December 12, 2017

Underground Band Furious Magazines Won't Review Their New Album


PORTLAND, OR—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is furious that their new album has not been reviewed by any online publications.

"We've been making music for a good year now. It's bullshit that these blogs aren't reviewing us. We are the best. The best of the best. Everyone needs to like our music," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group.

When we interviewed him on the spot, Maclaver went on a long, long tirade that lasted a half hour and put half the staff at Riveting News to sleep. In it, he bashed most of the industrial publications currently available. "What else do they do? It's not like they have full time jobs and other things to do. They sit at home in their rooms and listen to shit bands and that's it. But not us," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver has also sworn an online defamation war against the multi-million dollar industrial publication industry. He swears that he and his five followers will never, ever submit their albums to any online publication ever again.

Speaking to the Riveting News staff, Maclaver slandered us and stated, "Even you guys just post bullshit articles about us. Built a deck? My ass. It was a fucking patio. Get the story straight, jagoff. You guys haven't even wrote a review. I bet you only do paid reviews."

Maclaver then proceeded to stomp out of the building angrily pouting.

December 1, 2017

Gravity Kills' Jeff Scheel Falls from Fifth Floor, Survives


OKLAHOMA CITY, OK—The frontman of industrial rock band Gravity Kills survived a five story fall from an apartment building early Saturday morning. Police suspect he may have been pushed as they search for the Guilty party.

Jeff Scheel was found unconscious on top of a damaged vehicle at 13 Star Ave. at 12:30 am after Falling from a fifth-floor window, authorities said. Alcohol is not believed to have been a factor.

“I was Wide Awake when I heard a loud Crashing noise. I will Never forget it,” said One neighbor, Doug Firley. “We can Always hear people all night long, but they were running Down the stairs and yelling like they were Superstarved for attention or something. I Wanted to go down there and shut them up, but then I looked out the window. I've never seen a car's roof just Disintegrate like that.”

Another neighbor who called 911 when he heard Scheel fall, saw the stricken man on the ground, surrounded by distraught friends.

“They were asking, ‘Can you hear me?’ And another guy was asking If there were any medics Here,” said the third-floor resident, who gave his name as Kurt. “They sounded angry and they were yelling back and forth at each other.”

Though Scheel's injuries were severe, the incident occurred not far from Kerns Hospital, where he was admitted within Fifteen Minutes. A screen from the window was still on the ground outside the building Saturday, next to the car his body had landed on.

A source told us that the scene Inside the apartment from where Scheel had fallen had been Manipulated, which is Enough to suggest that someone is to Blame. Authorities are determined to Hold someone accountable, and are speaking with everyone who Last saw him.

"It is our Belief that this may have been an attempted murder. I'll tell you One Thing: I look Forward to getting to the bottom of this," said one officer and fan who asked to remain anonymous.

Scheel's friend Matt Dudenhoeffer was visibly shaken and on the verge of a Breakdown, "I'm just so glad he's Alive and I didn't have to say Goodbye. I know I would Drown in grief. That man Never hurt anyone; didn't have a single Enemy. Most rock stars are all about Love, Sex, And Money, but not Jeff. He was so kind, you could Beg And Borrow anything from him. If he ever met you, he'd never Forget Your Name. He had so much going for him, I can't believe someone would try to Take It All Away."

Scheel is said to be in a medically induced coma while he heals from broken ribs, which almost caused him to Suffocate. A candle light vigil will be held on Wednesday at Personal Jesus Methodist Church for those wishing to gather in prayer for his recovery.

November 14, 2017

Louis C.K.: "Meat Beat Manifesto Made Me Do It"


HOLLYWOOD, CA—The rise of sexual allegations in Hollywood are not to be joked about; the serious matter has been ruining celebrities left and right from the likes of Kevin Spacey to Harvey Weinstein with many men and women coming forward to address these horrible situations. It was not surprising to see the crude comedian Louis C.K. come forward and state that the allegations of sexual harassment bestowed unto him by five women are true. However, we have an inside scoop from an anonymous source who states that they know why Louis C.K. committed such defiling acts.

When questioned about his acts of perversion, Louis C.K. told our source, "Meat Beat Manifesto made me do it."

Louis C.K. went on to describe his love for the infamous post-industrial and experimental project. He said he loved them so much he took the name of the project literally and therefore went on his own Meat Beating Manifesto. Our source claimed that Louis C.K. went on to say, "Well, since I followed the name of the band like a manifesto, I took it to heart. I would go around masturbating in front of as many people as I could. My dog, my co-workers; hell, I even masturbated on the phone with my father-in-law once."

While Louis C.K. has admitted to his acts of perversion he has yet to come forward and actually talk about his intense obsession with this industrial act. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have one, Louis, so you ought to reveal this to the world next. I would not be surprised if he was also a fan of Revolting Cocks, but that's another theory for another day.

We have reached out to Louis C.K. for comment but his answering machine only brought us to sounds of further intense masturbation, a thought we will not be able to shake out of our heads for the next while.

November 8, 2017

Nivek Ogre of Skinny Puppy, ohGr Set to Star in Shrek The Musical


BROADWAY, NY—Nivek Ogre, the legendary frontman of Skinny Puppy and ohGr, has announced that he will be starring in the latest round of the musical adaptation of DreamWorks' Shrek. Though Ogre has previous film experience and shows interest in cinema, no one expected him to announce his involvement in Shrek the Musical.

"DreamWorks first contacted me about two or three months ago and said they would be ecstatic to have an Ogre play Shrek. After all, they did not want to be accused of cultural appropriation. I tried telling them that I wasn't an actual ogre, but they wouldn't listen. At least I'll get to write the music for the film," recounted Ogre.

Nivek Ogre is planning on writing out an electro-industrial album for the musical. If all goes well he did say he was planning on releasing a 2xLP limited edition version for the soundtrack of Shrek: The Electro-Industrial Musical.

The latest tour of the musical staring Ogre as the green ogre is set to start in spring of 2018 with further co-stars yet to be announced.

October 26, 2017

Report: Not Every Day is Halloween

Written by The Spoon Feed

EL PASO, TX—Industrial band Ministry is in hot water after a report has been released from the University of Chicago disputing the claims of their classic song, Every Day Is Halloween. The fifty page report details top research conducted within the University’s Astronomy Department for the past two years.

“All signs point to the contrary,” says Director of Astronomical Studies, George Kugler. “The lunar calendar has 365 days per year—366 days on a leap year. In all of our tests, only one of these days has turned out to be Halloween. That’s only 0.274% of the year as opposed to the 100% which Ministry claims as fact. So what’s really staggering isn’t just the fact that everyday is not Halloween, but the fact that such a small fraction of the calendar year is actually Halloween.”

Fans have already begun reacting to the scandal, burning albums and memorabilia in the streets. A Change.org petition is circulating calling for the band’s founding member, Al Jourgenson, to step down from his position.

“This is a real bummer,” comments Seth Gorman, 23. “Ministry really let me down—let us all down. We’ve all been living this life thinking that everyday was Halloween and it turns out only one day is Halloween. I mean, what else have they been lying about? Did Jesus actually build his hotrod, or was that all a lie too? I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m just really disappointed.”

Ministry has not released an official statement yet, but several shows have been canceled by promoters fearing bad press.

October 23, 2017

Goth Discovers That Halloween Is Not Only Holiday


ALLENTOWN, PA—In a shocking turn of events, a sheltered Goth has finally learned that Halloween is not the only holiday celebrated in America and around the world.

35-year-old basement dweller James Joby has taken to YouTube ever since 2009, creating Vlogs about Gothic, Scene, and Emo culture without ever leaving the confines of his own home. The man frequently orders in chokers, pink lipstick, and Marilyn Manson gear and clothing. While he had a string of popularity with other males in the field of the same girth, Joby has since lost a following in his later years.

Joby said, "The people who stopped following me are the ones that turned their back on this lifestyle. They had it going on when they were in their teenage years, maybe early twenties, but eventually turned their back. They were nothing but posers. I am in this for life."

But the shocking revelation about other holidays came later for the home-schooled man. When speaking to his mother, Cynthia Joby, she said, "I would always try to give him gifts for Christmas, but he would always just scoff and laugh at me saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist and to stop 'Fucking with me about these fake ass holidays.' I was highly offended, and now I have a back catalog of butt plugs and other sex devices he always wanted stuffed in a closet. I sure hope none of his relatives ever find that- it would be hard to explain."

However, after meeting a fellow onling Vlogger whose identity shall remain anonymous but is known as xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx online, his life was forever reshaped. Joby stated that she one time exclaimed, "Happy Easter" while in chat, and Joby laughed. It was only after she explained to him all the holidays that he finally accepted the reality that Halloween is not the only holiday.

Joby has been researching all the new holidays with feverish curiosity. "Christmas, St. Patrick's Day...I don't know. I think Valentine's Day sounds pretty cool. It would be nice to know what another human's touch and love feels like," Joby discussed while speaking with us.

Joby has since stated that he will make an attempt to meet and greet xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx in real life, though he has a suspicion it is his mother in disguise attempting to make him leave home and never come back.

October 17, 2017

Edgy Teen Discovers Satan Actually Pretty Chill Guy


SEEDTOWN, NC—Satan has always been depicted as an evil force or entity who is Hell bent on insuring the destruction of Christianity, as well as suckling every living Soul into his fiery domain. However, Kyle Lubitz, a Freshman at Yellow Fountain High School in Seedtown, North Carolina has just discovered an opposite truth.

"I don't know man. I always thought Satan was all about sacrificing goats and fucking over the world and everything. But the truth started coming out when I saw how many people in the Black Metal scene are actually vegans. That was the first red flag I saw," Lubitz stated.

Lubitz, a dedicated fan to cult Black Metal outfits such as Abbath and Moloch, has been listening to the projects ever since the beginning of the school year. The face paint, dedication to dark sigils and Satan himself led the child to believe Satan was a bad person. But after reading about the deity online, he came away unsatisfied with Him.

"All these movies out there depict the forces of evil as being disgusting, nasty, and nothing but murderous jerks. The Satanic Bible actually makes Satan sound pretty chill and cool. I don't understand it. How am I supposed to get through my most hormone filled stage when I don't even know what my deity is all about?" Lubitz continued.

Lubitz found a group of Satanists within his own high school and was confused when he got kicked out. Speaking to the head of the Satanic Friendship Club at Yellow Fountain High School, Miranda Smith, she stated, "Yeah, when we first met Kyle he really, really wanted to know when we were going to kill a cat or murder his ex. We kind of tried to tell him that's not what we're about. He got angry with us. Still, if we could enlighten him that would have been awesome. Now he's finding stuff out on his own. Wouldn't you know it...We were right. Fucking Kyle."

Lubitz has since stopped worshiping Satan and has moved onto worshiping Ronald McDonald.  Lubitz continued, "At least that clown is responsible for a few thousand murders per year. Fuck Satan. I'll have Ron curse everyone I know."

Lubitz then walked away from us and was bullied by high school jocks as he tried to laugh at them for wearing what he considered "Gay pants". Good for you, Kyle, good for you.

October 10, 2017

Band Asks for Fans' Phone Concert Footage to Make World's Shittiest Music Video


CONCORD, ME—Independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is still desperately trying to stand out in the industrial scene by compensating for their complete lack of originality and substance. This time they are relying on the average concertgoer's tendency to care more about proving that they attended a show than they do actually enjoying it regardless or how much they fuck up everyone else's experience.

Local fans, once eventually located and asked, had initially speculated a possible new image for frontman Scario Maclaver. Rumors of a meat dress or fake breasts were discussed in a short post by a not fake account in the band's Facebook group, which boasts over 4,000 members—some of whom actually know they are in it.

Until today, Maclaver and the rest of the band have stayed tight-lipped about their big plans. The answer came earlier today from a video shared on the rather arcane social media service, Keek. The video was uploaded at 3:42am, almost completely black and it contained Maclaver saying but a few words. “We need all of your cell phone shot concert footage. We are making our mark with the world’s shittiest music video. If anyone has any cell phone footage of our shows, send it to us immediately. And if we can get anything shot on a flip phone, that'll really put this shit over the top. That's the holy grail, man.”

A captured WeChat conversation between synth player Shavro Uticrus and an unknown person confirmed the validity of the video and also made the details a little clearer. The anonymous person asked Uticrus, “What are you guys even doing with a bunch of crowd videos? That’s going to look like shit.” To which Uticrus replied, “That is the point. The indistry [sic] even with industrial music has got to [sic] polished. It's gonna be huge. I'm thinking Guiness [sic] Records is a possibility to [sic].”

To read the full transcript of the conversation, click here.

October 2, 2017

Scientists Currently Developing Cure for Chiptune


BONN, DE—Scientists with the World Health Organization are currently working on a vaccine to stop the spread of chiptune and its current infection of industrial and electronic music.

The 8-bit menace has been ravaging the industrial scene for years, but a group of dedicated WHO researchers lead by Dr. Neil Andrews are optimistic that a fully synthesized cure is just around the corner. One that could potentially even reverse the damage it's caused.

Dr. Andrews explained, "Our ultimate goal is to completely reverse the degradation of industrial's DNA caused by the chiptune infection. The first step, of course, is to develop a vaccine and immediately begin the inoculation of all unaffected projects. Once the infection has been contained, retroviral treatments for those currently inflected would be the next step."

There are currently two teams operating under Dr. Andrew's supervision, each tasked with developing one of his self described "two pronged attack" on the sonic pestilence. While they are coordinating and sharing their research, the team in charge of developing the vaccine seems to be the main focus.

"As much as we'd like to save those already infected, if we can't protect presently uninfected bands, there's not much hope for the genre. For instance, many of my colleagues don't believe there is any hope for Victor Love. It's possible that Master Boot Record is a terminal condition," lamented Dr. Andrews. While many in the scene believe the infected may be beyond saving, his team remains hopeful that a cure may one day become a reality and make way for another Dope Stars Inc. record.

September 25, 2017

Cold Waves VI Canceled Due to Impending Heat Wave


CHICAGO, IL—Global Warming has claimed its first victim in the industrial scene. The yearly music festival, Cold Waves, has been canceled due to public safety concerns after meteorologists have predicted a massive heat wave lasting well through autumn.

This week will be cooler in Chicago, but the future beyond its 5-day forecast likely holds more temperature extremes than the city has experienced in its recorded history.

Illinois State University meteorologist Frank Gallow warned NBC Chicago this week that recent record-breaking temperatures are not a new status quo; the new status quo will be worse.

“Here’s the old normal, here’s the new normal,” Gallow explained, demonstrating with upraised hands. “We’re somewhere in between, but we haven’t finished changing yet.”

The high pressure influx that drove thermometers mad across the state last weekend has not moved on from the region in spite of lower temperatures this week. Gallow adds, "Yeah, you've seen what Hurricane Irma and Harvey have done, but wait until you see what this mother fucker is gonna do to the north. You thought you were safe up there? Not anymore. Get prepared to get fucked. Say goodbye to Eskimos."

Jason Novak, founder of Cracknation, had considered postponing until the winter months, but opted not to compete with the busy holiday season. Refunds will not be available to those who have purchased tickets due to the performers and venues having been paid upfront months in advance.

September 19, 2017

Goldman Sachs Acquires Dope Stars Inc. in $2.3 Billion Merger


WALL STREET—Goldman Sachs (NASDAQ:GS) announced today the completion of the merger with Dope Stars Inc. (NASDAQ:DSI), headquartered in Rome, Italy. The investment firm had spent eight months in negotiations with Victor Love who will hold a seat on the board of directors.

“Together with Dope Stars Inc., we offer increased regional size and strength, a more cyberpunk investment portfolio, and opportunities for our customers and associates that wouldn't be possible separately,” said Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs.

“This conversion was the culmination of countless hours spent by an outstanding group of associates dedicated to not only making this transition possible but also making it a success,” said Victor Love, frontman and CEO of Dope Stars Inc. “It was a team effort that required the support of the entire band, and we look forward to serving our fans with our now expanded presence in America."

Love's various other projects Master Boot Record, Hacking The Wave, and Epochate will remain subsidiaries of Victor Love Industries.

September 13, 2017

Sheeple Outraged After 3Teeth Proves Existence of Third Twin Tower on September 11th


FACEBOOK—Many conspiracies have sprung up surrounding the tragedy that took place on September 11th in 2001. 3Teeth frontman Alexis Mincolla has revealed that a third tower existed and was also destroyed; one that they don't want you to know about.

On September 11th, 2017, Mincolla posted a photo on the 3Teeth Facebook page showing what appears to be a third tower burning at the World Trade Center, providing concrete proof that what we've been told is a lie.

Fans and critics alike were angered, as the official story has become ingrained in American culture and accepting the truth is dangerous.

"It's absurd that they would post something like that; on today of all days," said Byron Westcock, a casual fan in strong opposition to being woke. "To think, I liked their page and listened to three of their songs, and then they pull something like this."

Regardless of what those with their heads in the sand want to believe, we now have definitive proof that every depiction of the World Trade Center over the last 40 years has been doctored.

UPDATE: Alex Jones of InfoWars has now created a section on his website dedicated to proving that a third tower existed at the World Trade Center prior to the attacks on September 11th, 2001.

September 12, 2017

Millennials Are Killing Industrial Music


As if it was not enough for Millennials to kill the fabric softener, shaving cream, and restaurant industries, as well as banks, Hooters, NASA, cocaine, the American Dream, and a list that goes on and on and on, Generation Y is now seeking to destroy the industrial music scene. Out of all the major things that millennials could seek to destroy such as banks, NASA, and the Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Echo Boomers are targeting our niche dark electronic scene.

This has become all too apparent in the recent months especially with industrial godfather :Wumpscut: announcing that he is quitting making music for more or less nothing in reference to his paycheck. With the lack of insufficient funds thanks to illegal downloads and new streaming revenue and obviously not due to the band's unwillingness to change with the times, it's obvious that millennials are to blame. For everything.

These personal tragedies have also struck me as an industrial music enthusiast as well. I went to go buy a physical copy of a CD somewhere, but it was sold out before I could purchase it. I could only imagine that somewhere in the world, some dirty rotten Millennial uploaded the CD to the internet and shared it with over one-thousand other millennials. The mere thought of that made my blood boil.

It's a sad time in industrial music and the future is bleak. We must all hang in there. The most we can do is warn everyone of the threat that millennials pose, and continue fighting the good fight.

September 6, 2017

Biblical Historian Claims Jesus Never Built Hotrod


CINCINNATI, OH—One local researcher has done a thorough investigation into claims made by the renowned industrial rock band Ministry. “Their 1991 single, ‘Jesus Built my Hotrod’, features guest vocalist Gibby Haynes from the Butthole Surfers claiming, as you would guess, that Jesus built a hotrod-style muscle car for him,” says Michael Jeuspraut. “We have, however, found significant evidence which proves that Jesus of Nazareth would not have been alive on Earth at a time or place when hotrodding would have been possible–the technology just didn’t exist in His time. Furthermore, He wasn’t a mechanic by trade. According to Biblical texts, Jesus was most likely a carpenter or possibly a stone mason.”

During my interview with Jeuspraut, I was given a lengthy lesson about Nazareth, Jesus, and the cultures and technologies of two-thousand years ago. He had also done research on hotrodding in preparation for this interview, explaining that hotrods likely didn’t appear until the 1930s in “present-day California” and that automobiles hadn’t even been invented until nearly 1,900 years after Jesus’ time on Earth. “I don’t want to sound like a stick in the mud. Heck, I love me some good old rock’n’roll music,” Jeuspraut stated, earnestly requesting this be included in this article, “but to make heretical claims such as Jesus building hotrods is outrageous and must be addressed.”

At the end of the day we must each ask ourselves who we trust. Would Butthole Surfers and Ministry lie to us? Does Michael Jeuspraut have an ulterior motive to want to defame Ministry? Does anyone actually believe that Haynes was trying to convince us that this actually happened? We received a quote from Al Jourgensen’s publicist in an email. “Al is a hotrod fanatic. In 1990, he had a ‘32 Ford 3 window coupe custom built at Fast Rat Custom Motors outside of Rockford, Illinois. The fabricator and mechanic he worked with was named Jesus Flores. Gibby knew this; it was a nod to Al. He was also extremely drunk out of his mind when he recorded the vocals. You'll notice that the lyrical content of the entire song is complete gibberish. I have no idea why you're taking this seriously.”

August 28, 2017

Trump: Revoking Virtual Terrorist Tour Visa "A No Brainer"


WASHINGTON, DC—Citing national security concerns, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order revoking the tour visa of Canadian techno-industrial darling Virtual Terrorist, effective immediately.

In a rare acquiescence to a press request, the President agreed to meet briefly with Riveting News. Immediately after entering through the White House's newly installed revolving door, we were greeted by two unpaid secret service agents. After being led to a room closely resembling a large college dorm, Mr. Trump paused his game and sat down with us to discuss his newly inked executive order.

"No one ever banned this guy. Obama didn't do it. No one did. He's been around for years. Terrorist is right in the name. It's a no brainer. Visual Terrorist [sic]. He's Visual. You can see him. Obama saw him. He did nothing. I'm not gonna say he hates America. I'm not gonna say it. I won't say it. But I really think that he must hate America though if he's letting this guy in," explained Trump.

When informed that Virtual Terrorist was the name of a Canadian electronic music project, and not an actual terrorist, Trump responded, "Look, you say Canada. It could be Russia. Or China. Or some other bad, bad country like ISIS. Maybe it could be Canada. And Canada is killing us with NATO, by the way. Killing us. Big league. And I think it's very, very bad. CNN won't tell you. They're fake news. You might be too. I don't know. Let's say you are. We're talking right now, OK? I think that you're probably not having the bad ratings they're having over there. I really think that."

The President proceeded to speak for another solid 56 minutes—covering a wide range of topics entirely unrelated to the executive order—at times almost nearing some semblance of coherence.

When pressed for comment about his past Twitter accusations that Riveting News was "fake news," Mr. Trump denied having a Twitter account and dove into a ball pit.

August 22, 2017

Lights Out God Help Me Fans Angry After Uneventful Eclipse


PRESQUE ISLE, ME—On Monday, August 21, 2017, North America was treated to an eclipse of the sun. Anyone within the path of totality from Salem, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina saw one of nature’s most awe inspiring sights. Observers outside this path still saw a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun's disk.

Industrial/power noise/killing floor act Lights Out, God Help Me has now drawn ire from fans after his inferred promises about what may take place after the lights go out went unfulfilled.

"There's so much awful shit going on in the world. The lights went out; god didn't help us," said one angry fan.

Others are angry for different reasons.

"He said we'd all burn, we didn't. Said we'd all drown, here we are. I'm beginning to think he doesn't tell the truth," said another questioning fan.

When reached for comment, LOGHM responded, "Are you fucking serious right now?"

August 18, 2017

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Bannon Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of chief White House strategist Steve Bannon submitting his resignation, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only weeks after former communications director Anthony Scaramucci's 11 day stint came to an end. Before his final day, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

According to The New York Times, Bannon submitted his resignation on August 7, but the announcement of his ouster was delayed until today thanks to the events in Charlottesville. The White House described the departure as a mutual agreement between Bannon and chief of staff John Kelly.

"We are grateful for his service and wish him the best," said press secretary Sarah Sanders.

Bannon took over as Trump's campaign chairman a year and a day ago, and he was credited with bringing much-needed focus and discipline to what had been a seat-of-the-pants operation. Bloomberg Businessweek writer Joshua Green argues that without Bannon's skill at mobilizing disaffected white male voters, "I don't think Donald Trump would have been elected president."

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

August 15, 2017

Cincinatti Zoo Builds Elitist Goth Sanctuary


CINCINNATI, OH—Though the Cincinnati Zoo has become well known for the Harambe Incident in both media and pop culture, the board behind the wildlife sanctuary is about to make a shocking announcement to the world: They are building the world's first Elitist Goth Sanctuary.

Requesting an interview with us for being the leading Industrial/Gothic online webzine we got the chance to speak with board member Joseph Wallace about the upcoming Gothic enclosure. When asked about the idea he stated, "I'm an early '80s Goth, you know. The best kind. Big hair, lots of black on black clothing, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees and all that good stuff. I kept getting sick of all these young kids entering our scene trying to bring color and happiness into it. Emos, scene kids, cyber goths—this isn't Mortal Kombat."

The enclosure is stated to be a three square mile caged environment, complete with a dancefloor, bar, and more. "We didn't want to include too many outside areas for the Goth enclosure, because Goths don't get too much sunlight. We're afraid they're going to burn off and die should they receive too much Vitamin D."

To counter the assault from the sun's rays, they have started construction on an interconnecting and underground bat cave. "Everyone knows that bats are a goth's best friend," continued Wallace, "So why not let the Goths live with them?" The construction workers are planning on littering the floors of the caves with eyeliner, nail polish, and plenty of jewelry.

The Elite Goths are notorious for having a strict and limited amount of songs they enjoy hearing, so Wallace has set up three separate DJ setlists for the Goths. "When they get in the enclosure as their new permanent home, we want them to enjoy themselves. Going into a Goth club you just know that there will be the same songs played over and over again each time you enter a club—which is great. We want to keep the environment stable and enjoyable for the sensitive Elite Goth. Therefore we have handpicked thirty tracks in total which will play on repeat throughout the day."

As of right now, Wallace and his team are bulldozing the grounds where the Goth Sanctuary will be built. Work will be slow and steady, but he plans on having the enclosure ready for public viewing by October of 2018.

August 8, 2017

Combichrist to Record EP with Ed Sheeran


UPDATE: Soon after we broke this story, Andy LaPlegua confirmed the previously under wraps collaboration on his personal Instagram account.

LONDON, UK—Andy LaPlegua of Combichrist fame has written several new songs with multi-platinum artist Ed Sheeran as he plots a change in course for his ever-evolving band.

According to our sources, they have co-written a track together, their first time teaming up since LaPlegua first approached the "Shape of You" singer about a collaborative project. Fans will soon be treated to a snippet of the new song on LaPlegua's Facebook page. It's been reported that at least four more songs are in the works.

“They've been friends for years, ever since Andy first ran into Ed at a coffee shop in Los Angeles. He told Ed he'd become a big inspiration for him lately," a source told us. “The collaboration actually came about very quickly earlier this year. Andy was told that Ed was beginning to write a song with him in mind."

An excited La Plegua reportedly flew straight to the U.K. to finish writing the track with Ed, before recording the next day.

While LaPlegua will certainly enjoy the support of Combichrist's already huge fan base, the industrial star is clearly keen to branch out into the folk-pop scene, and working with Sheeran, currently one of the most sought-after songwriters in the music business, will give him a boost.

July 31, 2017

Trump Installs Literal Revolving Door in White House Following Scaramucci Resignation


WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci submitting his resignation Monday, President Donald Trump has installed a literal revolving door in the White House in order to streamline his administration's high turnover rate.

The news comes only days after Scaramucci's hiring. After his arrival, the White House saw the resignations of press secretary Sean Spicer and chief of staff Reince Priebus.

A day before Priebus' announced departure last week, Scaramucci made headlines for delivering a scathing, profanity-laced critique of Priebus and others to a reporter from The New Yorker.

Sources inside the White House told Riveting News that Scaramucci offered his resignation Monday morning to newly sworn-in chief of staff John Kelly, with a request to be redeployed as chief strategy officer at the Export-Import Bank, to allow Kelly to assert his leadership in the West Wing.

White House press secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed Scaramucci's departure in a statement after the news broke.

"Mr. Scaramucci felt it was best to give chief of staff John Kelly a clean slate and the ability to build his own team," the statement read.

Scaramucci's role formally began only last Wednesday, July 26.

This story is developing. Please check back for updates.

July 27, 2017

Exclusive: Stream the New Nine Inch Nails for Free



The latest Nine Inch Nails EP "Add Violence" is said to be Trent Reznor's best work to datenin
Do you agree? Let us know in the comments below.

July 25, 2017

Man Injures Penis on Goth Girlfriend's New Fangs



DENVER, CO—A man identified only as Josh Ravenblood has been hospitalized following an unfortunate sexual mishap with his girlfriend who had recently undergone an elective dental procedure.

The young couple were having an intimate moment in their car outside a local nightclub when the incident took place.

"I'd gotten my [dental] caps last week, and I just kind of forgot I had them. I was always meant to have fangs, so they just felt so natural, you know? I was going down on him [in the car] after Leather & Lace. The shifter was kind of in the way, so it was hard for me to really give it my all," said 23-year-old Lasandra Nightfaery.

It was then, perhaps due to his girlfriend's lackluster performance, that Ravenblood took matters into his own hands.

"He grabbed me by my extensions and started thrusting my head into his lap. It was pretty hot. Then I heard him screaming. I just thought he'd finished, because for a second, I thought I could feel it in my mouth. Then I realized it wasn't... you know... it was actually blood."

Surprisingly calm throughout the ordeal, Nightfaery tore the lacy sleeve from the hysterical man's blouse, wrapped his lacerated organ, and promptly dialed 911. Ravenblood was rushed to a nearby hospital where he underwent emergency surgery.

When asked for any additional information, Nightfaery simply smiled and stated, "I totally swallowed."

July 19, 2017

Deaf EDM Producer Keeps Getting Booked for Power Noise Shows


RICHMOND, VA—In a controversial case that has had the internet's electronic music scene up in arms, a deaf EDM producer has only been booked by promoters for power noise shows since his debut in the scene five years ago.

Jerry Smith, aka DJ Eardrum, has been practicing and toying with synthesizers and DAWs for the past eight years, but it was not until June 2012 when he got his first gig. "I posted an ad on Craigslist linking anyone curious to what I do. I got contacted a few weeks later by some dude who told me to go to his venue in Colorado."

Things immediately did not seem right for Eardrum as when he got to the venue it looked like a broken down hole in the wall, not the usual lit up, college bro party drinking slophouse he was used to seeing on the internet. That didn't stop Eardrum from playing the set with his whole heart, however.

"As the set went on, all these goths flooded the dancefloor and I could not understand. I thought they hated EDM, but I made them party all night. They were really into it. It was then that I realized that my music must be so good that it's able to cross some sort of subcultural barrier."

DJ Eardrum is currently setting up a new EDM night in his hometown of Richmond, VA which is already making waves across the power noise scene.

July 14, 2017

Director Stanley Kubrick's Extensive Involvement in Moon Landing Hoax


It has been suggested that Stanley Kubrick, the truly gifted director who was responsible for such classics as 2001: A Space Odyssey was hired to help fake the Apollo landings. Given Kubrick’s painstaking attention to detail, it is now well known that he was involved in this elaborate conspiracy.
But if Kubrick was responsible for this ruse, it should certainly be considered his finest work. Just look at these special effects models he left behind. They were recently photographed by the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). Here is the Apollo 11 set:
Most Directors would have been content to use a large sound stage, but Kubrick insisted on shooting on location. One anonymous source, claiming to be a member of Kubrick’s film crew for the moon project, has claimed that the Director insisted on shooting on the Lunar surface “Because he wanted to get the light just right.” The alleged cameraman has also stated that setting up the sets and operating the cameras in the harsh Lunar environment was extremely difficult, but as they were being paid more than double union scale it was well worth it.
Kubrick also insisted on building new sets for the later Apollo shoots, claiming that reusing the Apollo 11 set would lead to a lack of nuance between shoots.
Here is Kubrick’s Apollo 12 set:
Unfortunately the Apollo 13 shoot turned into a disaster. The principle shooting was very arduous, and then most of the Lunar surface footage was severely damaged by radiation from a Solar flare. Kubrick tried to fix the project in editing, but in the end he simply wasn’t satisfied with the result. He convinced a reluctant NASA to change the project to a rescue thriller, since most of the orbital photography was still usable and they could do most of the new lines with simple voiceovers. The project sold better than expected, but Kubrick was still disappointed about the ruined footage, as well as the several members of his film crew who died during production.
The Apollo 14 shoot was much easier and quicker, as they simply re-used the Apollo 13 set and re-recorded the dialog with the new Astronaut-Actors.
Here is the renamed set for the Apollo 14 shoot:
The tracks visible in the picture were caused by the film crew travelling to the set, as they landed a short distance away from the set to avoid damaging the fairly fragile models. Kubrick incorporated one of the camera carts into the shooting as a Lunar Rover to account for the film crews tracks.
But despite the success of the Apollo 14 project, Kubrick was getting bored with the whole NASA contract. He wanted to add a subplot involving a love triangle charged with sexual tension between the Apollo 15 Astronauts for the next shoot, but the NASA bureaucrats simply wouldn’t go for it.
For the Apollo 16 shoot Kubrick tried to sell a poignant story about a crash on the Lunar dark side, but NASA wouldn’t approve actually killing the Astronauts. Kubrick insisted that the deaths, while tragic, were artistically necessary to the plot, but NASA wouldn’t budge. The Director was furious about the obstructionist role NASA had assumed, but decided to continue with the next Apollo project, already deep in pre-production.
For the Apollo 17 shoot Kubrick decided to tone down the testosterone level by adding a woman scientist to the story. He was also hoping to sway NASA by pitching a more low brow concept that would have broader appeal to the flagging American audience.
Kubrick’s script was centered on the character of Dr. Sandra Goodacre, a marine biologist coming to terms with her place in the Universe while investigating the lost seas of the Moon. Kubrick also told the NASA bigwigs that she would have really big boobs which he said “Would look really amazing in the low Lunar gravity!” NASA told him that they would consider it.
Kubrick’s vision was not to be.
A week before shooting was scheduled to start NASA gave him a revised script, throwing the Director into a renewed rage. Kubrick’s reaction was remembered by a friend who would later relay the director’s profound disappointment. “Those bloody bastards axed Sandra!” shouted the Director, “Now I’m stuck with some Geologist schmuck named Harrison Goddamned Schmitt, and all he freaking does is pick up rocks and shit!”
Kubrick shot the Apollo 17 project, mostly due to legal considerations, but he would never again speak to anyone at NASA.
NASA still had three full-sized Saturn V props left, and they seriously considered producing more Apollo projects, even starting preliminary talks with David Lean as the new Director.
But politics would intervene.
Richard Nixon, needing to make budget cuts to continue funding the Vietnamese War, cancelled the entire Apollo project. Nixon was also apparently disappointed about not getting to see the footage of the “Moon-whale babe”, but that was almost certainly a minor factor in his decision.
No major film Director has been to the Moon since.

This answer is dedicated to my stepfather Andre, who passed away last Thursday. I hope he would have chuckled while reading it.
Rest well Andre

This article was republished from Quora.com with Mr. Gemain's consent.

July 11, 2017

Goth Rhinoceros Wants to Go Extinct


AKAGERA, RW—Though the black rhino has been struggling to survive for decades, there exists one that has for years been a proponent of its entire species dying out.

The East African black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis minor) is one of the few remaining black rhino subspecies left in the world, and is currently listed as endangered due primarily to poaching; rhino horn made into dagger handles is a symbol of wealth in many countries. Contrary to popular opinion, the horn is not consumed primarily as an aphrodisiac; only small amounts are used for this purpose. 23-year-old Kamhout, an avid Bauhaus fan and resident at Akagera National Park in Rwanda, reluctantly participates in the Eastern Black Rhinoceros Species Survival Plan, a shared conservation effort by zoos throughout the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Despite his overall disinterest in existence, Kamhout once narrowly escaped his own death when poachers attempted to lure him into a trap using a special collector's edition Blu-ray copy of The Crow. Some volunteers have speculated that the brooding pachyderm may have refused to play into their hands due to his desire to witness the the extinction of his species, though park officials have pointed out that Kamhout also does not own a Blu-ray player.

July 5, 2017

Musician Takes Fan Response to Limited Edition Cassettes Literally


MADISON, WI—The frontman of Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at their merch table.

During a recent tour stop in the Dairy State, Scario Maclaver was working the merch table after his band's set when a man in his early thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented the singer on his performance. Upon thanking him, Maclaver promptly drew the man's attention to the limited edition cassette copies of the latest Mechanical Zebra Carcass album.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I really didn't even wanna do them, because who the fuck wants a cassette? Scar was adamant though that we have 'em pressed up. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl.' But yeah, this was the first time on the tour I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted the band's synth player Shavro Uticrus.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Jeremy Lane, 23, told us, "MZC is all about the fans, man. Scario will do whatever it takes to keep us satisfied. That dude in the cat shirt was a dick. I own that tape, and I love holding it in my hands while I listen to the first copy I bought off iTunes."

Maclaver was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. The band has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. A user "jlan1994" currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

June 27, 2017

Goth Softball Game Postponed After Two-Hour Sun Delay


OSWEGO, IL—The Goths' game against the Metalheads on Thursday was postponed after a two-hour sun delay that began in the fourth inning. A makeup date will be announced next week.

As a result of the sun-out, the three-plus innings of play at Fireman's Park were wiped off the record, and the rescheduled game will begin from scratch. Zack Greyheart, who smashed what would have been his team-leading 10th home run of the season in the fourth inning, is likely to be the most disappointed by that development.

The game was paused as Jose Darksoul was batting with two outs in the top of the fourth inning and the Goths leading, 3-1. Three batters earlier, Greyheart had clobbered a two-run shot off Metalheads starter Jaime Brutal.

Despite a sunny forecast, the game began as scheduled, which meant the Goths burned Josh Ravenblood for 68 pitches over three innings. Had the game not been played, the Goths would have pushed Ravenblood back a day to start on Friday against the Punks.

That would have allowed the Goths and their underperforming and battered rotation to skip Rafael Blackness, the replacement starter for the injured Noah Deathsin.

Now, Blackness will have to start as first planned on Friday, when sun is also in the forecast.

Asked if he was unhappy about the two-hour delay before the game was called, Ravenblood replied, "I'm always unhappy."

June 19, 2017

Gas Leak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero


ISLINGTON, UK—A ruptured pipe caused a gas leak over the weekend inside Electrowerkz, a renowned three story nightclub in London's Islington District. The leak appears to have occurred during Slimelight, a popular weekly Saturday night club event. Slimelight usually operates two dance floors: a darkwave/goth room (on the ground level), and an ebm/aggrotech room (on the middle level). From time to time, the third dance floor (on the top level) will play power noise. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the second level aggrotech floor due to minor renovations in the ground floor.

The patrons in attendance suffered no respiratory issues, and danced the night away to [Android\K├Âlon:58] completely oblivious to the hazard. The leak was discovered the next morning when a custodian lost consciousness while cleaning the club. Repairs and renovations have since been completed, and Slimelight is set to be in full swing this coming Saturday on all three Electrowerkz dance floors.

June 12, 2017

Eric Oehler Accidentally Conjures Malevolent Spirit While Playing Theremin During Caustic Set


MILWAUKEE, WI—Toward the end of the night on day two of Milwaukee's first annual Sanctuary Festival, Caustic had begun performing their set. Eric Oehler (Null Device) was manning the controls and theremin, special guest Brian Graupner (The Gothsicles) was doing something with an iPad while fist pumping, and Matt Fanale (all around douche) was on the edge of the stage screaming into a helpless SM58 and licking the forehead of a Riveting News field reporter.

About six songs in, a focused Oehler could be seen working the theremin in an especially intricate manner. After about a minute or so, a wavering, bluish haze began to coalesce. What initially appeared to be an interaction between the fog machine and stage lights soon became an unmistakable aberration.

"I was just in the zone. Lady Business always gets me going. I began to feel a slight inner sense of dread; I just chalked it up to anxiety, because I knew a Riveting News journalist was watching, and that's a pretty big deal. I didn't even notice what was happening," recounted Oehler.

Suddenly, the bluish haze became a large dull flame, and a dark, menacing figure appeared.

Said an excited Graupner, "I was so stoked; I thought it was a Castlevania ghost. I started looking around for a loose XLR cable I could use as a whip. I can handle those, no problem. Two hits, and they're done."

Almost immediately after the entity had fully materialized, an energized Fanale began sensually dry humping the shadowy figure. It was then that a previously stunned audience cheered and resumed stomping on the dance floor. The dark entity seemingly became confused, and vanished after about 15 seconds once Fanale had reached around and attempted to sodomize it with the microphone.

The guys continued to play seamlessly through and beyond the mystical wraith's appearance, although a cautious Oehler noticeably avoided the theremin for the remainder of the set.

June 7, 2017

Pair of Combat Boots Never Seen Combat


ALLENTOWN, PA–It's been revealed that a pair of combat boots owned by a local goth have only ever been worn in a club setting. Stomping to Front Line Assembly is the closest they've come to seeing actual front lines.

Riveting News reporter Steven Gullotta uncovered the shocking truth behind the stylish footwear:

As I walked through the dance floor of my local, awesome, and super packed industrial night club and stared at everyone's boots, I began to notice a bit of an oddity: Not one of these pairs of boots seem all that used. In fact, most of them looked brand new and as if they were only worn at the club and nowhere else. I could not understand this, especially since all the blackened leather was fit for combat and not for a club night of dancing. I mean, really, how are you gonna dance in them things? You'll crush someone's toes off if you accidentally stepped on them. This is why I launched a full fledged investigation.

I went up to the nearest goth that I could find and pulled him aside. After greeting me with a very friendly, “What the fuck are you doing?” I was able to sit him down at a table and have a talk with him. He seemed to calm down as soon as I slid him some black nail polish and a graphic novel adaptation of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

After a series of vigorous questions directed toward the anonymous 31-year-old, I discovered that his boots were in fact combat boots that he had purchased at his local military surplus store.

"Yeah, these boots are the real deal, but I only wear them when I'm at the club 'cause I have to dress normal in the streets just in case my boss sees me. I don't wanna get fired. But after all the recent night club shootings, I figured I needed some protection. So combat boots it was," he explained in a not-very-convincing manner.

Continuing on, he stated that should he ever see combat, he's sure his boots will give him the upper hand, “These things easily give me an extra quarter inch of height against my opponent. And, you know, you gotta take the high ground in a fight. It helps.”

June 5, 2017

UPDATE: Steven Archer of Ego Likeness, Stoneburner Replaces Stolen Hair with Mop


UPDATE: Since the theft of his hair by a crazed fan, Steven Archer has taken to wearing the head of a mop as a sort of "security blanket" as he copes with the loss of his identity. Fellow artists have started a betting pool on whether the hair can be recovered by authorities, or if he will be forced to grow it all back.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BALTIMORE, MD—Steven Archer of Ego Likeness and Stoneburner was accosted by a thieving fan while performing at a local venue over the weekend.

Archer was slapping fives with fans between Ego Likeness' second and third song when one opportunistic concertgoer grabbed a fistful of the musician's luxurious locks. Before security could intervene, the rogue fan had produced an electric razor and removed the gorgeous mop from Archer's head.

Archer, though shocked and noticeably shaken, resumed his guitar playing for the remainder of the set. Halfway through the next song, a fedora was thrown on stage (presumably meant for Archer) which he angrily kicked back into the crowd.

After leaving the stage, Archer's wife, singer Donna Lynch, could be seen holding her distraught husband as he wept into her shoulder.

No arrests have been made, but witnesses say the thief was a wild-eyed bald man in his late 30s to early 40s wearing new glasses, Daisy Dukes, and a t-shirt that said "Blame Caustic."

May 30, 2017

Hot Topic Employee Fired for Criticizing The Nightmare Before Christmas


SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worker, identified as 17-year-old Krystyna, was let go when she took her previously acceptable melancholy and indifferent attitude too far and referred to the Tim Burton cult classic as "lame."

Riveting News reporter Nicholas Gnames was on scene when the events unfolded:

The store’s decorations looked like Tim Burton held 18 to 24-year-old girls down and tattooed various depictions of Jack Skellington on them in the most visible of places to show the world just how original they are and then stapled the girls themselves to the walls.

As a 36-year-old man, I was sort of inspired.

"Do you have that 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website?” I asked a girl name Krystyna because she was obviously Ukranian or her mom thought she was creative but was instead a total failure even when she attempted to be a photographer.

"But you’re a man. Why would you want a girl’s hoodie?" she inquired.

Fairly certain I had not heard a yes or a no, I pressed onward, "It’s reversible. Perhaps the reversed side is a men’s hoodie."

"Whatever, it’s like totally lame either way. Everything’s lame."

I too remember being 17 and working my first job. I too remember being unable to answer even the most simple of questions, usually because I was very, very high on marijuana. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for me because I was literally shivering, and if I could just get a hoodie, men’s or women’s, I would not be shivering any longer. I began screaming for warmth. A manager approached me.

"Sir, please, keep it down, our target demographic is 6-year-old girls and their 19-year-old mothers—because they typically like the same things—and they seem frightened." The nerve of this guy…

"Listen, all I want is my 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website, and Krystyna told me that was lame and assumed my gender."

He fired her on the spot. I felt terrible until later when I saw her working at Torrid where her ass belonged in the first place.

May 24, 2017

BREAKING: Joe Letz of Combichrist Actually Black Man in Whiteface All These Years


NEW YORK, NY—It has been revealed that famed Combichrist drummer, Joe Letz, who has recently found himself at the center of a black face controversy, is in fact a black man who has been masquerading as a white man with emo hair all these years.

Photos of Letz not wearing his usual whiteface on stage have surfaced over the past month and caused a massive misunderstanding among the industrial scene. He has been accused donning blackface and being a racist. As it turns out, "Joe Letz" is actually 34-year-old David Mukembe, a performance artist of Gambian decent.

Said Mukembe, "This has been my greatest piece yet. In disguising myself as a Caucasian, sub-par drummer in a mediocre industrial band, I was able to shine a light on the impending death of industrial music."

Mukembe also made a clarifying statement about his whiteface, " I only disguised myself as an obnoxious white guy in order to blend in. This wouldn't have worked if I'd been one of the five black musicians in the scene. I in no way meant to insult white people or belittle their culture's struggles through history."

Mukembe also apologized for dragging out what was essentially a bad joke for over a decade. He has since left the band, and Combichrist's original drummer, Roland TR-909 has taken his place.

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