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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query nightfaery. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query nightfaery. Sort by date Show all posts

July 6, 2020

Big Dick Goth Boyfriend Overshadowed by Big Titty Goth Girlfriend


CINCINNATI, OH—Being a well endowed male always has its perks; should you and your date take a hot dive at the nearest motel your large member will be an eye catcher and a physical pleasure; becoming a modern day cam-boy could easily become a dream come true; in fact, you're probably the talk of the town between your next door Cougar Mrs. Smith and her friends who look at you through their window with lusty eyes. But just when does being a pizza with extra sausage become more of a shore than an actual fantasy? For big dick goth boyfriend, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, it's when he's in public with his big titty goth girlfriend, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

Ravenblood used to be shy about his ten-pound package of beef often choosing to be berated by his teachers in high school when they would call him to the chalkboard; he often chose not to get up as his half-chub would be enormous.

"I wouldn't often think of anything back then," Ravenblood said, "But when I did my mind would wonder into sexual territory and soon enough there would be a volcano bound to erupt. I decided I would rather be scolded than get up."

But his journey into adulthood changed that. Embracing what he was and his larger-than-life status was a difficult journey for him but eventually he found comfort. He said about this revelation, "Yeah, when I was around nineteen I said, 'Fuck it,' and began wearing really tight leather pants in my own home. This was around the time I began dating Nightfaery. But that's where it all went wrong."

"I never really thought of them as being huge nor myself as being a bit titty goth girlfriend. But I guess the internet thinks I am, because every time I post a photo on Instagram, I get at least four different boys in the comments stating, 'MOMMY, GIVE ME MILKY,'" said Nightfaery.

But just as Ravenblood found the courage to go out in public with his bonkrod did he only do so side-by-side with Nightfaery.

"It was awesome; I picked out the perfect pair of black skinny jeans I had and walked right into the biggest mall in the state. But not a word was said about my womb broom; not a single word was spoken about the potential operation of my crane and its wrecking balls could produce. Instead, everywhere we went Nightfaery's slammers were the star of the show. It was the worst fucking day of my life," said Ravenblood.

June 20, 2018

Study: Is Eating Ass Goth?



NEWBURY, CT—It seems that eating ass has become the latest sexual trend in recent years with many, many millennials constantly posting, asking, and wondering about the infatuation.

Researchers across the world are stumped as to how and why this has become such a trend considering, as one anonymous source put, “Literal shit comes from the anus. You are eating shit when you eat ass.”

Editor’s note: That’s what baby wipes are for.

But there is one question lingering in the air that has yet to be answered by our little, dark, narrow scene: Is eating ass considered to be Goth?

We at Riveting News, your number one legitimate source for all things dark and electronic, are here to answer that question. Our investigation led us to the household of Lasandra “Nightfaery” Becker, a sexual deviant and someone who has gotten her asshole licked by big tongues, small tongues, fat tongues, and flat tongues. When we first knocked on the door Nightfaery groaned, “Not you fucking guys again.”

But after offering to pay her in coffee and cigarettes, she reluctantly let us in. As we sat on the couch with one too many noticeable stains on it, Nightfaery answered our question to the best of her knowledge, “Josh Ravenblood, my boyfriend, has always called my butthole ‘the batcave’. When I tell people about that they’re thinking it’s a batman reference. But it’s not. We’re talking about actual bats here.”

Ravenblood was listening in on the conversation next to his girlfriend, and added, “She’s eaten my ass out for the past ten nights. And, I mean, if you think about it, the butthole never sees sunlight, and neither do Goths.”

Nightfaery finished out by saying, “So, yeah, I mean… I guess eating ass is Goth.”

Though these are just two of the many opinions that are in the Goth scene, the discussion can still move forward with the many make-up artists, musicians, and BDSM performers within the Goth scene. We at Riveting News say that eating ass is GOTH, as it always has been. So eat ass to your heart’s content.

August 21, 2019

Mattel Set to Release New Cybergoth Barbie

Ever since the 1959 launch of Barbie, Mattel has been considered the crowned ruler of the toy industry, second only to LEGO. But in their time on this Earth Mattel has always been lacking consideration for a certain niche scene: the cybergoth community.

With its ever-growing presence and viral videos of the cybergoth community celebrating Christmas by dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You', it was only a matter of time before Mattel began listening to the cybergoth community. At the local toy store, we found Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker browsing through a selection of Barbie's to much discontent.

"Why can't I be represented in the Barbie line-up?" asked Nightfaery, "I asked one of the employees here if they had any cybergoth barbies, and when I told them what it was, the guy brought me to a section with Mortal Kombat action figures. To say that I was livid is an understatement. I bitched at his manager and hope he gets fired. I'll also be contacting corporate."

Mattel heard the many upset voices in the cybergoth community and finally spoke out. Ynon Kreiz, the CEO of Mattel, spoke out at a press conference with shocking news, "We have heard the cybergoth community speak out, and we are here to showcase our brand new Barbie for your special community. Introducing the Cybergoth Barbie!"

An image of a newly made Cybergoth Barbie was revealed as cybergoth journalists in the crowd danced to Tactical Sekt's hit club song 'Not Entertained'.

The suggested retail price of the newly announced Cybergoth Barbie will be $24.99 USD, and will come packaged with several respirators and gas masks, leather outfits, combat boots, and two different pairs of leg warmers. Also included will be a tiny roll of black nipple tape, marking the first time in history Mattel has in some way acknowledged this missing part of Barbie's anatomy.

Cybergoth Barbie's release date has yet to be revealed. It will be sold exclusively at Toys R Us.

May 24, 2019

Grendel Slain by Beowulf


MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

March 28, 2018

Goth Model Pretends Black Licorice Isn't Fucking Gross


BELFORD, ME—Everyone knows black licorice is gross, and if you like it, you're wrong. That hasn't stopped 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery, a gothic Instagram "model" from insisting that she enjoys eating the chewy nightmare sticks.

"Black red vines are may fav!!  #licorice #redvines #yummy #favoritesnack #black #loveblack #allblackallthetime #goth #gothic #gothmodel #feelingpretty #lace #blacklace," said the lying sociopath when she posted a picture of herself clearly not even eating the disgusting strips of black death.

After 12 minutes of raging over having to read the phrase, "black red vines," I picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath. Intellectually, I knew she was referring to black licorice made by the Red Vines licorice brand, but I was already psychologically crippled by the nerve of this woman's twisted insistence that rotting rat carcasses make a good snack when compressed and twisted into rope. Everyone has their breaking point.

As of press time, there were a dozen comments on Ms. Nightfaery's fauxtograph, including three from seemingly like-minded fraudsters claiming to also have the ability to consume The Upside Down's version of a Slim Jim without vomiting every ounce of bile from within their wretched bodies.

December 9, 2019

Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle


RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

June 24, 2019

Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure


PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra Nightfaery, However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

May 3, 2018

Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"


BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."

May 30, 2017

Hot Topic Employee Fired for Criticizing The Nightmare Before Christmas


SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worker, identified as 17-year-old Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker, was let go when she took her previously acceptable melancholy and indifferent attitude too far and referred to the Tim Burton cult classic as "lame."

Riveting News reporter Nicholas Gnames was on scene when the events unfolded:

The store’s decorations looked like Tim Burton held 18 to 24-year-old girls down and tattooed various depictions of Jack Skellington on them in the most visible of places to show the world just how original they are and then stapled the girls themselves to the walls.

As a 36-year-old man, I was sort of inspired.

"Do you have that 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website?” I asked a girl name Krystyna because she was obviously Ukranian or her mom thought she was creative but was instead a total failure even when she attempted to be a photographer.

"But you’re a man. Why would you want a girl’s hoodie?" she inquired.

Fairly certain I had not heard a yes or a no, I pressed onward, "It’s reversible. Perhaps the reversed side is a men’s hoodie."

"Whatever, it’s like totally lame either way. Everything’s lame."

I too remember being 17 and working my first job. I too remember being unable to answer even the most simple of questions, usually because I was very, very high on marijuana. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for me because I was literally shivering, and if I could just get a hoodie, men’s or women’s, I would not be shivering any longer. I began screaming for warmth. A manager approached me.

"Sir, please, keep it down, our target demographic is 6-year-old girls and their 19-year-old mothers—because they typically like the same things—and they seem frightened." The nerve of this guy…

"Listen, all I want is my 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website, and Krystyna told me that was lame and assumed my gender."

He fired her on the spot. I felt terrible until later when I saw her working at Torrid where her ass belonged in the first place.



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