RedBubble

August 13, 2020

Industrial Music Shirts on Redbubble.com

We were compensated for this post. This post also contains affiliate links and we will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on our links.
Redbubble.com has something for everyone—even rivet heads. Turns out, there's a huge selection of Industrial-related shirts as well as EBM-related shirts. Just search "industrial music," "ebm," "electronic music," or your favorite band to see what they have. They're not lame either. There's a sick, Throbbing Gristle shirt  based on an old flyer from 1979 when they played at Goldsmith's College.

Also, check out their new selection of face masks.

Musicians, they've got stuff for you too. Wear a MicroKorg One on your chest, and let everyone know you're a synth addict. There's plentyy more synthesizer and gear designs too.

Ok, yes, we're getting paid for this post and will get a commission if you buy anything after clicking on these links or pictures, but that doesn't change the fact that some of this stuff is pretty awesome. There's no reason we both can't benefit from this.


We were compensated for this post. This post also contains affiliate links and we will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on our links.

July 11, 2020

Mail-Order Goth Service Growing in Popularity Thanks to COVID-19


SEATTLE, WA—The months-long shutdown caused by the novel coronavirus has made it nearly impossible to meet fellow goths. One eccentric entrepreneur has found a way to fill the social void left by the mass closures of goth clubs and make a few dollars in the process.

"It's not for anything weird; just to hang out," claims 28-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, seemingly the most naïve man in the universe.

"I found that I really miss talking about tattoos and which bands have sold out while smoking outside the club. I figure I'm not the only one."

Hanson's company, Goth-in-a-Box, offers multiple options to potential customers: a one time purchase of a gender identity of your choosing, a discounted mystery box that "may or may not contain an emo dude," or a monthly subscription service. The latter option one can only assume is geared toward serial killers.

When asked about a return policy, Hanson stated, "We offer full refunds on our one time purchase boxes should your goth turn out to be a poser or sustain a major concussion in shipping. All mystery box sales are final."

The policy is generous, but it's not without its restrictions. For instance, not being familiar with The Cure qualifies for a refund or exchange, but not liking The Nightmare Before Christmas does not.

Though the price is hefty, it should be noted that accessories are not included. Chokers and eyeliner will need to be purchased elsewhere.

As of press time, Hanson has not yet been able to get his products listed on Amazon. It would seem that Amazon will not support the exploitation of human beings unless they are employed by the company.

July 6, 2020

Big Dick Goth Boyfriend Overshadowed by Big Titty Goth Girlfriend


CINCINNATI, OH—Being a well endowed male always has its perks; should you and your date take a hot dive at the nearest motel your large member will be an eye catcher and a physical pleasure; becoming a modern day cam-boy could easily become a dream come true; in fact, you're probably the talk of the town between your next door Cougar Mrs. Smith and her friends who look at you through their window with lusty eyes. But just when does being a pizza with extra sausage become more of a shore than an actual fantasy? For big dick goth boyfriend, Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, it's when he's in public with his big titty goth girlfriend, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

Ravenblood used to be shy about his ten-pound package of beef often choosing to be berated by his teachers in high school when they would call him to the chalkboard; he often chose not to get up as his half-chub would be enormous.

"I wouldn't often think of anything back then," Ravenblood said, "But when I did my mind would wonder into sexual territory and soon enough there would be a volcano bound to erupt. I decided I would rather be scolded than get up."

But his journey into adulthood changed that. Embracing what he was and his larger-than-life status was a difficult journey for him but eventually he found comfort. He said about this revelation, "Yeah, when I was around nineteen I said, 'Fuck it,' and began wearing really tight leather pants in my own home. This was around the time I began dating Nightfaery. But that's where it all went wrong."

"I never really thought of them as being huge nor myself as being a bit titty goth girlfriend. But I guess the internet thinks I am, because every time I post a photo on Instagram, I get at least four different boys in the comments stating, 'MOMMY, GIVE ME MILKY,'" said Nightfaery.

But just as Ravenblood found the courage to go out in public with his bonkrod did he only do so side-by-side with Nightfaery.

"It was awesome; I picked out the perfect pair of black skinny jeans I had and walked right into the biggest mall in the state. But not a word was said about my womb broom; not a single word was spoken about the potential operation of my crane and its wrecking balls could produce. Instead, everywhere we went Nightfaery's slammers were the star of the show. It was the worst fucking day of my life," said Ravenblood.

May 15, 2020

Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like


BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

May 11, 2020

Hacker Totally Responsible for And One Twitter Rampage


UPDATE: And One's official Twitter and Facebook have been deleted. Super weird, because it's usually only guilty people who erase their social media presence.

It was totally a hacker who set out to make the barely-still-relevant synthpop act look bad, so you can still play Military Fashion Show when you DJ.

In case you didn't hear, And One has gone fully insane on Twitter after watching "Plandemic" during a meth binge (Editor's Note: The meth part is purely speculation on the part of the author). In addition to calls for Trump to invade their home country of Germany and implying that Hitler wasn't all that bad, they primarily lashed out at World Health Organization Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus and Bill Gates, two major subjects of the dumb YouTube video posted by an adult man with a gemstone nose piercing. Other targets of And One's wrath included Greta Thunberg, Twitter Support, and a young boy dancing in a video.

This all followed months of weird, Q-Anon, Trumpy Facebook posts that would appear and disappear. Now we're to believe that it was a hacker all this time that managed to perfectly match the cadence and grammar of their regular posts? C'mon, bro, we're buying And None of that.

February 28, 2020

Coronavirus Outbreak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero


ISLINGTON, UK—The deadly Coronavirus has made its way to London. One small community, however, has somehow remained uninfected.


 An outbreak has rocked parts of the city, hitting peak infection numbers and several deaths over the weekend. One small community in the Islington District has somehow remained an outlier.

It has been determined by the CDC that much of the staff at a local nightclub in London's Islington District has contracted the virus. The club operates two to dance floors: an ebm/aggrotech room on the ground level and a darkwave/goth room on the top level. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the ground level aggrotech floor due to several bartenders and a DJ being out sick.

All patrons have shown no symptoms and tested negative for Coronavirus, although about a third of the club's regulars have tested positive for gonorrhea. All infected staff have been hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.



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