Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."

INCREDIBLY GRIPPING TELEVISION.

I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.

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Opinion: Labeling Regular Donuts as Cream Filled Should be a Federal Crime

The gas station donut industry has operated without oversight for too long. The time has come for the federal government to step in and finally start protecting its citizens from negligence.

Three times in a row, I got fucked by multiple Kwik Trips labeling regular long johns as cream filled long johns. Do you know how devastating an experience that is? It's a God damn travesty that will ruin your entire day. It's upsetting to the point that I've started breaking them in half before I buy them. This practice has saved me from further heartache twice already. And you've no idea how hard it is to not throw half an actually not cream filled donut at the nearest sky blue shirt and scream.

Some or maybe all of you might be thinking, "Relax, it's just a donut, and maybe stop eating so many donuts."

And to that I say, "No."

The issue is not as simple as just not getting the item you paid for. Eating a cream filled long john is a very specific experience: First you bite into one end—unless you're a complete psychopath, then maybe you eat your long johns like corn on the cob; I don't know. For whatever reason, I started writing this in second person, and I believe in consistency (unlike some gas stations). So, you start eating your donut and you're (probably) not a psycho, so the first couple bites are plain donut. That's normal. But, oh, you know it's coming. Soon you'll get to taste that rich cream. No, that's 100% your own brain making this weird, so just stop it; I'm trying to tell a story.

The anticipation is part of the experience. You don't actually know on which bite you will finally get to the cream, but you know and trust that eventually you will. When you finally do, you take note of how soon or late you got to the cream, and in that instant, in some small way, you relive every other cream filled long john you've ever eaten. And now, as you're into the cream bites, you know they will end soon, and you'll be left with regular donut once again. This is a sad reality you accept, and it makes you appreciate every cream filled bite so much more. Or maybe you're a fucking wild man, and as soon as you hit cream, you flip that sucker around and start from the other end so you can end on cream. I'm not judging. That's a life of decadence few dare to live, so you fuckin' go for it.

Eating a cream filled long john is a delicious roller coaster. Now imagine you're on a roller coaster that never reaches the top of that first suspenseful incline; it just keeps going. That's what happens when some total dick head puts a regular long john on the cream filled long john tray. On bite three, you're like, "Aw, damn. Probably not much in this one. I hope it's just off center and goes all the way to the end," because you're still excited and full of hope. Bite four, it's starting to hit you: the possibility that life is not what you thought—not what you were promised. You half know you're full of shit when you think to yourself, "Maybe there's at least a little at the end."

Then you take your fifth bite of the very obviously just a regular fucking donut that some asshole put on the cream filled tray. You realize that you've just eaten most of a perfectly good regular donut, but you didn't get to appreciate it for what it was, because you thought it was something else. And that's what's so truly heinous about this whole thing. Not only do you not get to enjoy the donut you wanted, but now you didn't get to enjoy the donut you had. God, that's fucking dark. I haven't seen the new Saw movie yet, but I guarantee you none of the traps are that fucked up. So now here you are with a few bites left of a completely normal donut you don't even want but could have wanted. Do you eat the last few bites and try to enjoy them for what they are, or will you throw it away, disappointed in everything and everyone in the world around you? Live or die, make your choice.

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How to Disguise Needing a Drummer for Your Band as a Christmas Gift for Your Kid

Are you struggling to find a drummer for your band? Do you want to surprise your child with a meaningful gift this Christmas? Why not disguise your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your kid? In just a few easy steps, you can fill the vacant role in your band.

Step 1: Talk to Your Child

Do they have any interest in music? First and foremost, you've got to make sure that your offspring has a desire to create music. Be sure to repeatedly express how fun and fulfilling it is to be in a band. Withholding affection from your child may encourage them to jump at the chance to join your band if it means feeling closer to you.

Step 2: Research Drum Sets

Research drum sets and decide on a budget that works for you. Consider the level of skill you're looking for in a drummer and the type of music you want to play. Look for beginner sets that are the right size for your child.

Step 3: Buy the Drum Set

Purchase the drum set and wrap it up as a Christmas gift for your child. Make sure to emphasize how excited you are to see them play and how proud you are of their musical talent.

Step 4: Plan a Jam Session

After your child has opened their gift, plan a jam session with them. Set up the drum set and play some music together. This is a great opportunity to show your child some of that affection you've been withholding until this point. Let them know how proud you are of their excitement for music. This should instill in them a desire to bond with you over your shared passion.

Step 5: Mention Your Band

As you're jamming, casually mention your band and how you've been having trouble finding a drummer. Ask your child if they know anyone who might be interested in playing with you. This conversation should feel natural and not like you're forcing them into anything. If the aforementioned emotional blackmail had been executed correctly, they will jump at the chance to become your new drummer and even believe it was their idea.

Conclusion:

Disguising your need for a drummer as a Christmas gift for your child can be a creative and thoughtful solution to a common problem for bands. It's a win-win situation for both you and your child, as you get to fulfill your musical dreams, and your child gets a new instrument to play with while getting the approval they crave.

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How to Spot a Fake Goth

It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

• Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
• When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
• Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
• They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
• They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
• Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
• They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
• Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
• When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
• When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.

When in doubt, knock them out.

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Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross

BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

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Founder of Cybergoth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cybergoth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cybergoth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cybergoth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cybergoth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cybergoth leg warmer rescue.

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Millennials Are Killing Industrial Music

By Steven Gullota

As if it was not enough for Millennials to kill the fabric softener, shaving cream, and restaurant industries, as well as banks, Hooters, NASA, cocaine, the American Dream, and a list that goes on and on and on, Generation Y is now seeking to destroy the industrial music scene. Out of all the major things that millennials could seek to destroy such as banks, NASA, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Echo Boomers are targeting our niche dark electronic scene.

This has become all too apparent in the recent months especially with industrial godfather :Wumpscut: announcing that he is quitting making music for more or less nothing in reference to his paycheck. With the lack of insufficient funds thanks to illegal downloads and new streaming revenue and obviously not due to the band's unwillingness to change with the times, it's obvious that millennials are to blame. For everything.

These personal tragedies have also struck me as an industrial music enthusiast as well. I went to go buy a physical copy of a CD somewhere, but it was sold out before I could purchase it. I could only imagine that somewhere in the world, some dirty rotten Millennial uploaded the CD to the internet and shared it with over one-thousand other millennials. The mere thought of that made my blood boil.

It's a sad time in industrial music and the future is bleak. We must all hang in there. The most we can do is warn everyone of the threat that millennials pose, and continue fighting the good fight.

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Director Stanley Kubrick's Extensive Involvement in Moon Landing Hoax

Patrick Germain

Republished

It has been suggested that Stanley Kubrick, the truly gifted director who was responsible for such classics as 2001: A Space Odyssey was hired to help fake the Apollo landings. Given Kubrick’s painstaking attention to detail, it is now well known that he was involved in this elaborate conspiracy.

But if Kubrick was responsible for this ruse, it should certainly be considered his finest work. Just look at these special effects models he left behind. They were recently photographed by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). Here is the Apollo 11 set:

Most Directors would have been content to use a large sound stage, but Kubrick insisted on shooting on location. One anonymous source, claiming to be a member of Kubrick’s film crew for the moon project, has claimed that the Director insisted on shooting on the Lunar surface “Because he wanted to get the light just right.” The alleged cameraman has also stated that setting up the sets and operating the cameras in the harsh Lunar environment was extremely difficult, but as they were being paid more than double union scale it was well worth it.

Kubrick also insisted on building new sets for the later Apollo shoots, claiming that reusing the Apollo 11 set would lead to a lack of nuance between shoots.

Here is Kubrick’s Apollo 12 set:

Unfortunately the Apollo 13 shoot turned into a disaster. The principle shooting was very arduous, and then most of the Lunar surface footage was severely damaged by radiation from a Solar flare. Kubrick tried to fix the project in editing, but in the end he simply wasn’t satisfied with the result. He convinced a reluctant NASA to change the project to a rescue thriller, since most of the orbital photography was still usable and they could do most of the new lines with simple voiceovers. The project sold better than expected, but Kubrick was still disappointed about the ruined footage, as well as the several members of his film crew who died during production.

The Apollo 14 shoot was much easier and quicker, as they simply re-used the Apollo 13 set and re-recorded the dialog with the new Astronaut-Actors.

Here is the renamed set for the Apollo 14 shoot:

The tracks visible in the picture were caused by the film crew travelling to the set, as they landed a short distance away from the set to avoid damaging the fairly fragile models. Kubrick incorporated one of the camera carts into the shooting as a Lunar Rover to account for the film crews tracks.

But despite the success of the Apollo 14 project, Kubrick was getting bored with the whole NASA contract. He wanted to add a subplot involving a love triangle charged with sexual tension between the Apollo 15 Astronauts for the next shoot, but the NASA bureaucrats simply wouldn’t go for it.

For the Apollo 16 shoot Kubrick tried to sell a poignant story about a crash on the Lunar dark side, but NASA wouldn’t approve actually killing the Astronauts. Kubrick insisted that the deaths, while tragic, were artistically necessary to the plot, but NASA wouldn’t budge. The Director was furious about the obstructionist role NASA had assumed, but decided to continue with the next Apollo project, already deep in pre-production.

For the Apollo 17 shoot Kubrick decided to tone down the testosterone level by adding a woman scientist to the story. He was also hoping to sway NASA by pitching a more low brow concept that would have broader appeal to the flagging American audience.

Kubrick’s script was centered on the character of Dr. Sandra Goodacre, a marine biologist coming to terms with her place in the Universe while investigating the lost seas of the Moon. Kubrick also told the NASA bigwigs that she would have really big boobs which he said “Would look really amazing in the low Lunar gravity!” NASA told him that they would consider it.

Kubrick’s vision was not to be.

A week before shooting was scheduled to start NASA gave him a revised script, throwing the Director into a renewed rage. Kubrick’s reaction was remembered by a friend who would later relay the director’s profound disappointment. “Those bloody bastards axed Sandra!” shouted the Director, “Now I’m stuck with some Geologist schmuck named Harrison Goddamned Schmitt, and all he freaking does is pick up rocks and shit!”

Kubrick shot the Apollo 17 project, mostly due to legal considerations, but he would never again speak to anyone at NASA.

NASA still had three full-sized Saturn V props left, and they seriously considered producing more Apollo projects, even starting preliminary talks with David Lean as the new Director.

But politics would intervene.

Richard Nixon, needing to make budget cuts to continue funding the Vietnamese War, cancelled the entire Apollo project. Nixon was also apparently disappointed about not getting to see the footage of the “Moon-whale babe”, but that was almost certainly a minor factor in his decision.

No major film Director has been to the Moon since.

This answer is dedicated to my stepfather Andre, who passed away last Thursday. I hope he would have chuckled while reading it.

Rest well Andre

This article was republished from Quora.com with Mr. Gemain's consent.

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