November 14, 2017

Louis C.K.: "Meat Beat Manifesto Made Me Do It"


HOLLYWOOD, CA—The rise of sexual allegations in Hollywood are not to be joked about; the serious matter has been ruining celebrities left and right from the likes of Kevin Spacey to Harvey Weinstein with many men and women coming forward to address these horrible situations. It was not surprising to see the crude comedian Louis C.K. come forward and state that the allegations of sexual harassment bestowed unto him by five women are true. However, we have an inside scoop from an anonymous source who states that they know why Louis C.K. committed such defiling acts.

When questioned about his acts of perversion, Louis C.K. told our source, "Meat Beat Manifesto made me do it."

Louis C.K. went on to describe his love for the infamous post-industrial and experimental project. He said he loved them so much he took the name of the project literally and therefore went on his own Meat Beating Manifesto. Our source claimed that Louis C.K. went on to say, "Well, since I followed the name of the band like a manifesto, I took it to heart. I would go around masturbating in front of as many people as I could. My dog, my co-workers; hell, I even masturbated on the phone with my father-in-law once."

While Louis C.K. has admitted to his acts of perversion he has yet to come forward and actually talk about his intense obsession with this industrial act. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have one, Louis, so you ought to reveal this to the world next. I would not be surprised if he was also a fan of Revolting Cocks, but that's another theory for another day.

We have reached out to Louis C.K. for comment but his answering machine only brought us to sounds of further intense masturbation, a thought we will not be able to shake out of our heads for the next while.

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