October 26, 2017

Report: Every Day is Not Halloween

Written by The Spoon Feed

EL PASO, TX—Industrial band Ministry is in hot water after a report has been released from the University of Chicago disputing the claims of their classic song, Every Day Is Halloween. The fifty page report details top research conducted within the University’s Astronomy Department for the past two years.

“All signs point to the contrary,” says Director of Astronomical Studies, George Kugler. “The lunar calendar has 365 days per year—366 days on a leap year. In all of our tests, only one of these days has turned out to be Halloween. That’s only 0.274% of the year as opposed to the 100% which Ministry claims as fact. So what’s really staggering isn’t just the fact that everyday is not Halloween, but the fact that such a small fraction of the calendar year is actually Halloween.”

Fans have already begun reacting to the scandal, burning albums and memorabilia in the streets. A Change.org petition is circulating calling for the band’s founding member, Al Jourgenson, to step down from his position.

“This is a real bummer,” comments Seth Gorman, 23. “Ministry really let me down—let us all down. We’ve all been living this life thinking that everyday was Halloween and it turns out only one day is Halloween. I mean, what else have they been lying about? Did Jesus actually build his hotrod, or was that all a lie too? I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m just really disappointed.”

Ministry has not released an official statement yet, but several shows have been canceled by promoters fearing bad press.

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23 comments:

  1. Ding a ding dang my ding a long ling long.

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    1. Jesus built my hot rod ! Yeah fuck it !

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  2. This is either a fake news warm up, or some type of chortle-y shit humor.

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    1. Can't it be both?

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  3. It's not true... It can't be true! Every day is Halloween!

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  4. What next SADE??? Everyday is not Christmas and every night is not New Years Eve.

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  5. who the fuck has enough time to waste to do stupid shit like this.. now taking MY TIME. Just die.

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    1. Who are you mad at?

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    2. Are you implying that when you read the headline you thought this was real? Yikes! Someone needs to review their meds. ;)

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    3. According to the band Chicago, every day is the fourth of July.

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    4. Lol you saw the headline...you knew what you were in for ��

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  6. There is this thing called humor... perhaps you have heard of it?

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  7. I found it to be a very entertaining read. I feel sorry for people who aren't able to see the humor in things like this. Excellent read indeed! lol

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    1. Dean Mastrantoni10/27/17, 10:48 PM

      Ditto...it’s Harmless Halloween Hootenanny & I so love that song...it taught me a grave lesson...Everyday is Hallow-Fuckn-Ween!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. what a joke, who cares, they are just songs...

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    1. Satire is hard...

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  9. At my house every day is �� Halloween.

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  10. I heard they don't even play that song anymore. They've gone metal or something.

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    1. Dean Mastrantoni10/27/17, 10:42 PM

      LOL...not exactly...more like Industrial Hardcore Goth...and it fuckin rules!!!

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  11. I mean seriously "Thieves"! Stealing Jourgensens thunder. Did they even read "Psalm 69"? This sounds like some "New World Order" shit. "No W" to question if "Jesus built my Hotrod" I know it's "LiesLiesLies" I'm just "Burning Inside" I could get all cannibal on this guy but "The Mind is a Terrible thing to Taste" These "99 Percenters" need to "Reload" this "Cold Life" "With Sympathy" I mean If I could get "Just One Fix" on "Demon Night" it could be "Murder" in "The Land of Rape and Honey" pop, pop "Double Tap" and then "The Fall". "I Wanted to Tell her" it was a "Work of Love" "So What" she'd say. Just the "Same old Madness" "Filth Pig" But seriously "Senõr Peligro" are they just "Ghouldiggers" from the "Darkside of the Spoon" from "1987" ripe with "Animosity" from behind their "Brick Windows"? Go ahead, SING your "Cannibal Song" true believers won't see your "Stigmata" whatever "Bad Blood" you think you have with Al you're picking a "Permawar" Check your "TV II" "Tonight We Murder" your "Supermaniac Soul" and drink "From Beer to Eternity" and listen to some "Roadhouse Blues". You can ask "The Last Sucker" who doubted "Everyday is Halloween"

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  12. Dean Mastrantoni10/27/17, 10:34 PM

    MINISTRY STILL RULES THE EARTH however they fail to play LIVE classics like “Work For Love”, “Revenge”, Effigy, Over the Shoulder, Flashback, Stigmata, Everyday is Halloween, Overkill, I’m Falling, Same Old Madness, Burning Inside, All Day and a shitload more other classics from many moons ago...if Uncle Al could just get out of his own way & resolve whatever issues he has with self-hatred or self-defeat, MINISTRY could put a 3 hour concert together of the greatest material ever written!!!!!!!!

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  13. Dean Mastrantoni10/27/17, 10:36 PM

    And he must get Bill Rieflin, Ohgr & Paul Barker to come back!!!!!! P. S. - Chris Connelly although a great talent, can go Fuck Himself��

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  14. The title needs to be “not every day is Halloween”

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