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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query hot topic. Sort by date Show all posts

April 13, 2019

Orgy Sues Messier 87 Black Hole for Copyright Infringement


LOS ANGELES, CA—The recently released photo of the supermassive black hole at the center of the Messier 87 galaxy has gone viral, thus beginning its 15 minutes of fame. However, a certain group whose 15 minutes has long since passed, is not amused. Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has filed suit against the black hole. Orgy frontman Jay Gordon claims that the astronomical phenomenon recently christened "Powehi" is infringing upon the cover art of Orgy's debut album "Candyass" released in 1998.

According to court records, Los Angeles County Small Claims Court Judge Marshall Hartford was critical of the suit and cited multiple flaws in Orgy's case before throwing it out entirely. Hartford stated that it was not possible to sue a black hole or a galaxy. The veteran judge also pointed out that the galaxy in which Powehi resides is roughly 13.24 billion-years-old, thus preceding the album art design by over 13 billion years. According to witnesses in the court room, this was the moment when Gordon's face went white—presumably out of concern for a potential counter suit.

Sources close to the band say Gordon has plans to sue NASA, but likely does not have the finances needed to do so. There are rumors of a potential GoFundMe campaign, however, Orgy does not have a good track record of successfully crowd sourcing funds.

When reached for comment, NASA hung up.

April 2, 2019

DJ Stephen29 Gets Hot Topic Lower Back Tattoo


No, seriously, he did. We didn't make this up. We saw this and were like, "OK, let's just copypaste reality and have that be the joke article this week." And here we are. Looking at this. A thing that actually exists. On a 27-year-old man's lower back.

Hot Topic is an American retail chain specializing in selling overpriced counterculture-related clothing and accessoriesto teenagers, as well as licensed t-shirts of long-dead musicians their customers have only vaguely heard of. It's where we all went in our youth in order to express ourselves and torment our parents. It's where we currently sneak into just to check out the shirts real quick after buying eyeliner from Sephora. At our age, we know better than to fuck around with a shitty drugstore brand.

Most of us have since turned our backs on Hot Topic, but one man has turned his back toward it. Completely sober and not withdrawing from any psychiatric medications that we know of, the Cincinnati-based goth/industrial/ebm DJ known as Stephen29 has recently made a life choice to pay homage to the store that helped many of us figure out who we are. It's a choice he stands by, a choice he sat and leaned forward for, and a choice you shouldn't judge.


January 29, 2018

Founder of Cybergoth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cybergoth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cybergoth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cybergoth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cybergoth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cybergoth leg warmer rescue.

January 10, 2018

Orgy Covers New Order's "Blue Monday," Hopes Everyone Forgot They Did 20 Years Ago


SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Seminal late '90s, Hot Topic meets Nu-Metal band Orgy has released a new single this week: another cover of New Order's classic "Blue Monday."

Orgy is best known for its first cover of New Order's "Blue Monday" in 1998. The song and music video gained heavy air play on both MTV and terrestrial radio, which lead to their debut album "Candyass" selling over two million copies. Since then, the band has been unable to top or recreate that original success. They finally made headlines again in 2013, this time for failing to reach their album's crowdfunding goal by $91,000.

When asked for comment, lead singer/songwriter, and only original member of Orgy, Jay Gordon stated, "I honestly don't know what you're talking about. That never happened. Why are you asking me about shit from 20 years ago anyway? I'm 32; how could I have a band when I was 8-years-old?"

But a moment later, "Look man, off the record," confessed Gordon without waiting for us to agree that this would be kept off the record, "I know we already covered this song. This isn't even a new recording. It's the same one. All I know is it's the only God damn thing that ever made me any money, and I burned through that a long time ago. I also know that if I don't show up in Malibu this summer with a jet ski, all of my boys and that hot, young trim are going to think I'm an asshole. Gordon went on to say, "Look man we tried crowdfunding... touring... do you have any idea how much fucking glitter eye shadow I own? I am 50-fucking-years-old, man, and I wear vinyl pants every fucking day. So I'm gonna catch motherfucking lightning in a bottle again and get me a Yamaha VX1050A-RB in red."

When asked for comment, former Orgy and current Julien-K members Amir Derakh and Ryan Shuck said, “No comment,” after several minutes of uninterrupted laughter.

May 30, 2017

Hot Topic Employee Fired for Criticizing The Nightmare Before Christmas


SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worker, identified as 17-year-old Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker, was let go when she took her previously acceptable melancholy and indifferent attitude too far and referred to the Tim Burton cult classic as "lame."

Riveting News reporter Nicholas Gnames was on scene when the events unfolded:

The store’s decorations looked like Tim Burton held 18 to 24-year-old girls down and tattooed various depictions of Jack Skellington on them in the most visible of places to show the world just how original they are and then stapled the girls themselves to the walls.

As a 36-year-old man, I was sort of inspired.

"Do you have that 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website?” I asked a girl name Krystyna because she was obviously Ukranian or her mom thought she was creative but was instead a total failure even when she attempted to be a photographer.

"But you’re a man. Why would you want a girl’s hoodie?" she inquired.

Fairly certain I had not heard a yes or a no, I pressed onward, "It’s reversible. Perhaps the reversed side is a men’s hoodie."

"Whatever, it’s like totally lame either way. Everything’s lame."

I too remember being 17 and working my first job. I too remember being unable to answer even the most simple of questions, usually because I was very, very high on marijuana. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for me because I was literally shivering, and if I could just get a hoodie, men’s or women’s, I would not be shivering any longer. I began screaming for warmth. A manager approached me.

"Sir, please, keep it down, our target demographic is 6-year-old girls and their 19-year-old mothers—because they typically like the same things—and they seem frightened." The nerve of this guy…

"Listen, all I want is my 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website, and Krystyna told me that was lame and assumed my gender."

He fired her on the spot. I felt terrible until later when I saw her working at Torrid where her ass belonged in the first place.

April 19, 2017

Goth Kid Shunned From Lunch Table For Not Dying Hair Over Summer Break


BROOKSVILLE, PA—Hunched over a tray of lukewarm goulash and canned corn, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson recounts his traumatic first day back at Brooksville Township High School after summer break.

"I spent the summer working at my dad's furniture store 'cause Hot Topic said they had no openings, which I know is bullshit, but whatever. My dad made me cut my hair 'cause I refused to stop wearing eyeliner, but I let it grow out though 'cause I'm my own person, ya know? I was working a lot to save up money for art school next year, and I just never got around to [dying] it [black again]."

When Ravenblood showed up for his first day of his senior year, everything seemed normal at first. He found his locker and all of his morning classes with ease. Things were going well, that is, until his lunch period.

"I got my tray and found where my friends were sitting. We all sit way in the back because everyone's so lame. Plus it's by the door so we can sneak out to smoke. They were all looking at me funny as I walked up, but I thought maybe they were just surprised I was still alive. I write a lot of poetry about suicide, ya know. But then I got to the table and everyone stopped looking at me and then spread out so there wasn't room."

One of the other goth students eventually spoke up and informed Ravenblood that he needed to "stop being a conformist and dye your hair black like the rest of us" if he wanted to sit with them. For the past week, Ravenblood has been eating alone near the drama students, because his mom can't take him to CVS for hair dye until this Sunday.


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