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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query ravenblood. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query ravenblood. Sort by date Show all posts

July 6, 2020

Big Dick Goth Boyfriend Overshadowed by Big Titty Goth Girlfriend


CINCINNATI, OH—Being a well endowed male always has its perks; should you and your date take a hot dive at the nearest motel your large member will be an eye catcher and a physical pleasure; becoming a modern day cam-boy could easily become a dream come true; in fact, you're probably the talk of the town between your next door Cougar Mrs. Smith and her friends who look at you through their window with lusty eyes. But just when does being a pizza with extra sausage become more of a shore than an actual fantasy? For big dick goth boyfriend, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, it's when he's in public with his big titty goth girlfriend, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

Ravenblood used to be shy about his ten-pound package of beef often choosing to be berated by his teachers in high school when they would call him to the chalkboard; he often chose not to get up as his half-chub would be enormous.

"I wouldn't often think of anything back then," Ravenblood said, "But when I did my mind would wonder into sexual territory and soon enough there would be a volcano bound to erupt. I decided I would rather be scolded than get up."

But his journey into adulthood changed that. Embracing what he was and his larger-than-life status was a difficult journey for him but eventually he found comfort. He said about this revelation, "Yeah, when I was around nineteen I said, 'Fuck it,' and began wearing really tight leather pants in my own home. This was around the time I began dating Nightfaery. But that's where it all went wrong."

"I never really thought of them as being huge nor myself as being a bit titty goth girlfriend. But I guess the internet thinks I am, because every time I post a photo on Instagram, I get at least four different boys in the comments stating, 'MOMMY, GIVE ME MILKY,'" said Nightfaery.

But just as Ravenblood found the courage to go out in public with his bonkrod did he only do so side-by-side with Nightfaery.

"It was awesome; I picked out the perfect pair of black skinny jeans I had and walked right into the biggest mall in the state. But not a word was said about my womb broom; not a single word was spoken about the potential operation of my crane and its wrecking balls could produce. Instead, everywhere we went Nightfaery's slammers were the star of the show. It was the worst fucking day of my life," said Ravenblood.

February 5, 2018

Goth Kid's Mom Forgets Count Chocula Again


PICTURED: Hunched over a bowl of generic corn flakes, 15-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson says he knows for a fact he told his mom to pick up a box of his favorite cereal.

WATERFORD, CT—It seemed as if it were a regular Monday morning just like any other. Around 6:45 AM, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson woke up for school immediately craving his favorite cereal as a vampire would lust for blood. After getting dressed and applying his makeup, Hanson walked down stairs and went into the kitchen.

"The first thing I did was grab a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher. I was supposed to put them away last night, but I don't even care. Then I got the milk out of the fridge. Oh, and she got 1% again, which is a whole other thing. I set it all on the table and went to the pantry to get some Count Chocula, because I know I told my mom we were out before she went to the store yesterday."

That's when everything came crashing down. There was no box of Count Chocula. Instead, there was only an old box of corn flakes, and a new, unopened box of Froot Loops. Hanson's mom had forgotten the dark, sinister cereal.

"I was so pissed. My mom was in the bathroom so I yelled through the door like, 'Mom, where's the Count Chocula? Did you leave it in the van?' And she's like, 'Oh, sorry, Sweetie, I forgot.' She pulled this shit a few weeks ago too."

In that moment, Ravenblood—by which Hanson insisted we refer to him in this article—was speechless. Not only had Mrs. Hanson forgotten the Count Chocula, but she managed to remember Ravenblood's little sister's favorite cereal, Froot Loops.

"Mackenzie gets everything; it's bullshit. I can't eat fucking Froot Loops. They're made of bright colors, and just look at how happy that fucking toucan looks," explained Ravenbood.

When it was pointed out that Count Chocula is also smiling on the box, Ravenblood responded, "Yeah, but that's because he's, like, excited to bring the sweet embrace of death upon the living."

April 19, 2017

Goth Kid Shunned From Lunch Table For Not Dying Hair Over Summer Break


BROOKSVILLE, PA—Hunched over a tray of lukewarm goulash and canned corn, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson recounts his traumatic first day back at Brooksville Township High School after summer break.

"I spent the summer working at my dad's furniture store 'cause Hot Topic said they had no openings, which I know is bullshit, but whatever. My dad made me cut my hair 'cause I refused to stop wearing eyeliner, but I let it grow out though 'cause I'm my own person, ya know? I was working a lot to save up money for art school next year, and I just never got around to [dying] it [black again]."

When Ravenblood showed up for his first day of his senior year, everything seemed normal at first. He found his locker and all of his morning classes with ease. Things were going well, that is, until his lunch period.

"I got my tray and found where my friends were sitting. We all sit way in the back because everyone's so lame. Plus it's by the door so we can sneak out to smoke. They were all looking at me funny as I walked up, but I thought maybe they were just surprised I was still alive. I write a lot of poetry about suicide, ya know. But then I got to the table and everyone stopped looking at me and then spread out so there wasn't room."

One of the other goth students eventually spoke up and informed Ravenblood that he needed to "stop being a conformist and dye your hair black like the rest of us" if he wanted to sit with them. For the past week, Ravenblood has been eating alone near the drama students, because his mom can't take him to CVS for hair dye until this Sunday.

July 25, 2017

Man Injures Penis on Goth Girlfriend's New Fangs


DENVER, CO—A man identified only as Josh Ravenblood has been hospitalized following an unfortunate sexual mishap with his girlfriend who had recently undergone an elective dental procedure.

The young couple were having an intimate moment in their car outside a local nightclub when the incident took place.

"I'd gotten my [dental] caps last week, and I just kind of forgot I had them. I was always meant to have fangs, so they just felt so natural, you know? I was going down on him [in the car] after Leather & Lace. The shifter was kind of in the way, so it was hard for me to really give it my all," said 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfary.

It was then, perhaps due to his girlfriend's lackluster performance, that Ravenblood took matters into his own hands.

"He grabbed me by my extensions and started thrusting my head into his lap. It was pretty hot. Then I heard him screaming. I just thought he'd finished, because for a second, I thought I could feel it in my mouth. Then I realized it wasn't... you know... it was actually blood."

Surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, Nightfary tore the lacy sleeve from the hysterical man's blouse, wrapped his lacerated organ, and promptly dialed 911. Ravenblood was rushed to a nearby hospital where he underwent emergency surgery.

When asked for any additional information, Nightfary simply smiled and stated, "I totally swallowed."

June 27, 2017

Goth Softball Game Postponed After Two-Hour Sun Delay


OSWEGO, IL—The Goths' game against the Metalheads on Thursday was postponed after a two-hour sun delay that began in the fourth inning. A makeup date will be announced next week.

As a result of the sun-out, the three-plus innings of play at Fireman's Park were wiped off the record, and the rescheduled game will begin from scratch. Zack Greyheart, who smashed what would have been his team-leading 10th home run of the season in the fourth inning, is likely to be the most disappointed by that development.

The game was paused as Jose Darksoul was batting with two outs in the top of the fourth inning and the Goths leading, 3-1. Three batters earlier, Greyheart had clobbered a two-run shot off Metalheads starter Jaime Brutal.

Despite a sunny forecast, the game began as scheduled, which meant the Goths burned Josh Ravenblood for 68 pitches over three innings. Had the game not been played, the Goths would have pushed Ravenblood back a day to start on Friday against the Punks.

That would have allowed the Goths and their underperforming and battered rotation to skip Rafael Blackness, the replacement starter for the injured Noah Deathsin.

Now, Blackness will have to start as first planned on Friday, when sun is also in the forecast.

Asked if he was unhappy about the two-hour delay before the game was called, Ravenblood replied, "I'm always unhappy."

May 24, 2019

Grendel Slain by Beowulf


MADISON, WI—In a tragic turn of events, the legendary industrial/EBM band Grendel has been slain by a man calling himself Beowulf. The man with a sizable height, rippling muscular stature, and God-like combat abilities tore through security to get to the band. Upon leaping onto the stage, he was heard shouting, "Tis I, Beowulf, hero of the Goths!" Frightened, the band attempted to flee, but their attacker would not allow it. The mighty assailant bore no weapons save for his bare hands and was seen performing the inhuman feat of ripping off frontman JD Tucker's left arm. It is said that Tucker later bled out and died from the violent spectacle set forth on stage.

Several terrified audience members at The Crucible were sobbing as they watched their favorite dark electronic idol being literally torn apart.

We managed to speak to one couple who was at the show, Lasandra Nightfaery and her boyfriend Josh Ravenblood. Nightfaery began by saying that she "thought it was all part of the act," but knew something was wrong once Tucker did not get back up to continue his performance.

"Between that and this guy, Beowulf, boasting about how he took down the 'creature known as Grendel,' I kind of figured that this wasn't a gag or set up," Ravenblood added, "But, all-in-all, the performance was pretty good up until that point. I'd have to give it a five out of seven."

Beowulf has been taken into custody following the incident where he is said to be waiting for riches and rewards for his noble act. Grendel's collective mothers have been taken into protective custody due to reported threats espoused by the man.

Had Grendel not been slain, you could have seen them on tour.

June 20, 2018

Study: Is Eating Ass Goth?



NEWBURY, CT—It seems that eating ass has become the latest sexual trend in recent years with many, many millennials constantly posting, asking, and wondering about the infatuation.

Researchers across the world are stumped as to how and why this has become such a trend considering, as one anonymous source put, “Literal shit comes from the anus. You are eating shit when you eat ass.”

Editor’s note: That’s what baby wipes are for.

But there is one question lingering in the air that has yet to be answered by our little, dark, narrow scene: Is eating ass considered to be Goth?

We at Riveting News, your number one legitimate source for all things dark and electronic, are here to answer that question. Our investigation led us to the household of Lasandra “Nightfaery” Becker, a sexual deviant and someone who has gotten her asshole licked by big tongues, small tongues, fat tongues, and flat tongues. When we first knocked on the door Nightfaery groaned, “Not you fucking guys again.”

But after offering to pay her in coffee and cigarettes, she reluctantly let us in. As we sat on the couch with one too many noticeable stains on it, Nightfaery answered our question to the best of her knowledge, “Josh Ravenblood, my boyfriend, has always called my butthole ‘the batcave’. When I tell people about that they’re thinking it’s a batman reference. But it’s not. We’re talking about actual bats here.”

Ravenblood was listening in on the conversation next to his girlfriend, and added, “She’s eaten my ass out for the past ten nights. And, I mean, if you think about it, the butthole never sees sunlight, and neither do Goths.”

Nightfaery finished out by saying, “So, yeah, I mean… I guess eating ass is Goth.”

Though these are just two of the many opinions that are in the Goth scene, the discussion can still move forward with the many make-up artists, musicians, and BDSM performers within the Goth scene. We at Riveting News say that eating ass is GOTH, as it always has been. So eat ass to your heart’s content.

July 11, 2020

Mail-Order Goth Service Growing in Popularity Thanks to COVID-19


SEATTLE, WA—The months-long shutdown caused by the novel coronavirus has made it nearly impossible to meet fellow goths. One eccentric entrepreneur has found a way to fill the social void left by the mass closures of goth clubs and make a few dollars in the process.

"It's not for anything weird; just to hang out," claims 28-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, seemingly the most naïve man in the universe.

"I found that I really miss talking about tattoos and which bands have sold out while smoking outside the club. I figure I'm not the only one."

Hanson's company, Goth-in-a-Box, offers multiple options to potential customers: a one time purchase of a gender identity of your choosing, a discounted mystery box that "may or may not contain an emo dude," or a monthly subscription service. The latter option one can only assume is geared toward serial killers.

When asked about a return policy, Hanson stated, "We offer full refunds on our one time purchase boxes should your goth turn out to be a poser or sustain a major concussion in shipping. All mystery box sales are final."

The policy is generous, but it's not without its restrictions. For instance, not being familiar with The Cure qualifies for a refund or exchange, but not liking The Nightmare Before Christmas does not.

Though the price is hefty, it should be noted that accessories are not included. Chokers and eyeliner will need to be purchased elsewhere.

As of press time, Hanson has not yet been able to get his products listed on Amazon. It would seem that Amazon will not support the exploitation of human beings unless they are employed by the company.

December 9, 2019

Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle


RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

June 3, 2019

Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck


GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

May 3, 2018

Therapist Tells Troubled Goth Patient "It's Okay to Not Like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'"


BUFORD, IN—Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker has been a Goth for as long as she can remember. From her days as a 3 year old wearing Misfits T-Shirts, to her scene days in Middle School, straight to her over dramatic Victorian Goth stage in high school, she says the style has always fit her. "Black has always been my thing. While other people were wearing pink and purple and glitter, I always stuck to the dark and the macabre. Some look up to Paris Hilton. My role model is Morticia Adams."

However, the 18-year-old bat-loving, coffee drinking enthusiast has come across a bit of a mid-Goth crisis. She has faced one issue that most Goths are afraid to confront directly: Her massive dislike of "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

"I used to think something was wrong with me. I was ashamed. Every time I'm hanging out with my friends or out at a club, I always see at the very least four of my fellow Goths wearing a Nightmare pin, shirt, or some sort of paraphernalia. They would have discussions about it laughing, and smiling, wishing they had a romance like Jack and Sally. I would just stand there and smile and nod and agree, but I hated it."

Becker discussed her first encounter with the beloved classic. She first watched it at a sleepover at a friend's house where she fell asleep during the first ten minutes. "All my friends were talking about it the next morning and I was just like completely unaware of anything."

Becker went on to say how infected the Goth culture has become by "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

"I thought in order to be Goth, you had to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' otherwise you couldn't hold the title of Goth," Becker stated.

It wasn't until Becker visited professional counselor and lifestyle coach James Frank III that she finally got her dislike for "The Nightmare Before Christmas" under control.

Frank stated, "When I first saw Lasandra she was a wreck. Her eyeliner was not on point and she was wearing sketchers with black jeans. What type of Goth wears sketchers?"

It was through this miracle worker that Becker was able to hold her title as what she truly was in life. "Frank told me that it was okay to not like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. Obviously there were many sessions involved, many months of counseling, and I finally got over it."

Becker's ultimate test was when she visited her local Goth club night where she met familiar faces. Her boyfriend, who goes by the name of Josh Ravenblood said, "I never saw her so happy in quite a while. Every time someone mentions or brings up 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' she just laughs and says it sucks."

Since her rehabilitation, Becker has continued her life as a Goth without being chained to the stereotype, "You have to like 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' to be a Goth."



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