September 19, 2017

Goldman Sachs Acquires Dope Stars Inc. in $2.3 Billion Merger


WALL STREET—Goldman Sachs (NASDAQ:GS) announced today the completion of the merger with Dope Stars Inc. (NASDAQ:DSI), headquartered in Rome, Italy. The investment firm had spent eight months in negotiations with Victor Love who will hold a seat on the board of directors.

“Together with Dope Stars Inc., we offer increased regional size and strength, a more cyberpunk investment portfolio, and opportunities for our customers and associates that wouldn't be possible separately,” said Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs.

“This conversion was the culmination of countless hours spent by an outstanding group of associates dedicated to not only making this transition possible but also making it a success,” said Victor Love, frontman and CEO of Dope Stars Inc. “It was a team effort that required the support of the entire band, and we look forward to serving our fans with our now expanded presence in America."

Love's various other projects Master Boot Record, Hacking The Wave, and Epochate will remain subsidiaries of Victor Love Industries.

September 13, 2017

Sheeple Outraged After 3Teeth Proves Existence of Third Twin Tower on September 11th


FACEBOOK—Many conspiracies have sprung up surrounding the tragedy that took place on September 11th in 2001. 3Teeth frontman Alexis Mincolla has revealed that a third tower existed and was also destroyed; one that they don't want you to know about.

On September 11th, 2017, Mincolla posted a photo on the 3Teeth Facebook page showing what appears to be a third tower burning at the World Trade Center, providing concrete proof that what we've been told is a lie.

Fans and critics alike were angered, as the official story has become ingrained in American culture and accepting the truth is dangerous.

"It's absurd that they would post something like that; on today of all days," said Byron Westcock, a casual fan in strong opposition to being woke. "To think, I liked their page and listened to three of their songs, and then they pull something like this."

Regardless of what those with their heads in the sand want to believe, we now have definitive proof that every depiction of the World Trade Center over the last 40 years has been doctored.

UPDATE: Alex Jones of InfoWars has now created a section on his website dedicated to proving that a third tower existed at the World Trade Center prior to the attacks on September 11th, 2001.

September 12, 2017

Millennials Are Killing Industrial Music



As if it was not enough for Millennials to kill the fabric softener, shaving cream, and restaurant industries, as well as banks, Hooters, NASA, cocaine, the American Dream, and a list that goes on and on and on, Generation Y is now seeking to destroy the industrial music scene. Out of all the major things that millennials could seek to destroy such as banks, NASA, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Echo Boomers are targeting our niche dark electronic scene.

This has become all too apparent in the recent months especially with industrial godfather :Wumpscut: announcing that he is quitting making music for more or less nothing in reference to his paycheck. With the lack of insufficient funds thanks to illegal downloads and new streaming revenue and obviously not due to the band's unwillingness to change with the times, it's obvious that millennials are to blame. For everything.

These personal tragedies have also struck me as an industrial music enthusiast as well. I went to go buy a physical copy of a CD somewhere, but it was sold out before I could purchase it. I could only imagine that somewhere in the world, some dirty rotten Millennial uploaded the CD to the internet and shared it with over one-thousand other millennials. The mere thought of that made my blood boil.

It's a sad time in industrial music and the future is bleak. We must all hang in there. The most we can do is warn everyone of the threat that millennials pose, and continue fighting the good fight.

September 6, 2017

Biblical Historian Claims Jesus Never Built Hotrod


CINCINNATI, OH—One local researcher has done a thorough investigation into claims made by the renowned industrial rock band Ministry. “Their 1991 single, ‘Jesus Built my Hotrod’, features guest vocalist Gibby Haynes from the Butthole Surfers claiming, as you would guess, that Jesus built a hotrod-style muscle car for him,” says Michael Jeuspraut. “We have, however, found significant evidence which proves that Jesus of Nazareth would not have been alive on Earth at a time or place when hotrodding would have been possible–the technology just didn’t exist in His time. Furthermore, He wasn’t a mechanic by trade. According to Biblical texts, Jesus was most likely a carpenter or possibly a stone mason.”

During my interview with Jeuspraut, I was given a lengthy lesson about Nazareth, Jesus, and the cultures and technologies of two-thousand years ago. He had also done research on hotrodding in preparation for this interview, explaining that hotrods likely didn’t appear until the 1930s in “present-day California” and that automobiles hadn’t even been invented until nearly 1,900 years after Jesus’ time on Earth. “I don’t want to sound like a stick in the mud. Heck, I love me some good old rock’n’roll music,” Jeuspraut stated, earnestly requesting this be included in this article, “but to make heretical claims such as Jesus building hotrods is outrageous and must be addressed.”

At the end of the day we must each ask ourselves who we trust. Would Butthole Surfers and Ministry lie to us? Does Michael Jeuspraut have an ulterior motive to want to defame Ministry? Does anyone actually believe that Haynes was trying to convince us that this actually happened? We received a quote from Al Jourgensen’s publicist in an email. “Al is a hotrod fanatic. In 1990, he had a ‘32 Ford 3 window coupe custom built at Fast Rat Custom Motors outside of Rockford, Illinois. The fabricator and mechanic he worked with was named Jesus Flores. Gibby knew this; it was a nod to Al. He was also extremely drunk out of his mind when he recorded the vocals. You'll notice that the lyrical content of the entire song is complete gibberish. I have no idea why you're taking this seriously.”

August 28, 2017

Trump: Revoking Virtual Terrorist Tour Visa "A No Brainer"


WASHINGTON, DC—Citing national security concerns, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order revoking the tour visa of Canadian techno-industrial darling Virtual Terrorist, effective immediately.

In a rare acquiescence to a press request, the President agreed to meet briefly with Riveting News. Immediately after entering through the White House's newly installed revolving door, we were greeted by two unpaid secret service agents. After being led to a room closely resembling a large college dorm, Mr. Trump paused his game and sat down with us to discuss his newly inked executive order.

"No one ever banned this guy. Obama didn't do it. No one did. He's been around for years. Terrorist is right in the name. It's a no brainer. Visual Terrorist [sic]. He's Visual. You can see him. Obama saw him. He did nothing. I'm not gonna say he hates America. I'm not gonna say it. I won't say it. But I really think that he must hate America though if he's letting this guy in," explained Trump.

When informed that Virtual Terrorist was the name of a Canadian electronic music project, and not an actual terrorist, Trump responded, "Look, you say Canada. It could be Russia. Or China. Or some other bad, bad country like ISIS. Maybe it could be Canada. And Canada is killing us with NATO, by the way. Killing us. Big league. And I think it's very, very bad. CNN won't tell you. They're fake news. You might be too. I don't know. Let's say you are. We're talking right now, OK? I think that you're probably not having the bad ratings they're having over there. I really think that."

The President proceeded to speak for another solid 56 minutes—covering a wide range of topics entirely unrelated to the executive order—at times almost nearing some semblance of coherence.

When pressed for comment about his past Twitter accusations that Riveting News was "fake news," Mr. Trump denied having a Twitter account and dove into a ball pit.

August 22, 2017

Lights Out God Help Me Fans Angry After Uneventful Eclipse


PRESQUE ISLE, ME—On Monday, August 21, 2017, North America was treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality from Salem, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina saw one of nature’s most awe inspiring sights. Observers outside this path still saw a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun's disk.

Industrial/power noise/killing floor act Lights Out, God Help Me has now drawn ire from fans after his inferred promises about what may take place after the lights go out went unfulfilled.

"There's so much awful shit going on in the world. The lights went out; god didn't help us," said one angry fan.

Others are angry for different reasons.

"He said we'd all burn, we didn't. Said we'd all drown, here we are. I'm beginning to think he doesn't tell the truth," said another questioning fan.

When reached for comment, LOGHM responded, "Are you fucking serious right now?"

August 18, 2017

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bannon Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of chief White House strategist Steve Bannon submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only weeks after former communications director Anthony Scaramucci's 11 day stint came to an end. Before his final day, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

According to The New York Times, Bannon submitted his resignation on August 7, but the announcement of his ouster was delayed until today thanks to the events in Charlottesville. The White House described the departure as a mutual agreement between Bannon and chief of staff John Kelly.

"We are grateful for his service and wish him the best," said press secretary Sarah Sanders.

Bannon took over as Trump's campaign chairman a year and a day ago, and he was credited with bringing much-needed focus and discipline to what had been a seat-of-the-pants operation. Bloomberg Businessweek writer Joshua Green argues that without Bannon's skill at mobilizing disaffected white male voters, "I don't think Donald Trump would have been elected president."

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

August 15, 2017

Cincinatti Zoo Builds Elitist Goth Sanctuary


CINCINNATI, OH—Though the Cincinnati Zoo has become well known for the Harambe Incident in both media and pop culture, the board behind the wildlife sanctuary is about to make a shocking announcement to the world: They are building the world's first Elitist Goth Sanctuary.

Requesting an interview with us for being the leading Industrial/Gothic online webzine we got the chance to speak with board member Joseph Wallace about the upcoming Gothic enclosure. When asked about the idea he stated, "I'm an early '80s Goth, you know. The best kind. Big hair, lots of black on black clothing, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees and all that good stuff. I kept getting sick of all these young kids entering our scene trying to bring color and happiness into it. Emos, scene kids, cyber goths—this isn't Mortal Kombat."

The enclosure is stated to be a three square mile caged environment, complete with a dancefloor, bar, and more. "We didn't want to include too many outside areas for the Goth enclosure, because Goths don't get too much sunlight. We're afraid they're going to burn off and die should they receive too much Vitamin D."

To counter the assault from the sun's rays, they have started construction on an interconnecting and underground bat cave. "Everyone knows that bats are a goth's best friend," continued Wallace, "So why not let the Goths live with them?" The construction workers are planning on littering the floors of the caves with eyeliner, nail polish, and plenty of jewelry.

The Elite Goths are notorious for having a strict and limited amount of songs they enjoy hearing, so Wallace has set up three separate DJ setlists for the Goths. "When they get in the enclosure as their new permanent home, we want them to enjoy themselves. Going into a Goth club you just know that there will be the same songs played over and over again each time you enter a club—which is great. We want to keep the environment stable and enjoyable for the sensitive Elite Goth. Therefore we have handpicked thirty tracks in total which will play on repeat throughout the day."

As of right now, Wallace and his team are bulldozing the grounds where the Goth Sanctuary will be built. Work will be slow and steady, but he plans on having the enclosure ready for public viewing by October of 2018.

August 8, 2017

Combichrist to Record EP with Ed Sheeran


UPDATE: Soon after we broke this story, Andy LaPlegua confirmed the previously under wraps collaboration on his personal Instagram account.

LONDON, UK—Andy LaPlegua of Combichrist fame has written several new songs with multi-platinum artist Ed Sheeran as he plots a change in course for his ever-evolving band.

According to our sources, they have co-written a track together, their first time teaming up since LaPlegua first approached the "Shape of You" singer about a collaborative project. Fans will soon be treated to a snippet of the new song on LaPlegua's Facebook page. It's been reported that at least four more songs are in the works.

“They've been friends for years, ever since Andy first ran into Ed at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. He told Ed he'd become a big inspiration for him lately," a source told us. “The collaboration actually came about very quickly earlier this year. Andy was told that Ed was beginning to write a song with him in mind."

An excited La Plegua reportedly flew straight to the U.K. to finish writing the track with Ed, before recording the next day.

While LaPlegua will certainly enjoy the support of Combichrist's already huge fan base, the industrial star is clearly keen to branch out into the folk-pop scene, and working with Sheeran, currently one of the most sought-after songwriters in the music business, will give him a boost.

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