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May 15, 2020

Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like


BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einstürzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.
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