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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query mechanical zebra carcass. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query mechanical zebra carcass. Sort by date Show all posts

July 5, 2017

Musician Takes Fan Response to Limited Edition Cassettes Literally


MADISON, WI—The frontman of Mechanical Zebra Carcass has been hospitalized after following the instructions of an unenthused fan at their merch table.

During a recent tour stop in the Dairy State, Scario Maclaver was working the merch table after his band's set when a man in his early thirties wearing glasses and a cat t-shirt approached him and complimented the singer on his performance. Upon thanking him, Maclaver promptly drew the man's attention to the limited edition cassette copies of the latest Mechanical Zebra Carcass album.

"He's really been pushing these hard. I really didn't even wanna do them, because who the fuck wants a cassette? Scar was adamant though that we have 'em pressed up. He said, 'Tape is the new vinyl.' But yeah, this was the first time on the tour I've seen someone respond honestly and say what we're all thinking," recounted the band's synth player Shavro Uticrus.

A fan who witnessed the incident, Jeremy Lane, 23, told us, "MZC is all about the fans, man. Scario will do whatever it takes to keep us satisfied. That dude in the cat shirt was a dick. I own that tape, and I love holding it in my hands while I listen to the first copy I bought off iTunes."

Maclaver was rushed to a nearby hospital for emergency treatment. The band has since posted an eBay link to the recovered cassette. A user "jlan1994" currently holds the highest bid at $2.50.

June 3, 2019

Dense Fog Machine Causes Shipwreck


GRAND HAVEN, MI—Disaster struck last night when a heavy fog obstructed a shipping freighter's view of the stage's strobe light. Local industrial band Mechanical Zebra Carcass was performing when the stage was suddenly struck by the Wilfred Sykes, a 678 feet long cargo ship owned by the Inland Steel Co. The band, whose stage presence has been described as "a counterfeit iPhone unveiling with an synthesizer" had decided to compensate that night by cranking up the venue's fog machine.

The Wilfred Sykes has been sailing the Great Lakes since 1949. It was built by the American Ship Building Co. at Loraine, Ohio, for the Inland Steel Co. It has the distinction of being the first ship constructed on the Great Lakes after World War II. The Sykes has sailed its entire career under the same name, which honors a former president of Inland Steel who retired in 1949 and died in 1964. In 1953, it rescued crew members when the Henry Steinbrenner sank, and was one of the boats that went out searching for the Edmund Fitzgerald when it sank in 1975.

One attendee, Josh Hansen—who insisted we refer to him as "Ravenblood" (which we won't)—said, "There was so much fog, I honestly didn't know where the stage was or that a band was even playing. I thought it was just a shitty DJ who couldn't figure out how to match BPMs."

About the crash, Hanson recalled, "I heard a ship horn, but I thought it was just, you know, like how hip-hop DJs do an air horn? Suddenly, this huge ship comes out of nowhere. I mean, this is Grand Haven, yeah, but you don't normally see ships this close to the club."

Though the ship experienced heavy damage, it fortunately did not sink due to the complete lack of water on the dance floor. Mechanical Whatever frontman Scario Maclaver is said to have been knocked over by the collision, taking his synthesizer down with him. Their song continued to play even after the synthesizer came unplugged and guitarist Shavro had ditched his guitar and dove off stage.

While speaking to a member of the Coast Guard, he was quoted as saying, "What the fuck is going on? None of this makes any fucking sense. Am I still fucked up from last night?"

According to Inland Steel, the ship's captain was given a breathalyzer and found to have not been intoxicated when the incident occurred. It has been determined that the foggy conditions are solely to blame.

December 9, 2019

Grandmother Disapproves of Grandson's Lifestyle


RUTHERFORD, CT—68-year-old Gladys "Nightwitch" Hanson is not happy with her grandson, Kyle, 27, for becoming a junior financial analyst at one of Dawson Financial's satellite offices in New Haven.

"I don't know why he can't be more like his brother, Ravenblood," lamented Hanson, referring to her other grandson, Josh Hanson, who DJs every month at Leather & Lace Night, heads the Mechanical Zebra Carcass fan club, and is engaged to his high school sweetheart, Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker.

When asked if there were any warning signs, Hanson's brow furrowed as she began to nod silently.

"When Kyle started wearing American Eagle in high school, I thought it was just a phase. Then he went to college for business, and I really started to worry. It wasn't until he started volunteering for the city alderman's reelection campaign that I knew something was definitely wrong," she recalled.

"I don't know how it came to this. My son, Darkthorn, was a good father. Honestly, I blame my whore daughter-in-law, Jessica. She works at a bank."

When reached for comment, Kyle Hanson's outgoing voicemail message stated that he was out of town for a business conference.

April 15, 2018

Industrial Band Breaks New Ground By Releasing Anti-Trump Song


STRATSVILLE, PA—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass has broken new ground in the industrial scene by releasing an anti-Trump song. Donald Trump, the current President of the United States, has faced little to no artistic backlash since he took office in 2017. Frontman Scario Maclaver has decided to change this with a new single that will surely impact the world of politics.

"I don't know, man. I only see nothing but good things about Donald Trump. Nobody ever talks shit on him. It's almost as if they're afraid. But we're not. That's why we're releasing this song," stated Maclaver when interviewed.

The song itself titled "Bigly Pig" focuses on Trump's irrational policies, constantly changing demeanor, outrageous Twitter rants, and child-like behavior. "It's a full-fledged verbal and noisy assault on Donald Trump. This is going to make history. This song will make Trump rethink everything he has done so far," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver also said that while the inflammatory song is against Trump, they refuse to hate anyone else in the Trump organization. "Have you ever seen Melania? I'd let her spank me and call me a bitch," stated Maclaver in an unprompted comment that made me end the interview.

"Bigly Pig" is due out this upcoming weekend so keep an eye out for the new single that, as stated before, will be the first of its kind.

December 12, 2017

Underground Band Furious Magazines Won't Review Their New Album


PORTLAND, OR—Underground independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is furious that their new album has not been reviewed by any online publications.

"We've been making music for a good year now. It's bullshit that these blogs aren't reviewing us. We are the best. The best of the best. Everyone needs to like our music," said Scario Maclaver, frontman of the group.

When we interviewed him on the spot, Maclaver went on a long, long tirade that lasted a half hour and put half the staff at Riveting News to sleep. In it, he bashed most of the industrial publications currently available. "What else do they do? It's not like they have full time jobs and other things to do. They sit at home in their rooms and listen to shit bands and that's it. But not us," Maclaver continued.

Maclaver has also sworn an online defamation war against the multi-million dollar industrial publication industry. He swears that he and his five followers will never, ever submit their albums to any online publication ever again.

Speaking to the Riveting News staff, Maclaver slandered us and stated, "Even you guys just post bullshit articles about us. Built a deck? My ass. It was a fucking patio. Get the story straight, jagoff. You guys haven't even wrote a review. I bet you only do paid reviews."

Maclaver then proceeded to stomp out of the building angrily pouting.

October 10, 2017

Band Asks for Fans' Phone Concert Footage to Make World's Shittiest Music Video


CONCORD, ME—Independent project Mechanical Zebra Carcass—whom you may remember as the notorious band who accidentally built a deck while using power tools on stage—is still desperately trying to stand out in the industrial scene by compensating for their complete lack of originality and substance. This time they are relying on the average concertgoer's tendency to care more about proving that they attended a show than they do actually enjoying it regardless or how much they fuck up everyone else's experience.

Local fans, once eventually located and asked, had initially speculated a possible new image for frontman Scario Maclaver. Rumors of a meat dress or fake breasts were discussed in a short post by a not fake account in the band's Facebook group, which boasts over 4,000 members—some of whom actually know they are in it.

Until today, Maclaver and the rest of the band have stayed tight-lipped about their big plans. The answer came earlier today from a video shared on the rather arcane social media service, Keek. The video was uploaded at 3:42am, almost completely black and it contained Maclaver saying but a few words. “We need all of your cell phone shot concert footage. We are making our mark with the world’s shittiest music video. If anyone has any cell phone footage of our shows, send it to us immediately. And if we can get anything shot on a flip phone, that'll really put this shit over the top. That's the holy grail, man.”

A captured WeChat conversation between synth player Shavro Uticrus and an unknown person confirmed the validity of the video and also made the details a little clearer. The anonymous person asked Uticrus, “What are you guys even doing with a bunch of crowd videos? That’s going to look like shit.” To which Uticrus replied, “That is the point. The indistry [sic] even with industrial music has got to [sic] polished. It's gonna be huge. I'm thinking Guiness [sic] Records is a possibility to [sic].”

To read the full transcript of the conversation, click here.

May 16, 2017

Industrial Band Using Power Tools on Stage Accidentally Builds Deck


STRATSVILLE, PA—There are a lot of ways to engage the crowd and get a performance energized, but it's important not to distract yourself while on stage. Said one fan at an industrial band's show who wishes to remain anonymous, "At first everything was just rhythmic, but then their energy eventually just slowly shifted toward genuine construction."

The industrial band in question, Mechanical Zebra Carcass, was performing a very stompy set over the weekend when they brought power tools on stage to get the crowd even more hyped. "Y'know, they had a chainsaw, nail gun, drills, a jackhammer—a jackhammer. How often do you see that on stage?" continued the fan.

It was within five minutes that the crowd noticed that the band had stepped away from their synths and began tearing up the floorboards and ripping whatever they could off the walls to build a very well-crafted deck.

Another witness at the scene of the crime stated, "My dad was a carpenter, and he built some mighty decks, but I've never seen anyone build one so fast and sturdy in my life."

Security tried to intervene and drag the frontman off the stage but they quickly realized that was a mistake. One of the security guards was nailed into the deck and still remains there waiting for urgent care. The band sealed him within the planks of the wood and his leg was struck by at least nine one-inch nails.

All band members have been arrested and are currently awaiting trial. Court records show they have all plead "not guilty due to being industrial as fuck" to all charges.



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