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Hot Topic Employee Fired for Criticizing The Nightmare Before Christmas

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worker, identified as 17-year-old Lasandra "Nightfaery" Becker, was let go when she took her previously acceptable melancholy and indifferent attitude too far and referred to the Tim Burton cult classic as "lame."

Riveting News reporter Nicholas Gnames was on scene when the events unfolded:

The store’s decorations looked like Tim Burton held 18 to 24-year-old girls down and tattooed various depictions of Jack Skellington on them in the most visible of places to show the world just how original they are and then stapled the girls themselves to the walls.

As a 36-year-old man, I was sort of inspired.

"Do you have that 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website?” I asked a girl name Krystyna because she was obviously Ukranian or her mom thought she was creative but was instead a total failure even when she attempted to be a photographer.

"But you’re a man. Why would you want a girl’s hoodie?" she inquired.

Fairly certain I had not heard a yes or a no, I pressed onward, "It’s reversible. Perhaps the reversed side is a men’s hoodie."

"Whatever, it’s like totally lame either way. Everything’s lame."

I too remember being 17 and working my first job. I too remember being unable to answer even the most simple of questions, usually because I was very, very high on marijuana. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for me because I was literally shivering, and if I could just get a hoodie, men’s or women’s, I would not be shivering any longer. I began screaming for warmth. A manager approached me.

"Sir, please, keep it down, our target demographic is 6-year-old girls and their 19-year-old mothers—because they typically like the same things—and they seem frightened." The nerve of this guy…

"Listen, all I want is my 'The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack & Sally Reversible Girls Hoodie' I saw on the website, and Krystyna told me that was lame and assumed my gender."

He fired her on the spot. I felt terrible until later when I saw her working at Torrid where her ass belonged in the first place.

Trent Reznor, Houseplant Still Not on Speaking Terms

LOS ANGELES, CA—Although 52-year-old Trent Reznor's family and a 7-year-old weeping fig have shared a home for over six years, the two rarely acknowledge each other’s existence. Occasionally, the Nine Inch Nails mastermind will silently provide his estranged housemate with water, suggesting a desire to mend fences. The fig, however, continues to snub the apparent olive branch with not so much as a thank you, possibly contributing to the infrequency with which Reznor does so. It’s not quite clear what initially caused the riff in their seven year relationship. Some reports indicate that it may stem from the fact that the fig has been unemployed for at least the past 2 years and does not contribute anything to the household in the form of utility payments or chores. The fig did not immediately respond to a request for comment. At the time of this report, neither party had expressed the desire to part ways, though the fig has slowly started growing toward the window, possibly indicating a desire to cut ties and move on with its life.

CONTRAversy: Brian Graupner of The Gothsicles Admits to Never Having Played Contra

CHICAGO, IL—In shocking news today, it has been discovered that Brian Graupner, creative mastermind behind the band The Gothsicles has been lying to his fans and fellow musicians about key elements of the band that is seen as one of the leaders of the comedy-based EBM, nostalgia-core industrial-synth-dark power-electro scene.

The scene unfolded when a fan asked Graupner after a recent show to sign their copy of Contra, the famed 8-bit side-scrolling shooter on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the game most recognized for popularizing the Konami Code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start) which granted a player 30 lives. When the fan asked which level was his favorite, Graupner broke down sobbing.

"I have no fucking idea man; I never played this fucking game before. I only had a Sega Master System while growing up!" the emotionally broken techno-crooner confessed. Graupner then proceeded to tear down The Gothsicles' merchandise screaming that he was a phony and that “Big Mario” was "making [him] do this" before being escorted to his bus by road crew and other band members.

When contacted for comment, a more composed Graupner admitted that he had in fact never played Contra. “My parents messed up the Christmas I asked for the NES. All that was left in stores was the Sega Master System. I grew up playing games like Outrun and Fantasy Zone,” said Graupner. “None of my friends had ever even heard of the Master System, and when '80s nostalgia came in the early 2000s, what the fuck was I going to sing about? Who the fuck would want to hear a song based on the continue code in Alex Kidd in Miracle World?”

“I... I just wanted to make funny, industrial-EBM-electro music based on iconic '80s stuff, man... It all just took off so fast,” Graupner stated whimsically.

Since the incident, Graupner has gone on record to say that he has briefly played some Contra on the recently released Nintendo NES Classic console, and does enjoy it, but that he believes Sega Master System classic Psycho Fox to still be the superior game.

Industrial Band Using Power Tools on Stage Accidentally Builds Deck

STRATSVILLE, PA—There are a lot of ways to engage the crowd and get a performance energized, but it's important not to distract yourself while on stage. Said one fan at an industrial band's show who wishes to remain anonymous, "At first everything was just rhythmic, but then their energy eventually just slowly shifted toward genuine construction."

The industrial band in question, Mechanical Zebra Carcass, was performing a very stompy set over the weekend when they brought power tools on stage to get the crowd even more hyped. "Y'know, they had a chainsaw, nail gun, drills, a jackhammer—a jackhammer. How often do you see that on stage?" continued the fan.

It was within five minutes that the crowd noticed that the band had stepped away from their synths and began tearing up the floorboards and ripping whatever they could off the walls to build a very well-crafted deck.

Another witness at the scene of the crime stated, "My dad was a carpenter, and he built some mighty decks, but I've never seen anyone build one so fast and sturdy in my life."

Security tried to intervene and drag the frontman off the stage but they quickly realized that was a mistake. One of the security guards was nailed into the deck and still remains there waiting for urgent care. The band sealed him within the planks of the wood and his leg was struck by at least nine one-inch nails.

All band members have been arrested and are currently awaiting trial. Court records show they have all plead "not guilty due to being industrial as fuck" to all charges.

Steven Archer of Ego Likeness, Stoneburner Robbed of Hair by Crazed Fan

Archer before the incident (left) and in a police photo taken as evidence (right).

BALTIMORE, MD—Steven Archer of Ego Likeness and Stoneburner was accosted by a thieving fan while performing at a local venue over the weekend.

Archer was slapping fives with fans between Ego Likeness' second and third song when one opportunistic concertgoer grabbed a fistful of the musician's luxurious locks. Before security could intervene, the rogue fan had produced an electric razor and removed the gorgeous mop from Archer's head.

Archer, though shocked and noticeably shaken, resumed his guitar playing for the remainder of the set. Halfway through the next song, a fedora was thrown on stage (presumably meant for Archer) which he angrily kicked back into the crowd.

After leaving the stage, Archer's wife, singer Donna Lynch, could be seen holding her distraught husband as he wept into her shoulder.

No arrests have been made, but witnesses say the thief was a wild-eyed bald man in his late 30s to early 40s wearing new glasses, Daisy Dukes, and a t-shirt that said "Blame Caustic."

Kanga, r.roo Announce Joint Australian Tour

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA—Industrial pop artist Kanga and Ukranian electronic musician r.roo have announced a surprise Summer Australian Tour. The unending popularity of Kanga within the industrial scene will only help bolster the output of the tour, and seeing r.roo perform outside of their home country is a rarity. The tour is set to start in the summer and while the dates have yet to be announced, both parties announced that their tour will end at the Australian Zoo in Beerwah, Queensland.

When asked what prompted the decision to tour in Australia, Kanga explained, "I don't know, it just sounds right for some reason. I can't really explain it. But we're very excited."

Stay tuned to Riveting News for future information on the tour.

Sean Payne Spills Beer on, Causes Cyanotic Fan to Short Circuit

CHICAGO, IL—Normally, playing live shows are a good way for a band to gain new fans, but Cyanotic recently almost lost one. Witnesses say that frontman Sean Payne was giving an energetic performance when he took a break between songs to drink his beer. Someone in the crowd yelled, "Drink up!" to which Payne responded by screaming into the microphone, "It's angry robot fuel!" and pumped his fist in the air. Unfortunately, that fist was wrapped around his open beer which splashed onto a long time fan in the front row.

Said one witness, "The big metal dude started making these mechanical grinding and scraping sounds. At first I just thought it was just the intro to the next song, but then a bunch of sparks shot out and shit. It was fuckin' rad. I mean, I feel bad for dude, but it was fuckin' rad."

Payne, visibly shaken, sat on the stage rocking back and forth while band mates Kevin Barron and Jordan Davis stayed by the malfunctioning unit's side, waiting for mechanics to arrive. Upon arrival, the mechanics sprayed brake cleaner on the affected areas and applied a moderate amount of grease. The unit was then taken to a nearby machine shop, where it's expected to make a full recovery. When asked for the unit's model number, a spokesperson for the shop declined to comment citing privacy concerns.

JP Anderson, interim lead counsel of the Glitch Mode legal team has stated, "...any vulnerability to fermented beverages on the part of artificial persons is solely the responsibility of the manufacturer; we cannot be held liable for such oversights."

Editor's note: This article has been updated to include the official statement from JP Anderson.

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