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Riveting News

October 4, 2018

How to Spot a Fake Goth


It's a tough question that we ask ourselves all the time. You'll be out at your favorite stomping grounds and come across someone who seems like they're trying to be Goth, but doesn't quite fit in. Your soulless instincts start to kick in as you notice that this person is not wearing black at all but a mean set of cargo shorts, Crocs, and a white button up shirt. Suddenly, you realize that this person might actually be a normie. This is a dilemma that many of us face, therefore we here at Riveting News have set up a guide that will help you find out whether or not someone is really Goth.

  • Their favorite song by The Cure is actually the Hot Potato song by The Wiggles.
  • When you read their Journal, it says, "I fucking hate Goths so much," over and over and has photos taped in it of popular pop-punk groups such as Weezer.
  • Their limited edition unrated director's cut of The Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a Tae Bo video.
  • They pronounce Sisters of Mercy as "Blisters of Cersei."
  • They spread mayonnaise all over their body to hide a really nice tan.
  • Their combat boots have a Nike swoosh on them and also aren't combat boots at all.
  • They ask you if their eyeliner looks OK, but they're wearing a paper bag over their head with a sad face drawn in sharpie.
  • Their cutting scars are clearly from anterior cruciate ligament surgery.
  • When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible.
  • When you ask what their favorite legitimate Goth site is, they say Riveting News.
When in doubt, knock them out.

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16 comments:

  1. "When you talk about Satan, they start crying and beat the shit out of you with a Bible."

    BS

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post is Mayo Proof!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This shits stupid. You're stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I kind off suspect that this is a joke, peeps. Dont take it to heart. Of course you can be into goth and not dress as such.What counts is your interest in the music and the culture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You kind of suspect, huh?

      Delete
  5. Thank you, this was very useful.

    ReplyDelete
  6. guys. its a joke. don't take it seriously. it's meant to be funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The goth lifestyle isn't a joke.

      Delete
  7. Goth is a lifestyle, either you are a goth, or you are not. You can't fake it. I'm 58, still going strong.

    ReplyDelete
  8. 62 and certified Pope of All Popes by www.subgenius.com

    ReplyDelete



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