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November 18, 2020

Goth Astrophysicist Leads Research on Dark Matter and Black Holes


CAMBRIDGE, MA—Black holes are some of the most extreme objects in the Universe: the only locations where there's so much energy in a tiny volume of space that an event horizon gets created. Everything that falls past that is forever doomed, simply adding to the black hole's gravitational pull. But what does that mean for dark matter?

Dr. Joshua "Ravenblood" Hanson is an astrophysicist and lecturer at M.I.T. has dedicated his life to answering that question. From outside a black hole, scientists have no way to gain information about what it was initially composed of, but by studying its mass, electric charge, and angular momentum (or intrinsic rotational spin), Hanson is confident its composition and thus interaction with dark matter can be quantified.

"Dark matter has no color charge, baryon number, lepton number, lepton family number, etc. I call it 'Goth Matter.' I also call black holes 'Goth Holes' because they form from the deaths of supermassive stars—which is of course normal, baryonic matter—the initial composition of a newly-formed black hole is always approximately 100% normal matter and 0% dark matter. Even though there's no definitive way to tell what black holes are made of from the outside alone, we've witnessed the direct formation of a black hole from a progenitor star; no dark matter was involved," explained Dr. Hanson as my eyes glazed over and I started trying to remember how many Lilo & Stitch sequels there are. (There are three, plus a television series.)

This went on for 15 minutes. He used a bunch of big sciencey words that very well could have been sci-fi nonsense for all I know. I was hardly listening, but I swear to God he said "Stargate" at one point. Suffice it to say, he's a huge nerd.

November 7, 2020

Biden White House Plans Include Finding Weed He Stashed in 2016


WASHINGTON, DC—Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been elected as the 46th President of the United States, and he has some unfinished business to attend to.

It seems Joe Biden put the "vice" in Vice President during his time in the Obama administration. According to former White House staff, he would regularly stash his weed in various hiding places, and then get so high that he would forget where it was.

"On more than one occasion, I was instructed to search for Mr. Biden's lost marijuana," said one former staffer who spoke under condition of anonymity.

"Quite often, he would just leave it in the back of the medicine cabinet. The thing is, there are 35 bathrooms in the White House."

The Secret Service reportedly kept a running list of the various locations in which marijuana had been found, presumably to expedite future searches. Common hiding spots include: inside coffee cans, the crisper drawer of two of three refrigerators, behind George W. Bush's presidential portrait, and the inside jacket pocket of Obama's brown suit he vowed never to wear again.

According to one inside source, Biden is relatively sure he left a joint inside a hollowed out copy of Donald J. Trump's "The Art of the Deal," but can't remember if he left it on a shelf in the library or shoved behind a toilet. Either way, he seems relatively certain that Trump would not have found anything inside a book.

Starting January 20th, 2021, Joe Biden will officially put the "Chief" in "Commander in Chief."



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