November 7, 2018

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Sessions Firing


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions' resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

Sessions is the latest in a long line of White House resignations and firings.

"At your request I am submitting my resignation," he wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly.

Matthew Whitaker will take over as acting attorney general, the President said.

Whitaker is expected to take charge of the the Russia investigation and special counsel Robert Mueller from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein.

"We are pleased to announce that Matthew G. Whitaker, Chief of Staff to Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the Department of Justice, will become our new Acting Attorney General of the United States. He will serve our Country well ...We thank Attorney General Jeff Sessions for his service, and wish him well! A permanent replacement will be nominated at a later date," Trump tweeted.

The move is an abrupt end to what had been a tumultuous tenure for Sessions, originally one of Trump's earliest and most loyal surrogates as an Alabama Republican senator. He was a key figure in implementing Trump's vision for America. But even as he continued to carry out the Trump agenda, his relationship with the President remained strained and fraught for months.

November 3, 2018

Tim Sköld of Skold Scolds Skold Manager for Scolding Sköld's Golden Retriever


GOTHENBURG, SE—Tim Sköld of Skold reportedly scolded his band Skold's manager for scolding Sköld's golden retriever for attempting to cuddle with the man.

"You don't scold a dog like that. Who doesn't want puppy cuddles? It's just cold," said Tim Sköld of Skold.

"He really ripped into him. It was gold. I almost rolled on the floor laughing," we were told by one of Sköld's stylists, Cole Daniels.

The manager has reportedly agreed to cuddle with Sköld's golden retriever next time like he was told.

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