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Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts

December 9, 2019

Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle


RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

June 24, 2019

Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure


PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra. However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

June 3, 2019

Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck


GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

March 30, 2019

Ancient Relic Unearthed in Industrial Fan's Closet


LA CROSSE, WI—Just days ago, 34-year-old Dick Wrigley uncovered a rare piece of history while making room in a closet for a safe he recently purchased because I'm an adult with valuables and an old pile of mail that seems important.

The artifact seems to be some sort of sound generation device. Local historians claim that round shiny plates were inserted to generate the sounds. Wrigley has verified these claims by presenting a large container of these plates inside small cases.

"I keep them because I know they're important to me, but I can't remember what they were for," explained Wrigley.

Researchers studying the object have traced its strange marking to a now inactive website believed to have represented Chicago industrial band Cyanotic.

"Dude, I love Cyanotic, but I have no idea what they would have to do with this thing. Seriously, they're awesome. What do you use, Spotify or Apple Music? I'll send you a link," said Wrigley, revealing himself to have a possible link to the device.

When reached for comment on the discovery, Cyanotic front man Sean Payne responded with a YouTube link to pre-visual effects footage from Terminator 2.

October 4, 2018

How to Spot a Fake Goth


It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

  • Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
  • When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
  • Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
  • They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
  • They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
  • Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
  • They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
  • Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
  • When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
  • When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.
When in doubt, knock them out.

June 19, 2018

Homophobic Leæther Strip Fan Completely Clueless


DURHAM, NC—38-year-old Ken Cosgrove is a self described "Leæther Head" obsessed with all things Leæther Strip and Klutæ. Conversely, he is also a raging homophobe who regularly posts videos of himself burning pride flags.

I first found Cosgrove when a Facebook friend shared a video of a man burning a rainbow flag and chanting, "F**s must die." As I watched in disgust, I noticed he was wearing what looked like a Japanese Bodies t-shirt. There was certainly a story there. After reaching out to him, Cosgrove agreed to sit down for a brief interview. Before I had a chance to ask him to share a little about his stance on homosexuality and the industrial scene, he offered it unprompted.

"Industrial bands these days are a bunch of queer kids wearing makeup like f**s. Who knows what's going on with them. I can't fucking stand f******s," explained Cosgrove, "but then you have Leæther Strip. Claus is a fuckin' Alpha, dude. I bet he slays mad chicks."

When asked about the lyrics of songs like "Invade My Body," Cosgrove claimed that the song was "obviously sung from the point of view of all the chicks he's always railing."

When asked about Claus' penchant for wearing leather dungeon straps around his chest on stage, Cosgrove replied, "Yeah, so did He-Man, and he was as manly as they come."

FInally, I asked Cosgrove if he thought Claus Larsen was a "man's man." He responded, "Oh, definitely," and then added, "What's with all these questions anyway? What are you trying to get at? I'm not a fuckin' f*****t, bro. I'll fuckin' knock you out."

I opted not to let Dan in on the non-secret. I think we can all relate to discovering that an artist we look up to isn't what we'd thought they were and how devastating a realization that can be. He was happy in his ignorance, and though hateful people don't deserve happiness, Claus and Kurt certainly deserve this scumbag's money.

May 3, 2018

Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"


BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."

March 28, 2018

Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross


BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

March 21, 2018

Addict Sells Vintage Collection of Methamphetamine to Pay for Synth Habit


BIRMINGHAM, AL—It's no secret that synthesizer addiction is quickly becoming a national epidemic. The actions of one addict, Bradley Taylor, 34, has made it clear that the trend shows no sign of slowing down. After an unsuccessful intervention staged by his friends and family, Taylor agreed to open up about the terrible disease he is not yet ready to address.

"I remember when I first tuned in," said the fixed-pitch virtual analog user, but like most synthetic users, he quickly escalated. "I needed something purer, and I moved on to actual analog," Taylor explained. "It's just that, stepped filters weren't cutting it for me. The MicroKorg was a terrible gateway. I quickly began looking for things to sell to afford my addiction—and eventuall turned to my vintage collection of methamphetamine."

The methamphetamine in question once belonged to Taylor's late grandfather, Darryl Taylor who died in a meth lab explosion in a shed located on his property. After years of remaining hidden in a stainless steel Kiss thermos under the sink, Taylor's father discovered the antique narcotics while fixing a clogged drain, and later willed it to his son after losing a long battle with colon cancer.

While Taylor has noticed changes in his personal health, including more regular blood pressure, improved sleep, and an overall sense of fulfillment, he still misses his vintage collection of individually bagged grams of crank. Towards the end f our interviews, the crazed addict began frantically searching his living room for other items to pawn in support of his habit, and threatened this publication with paranoid analog-drift delusions.

Interview conducted by Kevin Barron of Cyanotic.

February 5, 2018

Goth Kid's Mom Forgets Count Chocula Again


PICTURED: Hunched over a bowl of generic corn flakes, 15-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson says he knows for a fact he told his mom to pick up a box of his favorite cereal.

WATERFORD, CT—It seemed as if it were a regular Monday morning just like any other. Around 6:45 AM, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson woke up for school immediately craving his favorite cereal as a vampire would lust for blood. After getting dressed and applying his makeup, Hanson walked down stairs and went into the kitchen.

"The first thing I did was grab a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher. I was supposed to put them away last night, but I don't even care. Then I got the milk out of the fridge. Oh, and she got 1% again, which is a whole other thing. I set it all on the table and went to the pantry to get some Count Chocula, because I know I told my mom we were out before she went to the store yesterday."

That's when everything came crashing down. There was no box of Count Chocula. Instead, there was only an old box of corn flakes, and a new, unopened box of Froot Loops. Hanson's mom had forgotten the dark, sinister cereal.

"I was so pissed. My mom was in the bathroom so I yelled through the door like, 'Mom, where's the Count Chocula? Did you leave it in the van?' And she's like, 'Oh, sorry, Sweetie, I forgot.' She pulled this shit a few weeks ago too."

In that moment, Ravenblood—by which Hanson insisted we refer to him in this article—was speechless. Not only had Mrs. Hanson forgotten the Count Chocula, but she managed to remember Ravenblood's little sister's favorite cereal, Froot Loops.

"Mackenzie gets everything; it's bullshit. I can't eat fucking Froot Loops. They're made of bright colors, and just look at how happy that fucking toucan looks," explained Ravenbood.

When it was pointed out that Count Chocula is also smiling on the box, Ravenblood responded, "Yeah, but that's because he's, like, excited to bring the sweet embrace of death upon the living."

January 29, 2018

Founder of Cybergoth Leg Warmer Rescue Says "Adopt, Don't Shop"

Pictured: Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons, owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit leg warmer rescue.

Canton, OH—Leg warmer mills are U.S. Department of Agriculture-licensed commercial large-scale breeding operations that legally supply Hot Topic and online leg warmer websites, also known as brokers.

A reputable breeder would never sell their leg warmers to Hot Topic or through the internet. Reputable breeders want to meet the new leg warmer's owner, make sure the new owner understands the breed, has the time for the leg warmer, etc. Additionally, a reputable breeder has the new owner sign a contract that stipulates if the leg warmer doesn't work out for any reason, at any point in the life of the leg warmer, it has to be returned to the breeder.

A USDA licensed breeder means little more than a piece of paper. The breeder only needs to provide minimum care like DJ mixes and mini glow sticks. If they receive a violation, the breeder likely gets away with a small fine. In December, the USDA removed all the inspection records from its searchable online database, so there's no way for a cybergoth to check for breeder violations before they purchase a leg warmer.

Leg warmer mills, Hot Topic, and online leg warmer websites only care about the money generated by the sale of the leg warmer. The USDA considers the parents in the leg warmer mills livestock that can legally, under the Cybergoth Accessories Welfare Act, spend their entire lives in a dirty wire cage only 6 inches larger than the size of their poofiness, and can be bred over and over at every heat cycle. The leg warmers don't have to be handled, groomed, let out for dancing, or taken to any club nights, etc.

If you don't want to support leg warmer mills, visit your local cybergoth leg warmer rescue and adopt a leg warmer in need of a new cybergoth. If you insist on buying a specific style, please do your homework. Visit the breeder, tour their facility, and meet the parents of your leg warmer. If they don't want you to come or they make excuses, it's not a reputable breeder.

Every purchase of a leg warmer from unreputable stores creates the supply and demand. You can play a part in stopping the mass breeding. Adopt, don't shop!

Guest writer Tanya "Electravirus" Hammons is the owner and operator of Dance Again, a non-profit cybergoth leg warmer rescue.

December 12, 2017

Underground Band Furious Magazines Won't Review Their New Album


PORTLAND, OR—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is furious that their new album has not been reviewed by any online publications.

"We've been making music for a good year now. It's bullshit that these blogs aren't reviewing us. We are the best. The best of the best. Everyone needs to like our music," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group.

When we interviewed him on the spot, Maclaver went on a long, long tirade that lasted a half hour and put half the staff at Riveting News to sleep. In it, he bashed most of the industrial publications currently available. "What else do they do? It's not like they have full time jobs and other things to do. They sit at home in their rooms and listen to shit bands and that's it. But not us," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver has also sworn an online defamation war against the multi-million dollar industrial publication industry. He swears that he and his five followers will never, ever submit their albums to any online publication ever again.

Speaking to the Riveting News staff, Maclaver slandered us and stated, "Even you guys just post bullshit articles about us. Built a deck? My ass. It was a fucking patio. Get the story straight, jagoff. You guys haven't even wrote a review. I bet you only do paid reviews."

Maclaver then proceeded to stomp out of the building angrily pouting.

October 23, 2017

Goth Discovers That Halloween Is Not Only Holiday


ALLENTOWN, PA—In a shocking turn of events, a sheltered Goth has finally learned that Halloween is not the only holiday celebrated in America and around the world.

35-year-old basement dweller James Joby has taken to YouTube ever since 2009, creating Vlogs about Gothic, Scene, and Emo culture without ever leaving the confines of his own home. The man frequently orders in chokers, pink lipstick, and Marilyn Manson gear and clothing. While he had a string of popularity with other males in the field of the same girth, Joby has since lost a following in his later years.

Joby said, "The people who stopped following me are the ones that turned their back on this lifestyle. They had it going on when they were in their teenage years, maybe early twenties, but eventually turned their back. They were nothing but posers. I am in this for life."

But the shocking revelation about other holidays came later for the home-schooled man. When speaking to his mother, Cynthia Joby, she said, "I would always try to give him gifts for Christmas, but he would always just scoff and laugh at me saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist and to stop 'Fucking with me about these fake ass holidays.' I was highly offended, and now I have a back catalog of butt plugs and other sex devices he always wanted stuffed in a closet. I sure hope none of his relatives ever find that—it would be hard to explain."

However, after meeting a fellow online Vlogger whose identity shall remain anonymous but is known as xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx online, his life was forever reshaped. Joby stated that she one time exclaimed, "Happy Easter" while in chat, and Joby laughed. It was only after she explained to him all the holidays that he finally accepted the reality that Halloween is not the only holiday.

Joby has been researching all the new holidays with feverish curiosity. "Christmas, St. Patrick's Day...I don't know. I think Valentine's Day sounds pretty cool. It would be nice to know what another human's touch and love feels like," Joby discussed while speaking with us.

Joby has since stated that he will make an attempt to meet and greet xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx in real life, though he has a suspicion it is his mother in disguise attempting to make him leave home and never come back.

October 17, 2017

Edgy Teen Discovers Satan Actually Pretty Chill Guy


SEEDTOWN, NC—Satan has always been depicted as an evil force or entity who is Hell bent on insuring the destruction of Christianity, as well as suckling every living Soul into his fiery domain. However, Kyle Lubitz, a Freshman at Yellow Fountain High School in Seedtown, North Carolina has just discovered an opposite truth.

"I don't know man. I always thought Satan was all about sacrificing goats and fucking over the world and everything. But the truth started coming out when I saw how many people in the Black Metal scene are actually vegans. That was the first red flag I saw," Lubitz stated.

Lubitz, a dedicated fan to cult Black Metal outfits such as Abbath and Moloch, has been listening to the projects ever since the beginning of the school year. The face paint, dedication to dark sigils and Satan himself led the child to believe Satan was a bad person. But after reading about the deity online, he came away unsatisfied with Him.

"All these movies out there depict the forces of evil as being disgusting, nasty, and nothing but murderous jerks. The Satanic Bible actually makes Satan sound pretty chill and cool. I don't understand it. How am I supposed to get through my most hormone filled stage when I don't even know what my deity is all about?" Lubitz continued.

Lubitz found a group of Satanists within his own high school and was confused when he got kicked out. Speaking to the head of the Satanic Friendship Club at Yellow Fountain High School, Miranda Smith, she stated, "Yeah, when we first met Kyle he really, really wanted to know when we were going to kill a cat or murder his ex. We kind of tried to tell him that's not what we're about. He got angry with us. Still, if we could enlighten him that would have been awesome. Now he's finding stuff out on his own. Wouldn't you know it...We were right. Fucking Kyle."

Lubitz has since stopped worshiping Satan and has moved onto worshiping Ronald McDonald.  Lubitz continued, "At least that clown is responsible for a few thousand murders per year. Fuck Satan. I'll have Ron curse everyone I know."

Lubitz then walked away from us and was bullied by high school jocks as he tried to laugh at them for wearing what he considered "Gay pants". Good for you, Kyle, good for you.

August 15, 2017

Cincinatti Zoo Builds Elitist Goth Sanctuary


CINCINNATI, OH—Though the Cincinnati Zoo has become well known for the Harambe Incident in both media and pop culture, the board behind the wildlife sanctuary is about to make a shocking announcement to the world: They are building the world's first Elitist Goth Sanctuary.

Requesting an interview with us for being the leading Industrial/Gothic online webzine we got the chance to speak with board member Joseph Wallace about the upcoming Gothic enclosure. When asked about the idea he stated, "I'm an early '80s Goth, you know. The best kind. Big hair, lots of black on black clothing, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees and all that good stuff. I kept getting sick of all these young kids entering our scene trying to bring color and happiness into it. Emos, scene kids, cyber goths—this isn't Mortal Kombat."

The enclosure is stated to be a three square mile caged environment, complete with a dancefloor, bar, and more. "We didn't want to include too many outside areas for the Goth enclosure, because Goths don't get too much sunlight. We're afraid they're going to burn off and die should they receive too much Vitamin D."

To counter the assault from the sun's rays, they have started construction on an interconnecting and underground bat cave. "Everyone knows that bats are a goth's best friend," continued Wallace, "So why not let the Goths live with them?" The construction workers are planning on littering the floors of the caves with eyeliner, nail polish, and plenty of jewelry.

The Elite Goths are notorious for having a strict and limited amount of songs they enjoy hearing, so Wallace has set up three separate DJ setlists for the Goths. "When they get in the enclosure as their new permanent home, we want them to enjoy themselves. Going into a Goth club you just know that there will be the same songs played over and over again each time you enter a club—which is great. We want to keep the environment stable and enjoyable for the sensitive Elite Goth. Therefore we have handpicked thirty tracks in total which will play on repeat throughout the day."

As of right now, Wallace and his team are bulldozing the grounds where the Goth Sanctuary will be built. Work will be slow and steady, but he plans on having the enclosure ready for public viewing by October of 2018.

July 25, 2017

Man Injures Penis on Goth Girlfriend's New Fangs


DENVER, CO—A man identified only as Josh Ravenblood has been hospitalized following an unfortunate sexual mishap with his girlfriend who had recently undergone an elective dental procedure.

The young couple were having an intimate moment in their car outside a local nightclub when the incident took place.

"I'd gotten my [dental] caps last week, and I just kind of forgot I had them. I was always meant to have fangs, so they just felt so natural, you know? I was going down on him [in the car] after Leather & Lace. The shifter was kind of in the way, so it was hard for me to really give it my all," said 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery.

It was then, perhaps due to his girlfriend's lackluster performance, that Ravenblood took matters into his own hands.

"He grabbed me by my extensions and started thrusting my head into his lap. It was pretty hot. Then I heard him screaming. I just thought he'd finished, because for a second, I thought I could feel it in my mouth. Then I realized it wasn't... you know... it was actually blood."

Surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, Nightfaery tore the lacy sleeve from the hysterical man's blouse, wrapped his lacerated organ, and promptly dialed 911. Ravenblood was rushed to a nearby hospital where he underwent emergency surgery.

When asked for any additional information, Nightfaery simply smiled and stated, "I totally swallowed."

July 19, 2017

Deaf EDM Producer Keeps Getting Booked for Power Noise Shows


RICHMOND, VA—In a controversial case that has had the internet's electronic music scene up in arms, a deaf EDM producer has only been booked by promoters for power noise shows since his debut in the scene five years ago.

Jerry Smith, aka DJ Eardrum, has been practicing and toying with synthesizers and DAWs for the past eight years, but it was not until June 2012 when he got his first gig. "I posted an ad on Craigslist linking anyone curious to what I do. I got contacted a few weeks later by some dude who told me to go to his venue in Colorado."

Things immediately did not seem right for Eardrum as when he got to the venue it looked like a broken down hole in the wall, not the usual lit up, college bro party drinking slophouse he was used to seeing on the internet. That didn't stop Eardrum from playing the set with his whole heart, however.

"As the set went on, all these goths flooded the dancefloor and I could not understand. I thought they hated EDM, but I made them party all night. They were really into it. It was then that I realized that my music must be so good that it's able to cross some sort of subcultural barrier."

DJ Eardrum is currently setting up a new EDM night in his hometown of Richmond, VA which is already making waves across the power noise scene.

July 5, 2017

Musician Takes Fan Response to Limited Edition Cassettes Literally


MADISON, WI—The frontman of Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at their merch table.

During a recent tour stop in the Dairy State, Scario Maclaver was working the merch table after his band's set when a man in his early thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented the singer on his performance. Upon thanking him, Maclaver promptly drew the man's attention to the limited edition cassette copies of the latest Mechanical Zebra Carcass album.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I really didn't even wanna do them, because who the fuck wants a cassette? Scar was adamant though that we have 'em pressed up. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl.' But yeah, this was the first time on the tour I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted the band's synth player Shavro Uticrus.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Jeremy Lane, 23, told us, "MZC is all about the fans, man. Scario will do whatever it takes to keep us satisfied. That dude in the cat shirt was a dick. I own that tape, and I love holding it in my hands while I listen to the first copy I bought off iTunes."

Maclaver was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. The band has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. A user "jlan1994" currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

June 27, 2017

Goth Softball Game Postponed After Two-Hour Sun Delay


OSWEGO, IL—The Goths' game against the Metalheads on Thursday was postponed after a two-hour sun delay that began in the fourth inning. A makeup date will be announced next week.

As a result of the sun-out, the three-plus innings of play at Fireman's Park were wiped off the record, and the rescheduled game will begin from scratch. Zack Greyheart, who smashed what would have been his team-leading 10th home run of the season in the fourth inning, is likely to be the most disappointed by that development.

The game was paused as Jose Darksoul was batting with two outs in the top of the fourth inning and the Goths leading, 3-1. Three batters earlier, Greyheart had clobbered a two-run shot off Metalheads starter Jaime Brutal.

Despite a sunny forecast, the game began as scheduled, which meant the Goths burned Josh Ravenblood for 68 pitches over three innings. Had the game not been played, the Goths would have pushed Ravenblood back a day to start on Friday against the Punks.

That would have allowed the Goths and their underperforming and battered rotation to skip Rafael Blackness, the replacement starter for the injured Noah Deathsin.

Now, Blackness will have to start as first planned on Friday, when sun is also in the forecast.

Asked if he was unhappy about the two-hour delay before the game was called, Ravenblood replied, "I'm always unhappy."

June 19, 2017

Gas Leak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero


ISLINGTON, UK—A ruptured pipe caused a gas leak over the weekend inside Electrowerkz, a renowned three story nightclub in London's Islington District. The leak appears to have occurred during Slimelight, a popular weekly Saturday night club event. Slimelight usually operates two dance floors: a darkwave/goth room (on the ground level), and an ebm/aggrotech room (on the middle level). From time to time, the third dance floor (on the top level) will play power noise. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the second level aggrotech floor due to minor renovations in the ground floor.

The patrons in attendance suffered no respiratory issues, and danced the night away to [Android\Kölon:58] completely oblivious to the hazard. The leak was discovered the next morning when a custodian lost consciousness while cleaning the club. Repairs and renovations have since been completed, and Slimelight is set to be in full swing this coming Saturday on all three Electrowerkz dance floors.



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