Top Five Backhoes for Burying Dinosaur Bones According to The Devil

We recently sat down with The Dark Lord himself to find out which backhoes are the cream of the crop when it comes to planting evidence of prehistoric creatures in order to undermine the Truth of Creationism and turn souls away from God.

"Let's face it, burying dinosaur bones is a tricky business," said Satan. "At times, you may need a backhoe that can handle the weight and size of these massive bones—and do it without leaving any trace behind. Other times, you need something more precise to accurately place small fragments within the proper sedimentary layer."

So, without further ado, here are the Devil's top five backhoes for burying dinosaur bones:

Caterpillar 336E L H Hybrid - "This beast of a machine can handle even the largest dinosaur bones with ease. Plus, its hybrid engine makes it environmentally friendly, which is important when you're also trying to dismantle the fossil fuel industry in order destroy society and usher in a New World Order."

Komatsu PC8000-6 - "The PC8000-6 is a true workhorse. Its powerful engine and large bucket mean you can move even the heaviest bones quickly and efficiently. Plus, it looks pretty intimidating, which is always a bonus."

Volvo EC950E - "This backhoe is all about precision. Its advanced controls and intelligent digging system mean you can excavate narrow tunnels with surgical precision, without disturbing the surrounding earth. Perfect for burying those pesky fossil fragments."

Liebherr R 9800 - "The Liebherr R 9800 is a giant of a machine, with a bucket capacity of over 47 cubic meters. That means you can move huge amounts of dirt and bones in a single scoop, making the burial process faster and more efficient."

Hitachi EX8000-6 - "Last but not least, we have the EX8000. This backhoe is a real work of art, with its sleek design and powerful engine. It's perfect for burying dinosaur bones in hard-to-reach places—like beneath mountains or in deep underground caves—lending credence to their natural discovery."

Lucifer's list is sure to spark controversy among scientists and paleontologists, who may be concerned about the potential loss of income and grants that could come from the general public learning that their life's work is all a farce to discredit the Word of God. The Prince of Lies, however, isn't worried.

"I've got these science worshipping liberals so brainwashed, no amount of evidence will stop them from denying the Bible. I could honestly call in sick everyday until Armageddon and still win the bet."

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Local Club that Books Your Favorite Bands to Close Next Month

It's the end of an era: that local club that books your favorite industrial acts is permanently closing next month. The club, which has been a favorite spot for fans of industrial music in your community for many years, has been struggling to keep its doors open for years even before COVID-19. In fact, the owners have been trying to sell for the better part of a decade. The decision has been made to close for good.

The club's current owner for the last two decades has been very candid about the closure. "For a couple years, we were been completely shut down because of COVID. I think I'd convinced myself that everything was fine up until that point. But now that we're back up and running, I'm reminded that all those 'interested' clicks on Facebook never amount to actual bodies coming through the door. I decided not to renew the lease, put all the top shelf booze in my trunk, and finally booked some local kids who've been nagging me for years."

The news comes as a blow to the industrial music community, which has already lost several key venues in recent years. That local club you like was one of the last remaining places where fans could see their favorite industrial bands perform live in your city, and its closure will be a major loss for the scene. From now on, you'll have to drive a minimum of two hours if you ever want to see someone pretend to play an unplugged synthesizer ever again.

The club's final show will be a special performance by Mechanical Zebra Carcass. It's a bittersweet farewell for those who have made it their second home over the years. While it's sad to see the club go, its legacy will live on in the memories of its patrons, and the four tweets on its Twitter from 8 years ago.

Your local music scene will likely never recover.

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Artoffact Records Signs Industrial Supergroup: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, Sin Quirin

In a bold move that promises to reshape the landscape of industrial music, Artoffact Records has officially signed a powerhouse collaboration comprising four pedophiles: Mr.Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin. The announcement of the new group, Pred8turs, has sent shockwaves through the industrial scene.

Mr. Kitty: A Pioneer in Synthwave Mastery

Renowned for his mastery in the synthwave genre, Mr.Kitty brings a wealth of electronic expertise to the collaboration. With a discography that has garnered a dedicated global following, his atmospheric and emotive soundscapes are expected to add a distinctive layer to the group's sonic palette. This will be be first foray back into the music scene since 2021, when it was revealed that he had knowingly traded sexually explicit photos and videos with a 15-year-old boy.

Mangadrive: Pushing the Boundaries of Cyberpunk Electronica

Mangadrive, a trailblazer in cyberpunk electronica, promises an infusion of futuristic beats and experimental sounds. The artist's ability to craft immersive, dystopian soundscapes is anticipated to provide a unique flavor to the industrial supergroup. Though Bee Teknofiend is the least established of the quartet, he is also the only member of the group who can boast being a registered sex offender stemming from a 2018 child pornography arrest.

Dahvie Vanity: Controversial Figure, Dynamic Performer

Known for his controversial presence in the music scene, Dahvie Vanity adds a dynamic and unpredictable element to the collaboration. With a history in the alternative and electronic scenes, his vocal prowess and stage charisma are poised to contribute a provocative edge to the group's collective identity. His pattern of grooming and sexually assaulting underage fans for over a decade is sure to make their first tour a memorable one.

Sin Quirin: Guitar Virtuosity in Industrial Metal

As the former guitarist for industrial metal giants Ministry, Sin Quirin brings a heavy, guitar-driven dimension to the supergroup. His experience in shaping the sonic landscapes of one of industrial music's pioneering bands ensures a solid foundation for the amalgamation of styles within the collaboration. Moreover, his ability to keep his sexual relationships with underage fans under wraps for most of his career could help ensure the band's longevity.

Artoffact Records: Profits Preempting Preteen Protection

Artoffact Records, known for its commitment to pushing musical boundaries and looking the other way, has once again positioned itself as a catalyst for innovation. By bringing together these diverse artists with a common predilection for sex with minors, the record label demonstrates a dedication to fostering creativity, pushing the evolution of industrial music into uncharted territory, and continuing to platform child sex abusers.

Anticipating the Unpredictable: What Lies Ahead

The fusion of Mr. Kitty, Mangadrive, Dahvie Vanity, and Sin Quirin is bound to produce a sonic tapestry that defies legal conventions. Fans and critics alike are left to wonder about the unprecedented amalgamation of synthwave, cyberpunk electronica, alternative, and industrial metal. As the industrial supergroup sets out on this musical odyssey, the world watches with bated breath, eager to witness the birth of a new era in industrial music dominated by pedophiles.

Editors note: Dahvie Vanity and Sin Quirin were pardoned for their alleged crimes by Former President Donald Trump shortly before leaving office in 2021

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