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Opinion: Game Accurate Halo, ToeJam & Earl Series Would be Boring

Many fans of the popular Halo video games are upset that the Paramount+ series starring Pablo Schreiber has strayed so far from the source material. I honestly can't understand why. Granted, I'm not much of a gamer and have never played Halo, but I have played ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron one and a half times. If they made a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series, I'd be pretty damn excited. If I sat down to watch it only to find out that the show was just a live action reenactment of the exact events of a game I'd already played, I'd be pretty damn PO'd.

"OK, season four is level four, and this is the second episode, which means they'll be entering Chill'n Fields. I wonder if a ghost cow will appear. Yup, there it is."


I don't want to see that. I want to see a love triangle with Sharla where Earl finds out that she's possessed by a ghost cow, but he's kind of into it, so she falls for him while struggling to keep it a secret from ToeJam (which is what's driving them apart). There's no way she can tell him, because the writers have invented a new backstory about how ToeJam had a son—which goes against canon—who was killed by a ghost cow. Fine with me.

I don't care what they change. I don't care if Lewanda isn't red or Smoot doesn't wear sunglasses. I don't care if they condense Lamont the Funkapotomus's Favorite Stuff into just one thing for easier storytelling. They can change his name to Larry the Funkapotomus for all I care. OK, they actually better not change his name to Larry. I could maybe deal with it if the actor seemed like more of a Larry, but his character would be off screen in the Funk Dimension for most of the show anyway. The writers would have to come up with a whole subplot about his time there. You know what? I really like that idea.

I actually hope they don't even include Chester and Lester. I do love the whole mystery of whether these are identical twins we never see together or just one kid fucking with everybody, and it's a fun recurring joke in the game, but I really can't see where that would fit into any sort of serious narrative.

And before you come at with, "Why would they make a tv show starting with the second game? That doesn't even make sense; your analogy sucks," just think about it for a second, Mr. or Mrs. Analogy Picker Aparter.

Imagine a ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron series that strays quite a bit from the original game, and the events during their time on Earth in the first game are a mystery to the viewer. We slowly learn through flashbacks and character discoveries just how exactly the Earthlings got onto the Rapmaster Rocketship in the first place. Maybe it was while the guys were distracted by whatever it is that clearly drove a wedge between these once close friends. What if ToeJam starts to suspect that Earl snuck them onboard himself? Earl keeps acting strangely and he's clearly hiding something—something about the Earthlings. The tragedy is that ToeJam doesn't know that Earl's secret is actually Sharla's secret about her ghost cow possession, and Earl can't prove his innocence without betraying the woman he loves and revealing their affair. HOLY ACTUAL CRAP. Seriously, how damn excited are you for this show?!

My point is, adapting a game isn't like adapting a book. Reading is boring, and I'm bad at it. Make the book do pictures on my TV the way the paper says, sure, but a video game is a story I've already seen. Give me a new version. Shake things up. Just don't give anyone a nipple tattoo like the new Crow remake.

Editors Note: Three paragraphs describing a possible backstory for Peabo's hiccups have been removed from this article after I realized that it would introduce a major plot hole surrounding Bloona's crush on him—one aspect of the game that I do not think should be excluded from a potential series under any circumstance.


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