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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query covid. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query covid. Sort by date Show all posts

October 2, 2020

WATCH: Donald Trump Praises Riveting News from Hospital, Slams Brutal Resonance



WASHINGTON, DC—Though he faces serious health concerns due to the novel coronavirus, President Trump has been vigorously sharing his unprompted opinions on random subjects with any and all hospital staff within earshot.

While being treated for COVID-19 with his wife Melania, Trump weighed in on the industrial scene's top two news sites, Riveting News and Brutal Resonance.  Though unexpected, what he had to say was not surprising considering some of the questionable reporting the latter publication has done in recent years. Special thanks to Austin Nasso for this exclusive footage.

July 11, 2020

Mail-Order Goth Service Growing in Popularity Thanks to COVID-19


SEATTLE, WA—The months-long shutdown caused by the novel coronavirus has made it nearly impossible to meet fellow goths. One eccentric entrepreneur has found a way to fill the social void left by the mass closures of goth clubs and make a few dollars in the process.

"It's not for anything weird; just to hang out," claims 28-year-old Josh "Ravenblood" Hanson, seemingly the most naïve man in the universe.

"I found that I really miss talking about tattoos and which bands have sold out while smoking outside the club. I figure I'm not the only one."

Hanson's company, Goth-in-a-Box, offers multiple options to potential customers: a one time purchase of a gender identity of your choosing, a discounted mystery box that "may or may not contain an emo dude," or a monthly subscription service. The latter option one can only assume is geared toward serial killers.

When asked about a return policy, Hanson stated, "We offer full refunds on our one time purchase boxes should your goth turn out to be a poser or sustain a major concussion in shipping. All mystery box sales are final."

The policy is generous, but it's not without its restrictions. For instance, not being familiar with The Cure qualifies for a refund or exchange, but not liking The Nightmare Before Christmas does not.

Though the price is hefty, it should be noted that accessories are not included. Chokers and eyeliner will need to be purchased elsewhere.

As of press time, Hanson has not yet been able to get his products listed on Amazon. It would seem that Amazon will not support the exploitation of human beings unless they are employed by the company.

February 28, 2020

Coronavirus Outbreak at Cyber Goth Rave Kills Zero


ISLINGTON, UK—The deadly Coronavirus has made its way to London. One small community, however, has somehow remained uninfected.


 An outbreak has rocked parts of the city, hitting peak infection numbers and several deaths over the weekend. One small community in the Islington District has somehow remained an outlier.

It has been determined by the CDC that much of the staff at a local nightclub in London's Islington District has contracted the virus. The club operates two to dance floors: an ebm/aggrotech room on the ground level and a darkwave/goth room on the top level. As fate would have it, on this particular night, the event had been downsized to only the ground level aggrotech floor due to several bartenders and a DJ being out sick.

All patrons have shown no symptoms and tested negative for COVID-19, although about a third of the club's regulars have tested positive for gonorrhea. All infected staff have been hospitalized but are expected to make a full recovery.



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