June 27, 2017

Goth Softball Game Postponed After Two-Hour Sun Delay


OSWEGO, IL—The Goths' game against the Metalheads on Thursday was postponed after a two-hour sun delay that began in the fourth inning. A makeup date will be announced next week.

As a result of the sun-out, the three-plus innings of play at Fireman's Park were wiped off the record, and the rescheduled game will begin from scratch. Zack Greyheart, who smashed what would have been his team-leading 10th home run of the season in the fourth inning, is likely to be the most disappointed by that development.

The game was paused as Jose Darksoul was batting with two outs in the top of the fourth inning and the Goths leading, 3-1. Three batters earlier, Greyheart had clobbered a two-run shot off Metalheads starter Jaime Brutal.

Despite a sunny forecast, the game began as scheduled, which meant the Goths burned Josh Ravenblood for 68 pitches over three innings. Had the game not been played, the Goths would have pushed Ravenblood back a day to start on Friday against the Punks.

That would have allowed the Goths and their underperforming and battered rotation to skip Rafael Blackness, the replacement starter for the injured Noah Deathsin.

Now, Blackness will have to start as first planned on Friday, when sun is also in the forecast.

Asked if he was unhappy about the two-hour delay before the game was called, Ravenblood replied, "I'm always unhappy."

June 19, 2017

Gas Leak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero


ISLINGTON, UK—A ruptured pipe caused a gas leak over the weekend inside Electrowerkz, a renowned three story nightclub in London's Islington District. The leak appears to have occurred during Slimelight, a popular weekly Saturday night club event. Slimelight usually operates two dance floors: a darkwave/goth room (on the ground level), and an ebm/aggrotech room (on the middle level). From time to time, the third dance floor (on the top level) will play power noise. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the second level aggrotech floor due to minor renovations in the ground floor.

The patrons in attendance suffered no respiratory issues, and danced the night away to [Android\K├Âlon:58] completely oblivious to the hazard. The leak was discovered the next morning when a custodian lost consciousness while cleaning the club. Repairs and renovations have since been completed, and Slimelight is set to be in full swing this coming Saturday on all three Electrowerkz dance floors.

June 12, 2017

Eric Oehler Accidentally Conjures Malevolent Spirit While Playing Theremin During Caustic Set


MILWAUKEE, WI—Toward the end of the night on day two of Milwaukee's first annual Sanctuary Festival, Caustic had begun performing their set. Eric Oehler (Null Device) was manning the controls and theremin, special guest Brian Graupner (The Gothsicles) was doing something with an iPad while fist pumping, and Matt Fanale (all around douche) was on the edge of the stage screaming into a helpless SM58 and licking the forehead of a Riveting News field reporter.

About six songs in, a focused Oehler could be seen working the theremin in an especially intricate manner. After about a minute or so, a wavering, bluish haze began to coalesce. What initially appeared to be an interaction between the fog machine and stage lights soon became an unmistakable aberration.

"I was just in the zone. Lady Business always gets me going. I began to feel a slight inner sense of dread; I just chalked it up to anxiety, because I knew a Riveting News journalist was watching, and that's a pretty big deal. I didn't even notice what was happening," recounted Oehler.

Suddenly, the bluish haze became a large dull flame, and a dark, menacing figure appeared.

Said an excited Graupner, "I was so stoked; I thought it was a Castlevania ghost. I started looking around for a loose XLR cable I could use as a whip. I can handle those, no problem. Two hits, and they're done."

Almost immediately after the entity had fully materialized, an energized Fanale began sensually dry humping the shadowy figure. It was then that a previously stunned audience cheered and resumed stomping on the dance floor. The dark entity seemingly became confused, and vanished after about 15 seconds once Fanale had reached around and attempted to sodomize it with the microphone.

The guys continued to play seamlessly through and beyond the mystical wraith's appearance, although a cautious Oehler noticeably avoided the theremin for the remainder of the set.

June 7, 2017

Pair of Combat Boots Never Seen Combat


ALLENTOWN, PA–It's been revealed that a pair of combat boots owned by a local goth have only ever been worn in a club setting. Stomping to Front Line Assembly is the closest they've come to seeing actual front lines.

Riveting News reporter Steven Gullotta uncovered the shocking truth behind the stylish footwear:

As I walked through the dance floor of my local, awesome, and super packed industrial night club and stared at everyone's boots, I began to notice a bit of an oddity: Not one of these pairs of boots seem all that used. In fact, most of them looked brand new and as if they were only worn at the club and nowhere else. I could not understand this, especially since all the blackened leather was fit for combat and not for a club night of dancing. I mean, really, how are you gonna dance in them things? You'll crush someone's toes off if you accidentally stepped on them. This is why I launched a full fledged investigation.

I went up to the nearest goth that I could find and pulled him aside. After greeting me with a very friendly, “What the fuck are you doing?” I was able to sit him down at a table and have a talk with him. He seemed to calm down as soon as I slid him some black nail polish and a graphic novel adaptation of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

After a series of vigorous questions directed toward the anonymous 31-year-old, I discovered that his boots were in fact combat boots that he had purchased at his local military surplus store.

"Yeah, these boots are the real deal, but I only wear them when I'm at the club 'cause I have to dress normal in the streets just in case my boss sees me. I don't wanna get fired. But after all the recent night club shootings, I figured I needed some protection. So combat boots it was," he explained in a not-very-convincing manner.

Continuing on, he stated that should he ever see combat, he's sure his boots will give him the upper hand, “These things easily give me an extra quarter inch of height against my opponent. And, you know, you gotta take the high ground in a fight. It helps.”

June 5, 2017

UPDATE: Steven Archer of Ego Likeness, Stoneburner Replaces Stolen Hair with Mop


UPDATE: Since the theft of his hair by a crazed fan, Steven Archer has taken to wearing the head of a mop as a sort of "security blanket" as he copes with the loss of his identity. Fellow artists have started a betting pool on whether the hair can be recovered by authorities, or if he will be forced to grow it all back.

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BALTIMORE, MD—Steven Archer of Ego Likeness and Stoneburner was accosted by a thieving fan while performing at a local venue over the weekend.

Archer was slapping fives with fans between Ego Likeness' second and third song when one opportunistic concertgoer grabbed a fistful of the musician's luxurious locks. Before security could intervene, the rogue fan had produced an electric razor and removed the gorgeous mop from Archer's head.

Archer, though shocked and noticeably shaken, resumed his guitar playing for the remainder of the set. Halfway through the next song, a fedora was thrown on stage (presumably meant for Archer) which he angrily kicked back into the crowd.

After leaving the stage, Archer's wife, singer Donna Lynch, could be seen holding her distraught husband as he wept into her shoulder.

No arrests have been made, but witnesses say the thief was a wild-eyed bald man in his late 30s to early 40s wearing new glasses, Daisy Dukes, and a t-shirt that said "Blame Caustic."

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