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June 24, 2019

Goth Anti-Vaxxer Refuses to Listen to The Cure


PORTLAND, OR—Mother of one and businesswoman, Cassandra Becker seems to be your typical American role-model to her one and only child, Lasandra. However, Becker does have a dark secret that may bite her coworkers: She's a Gothic enthusiast, party-goers, and vampire roleplayer by night. However, Becker holds another deep, dark secret that shocks more than just her coworkers and quite possibly angers the entire country: She's an anti-vaccination mother.

Becker has been anti-vaccination since the fad began back in 2018 when a couple of idiots falsely linked vaccinations to autism. "If it's between letting my child horribly die of a preventable disease or letting her live a potentially happy life listening to The Cure well, I'm letting Lasandra die," said Becker, who in one sentence has revealed herself to be the Schrödinger's Cat of being Goth.

This anti-vax mother is extremely strict and rigid when it comes to items in her household that could possibly cause one to come into contact with a vaccination. "We are vegan in this house; I know they put vaccinations in animals. Which means meat at the produce store is spoiled and can cause cancer and autism. So, that's a no go. We eat fruits and vegetables only," Becker stated.

But, through all this, the controversial goth mom has been able to keep friends and family alike near her. However, that is despite one dark and hidden secret neither her nor her daughter, Lasandra, will talk about: Becker refuses to listen to The Cure.

"As an anti-vaxxer, I cannot have myself nor my daughter listening to The Cure! I heard that listening to The Cure can cause autism and I am not having it!" Becker exploded as soon as she was asked why she wouldn't listen to the iconic '80s goth rock band.

When pressed for any evidence to back her claims, we were quickly and quietly escorted out of her home by the knife she held in her hand as she screamed obscenities.

Riveting News intends to organize a concert in the park next to her house featuring a lineup consisting entirely of the The Cure tribute bands. More on that later.

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36 comments:

  1. This lady is all sorts of messed up. I listened to The Cure as a child and I don't have autism. Sheesh, morons these days.

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  2. Even if vaccines caused autism, I'd rather my child be autistic than dead. Even then, there's nothing wrong with autism. My best friend is autistic. He even helped me graduate high school.

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    1. 1st off there are different severities of autism, the mild form is "highly functioning" which is what your friend has. The severe autism makes the person incapable of taking care of themselves and are in need of constant observation. 2nd, the chances that you die from these diseases are slim to none, while the chances that you die or "just get autism" from a vaccine are dramatically higher. When was the last time you heard someone die from the measles, or even chickenpox?

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    2. the chance of dying from polio is actually incredibly high. also, your understanding of autism is completely flawed.

      furthermore, there is NO link to vaccines and autism. at all. none. nada.

      anyways, this is a satirical article and not real. learn what jokes are.

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    3. Your chances of dying from polio are low BECAUSE OF FUCKING VACCINES you stupid cunt.

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    4. your chances of dying from the diseases that are prevented from vaccines are low because no one has them. if 100,000 children go unvaccinated then the chances shoot up and we have an epidemic and a good portion of them die. but of course I say let them not vaccinate so all those kids die and the ones that are left will know how stupid it was not to do it and they will vaccinate their kids if they can manage to be healthy enough and not totally deformed to actually have children

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  3. Dear God this woman has already bread!...Hopefully the father watered down the gene pool 🤦‍♂️

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  4. Wow. Is everyone so stupid they don't realize this article is a joke??

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    Replies
    1. Apparently few people understand what satire is anymore. It's sad really.

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    2. It probably doesn't help that this is really shitty satire...

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    3. unfortunately the media and big pharma has put it in peoples heads that anti vaxers are morons, so when these people read shit like this it just "further prooves" their beliefs that they were made to belive. It also doesn't help that they know nothing on the topic.

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    4. anti-vaxxers are morons...and this is a witty bit of satire making fun of them

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  5. The woman is obviously deranged and also exposing her kids...simply shes an idiot

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  6. The lack of intelligence disturbs me she is some kind of emo bitch pathetic

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  7. I think its pretty interesting that (so far) you don't really ever see much talk about this subject and things like flat earth beliefs in a psychological manner even tho most of us do not carry those beliefs. Like how Carl Sagan talked about the massive amount of sane adults, genuinely claiming to have been abducted by aliens. It seems to always be along the lines of "you're dumb for thinking this" or "your dumb for not thinking this" its like another profound challenge of balance within the human species (specifically the balance between collective faith and questioning) To me, it kinda seems like most of us intuitively know that nonsensical or immoral beliefs can be very dangerous for society so we feel an innate desire to signal our disapproval. I just wonder sometimes if the strength in numbers makes CERTAIN ASPECTS of subjects that may for whatever reason need to legitimately questioned, extremely difficult to be legitimately questioned.

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    1. You mean if enough people believe antivax shit, it makes it true? Interesting theory ...

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  8. To be honest this sounds like a bogus article. 1st off, the anti-vax "fad" as this article called it, started around 2010 when dr. Wakefield connected vaccines to autism (and many others did the same) and it wasn't fausly, these studies are being replicated to this day. 2nd there are many attempts to make anti vaxers look like morons by "articles" like this one. The internet is full of fake news because it's so easy to do and make people believe it. 3rd, anti-vaxers aren't this stupid. We have fact based evidence to back up our claims. Just by the fact that in this article it's claimed that she said that she would "rather let her children die horribly from a preventable disease", shows it was written by a pro vaxer. This is because anti-vaxers know that the chances that you die from one of these diseases are slim to none and that you have a higher chance of dying from a vaccine (i.e. SIDS). Also this rumor that she supposedly heard about the Cure causing autism goes back to my point that this is a bogus article and that anti-vaxers have fact based evidence, not rumors to our claims.
    So, in short, there's a lot of b.s.on the net, check sources and validity of the article before you believe what you read. It's unfortunate that we live in a world where people can't be more honest and where companies refuse to make product that actually keep us healthy and will use tatics like this to manupliate the masses.

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    1. THIS IS LITERALLY SATIRE.

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    2. 1. Anti vaxers ARE morons.
      2. This is satire (it's in the dictionary)
      3. Dr Wakefield is proven liar and charlatan, and his studies have NEVER been replicated (that's how we know he was a fraud. His studies couldn't be replicated because they were faked.

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  9. Also, why would her love for goth culture be a secret...another clue that this is b.s.

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  10. for the love of god people, this is a satirical article...it's a joke...a damn witty one at that, if everyone from the anti-vaxxers to the pro-vaxxers could keep their knees from jerking long enough to get it....

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  11. Does listening to The Cure unplugged cause Acustic

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  12. This is a lazy/ignorant abuse of the term "Schrodinger's Cat."

    Schrodinger's Cat may be about contradictions, but the (unnecessarily weird) thought experiment is about how to think about things when we're unable to confirm contradictions.

    "Anti-vaxxer goth mom fearful that The Cure will cause autism, like vaccines" is pretty clever but please leave poor Schrodinger out of it.

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    Replies
    1. Literally suck all of my dick.

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    2. "This is a lazy/ignorant abuse of the term "Schrodinger's Cat.""

      This is also satire, not research in a scientific journal

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  13. So what's up with that concert?

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