Riveting News
Riveting News
Showing posts with label Opinion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Opinion. Show all posts

October 4, 2018

How to Spot a Fake Goth

It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

  • Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
  • When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
  • Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
  • They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
  • They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
  • Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
  • They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
  • Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
  • When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
  • When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.
When in doubt, knock them out.

March 28, 2018

Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross

BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

January 29, 2018

Founder of Cybergoth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cybergoth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cybergoth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cybergoth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cybergoth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cybergoth leg warmer rescue.

September 12, 2017

Millennials Are Killing Industrial Music

As if it was not enough for Millennials to kill the fabric softener, shaving cream, and restaurant industries, as well as banks, Hooters, NASA, cocaine, the American Dream, and a list that goes on and on and on, Generation Y is now seeking to destroy the industrial music scene. Out of all the major things that millennials could seek to destroy such as banks, NASA, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Echo Boomers are targeting our niche dark electronic scene.

This has become all too apparent in the recent months especially with industrial godfather :Wumpscut: announcing that he is quitting making music for more or less nothing in reference to his paycheck. With the lack of insufficient funds thanks to illegal downloads and new streaming revenue and obviously not due to the band's unwillingness to change with the times, it's obvious that millennials are to blame. For everything.

These personal tragedies have also struck me as an industrial music enthusiast as well. I went to go buy a physical copy of a CD somewhere, but it was sold out before I could purchase it. I could only imagine that somewhere in the world, some dirty rotten Millennial uploaded the CD to the internet and shared it with over one-thousand other millennials. The mere thought of that made my blood boil.

It's a sad time in industrial music and the future is bleak. We must all hang in there. The most we can do is warn everyone of the threat that millennials pose, and continue fighting the good fight.

July 14, 2017

Director Stanley Kubrick's Extensive Involvement in Moon Landing Hoax

It has been suggested that Stanley Kubrick, the truly gifted director who was responsible for such classics as 2001: A Space Odyssey was hired to help fake the Apollo landings. Given Kubrick’s painstaking attention to detail, it is now well known that he was involved in this elaborate conspiracy.
But if Kubrick was responsible for this ruse, it should certainly be considered his finest work. Just look at these special effects models he left behind. They were recently photographed by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). Here is the Apollo 11 set:
Most Directors would have been content to use a large sound stage, but Kubrick insisted on shooting on location. One anonymous source, claiming to be a member of Kubrick’s film crew for the moon project, has claimed that the Director insisted on shooting on the Lunar surface “Because he wanted to get the light just right.” The alleged cameraman has also stated that setting up the sets and operating the cameras in the harsh Lunar environment was extremely difficult, but as they were being paid more than double union scale it was well worth it.
Kubrick also insisted on building new sets for the later Apollo shoots, claiming that reusing the Apollo 11 set would lead to a lack of nuance between shoots.
Here is Kubrick’s Apollo 12 set:
Unfortunately the Apollo 13 shoot turned into a disaster. The principle shooting was very arduous, and then most of the Lunar surface footage was severely damaged by radiation from a Solar flare. Kubrick tried to fix the project in editing, but in the end he simply wasn’t satisfied with the result. He convinced a reluctant NASA to change the project to a rescue thriller, since most of the orbital photography was still usable and they could do most of the new lines with simple voiceovers. The project sold better than expected, but Kubrick was still disappointed about the ruined footage, as well as the several members of his film crew who died during production.
The Apollo 14 shoot was much easier and quicker, as they simply re-used the Apollo 13 set and re-recorded the dialog with the new Astronaut-Actors.
Here is the renamed set for the Apollo 14 shoot:
The tracks visible in the picture were caused by the film crew travelling to the set, as they landed a short distance away from the set to avoid damaging the fairly fragile models. Kubrick incorporated one of the camera carts into the shooting as a Lunar Rover to account for the film crews tracks.
But despite the success of the Apollo 14 project, Kubrick was getting bored with the whole NASA contract. He wanted to add a subplot involving a love triangle charged with sexual tension between the Apollo 15 Astronauts for the next shoot, but the NASA bureaucrats simply wouldn’t go for it.
For the Apollo 16 shoot Kubrick tried to sell a poignant story about a crash on the Lunar dark side, but NASA wouldn’t approve actually killing the Astronauts. Kubrick insisted that the deaths, while tragic, were artistically necessary to the plot, but NASA wouldn’t budge. The Director was furious about the obstructionist role NASA had assumed, but decided to continue with the next Apollo project, already deep in pre-production.
For the Apollo 17 shoot Kubrick decided to tone down the testosterone level by adding a woman scientist to the story. He was also hoping to sway NASA by pitching a more low brow concept that would have broader appeal to the flagging American audience.
Kubrick’s script was centered on the character of Dr. Sandra Goodacre, a marine biologist coming to terms with her place in the Universe while investigating the lost seas of the Moon. Kubrick also told the NASA bigwigs that she would have really big boobs which he said “Would look really amazing in the low Lunar gravity!” NASA told him that they would consider it.
Kubrick’s vision was not to be.
A week before shooting was scheduled to start NASA gave him a revised script, throwing the Director into a renewed rage. Kubrick’s reaction was remembered by a friend who would later relay the director’s profound disappointment. “Those bloody bastards axed Sandra!” shouted the Director, “Now I’m stuck with some Geologist schmuck named Harrison Goddamned Schmitt, and all he freaking does is pick up rocks and shit!”
Kubrick shot the Apollo 17 project, mostly due to legal considerations, but he would never again speak to anyone at NASA.
NASA still had three full-sized Saturn V props left, and they seriously considered producing more Apollo projects, even starting preliminary talks with David Lean as the new Director.
But politics would intervene.
Richard Nixon, needing to make budget cuts to continue funding the Vietnamese War, cancelled the entire Apollo project. Nixon was also apparently disappointed about not getting to see the footage of the “Moon-whale babe”, but that was almost certainly a minor factor in his decision.
No major film Director has been to the Moon since.

This answer is dedicated to my stepfather Andre, who passed away last Thursday. I hope he would have chuckled while reading it.
Rest well Andre

This article was republished from with Mr. Gemain's consent.

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