pop stardom and how her handlers never let her smear black grease paint on her neck before going on stage. Maybe Photoshop the picture to reflect that. Or not. The simplicity could help sell the idea that we didn't put any effort into this one even though we actually kind of did. After all, the real joke is in the meta self deprecation. You know someone's gonna leave a Facebook comment about how meta this is. Probably Kevin again. Remember to make him write another article. That meth-synth story was gold. Plus, then we get to name drop Cyanotic just like I am right now. Whoa. This is a rabbit hole.

Ooh! Gary Numan! Have him be involved somehow. His last two albums were amazing. Maybe a quote from him like, "I'm so glad Taylor has found her true calling. I'm honored to be working with her, bla bla bla." Or better yet, Andy from Combichrist. The post will get a boost from everyone shitting on Combichrist in the comments. God, I feel like this is so easy sometimes.

Four or five paragraphs should be enough. No one reads the stories anyway. Headline+Pic=Share. How hilarious would it be if they don't even realize what any of this is? I mean, the headline should pique their interest though. Oh, and put our rivet pattern background behind her. It'll be like a representation of how we're just slapping Taylor Swift on our website in order to pump out another article.

P.S. Does a P.S. make sense in an article? This kind of comes off as an internal memo anyway, right? Let's copy paste this whole thing, replace Swift with Trump, and publish it in a few months. Boom. That was just a joke, but now I think we should really do it just in case one person remembers this. Include this paragraph verbatim without replacing her name. I'm way too amused by the fact that this is the sixth paragraph when earlier I said four or five.

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3 comments:

  1. 💙 everything about this article!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's kinda like that onion article where Taylor Swift really gets into Throbbing Gristle. :\

    ReplyDelete

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