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Old Boring Band You Pretend to Like Releases New Boring Album You'll Pretend to Like

BERLIN, DE—It's been six way-too-short years since Einst├╝rzende Neubauten's last release. That means it's once again time for industrial fans to pretend to care about the elderly ensemble's new collection of slowly-paced noises with a German dude talking over them.

As one of the Founding Fathers of industrial, it is imperative that any rivet head pretend to like the mundane, idle sounds of this particular group of middle-aged German men. Refusal to do so means you're a poser and also don't actually like modern, danceable industrial music made with synthesizers and software.

This burden is not unique to the industrial scene: Modern metal fans must also masquerade as fans of Black Sabbath. There is, however, a loophole in which one is able to dismiss much of their catalog when using the special passphrase, "It just wasn't the same after Ronnie James Dio."

Modern country fans are seemingly immune to this requirement. There is no obligation to profess admiration for Jimmie Rodgers or even know who he was. Though the reason is not entirely clear, it is most likely a matter of the amount of time that has lapsed since his activity—1927 was a long time ago. It could be argued that it simply due to the fact that modern country music has devolved into twangy butt rock about beer, trucks, and Jesus, but it still begs the question: Why do fans of synth-laden dance music have to pretend to like this dull, clamoring racket?

Modern hip hop fans find themselves in a sort of middle ground. Much like country fans and Jimmie Rodgers, it is perfectly acceptable for a hip hop fan to have never heard of DJ Kool Herc. Pretending to like Run DMC is also not required, though professing respect for their role in the genre's genesis is mandatory.

The true underlying reasons for modern industrial fans being forced to feign taking pleasure in the lifeless rumblings of a deutsch dad band are unclear, but one can only hope that any future solution for this problem can be applied to Coil as well.

Hacker Totally Responsible for And One Twitter Rampage

It was totally a hacker who set out to make the barely-still-relevant synthpop act look bad, so you can still play Military Fashion Show when you DJ.

In case you didn't hear, And One has gone fully insane on Twitter after watching "Plandemic" during a meth binge (Editor's Note: The meth part is purely speculation on the part of the author). In addition to calls for Trump to invade their home country of Germany and implying that Hitler wasn't all that bad, they primarily lashed out at World Health Organization Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus and Bill Gates, two major subjects of the dumb YouTube video posted by an adult man with a gemstone nose piercing. Other targets of And One's wrath included Greta Thunberg, Twitter Support, and a young boy dancing in a video.

This all followed months of weird, Q-Anon, Trumpy Facebook posts that would appear and disappear. Now we're to believe that it was a hacker all this time that managed to perfectly match the cadence and grammar of their regular posts? C'mon, bro, we're buying And None of that.

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