October 23, 2017

Goth Discovers That Halloween Is Not The Only Holiday


ALLENTOWN, PA—In a shocking turn of events, a sheltered Goth has finally learned that Halloween is not the only holiday celebrated in America and around the world.

35-year-old basement dweller James Joby has taken to YouTube ever since 2009, creating Vlogs about Gothic, Scene, and Emo culture without ever leaving the confines of his own home. The man frequently orders in chokers, pink lipstick, and Marilyn Manson gear and clothing. While he had a string of popularity with other males in the field of the same girth, Joby has since lost a following in his later years.

Joby said, "The people who stopped following me are the ones that turned their back on this lifestyle. They had it going on when they were in their teenage years, maybe early twenties, but eventually turned their back. They were nothing but posers. I am in this for life."

But the shocking revelation about other holidays came later for the home-schooled man. When speaking to his mother, Cynthia Joby, she said, "I would always try to give him gifts for Christmas, but he would always just scoff and laugh at me saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist and to stop 'Fucking with me about these fake ass holidays.' I was highly offended, and now I have a back catalog of butt plugs and other sex devices he always wanted stuffed in a closet. I sure hope none of his relatives ever find that- it would be hard to explain."

However, after meeting a fellow onling Vlogger whose identity shall remain anonymous but is known as xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx online, his life was forever reshaped. Joby stated that she one time exclaimed, "Happy Easter" while in chat, and Joby laughed. It was only after she explained to him all the holidays that he finally accepted the reality that Halloween is not the only holiday.

Joby has been researching all the new holidays with feverish curiosity. "Christmas, St. Patrick's Day...I don't know. I think Valentine's Day sounds pretty cool. It would be nice to know what another human's touch and love feels like," Joby discussed while speaking with us.

Joby has since stated that he will make an attempt to meet and greet xxFatGirl_FatTitsxx in real life, though he has a suspicion it is his mother in disguise attempting to make him leave home and never come back.
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