May 18, 2017

CONTRAversy: Brian Graupner of The Gothsicles Admits to Never Having Played Contra


CHICAGO, IL—In shocking news today, it has been discovered that Brian Graupner, creative mastermind behind the band The Gothsicles has been lying to his fans and fellow musicians about key elements of the band that is seen as one of the leaders of the comedy-based EBM, nostalgia-core industrial-synth-dark power-electro scene.

The scene unfolded when a fan asked Graupner after a recent show to sign their copy of Contra, the famed 8-bit side-scrolling shooter on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and the game most recognized for popularizing the Konami Code (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start) which granted a player 30 lives. When the fan asked which level was his favorite, Graupner broke down sobbing.

"I have no fucking idea man; I never played this fucking game before. I only had a Sega Master System while growing up!" the emotionally broken techno-crooner confessed. Graupner then proceeded to tear down The Gothsicles' merchandise screaming that he was a phony and that “Big Mario” was "making [him] do this" before being escorted to his bus by road crew and other band members.

When contacted for comment, a more composed Graupner admitted that he had in fact never played Contra. “My parents messed up the Christmas I asked for the NES. All that was left in stores was the Sega Master System. I grew up playing games like Outrun and Fantasy Zone,” said Graupner. “None of my friends had ever even heard of the Master System, and when '80s nostalgia came in the early 2000s, what the fuck was I going to sing about? Who the fuck would want to hear a song based on the continue code in Alex Kidd in Miracle World?”

“I... I just wanted to make funny, industrial-EBM-electro music based on iconic '80s stuff, man... It all just took off so fast,” Graupner stated whimsically.

Since the incident, Graupner has gone on record to say that he has briefly played some Contra on the recently released Nintendo NES Classic console, and does enjoy it, but that he believes Sega Master System classic Psycho Fox to still be the superior game.

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