July 11, 2017

Goth Rhinoceros Wants to Go Extinct


AKAGERA, RW—Though the black rhino has been struggling to survive for decades, there exists one that has for years been a proponent of its entire species dying out.

The East African black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis minor) is one of the few remaining black rhino subspecies left in the world, and is currently listed as endangered due primarily to poaching; rhino horn made into dagger handles is a symbol of wealth in many countries. Contrary to popular opinion, the horn is not consumed primarily as an aphrodisiac; only small amounts are used for this purpose. 23-year-old Kamhout, an avid Bauhaus fan and resident at Akagera National Park in Rwanda, reluctantly participates in the Eastern Black Rhinoceros Species Survival Plan, a shared conservation effort by zoos throughout the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Despite his overall disinterest in existence, Kamhout once narrowly escaped his own death when poachers attempted to lure him into a trap using a special collector's edition Blu-ray copy of The Crow. Some volunteers have speculated that the brooding pachyderm may have refused to play into their hands due to his desire to witness the the extinction of his species, though park officials have pointed out that Kamhout also does not own a Blu-ray player.

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