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Mall Santa Confesses to Being One True Santa, 14 Murders

CHESTNUT GROVE, NC—A beloved mall Santa has left a community awestruck by revealing a closely guarded secret: He is the one true Santa Claus and committed a string of grisly murders in 1971. What began as a whimsical tale turned into a holiday miracle and then a horrifying tale when an independent investigation supported his extraordinary claim.

The announcement came during a routine visit from children eager to share their Christmas wishes with Santa. With a twinkle in his eye and a hushed, somewhat creepy tone, the mall Santa confessed, "I just can't bear to keep it a secret any longer; I am the real Santa Claus. I am also the Kringle Killer." The revelation, initially met with a mix of nervous laughter and disbelief, soon became the talk of the town.

Local news outlets and curious residents scrambled to uncover the truth behind the mall Santa's extraordinary assertion. A team of independent investigators, led by renowned mythologist Dr. Emily Harris and Agent Bill Miller of the FBI, embarked on a mission to verify the authenticity of this festive yet sickening bombshell.

After weeks of meticulous research, the investigators uncovered a trail of historical records, eyewitness accounts, unexplained phenomena, and mitochondrial DNA that linked to the mall Santa's past. Dr. Harris, visibly astonished by her findings, declared, "The evidence is overwhelming. This man, who has brought joy to countless children over the years, is indeed the real Santa Claus." Added Agent Miller, "It would also appear that he brutally murdered over a dozen people."

The records revealed a pattern of inexplicable events surrounding the mall Santa, such as time-defying travel patterns and firsthand testimonies from individuals who claimed to have witnessed both magical and violent occurrences. Dr. Harris emphasized that the evidence was consistent with centuries-old legends surrounding Santa Claus. Agent Miller stated that DNA evidence collected with the help of Interpol has linked the man to multiple unsolved fatal stabbings involving a sharpened candy cane. The stabbings all occurred during an 8 hour window spreading across the globe, none of which had been previously linked to the others by any law enforcement agencies. An internet urban legend, however, has for years claimed that four murders in the Baltic region were committed by one perpetrator dubbed The Kringle Killer.

As the news spread throughout Chestnut Grove and beyond, the town's residents found themselves at the center of a holiday fairy tale and horror story. Families marveled at the realization that their local mall Santa had been the real deal all along as well as a dangerous psychopath, embodying the spirit of Christmas in ways they never imagined.

In a press conference, Agent Miller read a statement from the now-confirmed Santa Claus/Kringle Killer in which he addressed the community, expressing gratitude for their continued belief in the magic of Christmas. "I've been honored to bring joy to this community and beyond. Your belief in the spirit of Christmas has made my journey all the more magical, and I am deeply ashamed of my actions that night in 1971."

As the holiday season reaches its peak, Chestnut Grove finds itself forever etched in the annals of Christmas lore, having hosted the real Santa Claus and simultaneously a brutal spree killer their local mall. The enchanting yet horrifying revelation has both rekindled the magic of the season and brought closure to the families of the deceased while leaving residents of a small town with a newfound sense of wonder and terror.


Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime


The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.

Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns as cream filled long johns. Do you know how devastating an experience that is? It's a God damn travesty that will ruin your entire day. It's upsetting to the point that I've started breaking them in half before I buy them. This practice has saved me from further heartache twice already. And you've no idea how hard it is to not throw half an actually not cream filled donut at the nearest sky blue shirt and scream.

Some or maybe all of you might be thinking, "Relax, it's just a donut, and maybe stop eating so many donuts."

And to that I say, "No."

The issue is not as simple as just not getting the item you paid for. Eating a cream filled long john is a very specific experience: First you bite into one end—unless you're a complete psychopath, then maybe you eat your long johns like corn on the cob; I don't know. For whatever reason, I started writing this in second person, and I believe in consistency (unlike some gas stations). So, you start eating your donut and you're (probably) not a psycho, so the first couple bites are plain donut. That's normal. But, oh, you know it's coming. Soon you'll get to taste that rich cream. No, that's 100% your own brain making this weird, so just stop it; I'm trying to tell a story.

The anticipation is part of the experience. You don't actually know on which bite you will finally get to the cream, but you know and trust that eventually you will. When you finally do, you take note of how soon or late you got to the cream, and in that instant, in some small way, you relive every other cream filled long john you've ever eaten. And now, as you're into the cream bites, you know they will end soon, and you'll be left with regular donut once again. This is a sad reality you accept, and it makes you appreciate every cream filled bite so much more. Or maybe you're a fucking wild man, and as soon as you hit cream, you flip that sucker around and start from the other end so you can end on cream. I'm not judging. That's a life of decadence few dare to live, so you fuckin' go for it.

Eating a cream filled long john is a delicious roller coaster. Now imagine you're on a roller coaster that never reaches the top of that first suspenseful incline; it just keeps going. That's what happens when some total dick head puts a regular long john on the cream filled long john tray. On bite three, you're like, "Aw, damn. Probably not much in this one. I hope it's just off center and goes all the way to the end," because you're still excited and full of hope. Bite four, it's starting to hit you: the possibility that life is not what you thought—not what you were promised. You half know you're full of shit when you think to yourself, "Maybe there's at least a little at the end."

Then you take your fifth bite of the very obviously just a regular fucking donut that some asshole put on the cream filled tray. You realize that you've just eaten most of a perfectly good regular donut, but you didn't get to appreciate it for what it was, because you thought it was something else. And that's what's so truly heinous about this whole thing. Not only do you not get to enjoy the donut you wanted, but now you didn't get to enjoy the donut you had. God, that's fucking dark. I haven't seen the new Saw movie yet, but I guarantee you none of the traps are that fucked up. So now here you are with a few bites left of a completely normal donut you don't even want but could have wanted. Do you eat the last few bites and try to enjoy them for what they are, or will you throw it away, disappointed in everything and everyone in the world around you? Live or die, make your choice.


How to Disguise Needing a Drummer for Your Band as a Christmas Gift for Your Kid


Are you struggling to find a drummer for your band? Do you want to surprise your child with a meaningful gift this Christmas? Why not disguise your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your kid? In just a few easy steps, you can fill the vacant role in your band.

Step 1: Talk to Your Child

Do they have any interest in music? First and foremost, you've got to make sure that your offspring has a desire to create music. Be sure to repeatedly express how fun and fulfilling it is to be in a band. Withholding affection from your child may encourage them to jump at the chance to join your band if it means feeling closer to you.

Step 2: Research Drum Sets

Research drum sets and decide on a budget that works for you. Consider the level of skill you're looking for in a drummer and the type of music you want to play. Look for beginner sets that are the right size for your child.

Step 3: Buy the Drum Set

Purchase the drum set and wrap it up as a Christmas gift for your child. Make sure to emphasize how excited you are to see them play and how proud you are of their musical talent.

Step 4: Plan a Jam Session

After your child has opened their gift, plan a jam session with them. Set up the drum set and play some music together. This is a great opportunity to show your child some of that affection you've been withholding until this point. Let them know how proud you are of their excitement for music. This should instill in them a desire to bond with you over your shared passion.

Step 5: Mention Your Band

As you're jamming, casually mention your band and how you've been having trouble finding a drummer. Ask your child if they know anyone who might be interested in playing with you. This conversation should feel natural and not like you're forcing them into anything. If the aforementioned emotional blackmail had been executed correctly, they will jump at the chance to become your new drummer and even believe it was their idea.

Conclusion:

Disguising your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your child can be a creative and thoughtful solution to a common problem for bands. It's a win-win situation for both you and your child, as you get to fulfill your musical dreams, and your child gets a new instrument to play with while getting the approval they crave.

Artoffact Records Signs Industrial Supergroup: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin


In a bold move that promises to reshape the landscape of industrial music, Artoffact Records has officially signed a powerhouse collaboration comprising four pedophiles: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin. The announcement of the new group, Pred8turs, has sent shockwaves through the industrial scene.

Mr. Kitty: A Pioneer in Synthwave Mastery

Renowned for his mastery in the synthwave genre, Mr.Kitty brings a wealth of electronic expertise to the collaboration. With a discography that has garnered a dedicated global following, his atmospheric and emotive soundscapes are expected to add a distinctive layer to the group's sonic palette. This will be be first foray back into the music scene since 2021, when it was revealed that he had knowingly traded sexually explicit photos and videos with a 15-year-old boy.

Mangadrive: Pushing the Boundaries of Cyberpunk Electronica

Mangadrive, a trailblazer in cyberpunk electronica, promises an infusion of futuristic beats and experimental sounds. The artist's ability to craft immersive, dystopian soundscapes is anticipated to provide a unique flavor to the industrial supergroup. Though Bee Teknofiend is the least established of the quartet, he is also the only member of the group who can boast being a registered sex offender stemming from a 2018 child pornography arrest.

Dahvie Vanity: Controversial Figure, Dynamic Performer

Known for his controversial presence in the music scene, Dahvie Vanity adds a dynamic and unpredictable element to the collaboration. With a history in the alternative and electronic scenes, his vocal prowess and stage charisma are poised to contribute a provocative edge to the group's collective identity. His pattern of grooming and sexually assaulting underage fans for over a decade is sure to make their first tour a memorable one.

Sin Quirin: Guitar Virtuosity in Industrial Metal

As the former guitarist for industrial metal giants Ministry, Sin Quirin brings a heavy, guitar-driven dimension to the supergroup. His experience in shaping the sonic landscapes of one of industrial music's pioneering bands ensures a solid foundation for the amalgamation of styles within the collaboration. Moreover, his ability to keep his sexual relationships with underage fans under wraps for most of his career could help ensure the band's longevity.

Artoffact Records: Profits Preempting Preteen Protection

Artoffact Records, known for its commitment to pushing musical boundaries and looking the other way, has once again positioned itself as a catalyst for innovation. By bringing together these diverse artists with a common predilection for sex with minors, the record label demonstrates a dedication to fostering creativity, pushing the evolution of industrial music into uncharted territory, and continuing to platform child sex abusers.

Anticipating the Unpredictable: What Lies Ahead

The fusion of Mr. Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin is bound to produce a sonic tapestry that defies legal conventions. Fans and critics alike are left to wonder about the unprecedented amalgamation of synthwave, cyberpunk electronica, alternative, and industrial metal. As the industrial supergroup sets out on this musical odyssey, the world watches with bated breath, eager to witness the birth of a new era in industrial music dominated by pedophiles.

Rookie Sound Guy Pleased to be Getting Thumbs Up From Singer


CHICAGO, IL—In a heartwarming moment that unfolded at The Metro, a rookie sound engineer found himself basking in the limelight as he received a thumbs-up of approval from the lead singer of the headline band during their performance. The incident transpired during an electrifying performance that left both the audience and the sound engineer in awe.

The music venue, known for hosting a myriad of emerging and established talents, witnessed this remarkable interaction that instantly became the talk of the town. As the evening progressed, the audience was treated to an unforgettable show by the headlining band, Antonym, known for their infectious brand of industrial ebm and energetic live performances.

In the midst of this musical extravaganza, the spotlight momentarily shifted backstage to the sound booth where Daniel Holtz, a recently hired rookie sound engineer, was meticulously handling the audio controls. Holtz, who had been working tirelessly to ensure the band's sound was flawless, was about to have his dedication recognized in the most unexpected way.

As Eli Vance, the charismatic frontman of Antonym, belted out a powerful scream, he noticed a subtle adjustment in his in-ear monitor mix that made his vocals soar even higher. With an infectious grin on his face, Vance turned to the sound booth and gave a resounding thumbs-up to the elated sound engineer.

The audience roared in celebration as they witnessed the touching exchange, fully aware that they were witnessing a career-defining moment for the novice sound engineer. It was a testament to the talent and dedication that often goes unnoticed behind the scenes, making the performance on stage possible.

Daniel Holtz, overwhelmed by the recognition from one of his musical idols, shared his thoughts on this unforgettable night. "I couldn't believe it when I saw him give me a thumbs-up. It's something I'll remember for the rest of my life. Working with such a talented band has been a dream come true, and this moment is beyond words. Way better than the band who opened for them. The guitarist just kept shrugging at me the whole time."

The heartening interaction has since gone viral on social media, with fans of  and music enthusiasts alike applauding both the lead singer's humility and the dedication of the rookie sound engineer. Many have praised the power of music to bring people together and create memorable experiences beyond the stage.

As the final notes of Antonym's performance resonated through the venue, it was clear that this night would be etched in the memory of all who were present. Daniel Holtz's thumbs-up moment serves as a reminder that even behind the scenes, passion, talent, and hard work can lead to extraordinary moments in the world of music.

Five Star Italian Restaurant Sues Deconbrio for Trademark Infringement


KNOXVILLE, TN—The harmonious world of music and culinary delights has taken an unexpected twist as the renowned industrial rock band Deconbrio finds itself entangled in a legal dispute with an unlikely opponent: a luxurious 5-star Italian restaurant bearing the same name. The restaurant, known for its exquisite cuisine and upscale ambiance, alleges that the band's use of the name infringes upon their established trademark, setting the stage for a legal showdown.

Deconbrio, the band founded in 2000, has carved a niche for itself in the music industry with its distinctive blend of electronic and industrial rock. Over the years, they've garnered a loyal fan base and recognition for their intense live performances and thought-provoking lyrics. However, the band now faces a different kind of challenge, one that has them trading their guitars and microphones for legal briefs.

The 5-star Italian restaurant, Deconbrio, located in the heart of San Diego, CA, has enjoyed a reputation as a culinary destination, frequented by food enthusiasts and celebrities alike. With a menu boasting exquisite dishes crafted by renowned chefs and an opulent setting, the restaurant has become synonymous with fine dining and sophistication.

The restaurant's management claims that they registered the name "Deconbrio" as a trademark for their establishment in 1998 and have maintained this trademark ever since. Their argument centers around potential confusion among customers who may mistake the band for the restaurant, leading to loss of business and reputational damage. In their lawsuit, they assert that Deconbrio, the band, is infringing upon their intellectual property rights.

Deconbrio has indirectly responded to the allegations in a recent Facebook post asking, "How could there be any confusion? I've never had anyone come to the merch table asking for linguini. I'd love to know how often the maƮtre d' is asked to play Like You Mean It."

Legal experts weigh in on the situation, noting that trademark infringement cases can be complex and often require a careful examination of the likelihood of consumer confusion and the strength of the trademark itself. The outcome of this legal battle will hinge on several factors, including the distinctiveness of the restaurant's trademark and the extent of the band's reach and recognition.

As the lawsuit unfolds, fans and legal observers alike will be watching closely to see whether Deconbrio, the band, will need to rebrand or negotiate a settlement with Deconbrio, the restaurant. This clash of names between the world of music and fine dining serves as a reminder of the importance of trademark protection and the potential pitfalls that can arise when names and identities overlap.

Cat on Synthesizer Can't Even Find Filter Cut Off Knob



The Riveting News investigative team has uncovered that most—if not all—of the adorable cats often pictured lounging on synthesizers are, in fact, not musical prodigies. Contrary to popular belief, these photogenic felines have been fooling the world with their seemingly innate ability to manipulate electronic instruments.

The viral trend of capturing cats in picturesque poses atop synthesizers gained immense popularity on social media platforms, with countless memes and videos showcasing the seemingly harmonious relationship between our furry companions and the world of electronic music. From casual lounging to pawing at keys, these images understandably led us all to believe that cats possessed an untapped musical talent.

However, recent investigations have debunked this myth, revealing that the cats' interactions with the synthesizers were mostly coincidental and unintentional. Expert animal behaviorists explain that while some cats may be drawn to the warmth and texture of synthesizer keys, their actions do not constitute any deliberate musical proficiency.

"We have observed that cats are naturally curious creatures, and they often investigate objects in their environment," says Dr. Emily Johnson, a renowned animal behaviorist. "I guess I can understand how the images of cats on synthesizers might give the impression of musical involvement, but it's important to remember that these animals are not intentionally creating music. They just like sitting on things higher than the ground. Actually, no, I don't understand. You seriously thought the implication of these photos was that the cats were playing music?"

The revelation has sparked mixed reactions from the Riveting News staff. Some users expressed disappointment, while others found humor in the realization that cats were not the unexpected musical maestros they appeared to be. One intern even claimed to have known all along, and has since been let go. Nonetheless, the images of cats on synthesizers continue to circulate, even as their musical prowess is questioned.

As the truth behind these viral images comes to light, other questions remain shrouded in darkness. Our team has yet to discover any explanation for how these fraudulent felines are getting into outer space. The EXIF data from many of these photos do not correspond to any known space flights. Regardless of who or what is allowing these cats to leave the planet, the lesson here is a reminder that not everything is as it seems on the internet. While cats may not be the next electronic music sensations, their charm and adorable antics continue to captivate audiences worldwide, proving once again that the internet's fascination with all things feline remains unwavering.

Sweat Boys Caught Dousing with Fake Sweat During Performance


LA CROSSE, WI—In a shocking turn of events, the once-revered band Sweat Boys, renowned for their high-energy live performances drenched in perspiration, has been caught red-handed in a deceptive act that has left their fan base reeling. It has been revealed that the band members, led by indefatigable frontman Benny Sweat, have been surreptitiously spraying themselves with water to feign their signature sweat-soaked appearance on stage.

Sweat Boys, known for their raucous EBM anthems and fervent stage presence, had long captivated audiences with their seemingly boundless energy and visible commitment to their music. The band's lead singer, Benny Sweat, in particular, has become synonymous with his dripping brow and glistening chest, becoming a symbol of their intense performances.

However, a recent onstage incident has shaken the foundation of their image. On the evening of their most recent concert with Choke Chain, Silver Walks, and Be Wary, an eagle-eyed audience member stumbled upon a scene that has since shattered the illusion. As the band prepared to play their third song of the evening, hidden away from prying eyes, Benny Sweat was seen kneeling behind the synth rack, his hand clutching a spray bottle of water. The witness, taken aback by the sight, quickly realized the shocking truth: The profuse sweat that had come to define Sweat Boys' stage presence was not entirely authentic.

It appears that for an undisclosed period of time, the band had been secretly dousing themselves with water in an effort to create the illusion of intense perspiration. The discovery has left fans both disillusioned and bewildered, questioning the authenticity of countless performances that had once held them spellbound.

Representatives of Sweat Boys have yet to release an official statement addressing the controversy. Fans are left wondering if the band will attempt to salvage their tarnished reputation or if this revelation will mark the end of an era for Sweat Boys.

In an industry where authenticity and connection with fans are paramount, the scandal serves as a stark reminder of the fine line between entertainment and deceit. As they grapple with this newfound revelation, one question still remains: If the sweat was fake, then where was the smell coming from?

Raymond Watts Retires Pig Due to Lack of Pig-Related Puns


LONDON, UK—Raymond Watts, the man behind the industrial rock band Pig, has announced that he is retiring the project after running out of pig-related puns with which to promote it.

For over 30 years, Pig has been creating and performing music that has gained a cult following. With their unique sound and style, Pig has stood out in the industrial rock scene with a penchant for pig puns, which have become a part of their branding and marketing.

From album titles like "A Stroll in the Pork," "Pigmata," and "The Swining" to song names like "Hamstrung on the Highway," Pig has always found a way to incorporate pig-related words and phrases into their work. This has undoubtedly helped the band stand out, but it seems that the well has run dry.

In an interview with Brutal Resonance, Watts stated, "It's just become too difficult to come up with new pig puns. I've been doing this for over 30 years, and I think I've exhausted every possible pig-related word or phrase. I don't want to keep repeating myself or recycling old puns. It's time to move on."

Watts went on to explain that he doesn't want to compromise the integrity of the band's work by forcing pig puns that don't work. He feels that it's better to end on a high note and retire the band than to continue and potentially dilute his legacy.

Fans of Pig are understandably disappointed by the news, but many are supportive of Watts' decision. Some have even come up with their own pig puns to show their appreciation for the band as a sort of conceptual crowdfunding.

It's always sad to see a band retire, but in this case, it's clear that it's for the best. Raymond Watts and Pig have left an indelible mark on the music world, and their legacy will live on through their music. While we may never hear another new pig pun from them, we can still enjoy their past work and appreciate the creativity and innovation they brought to the music industry.

PIG's official statement regarding the retirement contains one final pun which Watts claims to have been saving the pun for this exact occasion.

Everyone in Office Just Ignoring Velociraptor at Reception Desk


CHICAGO, IL—Though it continues to screech incessantly, everyone in the office is pretending not to notice the velociraptor at the reception desk.

The episode began when Lisa the Receptionist took the day off to visit family in Springfield. At 10:24 AM, a fully grown velociraptor from the Cretaceous period walked into the office and approached the vacant reception desk. While nearly every employee in the office is well-aware of the dinosaur's presence, no one has stepped up to handle the situation.

"I’m not dealing with that," said marketing assistant, Derek Kirkland. "I have actual work to get done; I don’t have time to play receptionist."

As of press time, the velociraptor had made its way into the office space, and a few employees have smiled at it while walking by.


Girl Smoking Outside Club Seemingly Compelled to Show, Explain Every Tattoo


As you step out of the club for a break from the pulsating blasts of EBM/Aggrotech/Neo-Folk Swingcore, you notice a girl smoking alone. She sees you glance at her tattooed arm and strikes up a conversation by complimenting yours. You thank her and start to criticize it as if you were your father and the bad tattoo on your arm represents every single one of your life choices, but before you can even get out the word "shading," she pulls up her sleeve and starts talking over you. OK, then. That's fine though, because you weren't really sure how you were going to end your sentence. After 10 years, you still haven't come up with anything you care enough about with which to cover said tattoo.

She tells you that she got her first tattoo when she was 18, and she’s been adding more and more ever since. She explains that each tattoo has a special meaning for her. The rose on her wrist is for her grandmother, who was always telling her to “stop and smell the roses.” The anchor on her bicep is for her grandfather, who was a sailor "in the marines." And the bird on her shoulder is for her best friend, who died tragically two years ago. Uh huh. Also the skulls represent something asinine, the pot leaf is self explanatory, and she just really likes Rick and Morty.

Every time you think she won't possibly lift her shirt any higher, she does. Why is this happening?

As she continues droning on and on, you can’t help but wonder if she's on drugs or just like this. Because if she has drugs, you might be willing to keep nodding along to this for a bit longer. Not too long though, or you run the risk of missing the headliner and ending up in a 6 year relationship you're ambivalent about with no idea how you let it get that far.

Suddenly, the door swings open, bringing a moment of intelligibility to the dull thumping that has up to this point been the soundtrack to your new hell. You're 80% sure it's the bassist of the opening band. They were just OK, but you needlessly overstate your appreciation for their set. Why do you always do that? Oh, thank God it is him; that would have been awkward.

"Thanks, this is actually our first show in a couple years," he says.

Now he's telling you about every single band they've ever opened for and trying to recall the exact dates and names of the tours. Awesome. Quick, pretend to get a phone call.

"Sorry, I've gotta take this," you say as you walk back into the loud venue, which makes absolutely no sense at all.

Taco Bell Introduces New Goth Wrap Supreme


In a bold move to capture the hearts and stomachs of the goth community, Taco Bell has introduced its latest menu item: the Goth Wrap Supreme.

According to the fast-food chain's press release, the Goth Wrap Supreme is a "dark and delicious" take on their classic wrap, filled with black beans, black rice, blackened chicken, and a special "goth sauce" made from crushed black garlic and squid ink.

"We're thrilled to bring this edgy new flavor profile to our customers," said a Taco Bell spokesperson. "We know the goth community has been clamoring for more representation in fast food, and we're happy to oblige."

The announcement has sparked mixed reactions online, with some praising Taco Bell for catering to a previously underserved market, while others are calling the move "cringey" and "blatant pandering."

One BlueSky Social user wrote, "As a goth, I appreciate the effort, but I think I'll stick to my black coffee and cigarettes."

Another commented, "Nice try, but the best goth meal is still Count Chocula."

Despite the criticism, Taco Bell says they're confident the Goth Wrap Supreme will be a hit with their customers.

"We're always looking for ways to innovate and stay ahead of the curve," said the spokesperson. "And if that means embracing the darker side of fast food, then so be it."

Five Ways to Improve Intimacy with Your Partner (Besides Sharing Needles)

couple shooting heroin

It's not uncommon for couples to feel they're struggling with intimacy. Whether it's due to a lack of communication, different expectations, or just a general feeling of disconnection, there are a few things you can do to help improve the situation besides sharing needles. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Talk about your fantasies. What turns you on? What are your secret desires? Talking about these things could help to bring you closer together and make sex even more enjoyable if either of you weren't so strung out that your sex drive was completely gone.

2. Express gratitude. Did your partner go out of their way to cop in a different neighborhood? Did they pay the dopeman with something other than money? Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate the things they do to keep you both high.

3. Be present. Instead of letting your mind wander, focus on the present moment and enjoy the sensations of your body. This can help you to achieve a more intense level of intimacy as you both nod out together.

4. Communicate. If something isn't working for you, or you’re not enjoying yourself, speak up. Good communication is essential to finding a new plug if the latest batch from your current supplier is weak.

5. Experiment. Be willing to try new things together. Try doing speedballs. Maybe you prefer morphine. Change things up by using a different vein.

By trying out these different techniques, you can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship without doing anything reckless and unhealthy.

Aggressive Shrugging at Sound Guy Feels Proactive to Guitarist


DALLAS, TX—In what can only be described as a bizarre display of incompetence, a guitarist at a recent live performance left audience members scratching their heads after they spent much of their time on stage aggressively shrugging and staring at the sound guy in frustration.

The guitarist of Mechanical Zebra Carcass was visibly unhappy with the sound during their set and inexplicably decided to try and solve the issue by using non-verbal communication. However, their attempts were met with confusion from both the audience and the sound guy.

At one point during the performance, the guitarist even went as far as silently mouthing the words, "What the fuck?", which did nothing to help the situation. It was clear to everyone except the guitarist that their actions were not helpful in any way.

Despite the confusion, the show went on, and the audience was left wondering if the guitarist had ever learned the basic communication skills necessary for a successful live performance or just existence in society in general.

One audience member, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "It was really frustrating to watch. You could tell something was wrong, but no one knew what it was. At one point toward the end of the show, the guitar did just cut out entirely, but that might've just been the sound guy fucking with them for being a jackass."

Another attendee added, "Is it like a rule that you can't talk to the sound guy? Is it not allowed? That was so dumb."

In the end, the overall performance was great, and nothing was noticeably wrong aside from the few times the guitarist stopped playing to shrug or pace the stage in frustration. The guitarist's total lack of serious attempt to fix the sound issue was what ultimately hurt the show. Hopefully, this incident will serve as a lesson for other musicians on the importance of clear communication with their sound crew. Or for literally anyone in any situation in which they'd like someone to do something differently.

Headline by Eli Vance of Antonym

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Combichrist to Record EP with Ed Sheeran

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