CINCINNATI, OH—Though the Cincinnati Zoo has become well known for the Harambe Incident in both media and pop culture, the board behind the wildlife sanctuary is about to make a shocking announcement to the world: They are building the world's first Elitist Goth Sanctuary.
Requesting an interview with us for being the leading Industrial/Gothic online webzine we got the chance to speak with board member Joseph Wallace about the upcoming Gothic enclosure. When asked about the idea he stated, "I'm an early '80s Goth, you know. The best kind. Big hair, lots of black on black clothing, The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees and all that good stuff. I kept getting sick of all these young kids entering our scene trying to bring color and happiness into it. Emos, scene kids, cyber goths—this isn't Mortal Kombat."
The enclosure is stated to be a three square mile caged environment, complete with a dancefloor, bar, and more. "We didn't want to include too many outside areas for the Goth enclosure, because Goths don't get too much sunlight. We're afraid they're going to burn off and die should they receive too much Vitamin D."
To counter the assault from the sun's rays, they have started construction on an interconnecting and underground bat cave. "Everyone knows that bats are a goth's best friend," continued Wallace, "So why not let the Goths live with them?" The construction workers are planning on littering the floors of the caves with eyeliner, nail polish, and plenty of jewelry.
The Elite Goths are notorious for having a strict and limited amount of songs they enjoy hearing, so Wallace has set up three separate DJ setlists for the Goths. "When they get in the enclosure as their new permanent home, we want them to enjoy themselves. Going into a Goth club you just know that there will be the same songs played over and over again each time you enter a club—which is great. We want to keep the environment stable and enjoyable for the sensitive Elite Goth. Therefore we have handpicked twelve tracks in total which will play on repeat throughout the day. Any more than that would increase the risk of agitation among the occupants as disagreements and genre gatekeeping are more likely to occur."
As of right now, Wallace and his team are bulldozing the grounds where the Goth Sanctuary will be built. Work will be slow and steady, but he plans on having the enclosure ready for public viewing by October of 2018.
