September 6, 2017

Biblical Historian Claims Jesus Never Built Hotrod


CINCINNATI, OH—One local researcher has done a thorough investigation into claims made by the renowned industrial rock band Ministry. “Their 1991 single, ‘Jesus Built my Hotrod’, features guest vocalist Gibby Haynes from the Butthole Surfers claiming, as you would guess, that Jesus built a hotrod-style muscle car for him,” says Michael Jeuspraut. “We have, however, found significant evidence which proves that Jesus of Nazareth would not have been alive on Earth at a time or place when hotrodding would have been possible–the technology just didn’t exist in His time. Furthermore, He wasn’t a mechanic by trade. According to Biblical texts, Jesus was most likely a carpenter or possibly a stone mason.”

During my interview with Jeuspraut, I was given a lengthy lesson about Nazareth, Jesus, and the cultures and technologies of two-thousand years ago. He had also done research on hotrodding in preparation for this interview, explaining that hotrods likely didn’t appear until the 1930s in “present-day California” and that automobiles hadn’t even been invented until nearly 1,900 years after Jesus’ time on Earth. “I don’t want to sound like a stick in the mud. Heck, I love me some good old rock’n’roll music,” Jeuspraut stated, earnestly requesting this be included in this article, “but to make heretical claims such as Jesus building hotrods is outrageous and must be addressed.”

At the end of the day we must each ask ourselves who we trust. Would Butthole Surfers and Ministry lie to us? Does Michael Jeuspraut have an ulterior motive to want to defame Ministry? Does anyone actually believe that Haynes was trying to convince us that this actually happened? We received a quote from Al Jourgensen’s publicist in an email. “Al is a hotrod fanatic. In 1990, he had a ‘32 Ford 3 window coupe custom built at Fast Rat Custom Motors outside of Rockford, Illinois. The fabricator and mechanic he worked with was named Jesus Flores. Gibby knew this; it was a nod to Al. He was also extremely drunk out of his mind when he recorded the vocals. You'll notice that the lyrical content of the entire song is complete gibberish. I have no idea why you're taking this seriously.”

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12 comments:

  1. It's hard to believe that some religious fanatic felt the need to comment on "Jesus built my Hotrod." It's just a song. Like the Bible, it is what it is. The song is far more entertaining, and believable too.

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  2. It's got to be a joke everyone knows Jesus was a fisherman not a mechanic.

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    1. Jesus was a carpenter, not a fisherman.

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    2. No, Jesus worked at the first Dairy Queen, but then he worked as a salad chef at Little Caesars. Hence why he says, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's.

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    3. Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet.

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  3. No. Jesus is a myth.

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  4. If Jesus wasn't real, then why is there a whole book about him?

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    1. But there isn't a whole book about him! :)

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    2. Following that logic, Bilbo Baggins, Luke Skywalker and Spider-Man are real too. I hope this a joke, Tim.

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    3. Yeah, but those are fictionals.

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  5. I would love to hear a remix entitled - 'Bilbo Baggins, Luke Skywalker and Spider Man built by other Hotrod'

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  6. This article is hilarious but the real gem here is that picture.

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