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September 24, 2019

Ghostfeeder Opens Food Pantry for Disembodied Spirits


TAMPA, FL—Synthrock electropop project Ghostfeeder has started a nonprofit organization dedicated to feeding apparitions in need.

"I just wanted to give back. It makes my day when someone comes in who had recently died of starvation," said Walborn.

The idea came to him when an earthbound specter approached him after a show expecting food. "I was confused. I thought he was just goth, but then I realized he was actually dead," recounted Walborn.

Although Walborn does not overtly advertise it, his food pantry features a back room with a cooler full of blood bags for malnourished poltergeists who have lost their hosts. Indeed, he is wholly dedicated to providing sustenance for a diverse group of ghosts.

Said Walborn, "I don't discriminate or judge. Maybe they have perfectly legitimate resentments toward the living; we don't know. Imagine how hard it must be to glom onto a family or person you've decided to terrorize and then they go and die in an accident that you didn't even get to cause."

Ghostfeeder's food pantry for phantoms is open Monday through Friday from dusk til dawn and on Halloween regardless of what day of the week it falls on.

September 10, 2019

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bolton Firing


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of John Bolton's firing as national security adviser, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

President Trump announced Tuesday that he had fired his national security adviser, John Bolton, saying in tweets that he “disagreed strongly with many of his suggestions.”

“I informed John Bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the White House,” Trump said.“I asked John for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. I thank John very much for his service.”


Trump said he would name a replacement next week.

Bolton, a former diplomat and political commentator who came on board in April 2018, was Trump’s third national security adviser.

Trump’s harshly worded tweet made clear that long-simmering frustration with Bolton had boiled over. Bolton immediately took issue with Trump’s assertion that he was fired, saying that he had offered his resignation. “Let’s be clear, I resigned, having offered to do so last night,” Bolton told The Washington Post.

So, basically, Trump pulled a, "You can't quit, you're fired!"



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