June 7, 2017

Pair of Combat Boots Never Seen Combat


ALLENTOWN, PA–It's been revealed that a pair of combat boots owned by a local goth have only ever been worn in a club setting. Stomping to Front Line Assembly is the closest they've come to seeing actual front lines.

Riveting News reporter Steven Gullotta uncovered the shocking truth behind the stylish footwear:

As I walked through the dance floor of my local, awesome, and super packed industrial night club and stared at everyone's boots, I began to notice a bit of an oddity: Not one of these pairs of boots seem all that used. In fact, most of them looked brand new and as if they were only worn at the club and nowhere else. I could not understand this, especially since all the blackened leather was fit for combat and not for a club night of dancing. I mean, really, how are you gonna dance in them things? You'll crush someone's toes off if you accidentally stepped on them. This is why I launched a full fledged investigation.

I went up to the nearest goth that I could find and pulled him aside. After greeting me with a very friendly, “What the fuck are you doing?” I was able to sit him down at a table and have a talk with him. He seemed to calm down as soon as I slid him some black nail polish and a graphic novel adaptation of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

After a series of vigorous questions directed toward the anonymous 31-year-old, I discovered that his boots were in fact combat boots that he had purchased at his local military surplus store.

"Yeah, these boots are the real deal, but I only wear them when I'm at the club 'cause I have to dress normal in the streets just in case my boss sees me. I don't wanna get fired. But after all the recent night club shootings, I figured I needed some protection. So combat boots it was," he explained in a not-very-convincing manner.

Continuing on, he stated that should he ever see combat, he's sure his boots will give him the upper hand, “These things easily give me an extra quarter inch of height against my opponent. And, you know, you gotta take the high ground in a fight. It helps.”

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