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August 30, 2019

R. Kelly Petitions Judge to be Let out of Solitary Confinement, Placed in Women's Juvenile Facility


CHICAGO, IL—Lawyers for the embattled former R&B star filed an emergency motion on Thursday arguing he should be released from solitary confinement while awaiting trial on child pornography charges.

Kelly is getting no sunlight, no "meaningful interaction with underage girls," limited email access, and is allowed to shower just three times a week, his lawyers said in the motion. They claim he is being unfairly targeted because of his charges and because of his celebrity status.

Kelly is being held in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago after being arrested by federal authorities on child pornography and sex abuse charges in July.

After his arrest, the Bureau of Prisons determined Kelly could not be held in general population at the prison for his own safety, according to the motion.

But when Kelly requested to be transferred out of solitary confinement, BOP said he would not be eligible for a transfer to a women's juvenile facility “because of his alleged offense and notoriety and the fact that he is an adult man,” according to the motion.

August 21, 2019

Mattel Set to Release New Cybergoth Barbie

Ever since the 1959 launch of Barbie, Mattel has been considered the crowned ruler of the toy industry, second only to LEGO. But in their time on this Earth Mattel has always been lacking consideration for a certain niche scene: the cybergoth community.

With its ever-growing presence and viral videos of the cybergoth community celebrating Christmas by dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You', it was only a matter of time before Mattel began listening to the cybergoth community. At the local toy store, we found Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker browsing through a selection of Barbie's to much discontent.

"Why can't I be represented in the Barbie line-up?" asked Nightfaery, "I asked one of the employees here if they had any cybergoth barbies, and when I told them what it was, the guy brought me to a section with Mortal Kombat action figures. To say that I was livid is an understatement. I bitched at his manager and hope he gets fired. I'll also be contacting corporate."

Mattel heard the many upset voices in the cybergoth community and finally spoke out. Ynon Kreiz, the CEO of Mattel, spoke out at a press conference with shocking news, "We have heard the cybergoth community speak out, and we are here to showcase our brand new Barbie for your special community. Introducing the Cybergoth Barbie!"

An image of a newly made Cybergoth Barbie was revealed as cybergoth journalists in the crowd danced to Tactical Sekt's hit club song 'Not Entertained'.

The suggested retail price of the newly announced Cybergoth Barbie will be $24.99 USD, and will come packaged with several respirators and gas masks, leather outfits, combat boots, and two different pairs of leg warmers. Also included will be a tiny roll of black nipple tape, marking the first time in history Mattel has in some way acknowledged this missing part of Barbie's anatomy.

Cybergoth Barbie's release date has yet to be revealed. It will be sold exclusively at Toys R Us.



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